by Tucker Shaw
When I’m all over you
Ain’t nothing you can do
Just keep on doin’ what you do (Do it!)
Cause the view
From the top
Makes me pop
(Oooh yeah)
When I’m on top boy
You bring me so much joy
It makes me want to scream
Makes everything a dream
Cause the view
From the top
Makes me pop
(Oooh yeah)
[Bridge]
Don’t try to hide
Just come inside
Baby you know you got it like that
Cause the view
From the top
Makes me pop
(Oooh yeah)
Cause the view
From the top
Makes me pop
(Oooh yeah)
(Repeat three times to fadeout)
I was like EW. I cannot believe he just dedicated that song to me in front of the whole planet.
SUNDAY JUNE 23
GRANDE ALL-SUITES HOTEL
KANSAS CITY, 2:01 PM
Fortune: Who do you think you are?
To: kaykay4real
From: Tito_T
Date: Sunday June 23
Time: 1:11 AM
Subject: You’re (in) famous
What’s THIS about?? I found it online.
BAD NEWS AGAIN, GIRLS
Seems Darcy “Plucky” Barnes and Jesse “VJ du Jour” Nixon are off again for the moment, but the reason is rather shocking. Seems Jesse’s been swapping spit with one of Darcy’s backup dancers, one K.K. Kimball, a newish dancer straight outta San Diego. (Which is about all we know about her.) But wait, there’s more. Sources say Darcy’s the one who introduced the new duo, and she’s even been quoted as saying she thinks they look “adorable” together. Yep, a local news reporter from St. Louis WWQW-TV caught Darcy on camera gushing over the couple, saying, “Aren’t they just the cutest?” So what gives? We’re wondering if the Darce-meister is clearing the way for a new romance. Or maybe Jesse’s been pressing her to reconsider her virgin status? You know we’ll keep you posted … After all, Jesse Nixon’s relationship status is do-or-die news for us, too!
oh god, this isn’t happening. this can’t be happening. oh god. I wrote back:
To: Tito_T
From: kaykay4real
Date: Sunday June 23
Time: 8:54 am
Subject: over my head!
Tito that’s not even half of it.
KellyKelSoCal321: dude did you hear anything about me online or anything?
SlipKnotRules933111: ???
KellyKelSoCal321: I heard there were some rumors online but they aren’t true
SlipKnotRules933111: ok. I have no clue what you’re talking about but whatever.
KellyKelSoCal321: I’m freaking out.
SlipKnotRules933111: whatever, look I’m freaking too. carl told mom that he’s been seeing that other woman. the twins have met her and everything. but he said he wants to stay to work it out or whatever.
KellyKelSoCal321: how do you know
SlipKnotRules933111: they fought about it in the yard last night right outside my window
KellyKelSoCal321: oh man, what did she say
SlipKnotRules933111: nothing she just went to bed
KellyKelSoCal321: is she losing it?
SlipKnotRules933111: I don’t know I haven’t seen her.
KellyKelSoCal321: where’s carl now?
SlipKnotRules933111: I don’t know he’s not here though.
KellyKelSoCal321: are the girls there?
SlipKnotRules933111: I don’t think so.
KellyKelSoCal321: you don’t think it’s just another one of their spats or whatever
SlipKnotRules933111: I don’t think so. hey did you watch When Good Cops Go Bad last night?
SUNDAY JUNE 23
DARCY’S BUS
ON THE WAY TO DES MOINES, 9:18 PM
Outfit: It’s Darcy!! tour jacket, track pants, slip-on sneakers.
Mood: incredulous. (I looked it up.)
I can’t sleep, so I’m writing. I’m trying to stay as cool as I can, but I’m definitely freaked out about everything. I mean can you blame me? the sucky part is I don’t feel like there’s anyone here I can really talk to about everything. I mean I can talk to rashid about some stuff and darcy about some stuff and even like eileen about some stuff but there’s no one I can put it all together with. I miss tito.
after managing to keep my head down all day, darcy finally cornered me, dragging me onto her bus for the overnight haul to Des Moines. We were sitting in front of the flat screen eating contraband chocolate when darcy hit the mute button.
How do you like my new bangs? she asked, flipping her freshly cut bangs.
I was like, huh? um, they’re great! I tried to muster a squeal, no luck.
“look,” she goes. “I know you’re bugging about this whole thing with you and jesse and the press and everything, but don’t worry. believe me I know it’ll all blow over and in a few weeks pretty much no one will remember you. I promise. they’ll be like ‘Kelly who?’ Oh, uh, um, well that didn’t sound right but you know what I’m trying to say.”
I was like I guess so. I mean she’s been through this kinda stuff a lot, right? so she would know, right? she goes, “it’s like that time when I was banned in Singapore or wherever it was because they said I was a bad influence. you just gotta let people talk about you for a while and ignore it. it’s the only way.” I was like, well, not really, but ok.
I was also like well yeah this “whole jesse thing” is bugging me out, but there’s a lot more that’s bugging me out, too. but you wouldn’t know. It’s stuff you wouldn’t understand. and I don’t really want to talk about it, so I won’t.
she goes, like what?
and I go, nothing. seriously.
and she goes, you mean you’re bugging about me and jesse and what our deal is?
and I go, no, not really.
so darcy pulls this picture out of her bra and hands it to me. it’s her and jesse, arm in arm. “ok first of all I have a little eensy secret. remember how I was saying that I had a boyfriend that one night? well, um, it’s Jesse Nixon. we’ve been going out for a while.”
my first thought was, no kidding. I’m surprised you can walk after last night’s bus ride! but I didn’t say it out loud. I forced myself to giggle. she goes, “What?” and I was like, “nothing.” and she goes, “what, did you guess?”
and I was like, “believe it or not, I wasn’t sure.” I was kind of lying but something told me it was ok in this case. “I mean I heard it but I didn’t buy it. but I think it’s totally cool. it’s true you guys really are perfect together. perfect. just look at you.” I pointed to the picture. I didn’t really believe they were perfect together now that I’d actually been introduced to Jesse Nixon, but I knew she’d want to hear it.
and she goes, “yeah we are, aren’t we? he is sooo cute! we are the cutest! but it totally sucks because it’s really important for our careers that we both stay single, you know. like how would all those screaming girls feel if he was off the market and I was the one who took him off it? they’d hate us both, especially me.”
so instead they’ll just hate ME, now that I’M supposedly the one who snagged him, I was thinking.
“so here’s what I’m thinking. you can be his ‘official’ girlfriend, or someone he’s dating or something, and that’ll explain why he’s around all the time. it’ll totally make you famous and the press will ignore him and me. plus to make it even more clear, I’ll just act like I’m totally head-over-heels-in-love crushing on Rashid, but he’s just a little too old for me plus he’s on the payroll. hello, I don’t date dancers like that Pashmina does. no. anyway, jesse and I will get to stay together and the best part is, my number-one crush/boyfriend-on-reserve stays off the market. ha ha. just in case I need a backup. don’t you love it? isn’
t it like perfect?”
actually, I was thinking, not REALLY. It made me feel like her puppet or something. but what was I going to do? say no?
I think she could tell I was annoyed.
“what do you think?” she asked. “what’s wrong?”
I go, “I don’t know, Darcy. this is kind of a lot to think about. it kind of puts me in a weird position. I mean I don’t know …” she goes, I know, k.k., this is all crazy for me, too. I never know if I’m making the right decisions. ugh. I don’t know. sometimes I think I’m just crazy. am I crazy?
she looked so young right then. no, I said. I don’t, you’re in a difficult situation. and now so am I. And then I groaned.
She grinned at me and I have to say it was kinda cute. it made me feel like protecting her.
ok, what if I also make you official lead dancer of the company? she said. You can be listed first on the programs and everything but you won’t have to deal with any REAL responsibilities.
really? I didn’t even know there was such a position. “no that’s cool darcy, I don’t want to take anyone’s position away” and she goes, “no, I just made the position up! I can do that! I’ll make eileen announce it to the press this week. what do you say?”
what could I say? I couldn’t just say no. tito would kill me if I did that. so I just gave a little squeal. she goes “cool! then it’s settled! hey want to watch The Little Mermaid? I have the DVD!”
then she goes, “and by the way, the part about me being a virgin? That part’s totally true. jesse and I have never …”
TUESDAY JUNE 25
CHICAGO, 10:05 PM
Outfit: army tee, pink hanes her way panties.
Mood: Feeling like I’m on TV all the time … everything seems so fake. Or maybe it’s me?
Jesse showed up again tonight. it’s so weird how he just pops up every now and then. it’s like, don’t you have a job?
the sucky part about it is whenever he shows up I have to be his girlfriend. remember? yeah, I’m his official girlfriend. that means darcy and I have to get a big suite with at least two bedrooms so he can sneak from my room to hers. funny how he always manages to flash me before he leaves “our” room. I’ve seen front and back at least three times by now. it’s annoying. he’s one horny dude. I wonder how darcy can keep up. anyway lately I’ve been locking him out after he leaves.
But the situation is totally worth it. I mean, hi, we always get the best room in the hotel. And there’s really no lack of privacy for me. It’s a pretty sweet deal. Also she pays for all the phone charges so I’m able to call tito and evan and everyone.
tonight darcy had to do a little “behind the scenes” interview for MTV Asia, so jesse came with me when I went back to the suite. after I let us in, I just pointed toward the door to darcy’s bedroom and was like “that’s darcy’s room. I’m raiding the minibar and crashing out. good night dude.”
and he comes up to me, puts his arms around my waist, and goes, “hey is that any way to treat your official boyfriend?”
I just fake-laughed and squirmed out of his arms. he grabbed me again. “come on. you gotta feel the spark too, k.k. you’re fine, I’m fine, we’re fine. we should do what fine people do!”
he started slow dancing, singing “I wanna rock with you … all night” like Michael Jackson. I go, “dude, never, no way, you’re darcy’s boyfriend, and besides … here’s a tip from the real world: that song will kill a girl’s mood every time. you gotta get better material.”
freak. It’s amazing to me how someone I’ve obsessed about for so long, someone who occupied my daydreams for so long, could be so totally unattractive as he is right now. It’s like he’s got this thing where he thinks everyone wants him … like all he has to do is wink at you and you’ll melt.
I pushed his hands down and off me and went about my business. he just sat there all hurt. “come on baby, don’t break my heart like that.” I said, “give it a rest man. your girlfriend’s on her way back here! and that puppy dog thing you guys do never, ever works on me.”
he goes, “damn” and grabs the remote. He sat on the couch and proceeded to ignore me, which was fine.
there was nothing in the minibar so I just decided to get in bed. I shut the door to my room and grabbed my laptop.
TUESDAY JUNE 25
CHICAGO, 11:03 PM
Mood: I feel like I did something dirty even though I didn’t.
Hair: I just smelled it. I need to wash it.
ok ew I’m officially nauseous. I have made myself sick.
I fell asleep before I really got to writing before, but I got woken up when I heard darcy come back to the suite. I could smell pot, I guess it had come in under the door.
right away jesse was like, “where the hell have you been? I’ve been waiting for like two hours” and darcy was like, “what are you talking about? I just did my interview and came straight here! and it looks like you’re having an OK time without me, stoner!”
and he was like, “damn I can’t believe you made me wait so long!”
neither of them said anything for a few minutes, then I could make out muffled voices.
I heard them go into darcy’s bedroom and close the door. I heard the lock go, too.
then I got really dawson’s creek about the whole thing. I actually put my ear up against the wall and listened. her bed was pushed right up against the wall, I guess, cause I could hear a lot. now I don’t want to make this an x-rated diary or anything but let’s just say I heard jesse nixon and darcy barnes make out, get stoned, and engage in, what do they call it in junior high?
oh yeah, heavy petting.
I didn’t pull my ear away until I heard jesse say, “are you done baby? hold on. lemme go get a towel.”
I’m going to need lifelong therapy.
TUESDAY JULY 2
INDIANAPOLIS (I think), 3:05 PM
Outfit: I tried to board the bus in just my tank top but Darla glared at me so I put on my tour jacket. I was sweating all day
Hair: Never better. Shaundree touched up my roots.
Sorry I haven’t written in so long. I guess you could say I’ve been having the time of my life. Six shows a week, but lots of time to just hang out too. Mostly with darcy, but also rashid, who’s gone from my crush to my friend and poker pal. He calls me the shark. I can thank my dad for that one—he taught me all I know about fivecard stud.
I swear every town we get to has more screaming fans than the last one. and what’s really tragic is the deeper we get into summer, the hotter it gets, the less people in the audience are wearing. and here’s a rule that everyone should have to learn: just because your pop idol looks cute in a sports bra and track pants doesn’t mean that you do. and all those ill signs: “Lipstick Me” “Virgin and Proud” and “Darcy It’s My Birthday!” and the scariest: “Moms United for Darla and Darcy.” today someone even came up to darcy and goes “I named my baby after you will you bless her?” and darcy goes “I don’t think I’m allowed to do that.”
ooh evan just signed on.
KellyKelSoCal321: do you get any summer vacation at all?
SlipKnotRules933111: yeah next week mom’s making me go to palm desert to visit Aunt Linda.
KellyKelSoCal321: oh god no.
SlipKnotRules933111: yes. I really don’t want to go to the desert. I really wish she’d just let me stay here
KellyKelSoCal321: no way then you’d be in twin hell
SlipKnotRules933111: I could hide
KellyKelSoCal321: what if I asked her to let you come to Orlando? we’re going there tomorrow to do two shows there then we’ re shooting a new video for “Wax On, Wax Off” then we get two days off so we’ll be there for like two weeks … you could come for practically the whole time.
SlipKnotRules933111: what would I do there
KellyKelSoCal321: I don’t know just hang out. ask mom if you can come here instead. I’ll buy your ticket I know I’m supposed to be saving money or whatever but I can g
et him a plane ticket, maybe I can even use one of the vouchers continental airlines gave us all. they’re helping sponsor the tour or whatever. besides, I’m having a blast. he’d have a blast. he and darcy love each other. he should come up.
MONDAY JULY 8
DARCY’S HOUSE
ORLANDO, 9:30 AM
Outfit: darcy’s t-shirt, darcy’s track pants, darcy’s scrunchie. all my stuff’s in the laundry or something.
Fortune: Follow the signs.
Darcy woke me up this morning by jumping on my bed. well, not really my bed. I’ve been sleeping in darcy’s hot older brother’s bed. don’t worry he’s out of town.
yeah, she has a house down here. you pretty much can’t be a teen pop star without a spread within range of disney world, know what I mean? a couple of the guys from the Backstreet Boys or one of those old boy bands live down the block—a couple of the guys, not a “couple couple,” er, whatever. I’m sure the Lacheys have a spread nearby. maybe Aaron Carter, too. oh and darla has her own place, it was her way of giving darcy and her brother some “space” or her way of giving herself some space, or something.
so we’re down here for a couple of weeks or so to take a break before heading up to New York, where darcy’s agreed to do a pay-per-view show. (of course, that includes yours truly …) it’ll definitely be the biggest show of this tour, and everyone is starting to get pretty revved up about it. I’d rather chill out though, ya know? this is our big chance to relax …
Anyway so yeah darcy started jumping on my bed before I even knew what was up. I go, “What the fuck is going on?” (I can be like that in the morning sometimes … cranky as hell. I think I get it from my mother.) and she goes, “relax! jeez, so cranky! we have to watch the today show! jesse is going to be on!”
and she cranks on the TV. it’s Pashmina singing “Working Girls” with Gwen Stefani, Beyonce, and Foxy Brown. darcy screamed out loud. EW! she covered her mouth with her hand and looked closer. under her breath I heard, “oh, my, god. look at how much makeup she has on!”
she was right. Pashmina looked like a clown. not like the cute kind, but like the scary kind that keep children up at night. and she was wearing panties that showed, well, pretty much everything, hello, camel toe!