by Tucker Shaw
SUNDAY MAY 26
MY ROOM, 9:24 PM
Outfit: sports bra and basketball shorts
Hair: shiny, but smells a little like avocado from this treatment tito gave me yesterday.
Mood: recovered.
Fortune: Know you.
I went on a great run this morning with evan and it kind of helped me sweat out the last day or two.
evan is starting to get really fast these days—he can totally out-mile me back to back. he made me sing the whole time tho—he loves making me do that. it’s cool. I mean i guess it’s good for my voice. Anyway, i’m totally over that whole pop star thing. Don Dezer and the rest of them are all completely clueless and don’t know realness when they see it.
I’m not Nice ’n Easy anyway. I’m Kelly Kimball. I have my pride. I have my identity. and I have finals this week.
MONDAY MAY 27
SCHOOL, STUDY HALL, 11:14 AM
Outfit: tech skirt and pullover hoodie. I know, it’s kinda last year but whatever.
Hair: should I get bangs?
Mood: I hate myself. But I hate you more.
Fortune: Play it as it lays.
How much do I hate my current life? Let me count the ways:
I have three finals and an English paper to do this week.
I am exhausted. I was up until 2:30 last night trying to understand what said paper is supposed to be about. (Apparently I’ve spent the last semester enrolled in a class called “Character Motivations in the Novel and Short Story Forms” and didn’t even know it.) Then I got woken up at 5:45 this morning when the freak twins Staci and Traci started practicing their pageant rendition of this old Whitney Houston song “I Wanna Dance with Somebody.” It makes them sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks singing destiny’s child. it’s not good.
Carl, my stepfather.
I am still 24 hours from my period and have never been bitchier.
i only slept an hour last night. i’m in that kind of mood where everything just seems so ridiculous or hopeless or something that all you can do is laugh at all of it. mom calls it “punchy.” stuff that on normal days would kinda freak me out seemed funny to me today. Like, “I blew that European history exam! i’m probably gonna get a D in the class! ha ha ha” or “my mom likes my stepsisters better than she likes me! ha ha ha!” or “I weigh five pounds more than I did yesterday.”
Whatever. I’m gonna go see if we have phish food in the freezer. Later.
THURSDAY MAY 30
MY ROOM, 4 PM
Outfit: Um lemme look. ok jeans and a Roxy tee.
Hair: I’d give it a 6.5 out of ten.
Mood: freaking
Fortune: Don’t overthink.
Omigod Omigod Omigod.
I’m freaking out. ok I can’t believe it. I’m going back to LA. To audition again. not another audition for pop stars. this time I’m auditioning for darcy barnes. let me rephrase. DARCY BARNES WANTS TO MEET ME AND SEE ME DANCE.
ok ok ok. ok don’t panic. ok.
this is just totally too weird. isn’t it? I mean, how did this happen? how many millions of times have I listened to her cds? how many hours have I spent learning her routines in front of my bedroom mirror? How many times have I uttered her name? (how many times have I totally dissed her outfits with tito while flipping through Teen People?) and now I’m going to be meeting her … and DANCING for her!
ok ok ok I’m getting ahead of myself. here’s what happened. I got home after school (biology exam was multiple choice! whew!!) and signed on to check my email. there was this random one:
To: Kel_Kimball
From: EileenW_hitpatrol
Date: Thursday May 30
Time: 10:38 AM
Subject: Dance opportunity for you
You don’t know me, but my name is Eileen Wang. I’m the tour manager for Darcy Barnes’s It’s Darcy!! tour. My friend Don Dezer, who manages the Pop-Tarts, showed me a tape of your audition last Friday, and although I understand you weren’t selected for that job, I’m very interested in talking to you about another, much bigger opportunity. I need you to be in LA this Saturday at 10 AM. Please email me back as soon as possible to confirm.
Eileen Wang
I practically hyperventilated. These are the things I thought, in the order that I thought them. (I think.) Ok:
Who’s messing with me?
How can I play this and get back at them, whoever it is?
there’s no way this is for real.
could this be for real?
what if it’s for real and I tell off Darcy Barnes’s manager by mistake?
I stopped myself from thinking too hard. I was FREAKING OUT. I decided to be professional, just in case it wasn’t a joke. I replied to the email right away (I sent it to tito first so he could check and make sure it was written correctly. He’s always on me for not using proper grammar and punctuation.) “Hello. I am very interested in this opportunity but I do not know if I can be in LA on Saturday. Please call me.” then I wrote my phone number.
anyway, she called me. I don’t have time to write it all now because I have to go talk to tito, but it was totally FOR REAL. this woman eileen wants me to audition on Saturday for a backup dancer spot on this summer’s Darcy Barnes tour. at least I think that’s what she said. it seems weird because it’s kind of late to be auditioning for a summer tour, considering summer starts in like a couple of weeks. I know I have work and everything but whatever, I can just tell them I’m sick. I don’t care. there’s probably no way it would ever work out but so what I get to meet darcy barnes and dance for her OMIGOD how crazy is THAT?!
this is better than the pop star thing. way better. way, way better.
guess Eileen is looking for some REALNESS after all! ha ha. :-)
oh man I just realized. What’s mom gonna say? i hope she lets me do it. But what if she doesn’t? Ugh. can’t think about that now. I gotta call tito. oh wait he can’t talk on the phone. I gotta get over there!!
I cannot screw this up. I cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot screw this up. I cannot screw this up. how am I going to get to LA?
and what am I going to wear?
FRIDAY MAY 31
HOME, 8:45 PM
Outfit: dad’s old cashmere sweater. it’s getting all holey but I’ll wear it forever. and gray track pants.
Mood: overdrive. I can’t focus on anything. all I can think about is meeting darcy and not screwing up royally
Fortune: There is no free ride.
Ok. first of all, can I say thank god that trig exam was easyish because I didn’t study at all last night. And SCHOOL’S OUT!! (I mean except for the junior picnic next monday and another makeup day for that day we got off for the earthquake last march. or was it last December. I can’t remember anymore. but I mean, come ON. the junior picnic? I don’t THINK so.)
now the bigger news: I’m definitely going to the audition. i have actually convinced Mom to drive me to LA tomorrow. It worked out really well because she has to take evan to go see this lawyer in the San Fernando Valley, which is like a half hour from LA. this lawyer dude might be able to get evan’s probation shortened, which it should be. I mean, he hasn’t burned anything down since that co-op. at least not that we know of. the kid needs a break.
I wonder if she’d be as easygoing about the audition if she weren’t having so much trouble with carl. I mean, she seems totally out of it today. she and carl got into a huge fight last night. I guess he ended up sleeping in front of the tv because I came down to watch power-puff girls at 11:30 but I couldn’t because he was snoring away. and it smelled like farts. loser.
maybe she’s only ok with me trying out because she doesn’t think I have a chance. I wonder if she’d actually let me go if I got it? It’s Darcy!
anyway tito came by the dance studio today to help me practice my routines for tomorrow. the thing is, though, he was being really harsh on me. He gets that way, all perfectionist(ic?) and everything. he kept telling me I needed to get THERE. I w
as like, I can’t just go there on command and I can’t fake it. he goes. It shows. I go. That’s mean. he goes, “Aries need to be reined in every now and then, and they need to be told the hard truth sometimes.”
but I think maybe he’s a little jealous too. he would love to dance for Darcy Barnes. but I love him and I know he loves me. and, well, whatever … we made a couple of improvements to the “Love You Like a Lollipop” routine.
FRIDAY MAY 31 AGAIN
HOME, MIDNIGHT
Outfit: low-rise sweats, pink tank
Mood: can’t tell, too nervous about tomorrow
I hopped onto the internet to counter the full-on nervousness I’m feeling about tomorrow. tito called me Nervous Nelly earlier.
so it’s going to be a family affair tomorrow … me, mom, AND evan.
SlipKnotRules933111: Dude what time do we leave tomorrow
KellyKelSoCal321: 9:30. Do Not, repeat, Do Not make us late.
SlipKnotRules933111: shut up it’s not like I want to be late either.
KellyKelSoCal321: sorry dude no need for bold just harshin on you
SlipKnotRules933111: what are you going up there for anyway
KellyKelSoCal321: I already told you I’m auditioning for Darcy Barnes!
SlipKnotRules933111: who?
KellyKelSoCal321: Darcy BARNES! she’s like a huge star.
SlipKnotRules933111: You mean like Britney Spears?
KellyKelSoCal321: Uh, no. oh forget it. you are so clueless.
SlipKnotRules933111: did you see Americas most wanted
KellyKelSoCal321: no
SlipKnotRules933111: it was good it was this guy who dissolved these kids in acid. by the way have you noticed mom and carl
KellyKelSoCal321: a little. why?
SlipKnotRules933111: well get this mom told me that after we meet with that lawyer dude for my thing that she has to talk to him alone about something else too. but she won’t tell me what for.
KellyKelSoCal321: dude that could be nothing. She’s probably doing something for carl
SlipKnotRules933111: I think not. I heard mom screaming at him about someone at work he’s supposedly doing.
KellyKelSoCal321: WHAT
SlipKnotRules933111: yeah I don’t know what’s up but they haven’t been speaking for like two days and he’s going away with the twins for the weekend.
KellyKelSoCal321: well that’s good at least. silence for once.
SlipKnotRules933111: I guess. see you in the morning. ok bye. ps if you want me to be on time you better come wake me up he signed off before I could bust on him for that.
ok, now any prayer I had for falling asleep was ruined. now I have to worry about the audition. And about mom getting all divorced again. I hate it when she’s single … we’re always so poor when she’s single. I mean the last thing I want is to go back to sharing a room with Evan in a stupid little apartment somewhere, like when we lived above that house after dad died.
Uggh! I need to NOT worry about this right now. evan probably got it wrong. I need to relax. I need to sleep.
have I mentioned that I’m going to meet DARCY BARNES tomorrow? if i get this spot, I’m so out of here. see ya later San Diego. so long, double jonbenets and your farty father.
God I’m nervous.
SATURDAY JUNE 1 (I think. It could be Sunday morning, June 2. It’s LATE.)
BACK HOME
Outfit: boys’ briefs and a cami (just about to crash)
Fortune: I totally forgot to check today!!
I DID IT!!!!!!!! I FUCKING DID IT!!!!!! I’m a backup dancer on the IT’S DARCY!! tour!!!!!! I TOTALLY RULE!!!!
ok, I am way too tired to go into all the details. all I can say is I can’t wait to tell tito how I saw darcy barnes applying little round band-aids to her nipples so they wouldn’t show through her unitard. i guess it works but it’s gotta suck when you rip ’em off. i bet it’s gotta suck even harder when you have pierced nipples. I’m not saying that Darcy does. OK, yes I am.
as soon as I got back home and into my bedroom, I called tito on his cell phone, which he sleeps with on “vibrate.”
He told me I was amazing and that I’d have to come over tomorrow and tell him all about it. I could tell he was really tired, but not too tired to ask if I met darla?
Darla. Ha. tito’s obsessed with her. he’s always obsessed with the weirdest people. like instead of being a celine dion fan he’s totally focused on Rene, her husband. he was the first person I knew who had ever heard of willa ford.
anyway, darla is darcy’s mother. And she’s well known because darcy barely makes a move without darla moving right alongside her. like it tones down her hoochiness or something. like if her own mother doesn’t have a problem with darcy practically stripping onstage, then the rest of the world will be cool with it, too. I mean, people think Pashmina is way sluttier … I wonder if it’s because her mother is never around. I mean, they both do the thong-with-chaps look, only for some reason it just looks nastier on Pashmina. I don’t get it.
anyway I wouldn’t know what darla’s really like because I didn’t meet darla. so I said, “I didn’t meet darla.”
so then Tito goes, “Are they real?” and I knew he was talking about her boobs. I go, “I don’t know but all I’m saying is they don’t really move. I mean, they move, but they don’t move, that makes sense, right? anyway darcy borrowed my belly button ring.”
ew, I hope you purelled, said tito.
call me when you wake up, I go. or I’ll call you. that’s all for now. i’ll fill you in on all the fabulosity tomorrow.
SUNDAY JUNE 2
MY ROOM, 3 PM
Outfit: I’m trying to pack so I’ve been doing costume changes for the last hour. I wonder how many shoes I’ll need. good thing I’ll be making plenty of cash. I can buy new shoes in every city!
Hair: ponytail, high and sloppy
Mood: so, so psyched.
Fortune: Begin at the beginning.
tito and I spent the morning out back in his yard putting tea in our hair. it’s supposed to make it shiny or something. we didn’t know what kind of tea to use so we just made nestea iced tea and poured it on our heads. no lemon tho. we learned the Sun-In lesson YEARS ago.
the first thing he said was, How much are you going to make?
and I said, way more than enough. trust me.
tito wiped a fake tear from his cheek. he goes, My baby’s going to be rich. come here, come give me a hug.
I did.
then I filled him in on all of yesterday’s details. and as dad would have said, “it went a little something like THIS:”
the whole time we drove up to LA evan and mom were arguing about how he has to stay in school all summer long. i kinda felt bad for him but i agree with her. I mean he messed up big time so he really should stick to the rules for a while. he knows it, too. he’s just whining.
anyway they dropped me off at this random studio in Santa Monica. Eileen had emailed me the address. the door was totally locked and there was no buzzer or anything. I knew I wasn’t late so I told mom and evan to just leave and just sat on my backpack and scarfed down the second powerbar of the morning. I was, as tito’s mother always says, nerviosa!
My level of nervousness for the pop stars audition was nothing compared to this. I sat on that curb for what felt like hours.
I didn’t have my watch on me and I left my cellie in the car so I had no idea what time it was. what if I got the wrong day? what if they changed their minds? what if this was all a practical joke after all?
i was about to get up and leave when this cool-looking asian woman with spiked hair, black jeans, a leather blazer, and square glasses starts screaming, “Kelly? Kelly Kimball! Hey! Kelly! Whasssup Kelly! Woo-hoo!”
I was like whoa! who is that and how does she know me?
she came closer. she started talking, really really really fast. Like a cartoon. “I’m so psyched you made it! I was seriously bumming out when shania … that’s the backu
p dancer you’re replacing … well auditioning to replace … shania tore three ligaments on tuesday night and even though we tried really hard to get her to dance on wednesday she just kept falling over and even when we told her that we can’t do the show without her and we were all depending on her and that this is just a really really inconvenient time for her to get injured and everything she just kept collapsing and everything … then when the orthopedic surgeon told us that she needed surgery asap and she wouldn’t be recovered for four months … I got into a serious panic because I mean It’s Darcy!! starts in just a couple of weeks, really, and to calm me down my boyfriend don dezer … I call him diseazer but the thing is … he showed me this tape of all these really bad girls who auditioned for him last weekend but then when you came on and we watched your routine I was like holy toledo that’s shania! and he was like no it’s not and I was like I know you dick but I need this girl she’s just as good as shania but younger, which really matters, gimme her number … and he said he didn’t have your number anyway that’s when I emailed you and you came here and thank god you’re here and look at you you’re perfect and come upstairs and darla’s going to love you.”
or something like that. I was just like: Wow. I needed to take a breath after that.
then she goes, “I’m eileen. Eileen Wang. sorry. nice to meet you. the job pays $40,000 for the summer plus expenses. would that be acceptable?”
“Ok!” I said, unable to think, just respond. “and nice to meet you, too!” I realized I was almost yelling. Forty thousand dollars was more than anyone in my family had ever seen at one time.
From there, the next four hours were a daze. Eileen took me up to this studio and told me to get warmed up. it was really bright in there cause the sun was shining like directly into the windows. well it wasn’t really windows more like a wall that was glass. the whole rest of the room was surrounded by mirrors. I was in there for a while by myself and I started tripping out that they were those two-way kind of mirrors (the kind that they always tell you department stores have in their dressing rooms so you supposedly won’t be tempted to shoplift but really you just get nervous that someone’s seeing you in your underwear … you know those).