by Tucker Shaw
$40,000!!!
Anyway, Eileen came in a couple of minutes later. she goes, “behind those mirrors over there darcy and a couple of the dancers are hanging out. I’ve already shown them the tape of your routine for ‘Love You Like a Lollipop’ which she totally loved I mean she said it totally rocked. so now they’re having cappuccino fro yos and Kozy Shacks and they want to watch you do the routine in person. I hope it doesn’t freak you out too much that they’re back there … does it? is it too weird? you can tell me if it’s too weird.”
weird? what do i know from weird? when’s the last time I had to audition for the biggest MTV star in the universe? maybe this is just how it worked. it totally freaked me out though. I mean I started thinking maybe there were like 40 people back there, all with clipboards and stuff, looking really mean. but I was like KELLY suck it up and deal this is IT. ok, fine. if it’s two-way mirrors, it’s two-way mirrors. “no problem,” I said, scrounging up a smile. or at least trying to.
“great ok I’ll go cue up your music if you’re ready.” she closed the door behind her, and the door kind of melted into the mirror so much that after a while I kind of forgot where the door was. I was TOTALLY tripping out at this point. I knew all these people were watching but all I could see was reflections of myself. it seemed crowded in there, but it was only me. I was truly, schooly freaking out. “ok, sure,” I said.
this is it, I kept thinking, this is it. don’t blow it. you’ve done this a thousand times so don’t think about it. breathe. breathe. I heard Eileen over a speaker (I never figured out where the speakers were …) “ok, urn, all set, Kelly?”
i nodded. i heard the first few beats (luckily i’d built in a two-bar pause at the top of the routine so I couldn’t be caught off guard) and felt my legs start to move. it was strange not knowing where to focus because they could have been behind any of those walls. Luckily I also realized that if I tried to see through the glass, to see behind it, I’d look like a real idiot. I got that from watching the real world. so I just picked a spot to center myself with and stuck with it.
as soon as the song hit the first chorus, though, the music stopped. “urn, sorry, Kelly. hey, um … the girls weren’t watching. would you mind starting over?”
I didn’t know which way the voice was coming from or where I was supposed to look when I answered it so I just said, “SURE NO PROB.” that got me flustered, but I kept it under control. I kept thinking about the way tito would react if I screwed up. he’d glare at me in horror, then pretend that darcy barnes had no idea what she was doing and that she was a moron for not choosing me and that I’d be a star no matter what and did I want to deep-condition anything. I wasn’t sure I could take all that, so I was determined not to screw up.
and we started again. this time I figured I had find to find my way THERE—as soon as possible. and stay THERE.
luckily I found it. in fact, once the music started again, it wrapped me up like a spring roll. i was flying, working, striking, hitting EVERYTHING in a way that I’ve never felt. I just went for it and rocked. it was like how when you know someone important is watching you, you kick everything up a notch (either that or you totally collapse and fall apart. luckily that didn’t happen this time). anyway it felt like a total “peak” as Danielle my ballet teacher used to call it.
except right as I was “peaking” the music conked out. silence. I just looked around at myself (myselves) in the mirror.
I stood there, still breathing, not sure what to do. I realized I’d raced from sitting outside on the curb to auditioning for darcy barnes to waiting for a response and forgetting which way I was facing in the space of only 10 minutes. this was all happening so fast, even if for a moment it felt like nothing at all was happening.
there goes the $40,000, I thought.
still nothing.
then the mirror cracked. cracked open. I fixed my eyes on the floor in front of where the mirror opened into the room. I was too scared to look up. I was expecting eileen wang to step out of the mirror-door and tell me to go home. This was bad.
slowly I raised my gaze, hoping that perhaps eileen would come out and again tell me that they weren’t watching.
and out popped darcy barnes! it was so unreal. like, this girl I’ve seen 100,000 pictures of, whose wardrobe I know even better than my own, was all of a sudden right there in front of my face! she looked different … not like different different, but the expression she had on her face was kind of, I don’t know, unglamorous. and she had a zit on her chin! And she was taller than I thought. all these things went whipping through my head, and what do I say? omiGOD you’re Darcy Barnes!
Then I wondered whether I was even allowed to talk to her. Or whether I was supposed to do something to show my respect, like curtsy.
“hi!” she goes. “I loove your tank!”
that’s what she said when she hired me. not “You were great!” or “Sweet moves” or “It will take a lot of work but you’ll probably do OK. Nope, just “I loove your tank!”
made me wonder whether my dancing had anything to do with it. what if I’d worn a different tank?
tito was like, How do you spell the way she said “looove” and I go, I’m pretty sure you spell it with three O’s. at least.
SUNDAY JUNE 2
MY ROOM, MIDNIGHT
Outfit: I have changed over 30 times today and I still don’t know what to wear tomorrow. oh, and there’s the little issue of packing for the next three months away from home.
Mood: should I be a little sadder that I’m leaving for the summer? maybe, but I’m too excited.
other than tito, evan, mom, and the dance studio (they were pissed, not that I really cared. I mean, hello $40,000!), I haven’t told anyone about my summer plans. Tito’s the only friend I hang out with anyway. The rest of them will find out through the grapevine or something. besides, as soon as darcy barnes said, “I looove your tank!!” my entire focus has been on leaving tomorrow.
evan hasn’t spoken to me since the car ride home yesterday. after I told him that I got an offer from the It’s Darcy!! people, he basically ignored me. I guess that’s just his way. he doesn’t want me to go and this is his way of telling me. dude is pretty sensitive. anyway he was there when I signed on for the last time from home.
SlipKnotRules933111: can you give me a ride to OzzFest on Wednesday?
KellyKelSoCal321: evan. I won’t be here. I told you. I’m leaving tomorrow.
SlipKnotRules933111: ok
KellyKelSoCal321: i’m sorry. i’m going to miss you a lot
SlipKnotRules933111: whatever. it’s not like I need you for a ride anyway. i’m not helpless. it’s not like I have some walkathon disease or anything.
Then he signed off.
I’m worried about him. The only thing he has going for him at the moment is that martino “corrective” school for ex-con teens he’s in. turns out he’s like a genius. the kid’s already finished 11th grade physics, and he got an A. I got a D, barely. he’s going to start taking college classes next year in architecture. one day an arsonist, the next an architect. go figure. I guess they understand him there. which is good cause nobody else seems to.
the only thing about the Martino School is the cost. it’s way more than we can afford. Carl paid for the semester that Evan took last year, and he never lets any of us forget it. I would love it if we didn’t have to take his money.
speaking of money, did I mention that I’ll be making a couple of bucks this summer? or, I mean, $40,000 for three months!!!???!!?!?! sorry, I guess I already mentioned that.
anyway I think i’ll save some money for evan. it could help free up my mom to get out of this carl situation.
I’m crashing now. Eileen said there was a car coming tomorrow at 10 AM to take me to LA. a car? how about a jet? ha ha. just kidding I’m not that much of a diva. YET. ha ha.
MONDAY JUNE 3
ON THE WAY TO LA, 11:30 AM
Outfit: track pants, evan’s Insane Clow
n Posse tee (not that I’m a fan or anything but for some reason I feel brave in it)
Hair: tito gave me braids last night so I just left ’em in.
Mood: a little weepy. I just left home. trying to be brave but, well, kinda weepy.
Fortune: Welcome luck whenever it appears.
The car came for me this morning at 10. i think that was the first time evan got that i was actually going. he came up from the basement, stuck his head out the garage door, goes “bye,” then turned around and went back in. i feel really bad. but he’ll be ok. plus I have my laptop so we’ll definitely talk.
thank god the twins were at their pre-tween modeling class when I left. carl was watering the bushes out front. I heard him yell, “where’s she going?” just before I slammed the door.
Mom is the only one who actually walked me to the car. she loves to take moments like these and pretend she’s in a Lifetime made-for-television movie. she took a little breath. then exhaled. I didn’t know if she was going to say something or just keep staring. her eyes kept darting back and forth. it was obvious she didn’t know what to do. it was like she was waiting for me to say something meaningful, wise, hopeful, or something. I’m like hi, I don’t have a team of writers like they do on lifetime. and guess what I don’t need the pressure!
the best I could think of was, “bye mom.”
then she really went for it. she was whimpering, like, “ok baby. Go. Go because you CAN. I love you. I’ll always be watching. i’ve never stopped watching everything you do, I never will. now, go.”
she smiled but it was one of those moms-only “I want you to think that I don’t want you to see it but really I do want you to see that I’m dying on the inside smiles.” but it wasn’t just for effect … I could tell it was hard for her. isn’t it weird how you find yourself in those moments sometimes and you feel like it’s not real, and you can’t help thinking that what the other person is saying is totally cheesy? and then, like, later, after the moment’s waaay gone, out of the blue, you realize how much it affected you or whatever and you start to bawl like a “Baby-Wails-a-Lot” doll?
that happened to me like 10 minutes ago. I mean I didn’t really start to BAWL, but i’m kinda sniffly and weepy at the moment. when I began to cry the driver turned up the radio on this awful country station. I think he was trying to get out of asking “what’s wrong?” which is fine with me cause I didn’t want to talk to him about it anyway.
I just kept thinking what mom said: “Go because you can.” like, kinda saying I’m old enough to handle it, smart enough to deal, talented enough to succeed, all that stuff. it’s weird to realize how much it matters to me that my MOM would think that about me, that she trusts me, that she believes in me or something.
so here we are, on the way. Clay Aiken is blasting into my ears and it hurts. god I hope I remembered my discman. I need some sarah mclachlan and a nap …
WAIT! PANIC! I just had a horrible thought. What if everyone on the It’s Darcy!! tour hates me?
There goes my nap with Sarah McL.
TUESDAY JUNE 4
DARCY’S HOUSE (or as everyone here calls it, “D-Zone”)
LOS ANGELES, 11:54 PM
Outfit: official It’s Darcy!! concert tour tee (white on black), basketball shorts
Hair: they want me blonder. fine with me.
Mood: wiped out. been trying to keep my head down and do everything right. so far no major mess-ups. but no one’s really being nice to me. I can’t tell if they all hate me, but there sure have been a lot of staredowns.
Fortune: No one knows you better than you.
I am so tired I can’t tell my ass from my elbow anymore. I’ve met more people in two days than I’d ever met before in my life, dancers, backup singers, managers, agents, drivers, bodyguards … it’s insane. I’m exhausted, where do I begin?
for starters, eileen told me yesterday that I had to change my name.
so from now on i’m officially K.K. Darcy and everyone thinks K.K. sounds more “REAL” than Kelly. I guess the fact that it’s not my real name doesn’t really matter.
I’m still not sure if that means I’m K.K. Kimball or just K.K. I guess I’ll have to check the program.
whatever, i’m cool with it, most of the dancers seem to have nicknames, I probably would have picked something else, but what am I going to do, argue about it and lose the job?
so after getting up at 8 (we each share a room with another dancer but I have a room to myself because I’m new, I guess), all the dancers did a stretching class for an hour, then a pilates/core strength class for an hour. I didn’t realize that stuff could be so tough, I was ready for a break.
except we didn’t get one. darcy emerged from her suite at 10:30 AM, and we started rehearsing. and we didn’t finish until 11 PM.
no one was really MEAN to me, but no one was really NICE to me either. I mean, i’m not sure exactly how I did (everything went so fast), and every routine was totally 100% new to me so I never got THERE (or anywhere near it), but at least I don’t remember totally embarrassing myself anywhere along the way. I guess. I don’t know. And like I said, there were plenty of stares. But no glares, at least. There is a difference.
darcy barely spoke to me once. in fact she barely spoke to anyone at all. not in a mean way or anything, just like it was all work. Everything they say about her working seriously hard is true. I didn’t notice it so much at the audition, but when she does speak, it’s in this like texas but valley girl kind of accent. kinda low but still really young. like, “omylordy y’all! I’m gagging” and stuff like that. it was kind of weird when I realized that she doesn’t talk to anyone, especially considering how nice she was the other day at my audition, but I guess the pro in her is all about work.
I don’t know what is going on with the rest of the dancers. you always see like Janet Jackson and people like that on tv talking about how they’re all best friends with their dancers and how everyone’s like some kind of big happy family or whatever. but it sure didn’t seem that way. part of me assumed it was just me that didn’t fit in. but by the end of today it started to look like no one was really getting along.
I am SO missing tito right now. he’d know what to do to break the ice. and if he couldn’t break the ice at least we’d be able to bug out together.
my best bet for a friend looks like the choreographer, Rashid. he’s really really cool. he told me I have excellent instincts but also a big job ahead of me. he said he’d help me out after hours and stuff if I needed it. he was asking me all about my body, about injuries I’ve had, what my strengths are as a dancer, what my weaknesses are, stuff like that. he seems like he really cares about all the dancers a lot, and he knows EVERYTHING about them. he winked when he said “everything.”
After rehearsals one of the Men in Black took all the dancers to Mas Macho Taco, hardly anyone talked to me, it was weird. I felt like the new kid at school or something, but I guess everyone was really tired and everything, plus i was too busy shoving Macho Burritos with green sauce in my mouth. I had never been so hungry in my life. I had two but ¡felt like I could have had fourteen more.
now, of course, I feel like I could hurl.
the house we’re all staying in is really cool. there are at least 10 bedrooms. some of the dancers live here, three of the Men in Black (one of them is actually a woman in black but whatever), and darla, and a guest room for when darcy’s dad and kid brother Danny come to visit.
oh yeah and this weird burnout Hawaiian wannabe surfer guy named Walter who runs the kitchen, but he’s always in board shorts and surfer tees and he wears pooka shells every day. I think he might be pretty much stoned all the time. I’m definitely going to get to know waiter cause he seems like he completely rules.
I’m living on the same floor as darcy and we share a bathroom, which is totally weird. I mean, hi, I’m sharing a bathroom with DARCY BARNES. I’m practically too afraid to go in there.
I keep looking around for Jesse Nixo
n, that VJ. All day I kept hearing that he was just here or he’s coming or whatever. I want to see him already! I wonder if my crush will hold up when I meet him in person? (Notice I said when not if.)
there’s a huge living room/kitchen/hangout space downstairs (they call it The Pit) where everyone chills all the time. it’s got a massive flat-screen TV, a big fish tank, and a dartboard with Pashmina’s face in the middle. oh and there’s a big ol’ pool out back with a diving board and there are all these intercoms and stuff all through the house. the basement is all like laundry and stuff. there’s a basketball net out front and the yard is all trees and pathways and water features. it’s so amazing. I’ve never even been in a house like this to visit, let alone live. we just don’t have it like this down in san diego.
it’s all very Real World, very tricked out in every way. I wonder how much it all costs??
I’m exhausted. thank god I get my own room even though it’s next door to Darcy’s and I can hear Darcy and some guy playing playstation through the wall. at least I think that’s what they’re doing. they seem to be getting pretty active about it though, my headboard is against that wall and I swear it just moved.
thank god for this laptop.
SlipKnotRules933111: you there?
KellyKelSoCal321: HEY!!!! want to come up this weekend? I have Sunday off so maybe we could go to a show on Saturday or something. I think cradle of filth might be playing. you can stay in my room.
SlipKnotRules933111: I’ll ask mom.
KellyKelSoCal321: don’t ask mom. just tell her you’re coming, get the bus schedule off the greyhound website. I’ll pay you back for the ticket. and BRING MILKY WAYS. lots of them. i’m starving to death. promise??
SlipKnotRules933111: did you watch Cops last night?
WEDNESDAY JUNE 5
D-ZONE, 11:30 PM
Outfit: cotton terry robe darcy gave me. see below.
Hair: it’s official, i’m blonder now. I had it done (but not as blond as HER).