by Tucker Shaw
“It’s OUR car baby. But you need your sleep!”
“Yeah so I can make more money for you?!”
“Is that how you talk to your mama?”
this is nothing like their public relationship. I mean, the two of them act like best buds on camera. if only people could hear the way they scream at each other in person. I even heard the word “bitch,” twice. But I just kept my eyes on my banana.
evan was staying in my room, and I just let him keep sleeping. I figured I’d probably be back before he got up anyway. I told him to sleep or watch tv and not to come out. I just hoped darla wouldn’t wander in there and find him. I could just picture her now. she’d probably accuse me of having underage boys up to my room. not that there’s any rule or anything about having guests, and I do pay rent don’t I? anyway I just don’t really need to be messing with darla at ALL. especially today when I can barely see straight.
I went over to darcy and smiled at her. I go, How are you? are you ok?
and she goes, Yeah why wouldn’t I be ok?
and I go, But after last night?
and she just goes, Of course I’m ok! are YOU ok? are you ready to dance? we need 110% today.
and I go, but what about jesse?
and she looked at me with cross-eyes and goes, “what do you mean? you mean Jesse Nixon? whatever, who cares.”
part of me was like ok, sorry for asking. damn! I guess we were back to Diva Darcy, we left Cool Chick Darcy way behind. but she wasn’t being mean or anything. she just seemed incredibly focused.
anyway we danced all morning, hard, until 12:30. I’ve never sweated so much in my life. I think Darla told Rashid to drill us extra hard. that wasn’t unusual all by itself, but there was definitely something different going on today.
all of a sudden, everyone seems really anxious about how soon the tour is. everyone’s all “ten days till St. Louis ten days till St. Louis! that’s where the tour starts off. anyway I have a feeling that things aren’t going to be as loose as last night from now on. there’s a sense of dread in the air.
anyway after this morning’s session, which I don’t mind saying totally sucked, I raced back to D-Zone, woke up evan, and gave him $15 for cab fare back to the bus station. oh and $16 for the bus.
Then I gave him another fifty bucks. what can I say, my first check was deposited on friday. (instead of $2,000 it was more like $400, what with all the “rent” and “private lessons” and “management fees” they took straight out of my check but whatever.) I told him to behave.
quit acting like my mother, he said.
I was like, Someone needs to act like your mother, Evan. I know you’re not getting it at home. he laughed.
I loaded him into his taxi, waved goodbye, and headed back to the studio. I’ve still got an hour to work on that transition before we start group rehearsals again.
MONDAY JUNE 10
D-ZONE, LATE
Outfit: I ੩Darcy Barnes tee. I cut the sleeves off.
Mood: Pumped.
Fortune: Bite your tongue and remember.
To: Tito_T
From: kaykay4real
Date: Monday June 10 Time: 10:15 PM
Subject: getting THERE
I finally met Jesse Nixon today. where do I start? for starters he’s as cute as he looks on TV and stuff. And taller than I thought … he’s a good package overall. He needs to cool it with the trucker hats but whatever. Anyway, he’s a total player. He was in the pit with darcy and I was the only one there, watching tv on the couch. darcy was like that’s k.k. she’s the new girl in the crew. he totally came up and sat right next to me, I mean RIGHT next to me … started rapping. “New girl! New girl! When you gonna do me girl?” I was like ew but I didn’t want to cause a scene so I just laughed and squirmed away. He squirmed after me. I was officially grossed out. Darcy goes “leave her alone!” and they left. It was gross. Dude we are working so hard. I’m so sorry I haven’t written. I totally haven’t been able to even concentrate hardly at all. Thanks for lending Evan that money last week. Did he pay you back yet? I gave him some $$. If he didn’t, let me know so I can kick his ass. We’ve been dancing like 12 hours a day. For the first few days, I was just so tired at the end of the day that I thought I would just totally pass out. But now that I’m really starting to get the routines down, I’m getting better. my abs are seriously tight right now! and darla hasn’t commented on my weight in days. anyway, darcy continues her totally schizo behavior … but added all up, I think I like her pretty well. and don’t believe everything you read about “best friends.” You are my one and only, tito. forever and ever.
Anyway I’m starting to get pretty freaked out about the show. it’s coming up in nine days. I have nine days to get perfect. and the thing is, I still haven’t really bonded with the dancers. I still get looks from them like I’m some kind of amateur. I guess it’s because I’m younger than them but I can’t help feeling they’re annoyed that I’m friends with darcy or something. what do you think? it’s not like they want me to fail, but they don’t want me to be too good or something. I don’t know. I don’t get it, I thought we were supposed to work together. Why aren’t you here with me?
L8er,
Kelly aka K.K.
PS—Punkin the Pekinese is seriously annoying.
The rest of the day sucked completely. I mean, it started out well enough. I felt like I was starting to go THERE in a couple of places.
rashid even asked me to be, like, darcy’s stand-in on a few of the numbers since she wasn’t there. (maybe she had a photo shoot or went off with jesse, who knows?) the guys (armand and jes—s) used me to practice the lift that they normally do with darcy.
as a crew we really nailed some stuff. when we came to the end of “Indentured to Me,” I was like hang on guys I have to take a whiz. I bolted for the bathroom because I seriously needed to pee! they laughed behind me. for the first time it sounded like they were laughing with me instead of at me.
but just as I was about to shut the door behind me someone blocked it open. I knew it was darla even before I saw her—I smelled peaches.
I peeked around and looked up at her. her lipstick was fresh, her hair was perfect and even through her wraparound sunglasses I could tell she had the LOOK on.
“you looked really good out there today K.K.,’ she goes. “you seem to be picking up on the moves right.” I mumbled thanks and tried to walk past her into the bathroom. “it’s a good thing you’ve learned the stuff because we open next week.”
and again I started mumbling, this time about how psyched I was and how much work I know we need to do but we’ll get there. and then she goes, “that’s nice to hear that you’re dedicated. But K.K. let me be very clear”—and she actually put her hand on my shoulder all faking like she was being sensitive or caring or some-thing—“rashid seems to think you’re very talented, and you seem to have no problem doing anyone’s steps, including darcy’s. but let’s all remember why we’re here, we’re here because of darcy. she is the star and the reason we have jobs, and do you know why darcy is here? darcy is here because of me. and no matter what was running through your mind during today’s rehearsals, no matter what rashid or any of the others asked you to do, it’s entirely inappropriate for you to sub in for darcy’s steps, even in rehearsal, you are NOT the star here, do you understand? darcy has enough competition from pashmina, britney, and all the rest, don’t even THINK that you’ll ever be added to that list.”
she stepped closer. I was totally cornered and near panic.
I just looked at her as blankly as I could even though I was terrified on the inside. “I know all of you teen girls have dreams of making it big. maybe they even told you back in, where was it, santa cruz? santa barbara? wherever, maybe they even told you that you had what it takes to make it big. everyone says things like that to make girls like you, regular girls with regular hair and regular bodies, feel better.”
“actually come to think of it, it was probably
good for them to have to lift you today. next to lifting you, lifting darcy will be a breeze for them.”
OUCH, I thought. this is only going to get worse. I stared at the floor, unable to stop blinking.
“but I digress, you see, K.K., stardom doesn’t happen for girls like you, ever. it only happens for girls like darcy, girls who are not regular. girls who are special, you, K.K., are a support player. backup, your only purpose here is to make darcy look good, that means getting the moves down and not screwing up. it does NOT mean standing out. after all, we can’t all be darcy barnes, now, can we? it would be silly to spend your whole life dreaming about being a star. because for you, that’s impossible. have I made myself clear?”
I just stared at her mouth. I started blinking really fast so I wouldn’t cry. I refused to let her make me cry. she actually reached out to grab my chin and pull my face up but I jerked away. “let me say again, JJ., I mean K.K., that we’re all just thrilled to have you here.”
thanks I mumbled. just then that Pekinese stuck its head up out of her purse and sneezed. I’m sorry, I like animals and all, but ick.
I wanted to bop it on the head. I didn’t. I just concentrated on breathing, slowly, deeply, carefully.
Darla went on. “and just so you know, I won’t be telling darcy about this little chat or the incident this afternoon …” again with the mumbling: thanks, and then she goes, “remember, I’ll be watching from behind the glass, cheering you guys on throughout all your rehearsals.” with that she turned and left. I closed the door of the bathroom, turned to the mirror, and stared at myself for about an eighth of a second before bursting into big sloppy gaspy blubbery snotty really wet sobs.
I cried for a while before I realized that for all I knew darla was watching me from behind THAT mirror too.
I wanted out, out of everything, but only for a minute, when I thought about evan, when I thought about the money, I changed my mind. I need to nail this gig. I want every penny owed to me. this could be evan’s ticket out. not to mention my own.
MONDAY JUNE 10
D-ZONE, 11 PM
Rashid just left. he came up to my room a little while ago to see how I was doing. I guess it was pretty obvious that I was upset after I came back out of the bathroom. maybe it was the fact that I was beet red … not just my skin but my eyes and he totally figured out why.
at first when he knocked I was kind of thinking, um, leave me alone you totally ruined my day by having me sub in for darcy when you knew that darla was watching. but then I decided to let him in because it wasn’t fair to blame him. we were just practicing, right? I’d even forgotten that darla would be watching.
he said to me, “look, it’s cool. darla can be tough. I know I put you in a rough spot. I apologize, and believe me I won’t do that again. but you’re really good, girl. you’ve got IT, like I said. I saw in your face today that you, what do you call it, got THERE while you were dancing. you are the real thing, Kel.” I love it when he calls me that. No one else on the tour ever does. He’s the only person who sees me.
Then he told me that sometimes I need to keep my realness to myself. sometimes it makes the other dancers feel threatened or something. he said that he knows the hardest thing for me isn’t going to be the dancing. it’s going to be learning how to deal with everything else. like being treated roughly by the people in charge and having to put up with second-class treatment and having to practically beg for raises and having to stay on your toes with everyone else 24/7. but he says he thinks they’re chilling out and who knows maybe I’ll make friends.
“you’re a good enough dancer to do this, kel. it’s just your skin that needs to get thicker.”
ok so he sounds like a camp counselor but actually, that’s exactly what I need right now.
his cellie rang. it was eileen. she said she wanted to talk to me. I go, hello?
“hey there k.k. how are you wow you guys looked so good today this is going to be the best tour ever and rashid told me he’s really really happy with all your work and everything and I’m just really psyched but I guess I should have really been more clear about what darla expects from everyone and well I just want you to know that she’s really got her eye on you I mean I think it’s just because she really really likes you and she’s really really counting on you and everything but I know sometimes that can be a lot of pressure but I guess what I’m saying is just hang in there and keep dancing so good because you totally saved us on this tour and this is such a great opportunity for you and no matter what I’m definitely going to get you another meeting with don dezer after the tour is over but in the meantime it’s really important that you and darcy get along she really talks about you all the time and considers you one of her closest friends, isn’t that awesome to be best friends with a superstar, so anyway how are you? and besides if you get yourself fired I’ll probably get fired too. is rashid still there I need to talk to him again.”
I didn’t even get in a single word, I just handed the phone back to rashid, who winked at me and said to eileen “let me call you back e.w.” and hung up. he asked if I was gonna be cool and I said yeah then he gave me a huge hug, then he left. I locked the door behind him.
was that eileen’s lame attempt at a peptalk? or was that some kind of apology? or was it a roundabout threat from darla, sent through eileen? or was it just eileen bugging out? I don’t know. it’s so hard to figure out what everything means around here.
evan just signed on. I don’t have the energy to chat. i just really need to be alone right now.
SlipKnotRules933111: Kel?
KellyKelSoCal321 has signed off.
FRIDAY JUNE 14
D-ZONE, 11:30 PM
Outfit: pjs and a wifebeater.
Mood: sleepy. hardly slept all night. went to the kitchen around 4 AM for a diet coke. Walter was there too. we waved at each other but didn’t speak.
To: KellyKelSoCal321
From: SlipKnotRules933111
Date: Friday June 14
Time : 11:45 PM
Subject: whatsup how come you just signed off on me?
I felt so bad when I read that. And now I have to tell him he can’t come up this weekend. I can’t deal with disappointing people, least of all him. that reminds me I need to set up an account to save money for his tuition at the martino school.
aaaaagh I am so stressing out right now. my brother hates me and I leave for my very first major world tour on Monday and darla barnes hates me and my mother’s probably getting another divorce and my hair is getting more orange by the second (hello Shaundree) and my family is going to be broke if mom gets divorced. and not only that I have to dance my first major show ever in less than a week in front of 18,000 people. I mean if one dancer makes a mistake, it can throw everyone else off and if jesus and armand and the rest of them have been chilly to me up till now, I can only imagine the ice storm that would await a screwup like that.
on that encouraging note, I’ll go see what’s for breakfast and prepare to dance my ass off.
MONDAY JUNE 17
PLANE TO ST. LOUIS, 2:54 PM
Outfit: It’s Darcy!! official tour jacket. just like all the other dancers on the plane. yep, we all have the same jacket on. nice huh. very broadway wannabe.
Hair: darcy offered to let me have shaundree fix it when we get to St. Louis. yes, we’re really going. it’s happening.
Mood: more dazed than confused, I think.
Fortune: Aim high.
leave it to me to puke on takeoff. I can’t believe it. I am so bad on planes. it’s embarrassing. there’s something about the smell of puke, too, that never seems to go away, everyone on the plane hates you when you puke. like I’m SORRY but believe me I didn’t WANT to puke! it’s not like I planned to puke and ruin everyone’s morning. god I wanted a parachute.
I was sitting by Darce but after I hurled she moved to another seat. some best friend, huh. ha ha.
I swear it was the takeoff. I did NOT puke due to nerves.
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Oh did I mention the news? everyone’s been squawking about how the “Cherry Red Lips?” video went to #1 on TRL this weekend. Pashmina’s “My Needs Come First” was #2. Walter even made a special Hawaiian pineapple cake last night to celebrate. I’m going to miss Walter.
MONDAY JUNE 17
GRAND HOTEL, ROOM 813
ST. LOUIS, 11:45 PM
Outfit: same tour jacket as above.
Hair: I can’t keep track anymore it changes so much.
I got my first taste of how weird this is really going to be when we were met at the airport today by like 5,000 screaming fans and at least fourteen TV cameras. there were like thousands of people there. ok maybe not but hundreds for sure. it was absolute MAYHEM.
Fans were jammed into the baggage area screaming “DARCY!! DARCY!!” and holding up signs like “Darcy Rules” and “Teamsters for Darcy” and “Thank U Darcy from St. Louis Virgin Alliance” and “Darcy I’m a Gigolo but I’ll Do You for Free!” and stuff.
(what’s a teamster, anyway?)
then there were these other signs at the back of the crowd: “Pashmina Is the Queen of St. Louis!” and “Just Say No to Lollipops!” and “Darcy Can’t Sing” and stuff. (i could tell that the singing one got to her. she hates when people compare her voice to Pashmina’s. let’s face it, Pashmina is a much better singer. but Darcy’s still a bigger star. guess singing doesn’t really matter all that much, does it?)
we walked fast, all of us in sunglasses, surrounded by a team of men and women in black. Darcy and darla were arm in arm, gazing downward. I was way back with the other dancers, bringing up the rear, trying to coast under the radar and soak it all in, and these random faces would pop out from the crowd and scream “DARCY!!” right in front of us. it was such a trip. people were FREAKING and SCREAMING in our faces. not to be gross, but Darcy Barnes fans seem to generate a lot of saliva. I guess that’s what antibacterial wipes are for.