The Chronicles of Moxie

by Z. B Heller

  The woman didn’t even turn to me. She just replied, “I know it’s a cock ring. Our baby chewed through our other one, so I was checking on the durability of this one.”

  That was when I heard that shrill voice that left my skin crawling. It was the high pitched squeal of Amber. What in fuck’s sake was she doing here?

  “Well, look who we have here. I didn’t know the dog pound let its strays run around at night,” she hissed.

  I turned around to face her. “Slow night on the streets, or wouldn’t any guys pick you up because of your bug-infested Cooch?”

  “This is my cousin’s house and I promised to stop by. And you know what’s funny?” she asked with a smirk on her face. “Miles seemed to like my pussy when he had his tongue all over it. Oh, shit!” Her hands clasped over her mouth, pretending to have just revealed a secret. “He made me promise not to tell you.”

  My stomach jumped into my throat. “What?” I asked. I tried not to let my voice crack, but it did anyway.

  “Yeah, he left your tent at the school camp-out and I saw him. I asked him if he was ok, but he just looked disgusted. He told me that you came onto him and forced him to make out with you. All he kept repeating was that he couldn’t get over how your thighs kept jiggling and your tits sagged down to your knees. He said your cunt was so huge because of all the dicks you’ve slept with.”

  I was starting to feel the bile rise in my throat, but she continued talking.

  “I felt so bad for him that I pulled him behind some bushes and asked him if he wanted to know what a real woman felt like. He was more than eager to find out. He gave me the best damn orgasm of my life. The man really knows how to work his tongue. He loved rubbing his hand up and down my thighs and kept saying I was everything a woman should be.”

  “You’re fucking lying,” I snarled.

  “Really? How come he wasn’t in your tent when you got up?”

  “He took Dillion home because he was having a night terror.”

  “Did he actually say that to you or did you just assume that’s why he left? He really left because he didn’t want you to find out he was with me.”

  My mind instantly returned to that morning. Miles hadn’t ever said that he left because of Dillion. All Renee told me was that they were gone by the time I woke up. I felt chills run up and down my body and I wanted to throw up. How could I have been so fucking stupid, to think that a man like Miles would want to be with me?

  “It sucks being the sympathy fuck, doesn’t it?” Amber looked at me with fake sympathetic eyes and rubbed a hand up and down my arm.

  “Don’t fucking touch me,” I barked.

  Before I knew it, Renee was by my side. “What’s wrong?” She looked at Amber, then back to me, and saw the tears in my eyes.

  “Nothing,” I lied. “I think there is something wrong with the appetizers and it’s affecting my stomach. We should probably get out of here.” With that, we left the dildos and the trash behind.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I lay in bed looking at the ceiling, wondering when was the last time I cleaned, because I was spotting major cobwebs. I hadn’t slept last night. Amber’s words haunted me and I kept imagining her fake press-on Lee nails digging into Miles’s skin in the throes of passion. Words floated in my mind, thighs kept jiggling and tits sagged down to my knees. I was going to vomit.

  I couldn’t believe Miles would jump from my tent that night into Amber’s awaiting arms. Sure, I thought she was a rat-faced bitch, but I could see why men went after her. She was skinny, blond, and had big tits. The perfect Barbie doll. I was so stupid to think a man like Miles would ever be interested in someone like me. All those words he said to me the night we made love… But it wasn’t making love, not by a long shot. It was let’s-get-our-kicks-screwing-the-fat-chick.

  I climbed out of bed and went into the kitchen to start my coffee. My purse sat on the counter and I heard it buzzing. I reached deep into the pocket and pulled out my phone. If things couldn’t get worse…

  “Morty’s Mortuary, how may I help you?”

  “Moxie, it’s your mother.”

  I groaned, a little too deflated to go into the whole you’re-not-my-mother discussion.

  “Moxie Summers, I demand that you stop this foolish behavior,” she said, in what tried to be an authoritative tone.

  “Martha, I can’t talk right now.”

  “Oh, now you don’t even have time for your mother?”

  I would gladly give my mother time if she were alive.

  “You know, when I was younger I would never have treated my own mother this way.”

  “Martha, when you were younger you used to hang out at the temple and wait for widowers after they buried their wives.”

  “That is not true. I was simply there to provide refreshments to those who stayed after the services.”

  “Is that why Jane Singler caught you making out with Rabbi Schwartzman?”

  “Young lady! That was many years before I met your father!”

  “Martha, I’ve gotta go.”

  “And where do you think you’re going?”

  What was this? Was I twelve again? I hoped to hell not, because having my pubes grow in itched like a son of a bitch. I thought of something that would send her mouth foaming.

  “I’m going to meet David at the coffee shop.”

  “What? This is great news! I’m so glad you saw it our way. He’s going to make such a great impact on your life, Moxie.”

  There would definitely be impact.

  “Sure, Martha. And then I’m going to shave my head and join a cult that likes to have sex with cows.”

  “Moxie!”

  After I ended the call with Martha, I pulled up the texts inbox on the phone. I found David’s last text asking me to meet with him. My head swam in confusion. I keyed in the letters and hit send.

  Moxie: Fine. Meet me at the coffee house at six o’clock.

  Ten minutes passed before I heard my phone beep.

  David: You’ve finally come around. I’ll be there, waiting.

  I took a quick shower, hoping it would somehow revive me. While I let the water wash over me, I thought back on the last few days. I didn’t know what David was going to say to me. Honestly, I didn’t even know why I’d agreed to meet him. I was acting on impulse because I was so hurt about all the things that Amber had told me. It seemed that the only way Miles wanted me, was everything I was not.

  After work, I rushed home to ditch the frazzled teacher look and get ready for my meeting with David. I walked into my closet thinking about what I wanted to wear. Certainly not anything sexy. Or did I? As with all major life decisions, I had to contact my fashion consultant. I pushed letters into my phone.

  Moxie: Hey, Jizz Dribbler.

  Ryan: Only when going down on multiple guys.

  Moxie: That’s really foul.

  Ryan: You started it.

  Moxie: What? Are you five?

  Ryan: Excuse me, I had my sixth birthday yesterday.

  Moxie: I need fashion advice.

  Ryan: Why the hell do you always text asking for fashion advice?

  Moxie: I slept with Miles.

  I didn’t want to tell Ryan what had transpired at the sex-toy party with Amber. I knew I would have gotten a lecture about how beautiful I was and where was my confidence. We would deal with that conversation later.

  Ryan: Fine. Wear the black pants with the purple flowing top and yellow flats. Now spill.

  Moxie: Meet me at Carlo’s as soon as you can and we’ll talk.

  Ryan: Is he hung?

  Moxie: Goodbye, Ryan.

  Ryan: That means yes! SQUEAL!

  I put the phone down and dug through my closet for my black jeans and purple top that Ryan had suggested. It was a good choice, as the jeans accented my curves and the top made my boobs look like ripe watermelons. It communicated the perfect message of you fucking idiot, you could have had this luscious ass.

  I finished styling my
hair and spritzed on some perfume, grabbed my keys and headed out the door. Mentally, I was preparing the speech I was going to give David. I was thinking about something along the lines of being a misogynistic prick and that I was going to send out a memo to all of womankind to not go out with him.

  The coffee house was crowded with its usual after-workday crowd and I was lucky that my favorite barista was working. Maybe I could persuade her to put a whole bottle of stool softener in David’s coffee.

  “Hey, Moxie, what can I get started for you?” she said.

  “Usual coffee with four cream and four sugars.”

  She hesitated for a minute and whispered, “Would you like some extra shots of espresso?”

  “Are you my favorite barista?” I murmured as I reached over the counter to rub her baseball cap.

  “Moxie?”

  I turned around to see David standing there, dressed like he was going to a funeral. He had on a dark suit, white shirt and a blue tie. He was also holding a large bouquet of flowers.

  “Who died?” I said in a deadpan voice.

  “They’re for you.”

  He reached out to hand me the flowers. I took them, turned back to the barista and gave her the bouquet.

  “I told you that you were my favorite,” I said sweetly to her, then I turned back to David.

  “I deserve that,” he said, looking down at his shoes.

  “No, you deserve to be drawn and quartered, but my medieval minion is busy at the moment.”

  He laughed at that.

  “Would you like to sit down?” he said, pointing to an empty table.

  I took my coffee, which was ready, and headed to the table. I should have gotten a donut to eat in front of him, but I thought that would be petty. I would have to get the donut to go though.

  “So what do you want, David? To let me know that you invented a new diet pill and you’re looking for a poster child for the product?”

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “You brought me all the way here to say that you were sorry?”

  “That, and to say that I was wrong about you. You’re kind, funny, and you’re also beautiful.”

  Ok, that had me a little baffled. I thought the only reason he was trying to lure me in was to change my looks, and now he’s calling me beautiful? This man needed serious psychiatric help.

  “I have been living the past seven years with the notion that body image was everything. Working in the health industry, we have to maintain a certain image, because who is going to buy supplies from someone who’s…”

  “Who’s what, David?” I narrowed my eyes at him.

  “It’s not coming out right. Let me start over. When we met the first night, yes, I went in there thinking that I could convince you to try the new diet system that we have. But, I started talking to you and I honestly enjoyed our conversation. I really like your honesty.”

  “What? Am I the first one to tell you to fuck yourself?”

  “Actually, yes.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I grew up getting my way most of the time. Getting women was never something I struggled with. Women would come to chase me to go out. And then I met you and you had this feisty side that I found so sexy, I figured I would just get over your size.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This guy could not be for real. Why did I leave Miles and Dillion for this? What was I looking for? An apology? Great, I got it and now I could go.

  “David, while this meeting has been enlightening, I’m going to stay with my original assessment and say go fuck yourself.”

  I stood up and took my coffee to head out the door when David blocked my way.

  “I see I’m going to have to convince you another way,” he said.

  He reached for the sides of my face. He pulled me into him for a very sloppy, very detestable kiss. I put my hands up to his chest to push him away and then give him another kick in the balls, but before I could, I heard a very familiar voice.

  “Moxie?”

  I pushed off David to spin around and saw Miles standing there.

  “Miles!” I cried. “It’s not what it looks like.”

  David wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me close to him.

  “Moxie, honey, why don’t you tell this asshole that we’re fucking each other?” David revealed a nasty smile at Miles.

  “What? No…Miles…he’s lying.” I tried pushing out of David’s hold, but he was too strong.

  Miles stood there frozen, but it was as if he couldn’t even hear what I was saying. He turned and pushed the door open to leave.

  “Miles!” I screamed, trying again to get his attention. It didn’t work, but I now had the attention of all the patrons of the café.

  I became enraged. Everything that I wanted, that I dreamed of, just walked out the door, and I was encased in this asshole’s arms. I had to go after Miles, to set this whole thing straight. First, I needed to take care of David.

  I thought back to the defense class that Renee and I took. At the time, I thought it was ridiculous to punch and kick a sack full of flour, but now I was feeling grateful. I took my left foot, lifted it and stomped as hard as I could on David’s foot. He yelled and loosened his grip around me enough for me to turn and send my elbow into his face. He shot back, holding his nose.

  “You fat bitch!” he yelled.

  “No, that’s Miss Fat Bitch to you, ass wipe,” I said , then took my leg and lodged it between his legs, making sure the chances of him ever procreating were slim.

  The whole coffee house erupted in cheers and standing ovations. I was grateful for the support, but didn’t have time to sign autographs. I needed to find Miles before it was too late.

  Chapter Twenty

  I can honestly say that I have never run so fast in my entire life. I did not understand the attraction of people who liked to run for pleasure, as my lungs felt like they were on fire. I saw the back of Miles’s head and shouted out his name. He either didn’t hear me or was ignoring me on purpose. I had a feeling it was the latter. I wasn’t all that surprised at what a prick David was, I was more upset with myself for meeting him and getting into this mess.

  I saw Miles get into his car and turn out into the street. I had to get to his sister’s house and try to explain to him what happened. I turned back and headed to my apartment to get my car, not even excusing myself to the people I bumped into.

  I got to my car in the parking garage and turned the key in the ignition. The noise my car made sounded like my grandma after smoking a pack of cigarettes.

  “No! Not now, not now,” I said to no one.

  I hit the steering wheel with my hands and lowered my head. Out came the sound of the car horn, which in turn somehow set off the car alarm. I got out of the car and pressed the alarm button on the key fob. Suddenly, a large sound and puff came out the muffler. I used my foot and kicked the side of the car, calling it every profanity I could think of.

  I hurried back to my apartment and called Renee.

  “Hello,” a male voice with a British accent answered.

  “Raj?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “I didn’t know that you and Renee were serious enough to be answering each other’s phone. That’s a four-month policy,” I alerted him.

  “Well, she’s in the loo and I saw your caller ID, so I figured there must be some sort of crisis.”

  “I don’t only call her in times of crisis, Raj.”

  “Right, but the chances of you and a crisis being intertwined are very likely.”

  He got me there.

  “Tell Renee to get her ass out of the loo and get on the phone.”

  There were a few moments of silence and then Renee answered.

  “Hello?”

  “We have a DEFCON one happening and I need your car,” I said so fast that I wondered if she even understood anything I’d just said.

  “Moxie, relax. What happened?”

  “Last night at the p
arty Amber told me she and Miles slept together. She said that Miles was disgusted by my body and went to her for comfort.”

  “And now you’re going to kill her, put her body in a car and push it over the bridge and into the water?”

  “Listen, Snatchquash, we’ve got a real problem here.”

  “Ok, ok. What’s up?”

  “I slept with Miles,” I revealed. “It was before Amber told me everything. So I was pissed and hurt, so I texted David to meet me at the coffee house.”

  “Oh, Moxie, you didn’t,” she groaned.

  “I went because I wanted to tell him what a horrible human being he was. The scum of the earth, the toxic waste to clean water…”

  “I get it! What happened next?”

  “I argued with David and stood up to leave, and then he thought it would be a brilliant time to stick his tongue down my throat.”

  “Was it any good?”

  “Renee, focus!”

  “Sorry.”

  “Then Miles walked into the coffee house and saw us kissing. When I tried to explain to him what was going on, David wrapped his hands around me and told Miles we were screwing each other.”

  “Oh, shit. Definitely a DEFCON one.”

  “He ran out of the place before I got a chance to explain and I tried to follow him, but he moved too fast.”

  “We really need to get back on an exercise regimen.”

  “RENEE!” I hollered.

  “So what happened to your car?”

  “It met its ultimate demise.”

  “You should have gotten your maintenance on it done when I told you to.”

  She was lecturing me at a time like this?

  “Seriously?” I said.

  “Fine, come over and you can use my car.”

  “Thank you, I’ll be over in five minutes.”

  I hung up the phone, got my keys and bolted out of my apartment. I was praying that Miles would hear me out and that David’s dick would turn black, shrivel up and fall off. I felt awful for the woman who would have David as a boyfriend, but then again, there were a lot of mentally ill people out there who needed a companion as well.