Out of Frame

by Megan Erickson

  “Levi, it’s—”

  “Don’t you dare say it’s okay,” he said, pinning me with a finger. “Don’t.”

  “Okay, fine, but what the hell do you expect me to do?”

  He threw up his hands. “I don’t know, but I’m sick of all of us bending over and taking it.”

  “For the record, I’d jump at the chance to bend over and take it.” Levi stared at me, then he erupted into laughter and even I had to admit, that was pretty damn funny.

  “So what are you going to do?” he asked as he wiped away his tears.

  “I can’t do anything. You know I’m sending money home for Darren. Coming out would affect them way more than me now. And Quinn doesn’t want to hide. He told me he hid for two years for a closeted ex-boyfriend. I’m not doing that to him.”

  Levi bit his lip and murmured, “Oh, Quinn.”

  “This morning I told him I couldn’t, that there was too much at stake. My agent wants me to try out for this part after this season is over, but it’s for the TW, so I’ll have to keep playing the straight actor part.”

  “He really thinks you won’t get roles if you come out as bi?”

  “It’s hard enough that I’m black.”

  Levi’s eyes narrowed. “It’s not any of their business, though. You should just . . . do your thing.”

  I shook my head. “You know that’s not how it works. Maybe a decade in the future. But now, it would be a thing. You know it.”

  Levi growled under his breath, clearly as frustrated as me.

  “It’s not even just about wanting to be with Quinn, or another guy. This is about me. It’s about being black and queer and compromising because that’s all I’ve ever done in my fucking life, you know?”

  Sympathy would have pissed me off, but Levi was angry right along with me. “I know. Well I don’t know, but I understand what you’re saying.”

  I shook my head. “I was so sure this morning, but I don’t know. My skin is tight, and I want to scream. I want to scream until I’m hoarse that this isn’t who I am. That I’m so much more than the J. R. Butler they edit me to be on TV.”

  Levi stepped forward and hugged me. When he pulled back, he gazed up at me. “Life’s short, man.” His expression was sober. “Life’s too short to be something other than who you are.”

  He was right, but I couldn’t find a way around all the obstacles in my way to get to where I wanted to be.

  ***

  Quinn

  My thumb hovered over the call button. My body listed to the side, and I righted it before glancing at Jess.

  She was covering up a laugh.

  “This is your fault,” I muttered. She was one who’d plied me with Mamma Mias all afternoon. And I’d happily tossed them back in an effort to prevent myself from crawling my way to J. R.’s cabin.

  Calling my parents in this state was probably a bad idea, but I had five missed calls, and they didn’t take well to being ignored. I also was in a fuck it kind of mood. “Shit, I really need to call them back. They probably have the Captain’s number on speed dial, and they’ll call him if I don’t return their calls.” I paused. “Is that what you call the . . . head ship person? Captain?”

  “What else would you call him?”

  “Um, I dunno. Blackbeard.”

  Jess clapped a hand over her mouth, then stumbled. “Shit.”

  I groaned, the cabin spinning slightly. “This is going to be bad. So bad.”

  “We’re on spring break, Quinn! You shouldn’t even have to call your parents, but if you must, then they have to understand if you’re slightly inebriated.”

  I gave her a look.

  Her lips twisted to the side. “Okay, so maybe the Mathers don’t understand the concept of spring break.”

  “Definitely not.” I took a deep breath and wiggled my fingers over my phone. “Here goes.” I managed to find the call button as well as my parents’ number. As the phone rang, I tapped my fingers on my knee.

  The receiver clicked. “Quinn?” My mom’s voice came over the line. “Is that you?”

  “Yep,” I said. “It’s meeeee.” I drew out the last word in a singsong tone. When the hell did I start talking like that? I widened my eyes at Jess, who mouthed Too much.

  I nodded, and focused on my mom’s voice. “How’s the food? Are you feeling okay? Be careful and don’t eat anything that looks bad. I heard food poisoning is common on cruise ships.”

  “Um, okay,” I mumbled. “Everything’s fine.”

  “John!” My mom yelled, her mouth away from the receiver. “Quinn’s on!”

  Another click as my dad picked up the phone somewhere else in the house. “You staying hydrated, son?”

  I was totally hydrated. By alcohol. “Uh, yup.”

  “Honey, please don’t say ‘uh’ so much,” my mom said. “It makes you sound uneducated.”

  I sighed and rubbed my forehead. There were times I wish I had a sibling to take some of the brunt of my parents’ attention. This was one of those times.

  “You have those bands your mother bought you, right?”

  “Yep,” I answered, still rubbing my forehead.

  “And I checked on the inspection of this ship . . .”

  I zoned out. Completely, utterly zoned out. All my life I’d played into their worries and their fears. As the alcohol buzzed in my brain and my best friend stood in front of me, taking time out of her spring break to listen to me on the phone with my parents, I couldn’t do it anymore.

  I didn’t have it in me.

  I’d taken the Sea-Bands and fretted with my mother over getting sick on the boat. I’d packed with her over my shoulder, urging me to throw in this and that and extra underwear. Now, with some distance between them on a trip so far out of my comfort zone, I wanted a week without their voices in my ear.

  On the phone or in my head. I was twenty-one goddamn years old.

  “You know,” I said, cutting off my father, who was still talking about health violations on cruise ships and God knew what else, “I think they just rang the bell for dinner.”

  Jess glanced around, straining like she was trying to hear this phantom bell.

  A laugh bubbled up in my throat as she turned to me with a confused look. She caught on and began to giggle. I tried to hold in the laugh as best as I could, especially as my parents began to dither about this bell.

  “Is that how they notify you when food is ready? That doesn’t sound right.”

  “Janet, I’m sure they have it all figured out—”

  “I’m just saying, it’s a little odd, is all.”

  Fuck, I needed to get off the phone right now. “Okay, so they said they’re running out of clams, so Jess and I gotta go!”

  “Smell them first!” my mother yelled.

  “Take care, son,” my father said as I ended the call.

  I dropped the phone to the floor and stuck my head in my hands as Jess collapsed on her knees, struggling to catch her breath through her laughter. “Did they really think there was a bell?”

  “Oh God, Jess, I can’t with them anymore.” I threw back my head and wailed. “I can’t!”

  Her eyes widened and she thrust her fists in the air. “I’ve waited years for you to say that! Oh my God, fucking finally. Cut the cord, Quinn!”

  “Hey!” I protested.

  “I’m sorry,” she sucked in a breath. “I’m so sorry, but I’ve waited so long to say that to you.”

  I wanted to whimper. “It’s not like I asked for them to be like this.”

  She walked on her knees until she was in front of me, and when she spoke, her voice was softer. “I know, sweetie. I do. You know I love you, but you’ve enabled them to be like that. You’re twenty-one now. You’re graduating college. You’ll be living on your own with a real, actual, adult job soon.”


  “I know. I never wanted to hurt their feelings. You know I hate . . . confrontation.”

  “You don’t have to hurt their feelings, but a healthy distance is important. You’re amazing just like you are, but I know there’s another amazing part of you that hasn’t been able to breathe. It’s time to breathe, Quinn.”

  I thought back to everything I’d done since I’d been on this trip. I’d put myself out there more than I thought I would. More than I thought I could. This whole time I’d been taking risks without realizing it. I hadn’t necessarily stopped analyzing every consequence, but I’d been willing to accept when something went bad.

  After graduation, I’d been offered a job with a marketing firm. They’d given me several locations where I could work. Right at home in North Carolina was one. New York was another. And California was the third and final option.

  My parents assumed I’d stay in North Carolina. Save money and live with them. Save money for what, exactly, I didn’t even know. What kind of life would I have still living at home?

  I’d never take a leap again. Not ever. “Jess.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I-I think I might take the California job.”

  Her eyes grew so big that she looked like an anime character. I held up a hand. “I said might.”

  She nodded her head comically. “Might is good. Might is still a very good word.”

  “It’s fucking scary to think of being on my own, of taking that leap, you know?”

  “Quinn,” she was nearly pleading. “It would be so good for you.”

  “I know. And if it wasn’t for this trip, I don’t know if I would have reached the point where I could say ‘might’ about moving across the country on my own.”

  Jess hugged me and I squeezed her back, breathing in the scent of her air and loving the familiarity of my best friend’s arms around me.

  When she hopped up and announced she was going to shower before we grabbed dinner, I stayed sitting on my bed, turning my phone in my hands.

  Already my body felt lighter with the knowledge that I was taking some ownership of my life, making my decisions.

  ***

  Later that night, we sat at the bar after a particular massive buffet dinner. I leaned back and rubbed my tight skin. “Ugh, I feel like a whale. Like an actual Moby Dick.”

  Jess groaned, her head propped up on her fist, resting on the bar. “I think I didn’t need that last piece of chocolate cake.”

  “Probably not.”

  “We’re pathetic.”

  I wondered where Jay was. I liked that I had the permission to call him that, and also the knowledge that he kissed really well.

  He noticed me. And I made him feel special.

  Jay was so much more interesting than J. R.

  In the corner of the bar, a crew member was currently setting up a karaoke machine in the far corner.

  “Oh God, I’m not sure I’m ready for five hundred and thirty-two versions of ‘I Will Survive’,” I groaned.

  Jess giggled.

  The cameras were already in the bar. I spotted a couple of League-ers. In particular, Adriana. I hadn’t seen much of her on this trip, and when I did, she was reading on the lounge chairs on the deck. But as they began karaoke, she was first up onstage. She stood with Paisley, their dark heads bent as they found what song they wanted on the screen.

  They stepped back, microphones at the ready as the opening bars to “Call Me Maybe” filtered through the speakers.

  I groaned again and laid my head on my forearms.

  That was until I heard the first voice, and I straightened immediately to see Adriana singing like a dream to one of the catchiest pop songs in history.

  “Holy shit,” Jess said breathlessly. “Girl can sing.”

  The cheers began immediately, which didn’t even faze Adriana. She continued to sing, holding the microphone casually, not even bothering to look at the screen as she sang to Paisley, who was merely window-dressing as she strutted around the stage like a backup dancer.

  By the end of the song, I was whistling; Jess was kneeling on her chair, cheering, and the entire bar was erupting.

  Adriana simply looked at the crowd, smirked, and handed the mic back to the DJ.

  A piercing whistle cut through the crowd as Casey walked into the bar, pumping the air with his fist.

  On his heels? Levi and . . . J. R. Judging by the hard expression on his face, he was most definitely J. R. in that moment.

  I turned away immediately, draining the rest of my drink. My hands shook as I thought about whether I should say something or . . . keep things the way they were. I didn’t want things the way they were, which was me frustrated and J. R. miserable.

  Casey leaned against the bar beside Jess and looked her up and down. “Hey, sweetheart.”

  She glared at him. “Excuse me?”

  He didn’t even try to pretend like he wasn’t checking her out. He swiped his tongue over his bottom lip. “Can I buy you a drink?”

  “Are you kidding right now?”

  “Uh, Casey—” J. R. started to say, but Casey held up a hand, silencing him, which I thought was rude as hell. I made bug eyes at J. R., who just shrugged and muttered something like, It’s his own funeral.

  Which yeah, it would be, because Jess’s cheeks were flushed, and she was about to go off on him. “You want to buy me a drink? After I accidentally spilled mine on you the first night here, and you swore at me like a jackass?”

  Casey frowned. “I did that?” He looked to Levi and J. R. “Did I do that?” Both nodded emphatically. Casey turned back to Jess. “Huh, well let me make it up to you. A drink? A dance? A kiss on the deck at midnight with the hottest member of Trip League?”

  “Holy shit, you are the worst, Casey,” Levi said, turning away in a huff and stalking away.

  Casey held out his hands. “What? What did I say?”

  Jess put her fists on her hips, her elbows cocked, something she did when she wanted to appear bigger, like a puffer fish. “Look, buddy, you might think you’re hot shit, but I don’t care if you’re on TV or in a fucking movie or walking the red carpet in Cannes. I don’t have time for assholes, so I don’t have time for you.” She whipped her head to the side and said to me, “And now I’m going to head down to the other end of the bar to talk to that guy who’s been smiling at me all night. You know, like a nice person.” With her blond hair flowing behind her, she stalked off. I was going to have to high-five her later.

  Casey watched her go, then looked at me. “If she’s that mad, then that means there’s some passion. She’ll come around by the end of the cruise.”

  I rolled my eyes and walked away, but not before glancing over my shoulder at J. R. His eyes were on me.

  I pulled out my phone and texted Jess that I was heading to the deck. I loved watching the ocean at night, the moon reflecting in the water while the rest of it around us looked black. There was a party on the deck, a huge crowd dancing to a DJ. The bar was packed, and I had to maneuver through the bodies to get to the front of the boat, where I hoped the coast was clear.

  Once I was past the throng of dancers, the bass of the music began to fade, and then it was just me at the front of boat. Well, me and a couple making out hard core, so they didn’t even notice me when I walked by.

  I ran my hand along the railing and peered over the side, catching glimpses of white caps as the boat plowed through the water.

  Pulling back, I was debating if I should walk somewhere else, when the heat of a body blanketed my back. I closed my eyes as the familiar scent of the person encircled me. “Hey, Jay.”

  “How’d you know it was me?” His deep voice rumbled down my spine.

  “Your cologne. Soap. Whatever.”

  “Hm.”

  “I didn’t care if anyone else saw me leave.
Just you.” I swallowed as I stared at the water.

  “You wanted me to follow you?”

  “I did.”

  “Why?”

  The phone call with my parents had cracked something inside me. I was riding a high of making my own decisions. My relationship with Alexander burned because I’d never consented to being in the closet with him. I’d never consented to being his dirty secret.

  I wanted Jay. I didn’t care if it was only for a day. I was going into this with my eyes open. It wouldn’t hurt my pride to hide from the cameras. I’d do it because I wanted to. I leaned back slightly and his arms came to rest on the railing on either side of me, caging me in. Staring at the stars twinkling in the clear night sky, I said, “Because we have one full day left. And I know I’ll regret it if I don’t spend every minute of that day with you.”

  He exhaled roughly and plastered the front of his body to my back. He was silent for a moment, and I rested my head on his chest.

  He took a deep breath, the moist heat coating the side of my head. “I don’t really know what it’s like to be me. I hadn’t been in LA for too long before I signed the contract. I was still finding my footing and learning who I was attracted to.” His breath hitched. “I’m scared as hell, Quinn. Of the future. Of myself.”

  I knew what it was like to be scared of who you were. Scared of people finding out and treating you differently. I turned around and leaned back against the railing on my elbows so I could see his face. He was watching me, the moonlight cresting over his sharp cheekbones.

  “The more I think about it, the more I . . .” He grimaced. “I’m worried I’m using the contract as an excuse. That even when it’s not over my head, I’ll still be scared. I still won’t be able to be me.”

  “It’s okay to be scared about that,” I said.

  “And what about Darren? How selfish am I that I’m willing to do this and hurt his chances—”

  “How do you know for sure this would kill your career?”

  He blinked. “Well, I don’t know for sure.”

  “Does Darren know about you? Does he know you’ve been keeping this a secret?”