Risking It All

by Jennifer Schmidt

  “It’s okay.” Memphis soothed her by rubbing her back.

  “No, it’s not okay,” she cried into his chest, unexpectedly angry. “I know it’s been a year and a half since I miscarried, and I’ve accepted it, but Brooks has never even wanted to talk about it. I get that it happened early on in our relationship and that it wasn’t planned, and to him it was just a fetus, but to me it was a baby. My baby. We lost a child, our child, and he didn’t even blink an eye! You were there for me more than the father of my child was. If it wasn’t for you . . . I don’t know what I would have done.”

  “Kennedy—”

  “I just wanted him to see the sculpture,” she whispered, wiping her eyes. “I just wanted him to see the pain I went through and the thoughts I had, even if he felt none of it.”

  Memphis held her as she cried, soaking the front of his expensive shirt with her tears. He didn’t say a word, but to Kennedy his silence spoke volumes. She knew his heart was breaking because hers was, she knew he was sorry for her loss and that he would never be able to express it properly because he didn’t know how. And she knew, more than ever, in that moment he hated Brooks.

  Finally the tears stopped, and she pulled away from his wet shirt.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice hoarse. Her throat felt raw and it hurt to swallow.

  “Kennedy, there’s nothing I can say to make this right for you.” Memphis brushed the hair from her face and cupped her cheek. “I wish there was, but there isn’t.”

  “It’s not up to you to try and make it right anyway, Memphis. That should be on Brooks.”

  “I hate that he treats you like this,” Memphis spat. “He’s no better than your father.”

  “At least my father showed,” she added bitterly. “That’s more than I can say for Brooks.” She smiled at him. “No matter what, I’ll always have you, right?”

  “Always,” Memphis promised, stroking her cheek.

  “You know how simple this would all be if you were my boyfriend?” She laughed and shook her head. “You practically are in every way, anyway. You’re always there for me, always putting me first and making sure I’m okay. You love me more, and probably better, than any guy I’ve ever been with, including Brooks. My life doesn’t work without you because you’re my other half.”

  Memphis stopped rubbing his thumb back and forth on her face and she slowly looked up to meet his eyes. He was watching her closely, his eyes locked with hers as he stared at her. Neither of them made a sound nor moved an inch. She swore the pounding of her heart filled the silent room as she stared back at her best friend.

  Her mouth went dry, the words slipping from between her lips before she could stop them. “Why couldn’t it be you?”

  Memphis opened his mouth to answer but then shut it again. Her eyes dropped to his lips, much like his had done at the gallery, and she stared at his mouth, wanting something that she had craved for years but never had the guts to take.

  She was grateful he didn’t say anything, didn’t ask a question she didn’t have the answer to. She wasn’t even sure herself what she meant by the question. The baby, her boyfriend, her life . . . did it all come down to one thing? To one person?

  “Kiss me,” she whispered, barely hearing the words herself.

  Memphis’s breath hitched.

  “Kennedy . . .” He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, pressing his lips together as he exhaled. “You’re hurt and angry at Brooks—”

  “Yes. But that’s not why I want you,” she told him. She waited until he opened his eyes. “Kiss me, Memphis.”

  He hesitated for only a second before cupping the back of her neck and pulling her forward so her lips met his.

  The second their lips touched, Kennedy felt it. The connection she had been missing with everyone else. The spark that had never been lit was suddenly ignited and blazing when their kiss deepened. With every brush of his tongue along hers, with every gentle nip of her lips his teeth took, the reality of her feelings for him became crystal clear.

  It was so intense it scared her, and she pulled away, eyes wide as she stared at the man who had always been nothing more to her than a friend.

  “You need to go,” she said.

  Memphis huffed in frustration, swearing under his breath and running his hands through his hair.

  “I’m sorry, Kennedy. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “I asked you to, it’s not your fault. But I need you to go.”

  He watched her for a few more seconds before finally nodding, and stood. She watched him grab his jacket off the dining room chair where she’d dropped it when they came in, and throw it over his arm. He glanced at her once more from the door, and then was gone.

  Kennedy brought her fingers to her mouth and touched her well-kissed lips. She was a fool to think she could ask him to kiss her and not have it change anything. It changed everything.

  Until then she had thought she had a crush on her best friend, one that would fade in time when she found the man who made her feel as loved as Memphis did, a man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

  It only took one kiss to show her how wrong she had been.

  It wasn’t merely a crush.

  It never had been.

  Chapter 4

  Kennedy hid out in her apartment the rest of the weekend hoping to avoid both Memphis and Brooks.

  She was pissed off at Brooks, hurt by his broken promise. She ignored his calls, the anger and pain increasing with every apologetic text he sent or voice mail he left: he got caught up in work, he lost track of time, there was an emergency that came up. He had all the excuses she expected him to have, but for the first time in their relationship, Kennedy didn’t believe him. She suspected he just plain forgot.

  The fact that he could easily forget such an important night hurt her more than if he had been busy or lost track of time. If an emergency had come up at least he would have had a valid reason for not showing up, and that she could overlook. She would have still been disappointed, but she would have been able to forgive him. But not remembering? That cut deep. Especially when they talked about it and he promised to be there.

  Ignoring Brooks was easy; avoiding Memphis made her feel guilty. He had only done what she asked him to do, and because of it, she was hiding from him. It was her own damn fault and she was punishing him by making him think she was angry at him by not returning his calls.

  She was confused by her reaction to his kiss. Confused and scared. She couldn’t act on her feelings, but she couldn’t ignore them either. Telling Memphis was out of the question, she didn’t want to confess the sparks she felt when he kissed her. It was obvious he knew it was a bad idea from the way he acted that night. He was tense, hesitant. He only did it because she asked him to, not because he wanted to. Memphis would do anything she asked of him, including something that obviously made him uncomfortable.

  She was scared if she couldn’t get a grip on what had happened and just forget about it, it was going to affect their friendship. She was already dodging his calls. This was all her doing, and she had to suck it up and face it. After all, it was going to be hard to avoid him if she was going to Alaska with him in just a few short days. She didn’t want their trip—a trip she’d been dreaming about for years, for which he was taking a pay cut just so she could join him—to be filled with tension and hostility.

  Kennedy sighed and looked at her cell: seven missed calls and four unanswered texts from Memphis. Brooks had called almost as many times, but she was still too upset with him to even consider calling him back.

  A gentle knock on her door snapped her out of her pity party. She narrowed her eyes at the sound. There were only two people who could get up to her apartment without having to be buzzed in, and she wasn’t overly eager to see either of them.

  Another persistent knock earned a grumble from her as she left the couch and went to face whichever man waited for her on the opposite side of the door.

  She slowly slid
the chain from its latch and turned the lock. She opened the door and gave her visitor a small smile.

  “Hi.”

  Memphis cocked an eyebrow at her and his lips turned up into a smirk.

  “I thought I’d stop by and see how you were. I’ve been calling, but I guess your phone is off. That’s the only reason I can think of as to why you’re not returning my calls,” he said dryly.

  Kennedy flushed and dropped her eyes to the floor. Of course he would know.

  “I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

  “Can I come in?” he asked. She stepped aside to let him enter and closed the door, pressing her back against it as she kept her eyes on the floor.

  “Christ, Kennedy, you can’t even look at me.”

  Warily, she lifted her eyes to meet his. He looked hurt and angry.

  “I’m not mad at you,” she told him. “And I can look at you.”

  “Why are you ignoring my calls?”

  Kennedy shrugged, pushed away from the door, and headed to the kitchen.

  “I guess I was embarrassed,” she said, trying to think on the spot as she filled the kettle with water. “I feel like I took advantage of you because I was pissed off at Brooks.”

  “I thought it had nothing to do with Brooks,” he reminded her.

  Kennedy swallowed, grateful her back was to him so he couldn’t see the truth on her face.

  “I didn’t think it did. I was wrong.” She placed the kettle on the stove and turned on the burner. “I’m sorry.”

  “So that kiss was all about . . . Brooks?”

  Kennedy nodded, and he stayed silent for a few minutes.

  “Have you talked to him?” he finally asked.

  “He’s called.”

  Kennedy sensed his agitation. “Have you talked to him?”

  “No.”

  “Are you going to tell him what happened?”

  “I don’t think . . .” She swallowed and then shook her head, knowing there was no point in lying to Memphis since he would know anyway. “No, I’m not.”

  “About any of it?”

  She frowned.

  “The only thing that happened was the kiss.”

  “I’m not just talking about the damn kiss,” he snapped. “More than just that kiss happened and you know it.”

  Finally, she turned to face him.

  “Nothing more than the kiss happened,” she said, denying the way her body had reacted to him.

  Memphis grumbled a string of curse words under his breath and looked away, shaking his head.

  Kennedy folded her arms over her chest. “What’s your problem, Memphis?”

  He looked back at her and glared.

  “What’s my problem? Kennedy, what the hell is your problem?” His voice grew louder with each word. “What the fuck are you doing with him? He treats you like shit and you just sit back and fucking take it. You’re better than that; you’re not this person.” He waved his hand in her direction. “The woman I know wouldn’t let some man walk all over her and continue to break promises and make her feel like she wasn’t worth it.”

  Kennedy’s eyes widened and her lips parted, but she made no sound. Memphis’s voice was so loud she was afraid the neighbors would come to investigate. She was at a loss for words. He had never raised his voice to her before, had never gotten angry at her in all the years they’d known each other. Yes, she had frustrated him in the past, and she was sure that pissed him off, but not once had he shown it.

  His eyes met hers and the hard lines on his face softened.

  “I’m sorry,” he said repentant. “I just hate that you let him treat you like a doormat.”

  “Wow. You don’t have a very high opinion of me, do you, Memphis?” She turned to face the stove again so he wouldn’t see her tears, and removed the whistling kettle from the burner.

  She knew he was right and she hated it. She hated it even more that Memphis saw her as that woman. It was one thing for her to know that she let Brooks get away with treating her like she didn’t matter; it was another for other people to realize it as well.

  “Kennedy.” He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist as he rested his chin on top of her head. “You know that’s not true.”

  She leaned against him, relishing in the feeling of his arms wrapped around her. Her head told her to step away—being in his arms, especially at that moment, was a very bad idea. But her body fit nicely against his and his arms had always been her safe place. She didn’t want to step away.

  She placed her hands on his forearms, holding him the only way their position allowed.

  “I know.”

  “He has let you down too many times, babe. You deserve better.”

  Kennedy closed her eyes and took a minute to gather her thoughts before pulling away from him. His hold dropped from around her waist, and she moved to the opposite side of the kitchen, putting some space between them.

  She peered at him with accusing eyes. “It’s no secret you would love it if we broke up.”

  “I would want you to break up with anyone who treated you like shit,” he said. “It’s not Brooks per se; it’s how he behaves toward you.”

  “We’re not all like you, Memphis,” she said. “We can’t all turn off our emotions and not love, and just go through life one one-night stand at a time.” She watched more closely, knowing she was treading on a sensitive subject. She knew his childhood played a huge role in how he felt toward relationships and trusting people; she just didn’t know how or why. It was the only thing about his life that Memphis wouldn’t open up about. “Some of us want monogamy and commitment and quiet nights in, doing nothing with just that one person. Some of us like to be tied down, to know there’s someone waiting for us at home who will always be there, no matter what. That’s what love is.”

  Memphis’s lips quirked into a sad smile and Kennedy suddenly felt like he pitied her.

  “Brooks isn’t waiting at home for you, and he definitely isn’t there for you no matter what. If that’s what love is, Kennedy, then you’re a fool.”

  Kennedy stood there, shocked into silence for the second time that night. She crossed her arms and attempted to ignore how small and contrite Memphis made her feel. Tears burned her eyes and she quickly tried to blink them away, but her bottom lip quivered, and he caught on.

  “I’m not trying to hurt you,” he told her.

  “Well, obviously you don’t have to try to succeed in it, then.”

  “Ah, hell, Kennedy, this isn’t what I came here to do.” He scratched the back of his neck and looked at her sheepishly. “Look, I’m sorry I said anything. I just . . . I wanted to know why you were avoiding me. I thought maybe . . .”

  Kennedy slowly turned and scrunched her brows.

  “You thought what?”

  Memphis inhaled deeply through his nose and blew it out loudly in a half sigh, half grumble.

  “Forget it. It was all about Brooks anyway, right?”

  Kennedy dropped her arms and shook her head.

  “Memphis—”

  “Do you need me to make you a list?” He changed the subject so fast Kennedy stared him in confusion.

  “A list?”

  “A shopping list. For clothes.”

  Kennedy looked down at her baggy sweats and oversized T-shirt and grinned.

  “Are you trying to tell me I need to dress more fashionably?”

  He cracked a smile and shook his head.

  “I’m telling you you’re going to need to dress more warmly for Alaska.”

  “Oh. I think I can figure it out.”

  “Do you want me to come with you?”

  Kennedy laughed. “You want to come shopping with me?”

  Memphis grimaced. “Not really, but I want to make sure you get everything you’re going to need.”

  “I’m a big girl, Memphis. I think I can handle a little winter shopping. And no, I don’t want you to come with me.” She thought for a second. “I’ll take Vanessa. S
he’d probably like one last outing before the baby gets here and she’s too busy to eat, let alone socialize.”

  “Okay.” He looked at her warily.

  “I can manage. Besides, if I forget something, you’ll be there to keep me warm, right?”

  As soon as the words were out she wanted to slap her hand over her mouth. She closed her eyes briefly and shook her head, grateful she was with Memphis, who would normally laugh off such a statement.

  But when she opened her eyes again she didn’t see humor—she saw heat. Memphis stared at her, his eyes burning into hers so intensely it made her mouth go dry and her throat feel like it was closing. Her heart rate picked up and her stomach knotted in both pleasure and anxiety.

  No, there was nothing humorous about the look Memphis was giving her right now.

  “Be careful what you wish for, Kennedy.” His voice was thick and hoarse and laced with warning. “You might not be able to handle it if it were to come true.”

  Kennedy’s quick intake of breath sounded like a gasp even to her own ears. She swallowed, trying to coat her dry throat so she wouldn’t sound all squeaky and awkward when she spoke. But he didn’t give her a chance.

  “I better go. I’ll e-mail you a list just in case, okay? See you in a few days, beautiful.” He leaned in and quickly kissed her cheek, and then was gone, leaving Kennedy with only one thought.

  What the hell did he mean by that?

  ~*~

  Kennedy finally returned Brooks’s missed calls a couple of hours after Memphis left. Of course, her call went straight to voice mail, and she couldn’t keep the annoyance out of her voice as she left a very brief, and perhaps too sharp, message for him.

  She called Vanessa after that, who was thrilled to go shopping with her. They set up a time and a place to meet the next day. By the time Kennedy straightened up around the apartment, replied to a few e-mails from Ryder and one from Erin gushing about her new job, house and—fingers crossed—soon-to-be boyfriend, it was late and Brooks still hadn’t called.

  The familiar feeling of anger toward him ran through her once again, and she snatched her cell from the nightstand and shut it off for the night. She was going to bed and to hell with him if he tried to call now.