Risking It All

by Jennifer Schmidt

  And she was okay with that.

  She had to be okay with that.

  “Do you think I’m doing that with you?” Memphis asked, breaking into her thoughts.

  “Hmm?”

  “Kennedy?” He grabbed her upper arms and made her look at him. “Do you think I’m doing that with you? Do you think I’m treating you like some throwaway?”

  “No.” His face relaxed and his grip loosened. “I know what this is and what it isn’t, Memphis,” she added. “You don’t have to worry. I’m not fooling myself into thinking this is anything more than it really is.”

  His face hardened again, and he released her arms and took a step away from her.

  “What is this, Kennedy?”

  “It’s just us . . . succumbing to our desires.” Memphis screwed up his face, and she suddenly felt like she had said something very wrong. “Isn’t it?”

  “If that’s what you think, Kennedy,” he said and grabbed his jacket from where he’d dropped it a few nights ago.

  She huffed in frustration and crossed her arms.

  “What the hell, Memphis? What’s that supposed to mean? Where are you going?” she asked when he stomped out of the bedroom.

  She ran out of the room after him and watched him roughly pull on his boots.

  “Where are you going?” she asked again.

  “I have to get some work done.”

  Her stomach knotted as he opened the door. She knew she’d said something to upset him, and she hated that he was using his work as an excuse to get some distance from her again. An unknown fear crawled its way up from her stomach, spread into her chest, and wrapped its hand around her neck, squeezing her throat so she could barely breathe.

  Memphis paused before walking out and looked at her.

  “There’s a big difference between you and any other woman I’ve been with, Kennedy,” he said, sounding wounded. “I thought you knew that.”

  “I do know that,” she said quietly, tears stinging her eyes at the accusation and hurt she heard in his voice.

  “Obviously not, if that’s all you think this is.”

  “Memphis,” she called, but the door slammed in her face, and she was left in the eerie quiet of the cabin all alone.

  She stood there, staring at the empty space in front of her as the minutes ticked by, until finally forcing her legs to move to the couch. She sat, still dumbfounded by what had just happened.

  She hadn’t said anything that he didn’t already know, had she? Okay, the bitter and discarded club might have been a surprise, but he had to have known what kind of chaos he’d created in college with the girls. Memphis had been cocky and proud of the way he could have any woman he wanted back then; why would it come as such a shock that they all ended up thinking he was using them?

  That’s not what came as a shock, dumbass. It was because you told him he was nothing more than a fuck buddy.

  Kennedy frowned at the little voice.

  Yes, he’d been more upset with what she said was going on between them than what she had said about what went on years ago. But wasn’t that all it was to him?

  He’d told her last night that he had always wanted to sleep with her, so, really, wasn’t this what he had been waiting for all these years? She knew she was more than just a fling he could walk away from, but that still didn’t make this any more than a fantasy come true for him.

  Did it?

  She was the only one emotionally tied to all that had happened between them. She was the only one who had fallen so hard and fast that she had no idea how the hell she was going to get back up and walk away. She was the only one who had been stupid enough to let her heart become involved.

  Wasn’t she?

  Kennedy pulled her legs up to her chest and dropped her head to her knees. She tried sorting out the past few days since their arrival and what—if any—changes had occurred in Memphis.

  His jealousy toward Alec was new. He had never acted like that toward any guy she had been with, let alone just talked to. So that was something.

  His sudden willingness to forget their years of friendship and promises to each other that they would never cross certain boundaries was definitely new. But why did he no longer care about it? Was it simply a case of all the years of innocent flirtation finally leading to temptation? Had he grown tired of trying to stay away from her sexually and just given in? His reaction to what she had said about that told her no.

  So what was it?

  Could Memphis . . .

  Kennedy’s heart clenched.

  Could Memphis have feelings for her? Could he be just as confused and unsure as she was right now? Could Memphis actually have fallen in love with her?

  She scoffed at the idea and dismissed the thought immediately. Memphis was the ultimate anti-love poster child. There was no way.

  So then why was he so damn upset at what she said?

  She sat there for a few minutes mulling the same questions over and over again. Finally, she got up and searched for the thing she had put away and forgotten about since her arrival.

  Kennedy picked through her purse until she found her cell and turned it on. She waited impatiently while it powered up.

  She hadn’t checked her phone since the day after they had arrived. She hadn’t even really checked it then. She had turned it off after Memphis had driven her back to the cabin the night she met Alec, and hadn’t turned it on since.

  Kennedy scrolled through the twelve text messages—all from Vanessa, Ryder, and Erin. She quickly punched in her voice mail and found seven missed calls, all of them, once again, from her three friends and one from her mom.

  She hadn’t been aware she had been holding her breath waiting to hear something from Brooks until her lungs started to burn from lack of oxygen. She exhaled, quickly sucked in some much-needed air, and stared at her phone.

  Why hadn’t he called or texted or made some attempt to get in touch with her? It had been six days since they’d seen each other. He always checked in when he was away.

  Although it wasn’t like she had been blowing up his phone trying to connect, either.

  Kennedy chewed on her lip, contemplating what that meant. She knew why she hadn’t called him, but why was he so quiet? On one hand, she was actually glad he hadn’t called her, but on the other, she couldn’t help but wonder why.

  Was he still pissed at her for how they left things? Had he decided that he was just as over their relationship as she was? Was him not calling his way of blowing her off?

  She scowled at that. Yes, she hadn’t exactly been Miss Faithful while away, but if he was going to break up with her, she at least deserved for him to have the balls and tell her.

  Pot? It’s Kettle calling.

  Kennedy scowled at the voice that was getting harder and harder to ignore when it kept piping up all the time.

  She quickly dialed Vanessa’s number, needing someone to talk with about everything.

  “Oh my God, she’s alive,” was the greeting on the other end, and Kennedy smiled. “I thought maybe you were lost in the Alaskan woods for good.”

  “We were hit with a blizzard three days ago, so I could have been buried in heaps of snow never to be found again.” Kennedy laughed.

  “Well, at least you have some hunky eye candy to keep you warm.”

  Kennedy remained silent.

  “Oooh,” Vanessa drew out the word, catching on quickly. “He’s definitely been keeping you warm, hasn’t he?”

  “Warm doesn’t even come close to describing it, Vanessa,” Kennedy said. “It’s Joe’s-homemade-hot-sauce hot.”

  “My panties are on fire just thinking about it!”

  Kennedy snorted and blinked up at the ceiling.

  “Mine are rarely on any more,” she said, earning her an ear-deafening squeal.

  “I knew it! I told you so. I’m surprised you haven’t lit the sheets on fire with all that built-up sexual chemistry you two’ve got going.”

  “The sheets
are fine,” Kennedy said dryly.

  “How did Brooks take it when you broke up with him?”

  The question caught her off guard; she didn’t know what to say.

  “Kennedy?”

  “What?”

  “Please tell me you actually broke up with Brooks first.” Vanessa groaned.

  “It’s not like I came here planning to sleep with him, Vanessa!” Kennedy said in her defense. “It just happened. We were fighting one minute and the next I’m pressed up against the door with my jeans around my ankles.”

  “He took you against the door?” She gasped and then quickly collected herself. “Kennedy, that doesn’t matter. What about Brooks? And why were you fighting?”

  “Because that’s all we’ve been doing since we arrived. Little misunderstandings or whatever that leads to quarrels. Fight and fuck. Apparently, it’s what we’re good at.”

  Vanessa laughed and then groaned in pain.

  “Please don’t make me laugh. This kid is pushing on all my organs at the same time, and any sudden movement makes everything ache.”

  “I’m sorry. How is my little girl?” Kennedy smiled.

  “If using my insides as a punching bag is any indication, she or he is just fine.”

  “Will you just have it already so I know for sure whether or not Peanut is in fact peanutless!”

  Vanessa laughed again.

  “Ouch. Any day now.” The friends were silent for a few moments and then she asked, “So what about Brooks?”

  Kennedy rubbed her forehead in frustration.

  “I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to him since I left, and he hasn’t called or anything.”

  “Well, here’s a simple question: Do you want to be with him anymore?”

  “That’s a simple question?”

  “Yes. Either you do or you don’t.” Vanessa paused. “Do you love him?”

  “Who?”

  “Who? Brooks! Who do you think I’m talking about? Oh, my God!” She gasped. “Memphis? Kennedy, are you in love with Memphis?”

  “Vanessa,” Kennedy breathed, already frustrated where this conversation was going before it even started.

  “I thought it was something that just happened?” she asked. “I mean, anyone who knows you two knew this was bound to happen sooner or later, but I didn’t think you’d actually fall in love with the guy.”

  “Wait. What do you mean everyone knew it was bound to happen?” Kennedy asked.

  “Oh, c’mon. You just have to look at you and see the heat between the two of you.”

  “Great. No wonder Brooks was always paranoid that something was going on between us,” Kennedy said to herself.

  “Do you love Memphis?” Vanessa asked.

  Kennedy closed her eyes and nodded.

  “Yes.”

  “Do you love Brooks?”

  “I don’t know,” she whispered. “I feel as if things are over between us. But do I feel that way because of how we left things, or is it because it really is?”

  “Well, the guy is never there for you, anyway. He’s always working or away or just plain putting you on the back burner,” Vanessa said. “Do you think maybe he’s cheating?”

  “Brooks?” Kennedy almost laughed. “Brooks doesn’t have time to cheat.”

  “Everyone has time to cheat if that’s what they want to do.”

  Kennedy contemplated that for a second and then shook her head.

  “Brooks isn’t a cheater.”

  “Neither are you.” Vanessa let her think about that for a minute before adding, “The point is, you feel like he’s never there for you. And time and time again he’s proven that.”

  “I know. And I think that’s part of it. I can’t depend on him. Memphis . . . Memphis is everything Brooks isn’t. I know he’ll be there for me, no matter what. I can rely on him and trust him and know that he always has my back.”

  “Kind of sounds like you’ve already made up your mind,” Vanessa said. “How does Memphis feel?”

  Kennedy laughed bitterly.

  “That’s the million-dollar question.” She sighed and told her friend everything that had gone on, including Memphis storming out not too long ago. “So there you have it. What can you make of it?”

  “Honestly?”

  “No, I want you to lie to me.” Kennedy rolled her eyes.

  “I don’t think it’s some casual hookup for him, Kennedy,” Vanessa answered, ignoring her sarcasm. “I really don’t. Does that mean he loves you, as well? I don’t know; only he knows that. Maybe he’s just scared?”

  “Scared?”

  “Men do get scared, you know. They’ll never admit it, but it does happen.”

  “So what do I do?”

  “Ask him? Tell him how you feel?” Vanessa suggested.

  “And risk having him walk out of my life forever because he can’t handle it? No thanks.”

  “So it’s better to just ignore it and act as if this is nothing to you? That he’s nothing to you?”

  “He knows that’s not true!” Kennedy shouted.

  Vanessa sighed heavily and remained quiet.

  “I’m sorry,” Kennedy said. “I shouldn’t yell at you.”

  “No, you shouldn’t. My hormones are already so out of whack anything can set me off. I cried the other day when I couldn’t reach the coffee mugs because of my belly.”

  Kennedy giggled at the image.

  “Don’t laugh at me. You’ll make me cry again,” Vanessa warned and then laughed. “When do you get home? I miss you.”

  “In a couple of days. I told Ryder I’d be gone for a little over a week, and he’s already leaving me needy messages.”

  “Do you want to know what I think you should do?”

  “As long as it doesn’t involve me spilling my guts, I’m all ears.”

  “I think you should come home early. And it’s not for purely selfish reasons that I think that. Yes, I’m terrified to go into labor by myself and need you here in case Joe is at work, but I also think you need to get away from the whole thing and just think. None of this is fair to you or Memphis or Brooks. You need to figure it out, sweetie.”

  “Maybe you’re right.”

  “Let me know what you decide, okay? I gotta pee. You know, if I can get up. Something for you to remember—when you’re nine months’ pregnant, don’t ever sit down because there’s a good chance you’ll never be able to get back up.”

  Kennedy laughed.

  “Okay. Love you. Hold that baby in until I get back.”

  “Easy for you to say. Your bladder isn’t being used as a squeeze toy. Love you.”

  Kennedy disconnected and continued to stare up at the ceiling. She pondered what Vanessa had said, weighing the pros and cons about leaving early. After what seemed like hours of going back and forth, she dug around in her bag for her flight information and called the airline. With a heavy heart she made the flight arrangements for the next day and then curled up into a ball on the bed and pulled the covers over her head, hoping to block out the world.

  The bed dipped as Memphis crawled in next to her hours later, waking her from a restless sleep.

  She kept her back to him, her red, puffy eyes hidden in the dark. She didn’t pull away when he pulled her over to his side and hugged her to his body. She let the tears fall again, silent this time as she listened to his breathing and felt his lips in her hair.

  “I’m going home tomorrow,” she told him, her throat sore from the hours of crying. “I think it’s best.”

  Memphis pulled her even closer to him. She waited for him to say something—to ask her to stay, or to tell her he was sorry and that he was wrong for walking out. That he should have stayed and talked to her.

  Kennedy wanted him to tell her what he was thinking, swallow his pride—or fear, if that’s what it was—and tell her the truth about how he felt about her. She wanted to know why he was jealous of other men all of a sudden. She wanted him to tell her what he planned to do about the two of t
hem when they got back home.

  She needed to know that this wasn’t it—that they were better than this.

  But when he did speak, it wasn’t to tell her any of that.

  “Okay.”

  She died a little inside in that moment, wrapped in the arms of the only person who had ever made her feel alive.

  Chapter 14

  Kennedy stumbled into her apartment blurry eyed and all cried out late the next afternoon. She dropped her bags by the door, kicked off her shoes, and fell into bed, where she stayed the rest of the day.

  Memphis had driven her to the airport early that morning, neither one sure what to say or how to say it. She had stopped at the front desk before leaving and asked if they could ship her painting to Vancouver. Piper assured her it wouldn’t be a problem and she’d send it out ASAP.

  She had told Memphis not to bother parking and to just drop her off. It was the first time she had spoken since getting into the vehicle and he seemed surprised at her request.

  “There’s no point in you staying and waiting with me, Memphis,” she told him. “I’m a big girl. I can find my flight all by myself.”

  He did as she asked, throwing the truck out of gear roughly and slipping out of the cab to grab her luggage from the back.

  Kennedy watched him in the side mirror as he grabbed the bag, his lips set in a firm line. She sighed and grabbed her purse, opening the door and getting out.

  Memphis set her suitcase on the sidewalk next to the truck and shoved his hands in his pockets, his eyes darting over everything but her.

  “Memphis.” She pleaded with him to look at her and not let this be the way they said good-bye.

  “What the hell do you want me to say, Kennedy?” he asked, glancing at her before looking away again.

  “That you’ll call me when you get home and I’ll see you soon,” she answered simply.

  “You know you will.”

  Kennedy watched him for a moment before grabbing her bag and turning to leave.

  “Kennedy?”

  She turned back and he pulled her into his arms.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  She blinked back tears and nodded.

  “Thank you for this, Memphis. The trip . . . everything. It’s been amazing. Thank you for giving that to me.”