Absorbing White

by Charlotte E Hart

  Lips meet mine and I have no idea whose they are until I hear the words ‘I love you’ being breathed behind me. They’re Alex’s lips, Pascal’s words. My eyes fly open at the thought as I wonder who he loves, but as Alex takes his mouth from mine and stares at Pascal, I just gaze at them in awe as their lips meet. Maybe it’s for the first time. I don’t know, but the moment is so private I feel almost humbled to be a part of it. Pascal is completely still as I feel his hands relaxing on me, and I slide to the floor between them. Their bodies crush into me as Alex presses himself onto me and wraps a hand around my back to bring me closer to him. I kiss at the shirt over his heart and allow him his moment with Pascal with a rush of love for him. I wish I understood the implications of what’s happening, but I don’t care. Whatever will be will simply be. If the man I love can feel at ease enough to do this with me, then I can accept it and treasure it as yet another memory to cherish and adore. We are all one in a strange way, a twisted and odd way, and possibly something no one else will ever really understand, but it doesn’t change the fact that we are together, all of us.

  “I love you,” I say repeatedly into his chest as I feel his heart hammering beneath the cloth of his shirt. He is home. This is it now, the three of us. I know this with every beat of my own heart. He’s just being all that he needs to be, just showing me, and I couldn’t love him any more for it. His honesty and the truth are all I have ever asked of him, and this is another part of it, finally. Truth.

  He pulls away after a minute or two and just stares at Pascal. No words are spoken. He just continues gazing and softly rubbing his thumb across my back while his other hand plants on the wall by Pascal’s head. He still hasn’t moved. Not one inch of his body has changed position as I feel him gazing back and breathing quietly. I know he’s doing that. He’ll just be gazing with that softer Pascal smile and relishing his connection to the man he loves. I smile into Alex at the thought as I feel their come running down my legs for just a few more seconds, and then decide that they might need to say something to each other, maybe talk, or discuss something that can’t be said in front of me. So I gently remove myself from between them, kick off my heels and head towards the shower again. One last glance back before I turn into the bathroom, and I find Alex staring at me with a small smile playing around his lips. It may be a confused one, but it’s an honest one, and that’s all I care about. I blow him a kiss and head in to clean myself up.

  Whatever will be will be.

  ~

  Two sodding hours it’s taken us to get here. Two. I could have gotten ready in the car and had more time having sex with my two men. Go me. That would have been far more fun than the London traffic that has been an absolute nightmare, but at least it’s given us a chance to talk, I suppose. Not that there’s been any clarification on the Pascal thing really. Most of the time he’s just sat there sipping his cognac with a smile, looking utterly delicious in his tux. Belle has texted me a few times to see where we are, but other than that, we’ve talked about business, the future and Christmas.

  “Do you want that put on?” I ask as we turn into the drive at Henry’s. I know we’ve got another five minutes because I know how long it takes to get to the Lord of the Manor’s house. I’ve done this driveway a lot.

  “Mmm,” he says as he hands me his bow tie and turns to face me. “I love you, Miss Scott.” Sweet.

  He’s said that about a thousand times since we got into the car, almost as if he’s worried what happened with Pascal is going to scare me off. Not a chance. It may have complicated things in an odd way, but it doesn’t make me want him any less.

  “So what’s the plan with Pascal then?” His brow rises with a chuckle, such a beautiful sound.

  “And what does that mean, exactly?”

  “Well, you know, he is married.” His other brow shoots up. “He needs to do something about that, because whether you understand it or not, you did, in fact, just kiss the man. It was very erotic by the way, quite stimulating, but isn’t that called having an affair?” I giggle out as I loop the tie over his neck and start my fingers working. “Did you know you were going to do it when you saw him in the doorway? I mean, he is rather appealing, obviously, but at what point did you decide you wanted that? I can’t believe you didn’t ask me first.”

  “He’s collared. It’s hardly an affair,” he says with a smirk. “Last night, and you already gave me permission if I remember rightly.”

  “I did, did I?” The stupid girly giggle that leaves me has even me rolling my eyes.

  “It’s okay for you to be in love with another man, Alex. I’m certain you said that.”

  “I did say that, didn’t I?” I reply as I gaze into his laughing blue eyes and feel my heart erupt with love. Truth: that’s what I wanted, and that’s what I’ve got.

  “Yes, baby. You did. Thank you.” I giggle and lean into him again to tie the rest of his bow up, and notice his breathing is restful, almost as if this means nothing to him anymore. His finger just caresses my arm as he relaxes and I pull it tighter then let go. I smile back at him and think of Pascal at his deathly dull duty for the night. He said he’d meet us later to talk. Talk? I’m not sensing there’ll be much talking going on at any point really, certainly not with the slap he delivered to my arse on his way out. It still stings a bit to be honest.

  “Are you very sore?” he says out of nowhere as I notice the lights of the house twinkling through the windscreen.

  “Yes.” There’s no other answer to give. Being hammered in both ends by two quite big boys is playing havoc with my privates, in a rather delicious way. I’m such a slut. Belle was right. I snort to myself at the thought and watch his hand tighten around the glass he’s holding.

  “I’m glad,” he says quietly. It’s to the point, I suppose.

  “I thought you said you wouldn’t be able to stay with me when that happened, you know, that thing we just did.”

  “The fucking thing, you mean?” My eyes fly towards Michael in mortification, although why, I don’t know. It’s not like I’m the virgin bride, is it? But Christ, why is he always so abrupt?

  “Alex, could you please try to be a little more discreet? Anyway, my point is, you seemed to be fine. See? Nothing to worry about at all.”

  “We had to go out. I didn’t give myself a chance to play with either of you. We’ll be elsewhere when that happens. Call it a moment of weakness if you like,” he responds as he stares at the house distractedly and downs the rest of his drink.

  The car pulls to a stop outside the rows of other cars, and I turn to see his face changing to an expression of irritation. I know that look now. I’ve seen it too many times to be able to dismiss it. He’s angry, and if he thinks I’m going to be dragged into something distasteful after what’s happened this evening, he’s very much mistaken. I want to enjoy the happiness floating around, not have to deal with his ever-changing moods and get into a row about something. His hand goes to grab the door handle and I clasp onto his arm to stop him.

  “What’s wrong? I thought that thing with Henry was over. I assumed that’s why we were here. Is something still wrong? Alex, I’m telling you now, I’m not going in there for a fight.” Every ball we’ve been to has ended up in a fight. Well, apart from Berlin.

  “I have some things I need to say and then we’ll leave,” he replies quietly.

  “Why the hell don’t you say them somewhere less public then?”

  “Because you asked me to be moral, Elizabeth, and you asked me not to kill anyone else. I am trying to be decent about the fact that this fucker tried to ruin me,” he says with a sneer. “I will happily do it my way if that’s better for you? Is it? Shall we turn the car around?”

  It seems we’re going in for a fight one way or another then. My heart sinks with the realisation and the reminder of his past. No matter how much I try to dismiss it, he is a killer, isn’t he? He’s a murderer, who very clearly still has the same tendencies coursing through him, even as we speak.
I couldn’t feel any less like going to a party all of a sudden.

  “Then I’ll go home, I think. I can’t just watch you destroy him, Alex. No matter what he’s done, he’s still a friend to me, and so is Sarah. I won’t stand beside you while you ruin him. I’m sorry but I just can’t.” He turns back to me, and scowls, but I can see the real emotion there. It’s a look of utter devastation, hidden behind a mask of fury.

  “You will get out of the car and act properly,” he eventually says, very slowly and methodically as he holds the handle and clicks it downwards. “And I will not ask you nicely again, so don’t push this, Elizabeth. Your place is by my side, and I expect you to be there.”

  “No, not for this I won’t,” I say as I fold my arms over each other and glare back at him. “There are times when ordering me simply won’t work, and this is one of them, I’m afraid. Welcome to the new fucking me. She’s the one you created by the way, so shove it up your arse.” I swear I hear Michael snort in the front. “Michael, take me home.”

  I have no clue how this is going to play out, so I stare straight at the front of the car and do my best to ignore the temperature that’s suddenly risen at least ten degrees.

  “Get out of the fucking car.” His words are slow and very exact. I couldn’t give a damn. What’s he going to do? Carry me in there? I think not. I reach forward for my drink and swirl it around just to prove my utter contempt for his orders.

  “No. Home please, Michael.”

  “Elizabeth, I’m going to ask you one-”

  “Or what, Alex? Don’t even bother finishing that sentence. There is nothing you can do or say to make me watch you humiliate or destroy him. If you make me choose you over integrity, you won’t like the fucking answer. I’ve put up with everything you have thrown at me, given you everything, and do you know what? It’s made me stronger, and far more capable of dealing with your bullshit than you give me credit for. You can go in there and do as you see fit, but I won’t be going in with you. You told me I had the moral high ground in this, and you were right.”

  I’m pretty sure he’s staring at me. I really wouldn’t know because I’m still looking at the front of the car and hoping nothing untoward happens. With any luck, he’ll realise my superiority in this and agree, then we can just go home and relax. I can almost feel his pulse racing next to me as he considers his options, but in reality, there is nothing he can do, is there? I lift my chin up higher and take a sip of my drink as I kick my heels off and lean back into the seat. Relaxed, calm, composed. He will not win or change my mind when it comes to decency.

  “Fine, we’ll talk about this later,” he suddenly snarls out as he simply gets out of the car and slams the door behind him. I look at the door in shock and watch him put his hand in his pocket and walk across to the main entrance, ripping at his bow tie as he does.

  “Home still?” Michael says from the front after several minutes of me staring at the door in the hope that he’ll come back. I sigh out in resignation and nod my head. “Elizabeth?”

  “Sorry, Michael, yes. Home please.”

  There’s a very awkward silence as the car turns round and heads back up the drive. I can’t believe that’s just happened. After all we’ve been through, and after all he’s said about his past, he still can’t be decent about all this. I understand his need to get even, but here? In front of everyone? I dig my phone out to text Belle and tell her I won’t be coming after all. Alex will probably tell her I’m ill so I go with that story and say I’m feeling a bit sick. She’s so not going to believe it, but what can I do? I can hardly tell her the real reason, can I? I can just imagine her snarling at Alex as he lets rip at Henry in the middle of the floor. And what about Sarah? He told me she was the one to tell him in the first place. Will she be alright? Oh god, I should go back and stop him, shouldn’t I? My mouth opens to tell Michael to go back again, but I can’t get the words out through loyalty to Alex. Henry did try to ruin him, still might be doing. I don’t know what to do. I turn round in my seat and stare at the house in the distance to see if I can see anything. What I’m hoping to see, I don’t know. Alex running after us maybe? God, what a fuck up. Why is life with him never just smooth?

  My mouth puffs out a long breath, and I slump back down into the seat again, shaking my head. Who do I talk to about this? I suppose I could call Pascal, but how would he have a clue about morals and decency? Maybe I could just talk it through with him, though, just get some perspective on whether I’ve done the right thing or not. He’s the one always pushing me to stand up for myself, be more dominant. My finger has pressed the call button before I’m aware what’s happening. It seems I value his opinion more than I thought I did.

  “Are you alright?” Michael says from the front. Sweet. No, I’m not.

  “Not really, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m not sorry about what I said,” I reply quietly as I listen to the ringing in my ear.

  “I may have to cut my own throat,” Pascal says. My mouth curves into a smile immediately.

  “It can’t be that bad,” I reply as I sip at my drink again and stare out at the dark country roads zipping by.

  “It is. How does one endure such tedium? I should be fucking something, or strapping it over a bench. Instead, I am forced to behave appropriately and make your repulsive English chit chat.” There’s a brief quiet pause as I hear the scraping of chairs and the tapping of a glass. “And I am positive there is a fat man in a horrifying tuxedo about to make a speech. It is quite atrocious. Do you not have tailors in this country for gentry? How is your cunt?”

  “Fine, thank you.” It’s not at all if I’m honest, but I’m damned if he’s knowing that. “I think I just fucked up a little bit.”

  “Really? This sounds amusing. Enlighten me?”

  “Well, I’m currently travelling back to the house having told Alex to shove it up his arse because he wants to destroy Henry DeVille. He happens to be one of my oldest friends, by the way. It’s just not right, regardless of what he’s done. So I told him that and then left.”

  “The plot thickens,” he replies, sounding thoroughly bored again.

  “Pascal, I’m serious. This can have not gone down well at all, and I don’t know if I did the right thing.”

  “Did he fight with you?”

  “A bit, but I just stood my ground and looked away from him.”

  “He does so hate to be ignored. Bravo, my dear. Let him poach in his own heat for a time and find his own path back to you. He will return. You should not concern yourself. Tell me to come home to you. We could cause some jealousy, no?” I roll my eyes and try for serious again.

  “But what if he-” The car suddenly shoots off to the left and increases in speed, and I find myself being tossed across the seat. Fuck, seatbelt.

  “Michael, what the hell are you playing at?” I grumble at him as I wrench at the strap and click it into place.

  “Hold on,” he says sharply as he swings the car into a right hand bend with the use of the handbrake. Jesus. I grasp the handle and pant into the phone as we zoom up a very dark, wooded lane, still at speed. MI5 arsehole is clearly back on form.

  “Is something thrilling happening?” Pascal chuckles into my ear.

  “No, yes, I don’t know. Michael what are you doing?”

  “We’re being tailed. Duck down.” What? Of course the first thing I do is look out of the back window. “DOWN, ELIZABETH!” he shouts at me.

  I throw myself onto the seat and try to peek out of the windows as I snatch at my dress bag and remember the knife in it. He told me to keep it on me. I’m sodding glad I did now. Although what the hell ninja Beth’s going to do with it, I’m really not sure.

  “We’re being followed, I think,” I whisper into the phone as I scan the interior for threats. Apparently I can do covert operations now, too.

  “Are you? How delicious. My balls are becoming more enthusiastic by the minute. Put me on loudspeaker.” Why? I do as he says anyway and keep my fac
e pushed into the leather, hoping for some of those pesky fairies to come help us out.

  “Andrews, are you there?”

  “Yes,” he growls from the front.

  “What is the registration?”

  “Alpha, Delta, Six, Two, Quebec, Quebec, Alpha.”

  Several minutes go by as I listen to nothing more than Pascal breathing and Michael swearing as he throws the car around every available corner.

  “It is registered to a company I have heard never of. I shall send you the information. Should I be concerned?” Pascal eventually clips, now sounding very businesslike and professional.

  “Its professional, whoever it is.” The brakes are suddenly slammed on and we skid sideways along the road, bumping and crashing into hedges as we go until we eventually come to a grinding stop. My head flies up again to see what the hell is going on, and I stare out into the foggy night and shudder a little at the image.

  “Why are you stopping? For fuck’s sake, Michael, shouldn’t we keep going or something?”

  “I can’t. Elizabeth, whatever happens, you do as they tell you,” he says, rustling about and undoing his seatbelt.

  “What?”

  “You do exactly what they say. You keep yourself alive,” he snaps again, now digging into his boot and staring out of the window at lights in front of us.

  “I... I don’t understand, Michael. What are you sayi-” I cut myself off as I watch in terror as he pulls a gun from the middle console and places it quietly in his lap, hiding it with his own hand.

  “Listen to me very carefully, Elizabeth,” Pascal says quietly. “I want you to talk as much as you can if they take you.” What? I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

  “What the fuck are you talking about? Take me? Why would anyone take me?”

  “You are worth a lot of money, my dear. Do not be weak or unintelligent. You must remember everything you see and speak it, as shrewdly as possible given the circumstances, before they take your phone.”