by Tucker Shaw
and then there were all these really weird, really strange, totally silent fans who just stood there in our path staring at darcy with their mouths open and their eyes really wide. it was like they were paralyzed. they looked like what I imagine a stalker looks like, and they scared the hell out of me.
Of course, I was freaking out. my inner voice was squealing oh my god finally. just when I thought this whole experience was going to be a big bore, we’re hit with a wall of paparazzi and crazy psyched-up fans. this is just like I pictured it. this is sooo celebrities uncensored. this is So E! True Hollywood story! I am fabulous!
but there was this other voice in me saying ok, here I am on TV for the first time and I’m wearing the same outfit as everyone else. we look like cheerleaders. wait, we basically are cheerleaders. we look like a bunch of dorks! the tinas were really into it, and d-run was eating it up, but I could tell angelina and I felt the same way. she and I bowed our heads and covered our eyes for a moment, but through my fingers I could see darla looking at me. she must love watching us squirm.
and there was this other voice in me saying, good thing no one’s commented on my “fitness level” in a while or this could be a serious fat moment.
and another one saying, don’t look at me! freakin’ paparazzi leave me alone!! nobody look at me!
and a last one saying, look at me. look at me! this was the loudest one, so I started smiling.
through my teeth I realized I was still nauseous. maybe it was all the flashbulbs going off in our faces. I realized darcy was right in front of me. she turned to me, teeth gritted and big, and goes, “move. now.” she grabbed my arm and we started power walking straight for the wall of flashbulbs. “we have to break through.”
another side of darcy: the charlie’s angel.
anyway so as we were racing through the airport these reporters kept screaming questions like, “So what do you have to say about the controversy?” and “How do you justify your decision?” and “have you responded to the offer for your virginity?” and stuff like that. Darcy and Darla and everyone just kept looking at each other like, controversy? What controversy?
the reporters kept on, kind of like chasing us through the airport. “What prompted you to make the decision to start your world tour in Pashmina’s hometown?” and “Pashmina says she’s shocked that It’s Darcy!! is kicking off in St. Louis. but she calls it typical and she welcomes you to her hometown nonetheless. What’s your response?” “Where’s Jesse Nixon?” “Has your virginity status changed yet?” “Who are you wearing?”
So I guess Pashmina is from here. I wonder if Darcy even knows that. But then out of nowhere Eileen popped up and whispered something in Darcy’s ear. She was obviously trying to do some damage control. Then Darcy stopped cold, and all of a sudden the entire room stumbles over itself, rights itself, and goes silent. she looks straight into the closest tv camera. all these random mikes appeared out of thin air, jammed in her face all at once like flies on a jar of honey.
she inhales, focuses, smiles big, and in a really loud, really clear voice with more twang in it than I’d heard before, goes, “Thank y’all so much for coming. Lordy what a great welcome! Thank you! We’re looking forward to playing a sold-out concert for 18,000 of our fabulous St. Louis fans Friday night. We wish you could all be there, but the show just sold out so quick. I’m so sorry if you don’t have tickets! Hopefully you’ll learn to order early next time! Thank you again! My fans are just the greatest fans in the whole wide world! See you all Friday night!”
and then we left.
no one followed us after she finished speaking.
I was like wow, what a pro. she really knows what she’s doing here.
KellyKelSoCal321: DUDE!
SlipKnotRules933111: what’s going on I’m watching Cops this drunk guy is flipping off the camera.
KellyKelSoCal321: I’m in St. Louis. my first show’s on friday.
SlipKnotRules933111: oh yeah. oh my god he just took a swing at the camera and his wife put her cigarette out on his car!
KellyKelSoCal321: I’m nervous.
SlipKnotRules933111: now their dogs are coming out of the trailer holy shit
KellyKelSoCal321: you know what evan. I love you. but you can be a jerk sometimes. will you at least say good luck.
SlipKnotRules933111: good luck.
KellyKelSoCal321 : thanks.
SlipKnotRules933111: you don’t need luck kel. you won’t mess up. you’re too good. hey did you puke on the plane?
he really knows how to melt me. I love that kid.
To: kaykay4real
From: Tito_T
Date: Monday June 17
Time: 11:45 PM
Subject: Reality check
Just a quick note because I have to get back to Sally Jessy. It’s transvestite makeovers. But they just showed Darcy Barnes’s “Aloha Thanksgiving” special from last year on USA. That one where she parasails in that pilgrim hat and black-and-white tankini? Yes, they were showing a Thanksgiving special in June. Whatever, I totally watched and pictured you in the next one. You’re keeping some pretty stylish company there, Kel!
I love you,
Teeto
I love you too, Tito.
we’ll be practicing all week. we kind of took over the whole concert arena for the next few days, using it to work out the last little kinks in the show before we go live on friday.
that’s just 4 days away.
I wonder if Pashmina will be at the show. After all, it is her hometown …
THURSDAY JUNE 20
GRAND HOTEL
ST. LOUIS, 11:30 PM
Outfit: still wearing my encore costume (dress rehearsal today …): black sports bra and black square-cut boys’ bathing suit.
Hair: someone get me some frizz ease, quick
Fortune: One slow, steady step at a time.
ok tomorrow’s the show. I can’t believe it. I’m freaking. I don’t think I can do it. i’m going to blow it.
i can’t believe they haven’t fired me yet. especially after today. I practically ruined the whole show. ok let me explain.
we had a dress rehearsal today, which means we had to wear all six of our stage costumes, doing the changes and everything, and can I just say that I don’t like any of the outfits except for the bolero jacket I wear for “Carpe Diem (Seize Me)” but anyway … we do it onstage, with all the correct lights, sound equipment, everything, basically it’s a full-on live show without the audience. we were ONSTAGE at the arena, which is HUGE!
I mean, the biggest stage I ever shook it on was at last year’s regional recital in front of like 200 people. so I’ve never danced with that many lights pointing directly into my face or in a place with that kind of sound system. it was almost like there was something wrong with it … there was tons of feedback and everything and I could see Jesse Nixon was sitting there just offstage watching us. I now officially think he’s gross. I keep thinking about the way he was leching all over me on the couch in the pit.
Anyway, as much as I tried to stay loose and relaxed, my feet were starting to feel like they were made out of concrete or something and instead of dive rolling through Li’l D and armand’s legs like I was supposed to, I dive rolled directly into their knees, causing a total domino effect and taking out all three dancers. legs and arms were everywhere. I landed directly on my face and I’m not just saying that. I seriously landed right on my face like, directly. and not only that, Li’l D then landed directly on my head. I don’t want to overshare here but let’s just say I got a superduper closeup of what tina’s been dealing with over the last few weeks and, well, she must be some kind of circus freak. but anyway.
so the music just kept on going. “Whenever I fall / Whenever I call / Whenever I want you baby / You’re there on your knees …” and we’re all lying there in a heap in the middle of the stage. everyone else got up and stepped way back from me, like I had the plague. armand was actually pointing at me. I didn’t even bother hoping that darla wa
sn’t watching. I just knew that Darla was watching from somewhere, giving me the LOOK.
I closed my eyes and tried to disappear into the stage. then I felt rashid’s hand on my shoulder. he helped me up and walked me aside, offstage, down into the front row. I was gasping for air and fighting back tears. humiliated didn’t even begin to describe how I felt.
rashid looked me in the eye, holding my chin. “it’s ok, girl. you just need to RE-LAX.” I pulled my head back and go, RE-LAX?? are you KIDDING? hello I’m on the biggest stage in the universe and I can’t see ANYTHING with these lights and I suck and this outfit is so not me and I feel like everyone’s mad at me and now I’m totally scared to really dance, totally afraid to let myself go THERE. and did I mention I suck?
I really struggled hard not to cry. I just didn’t want to be a crybaby right then. but I couldn’t help it, my eyes started to water and I started to sob. I kept thinking god I hope everyone’s not watching but I knew they were.
rashid just hugged me for a minute, told me it was all gonna be cool. and there was something about the feel of his arms that reminded me of dad and I just let it go. I didn’t wail out or sob loud enough to entertain the entire arena. I kept it local. but I released a lot of tears into his arms. And rashid held me, tight, the whole time.
after a couple of minutes I suppose, or maybe ten, rashid lifted me up. he handed me a bandanna to wipe off my face and he asked how I’m doing. I said fine.
he said good because we have to get back up on that stage right quick before we get in any more trouble. and we both laughed. as we were walking back up he kept his arm around me, peptalking me the whole way. he told me to not be afraid of being THERE, but to be careful with it … he told me how the hardest but most important thing to learn when you’re a dancer isn’t how to get THERE (although every dancer calls it something different), it’s how to get THERE and stay THERE, to float, without losing any concentration or control. it’s a conscious THERE, not a blind THERE if that makes any sense.
and, he added, Without injuring your fellow dancers. that made me laugh.
I was like, everyone just watched me have a total nervous breakdown. rashid just kept saying “forget them. forget them. you’re here to dance. just dance, k.k. forget the rest of it.”
as I got to the stage darcy came over, looked me in the eye, and goes, “u ok?” and I was like yeah and she goes good. no extra-special hand squeeze or anything like that. just “good” and then she stood up and faced the company. “ok everyone let’s take that one from the top. we gotta pull this show together. now.”
we started from the top, had a clean run-through and a flawless sound check. thank god.
I was like ok, I can do this.
what a day. my head is throbbing. my stomach is out of control. I hope I can do this.
someone’s at the door.
THURSDAY JUNE 20
GRAND HOTEL
ST. LOUIS, 11:55 PM
Outfit: evan’s Insane Clown Posse t-shirt again. I’m gonna sleep in it.
Hair: clean. they told me to wash it tonight, not tomorrow.
Mood: trying to just stay focused on tomorrow night. I CANNOT FUCK UP LIKE I DID TODAY.
that was darcy at the door. she said she’s freaking out about tomorrow. she said she never gets used to doing shows, she’s always convinced she’s gonna screw things up, she hates the bolero jackets in carpe diem, her hair gets stuck in her mike, what if those asymmetrical skintight white 80s jeans in the third section split up the back just like Jessica Simpson’s did that one time in New York and that other time in Albany and everyone sees my ass, what if everyone’s right and i really CAN’T sing, etc. etc.
she went on for like 30 minutes.
I was like damn! she gets stage fright! and I realized that whatever pressure I’m feeling, she probably feels even more. I felt for her. if I were her I would have needed a best friend right about then. so I went into best-friend mode. actually I went into coach mode. I was like girl you can *DO* this. you’ve been working so hard. dude you know this stuff! and not only that you told me yourself that once you get onstage in front of an audience you turn it up ten times higher and you always surprise yourself. you are gonna kill it tomorrow night!
thanks, she said. But you don’t know what it’s really like.
I go maybe I don’t know what it’s like to be the star, but this is my first big show ever, and I happen to be TERRIFIED. so I kinda DO know what it’s like.
she goes “you? why would you be scared? you have it easy! you know what you’re doing! you’re way more talented than I am! you’re a total natural! trust me, don’t worry about it being your first show ever. you are the least likely of anyone to fuck it up, believe me! I’m not kidding. I know things like this. besides no one’s coming to see you anyway. no one really cares about you. they’re coming to see me. paying to see me. it’s a lot of pressure.”
I heard myself saying “you won’t fuck up” but I was really thinking, urn, was that supposed to be a compliment? and why are we talking about you again? but I just kept breathing and smiling at her.
then she goes “oh I almost forgot do you want anything on the rider contract?” I was like what’s the rider contract. and she goes it spells out what we get backstage, like food and stuff. Then she handed me this paper. here’s some of it. I had to read it over like two or three times before I really started to understand how ill it really is. check it out.
It’s Darcy!!
The Darcy Barnes World Tour 2003
Technical Rider Contract
Item 7
Furniture and Settings for Darcy Hangout Room (not to be confused with Darcy Dressing Room) (1-2 people)
Three six-foot couches, two easy chairs, odor-free carpeted floor, large coffee table, two floor lamps, six folding chairs, cushioned. Please dress room up to make it feel like “home.” (We encourage you to refer to Darcy’s 2002 Christmas special, “Down the Chimney with Darcy,” filmed at her childhood home in East Texas. Available on VHS from the Darcy Live! website.) Large TV with digital television service including all premium channels. Playstation 2 with several late-release games (to be approved by Jesse Nixon). One UNLISTED out-going telephone line. Any incoming calls will result in a $40,000 fine payable in cash by the promoter.
Item 8
Furniture and Settings for Darcy Dressing Room (3 people) (not to be confused with Darcy Hangout Room)
Eight 12-foot hanging racks for clothes. Eight ironing boards. Eight professional steamers. Four hair and makeup stations with full-spectrum vanity lighting. Six three-way mirror stations. Surround-sound stereo. Fully stocked makeup and hair product cupboards (refer to item 26 for specific products and please feel free to increase, or even double, recommended counts oflipgloss, mascara, and body glitter).
Item 9
Furniture for Band and Dancers Dressing/Hangout Room (16 people)
One six-foot couch, one coffee table, one buffet table, four folding chairs, cushioned or uncushioned. (Note: it doesn’t really matter.)
Item 10
Furniture for Darla Room (1 person)
Queen-size bed. Bidet. Two eight-foot couches. Amberor red-toned lighting. Body-lengthening mirrors (to be approved by Eileen Wang).
Item 11
Catering for Darcy Hangout Room (1-2 people)
24 one-liter bottles fresh spring water (NO bubbles)
1 quart-size Nantucket Nectars cranraspberry
1 case cans Coke.
4 bottles POWERade NOT grape
12 cans Red Bull
hot/cold water tank
3 tins General Foods International Coffees, Suisse mocha
4 boxes Xtra antioxidant green tea
fresh fruit platter
fresh veggie platter
cold bucket of KFC extra crispy. No potato salad or biscuits.
homemade banana bread from promoter. (Darcy’s doing a search for the bestest in the country.)
two boxes Honey Nut Cheerios
large box of Jolly Ranchers, watermelon
1 extra-large bottle of Tums, assorted
appropriate napkins, glasses, utensils, etc.
Item 12
Catering for Band and Dancers Room (16 people)
1 small fruit tray, canned fruits
6 small bottles of spring water
6 small juices
4 cans soda (assorted)
1 small bag of corn chips
instant coffee
I was like wait, darla gets her own room, with a bed? but all sixteen dancers and band members share one couch and one small bag of corn chips?
what’s a body-lengthening mirror and why does Eileen have to approve it?
but I didn’t say anything like that.
she goes, “omigod don’t think you’re going to have to be in the dancers and band room. it sucks in there! no way, you’re totally hanging with me in the Darcy hangout room. I need my best friend there for all the press walk-throughs. it’ll be fun we’ll totally play video games! so anyway do you want me to add anything to this list? like do you have a kind of instant coffee you really like? and can I borrow that Insane Clown Posse t-shirt you’re wearing?
and all I could think was
Great, it’s not like the dancers don’t hate me enough as it is. now I have to hang out with darcy instead of them.
Damn, now I’m never going to get a second to myself to try and relax before the show.
Oh God does this mean Darla’s going to be on my case even harder?
Am I insane? Darcy Barnes wants me to share her hangout room! Like I would ever say no?!
Yeah, I’d like to add a few things to that list. like a plane ticket home.
No, you can’t borrow evan’s ICP tee.
luckily she got a page and was like OOH gotta go! before I could cave in and say anything like “sure you can borrow my t-shirt anytime you want.”
KellyKelSoCal321: hey dude I’m wearing your ICP t-shirt.
SlipKnotRules933111: you took that?
KellyKelSoCal321: yeah oops sorry but I really like it.
SlipKnotRules933111: good luck tomorrow night.
SlipKnotRules933111: hello?