by Tucker Shaw
KellyKelSoCal321: thanks for remembering evan. I love you.
now I know I’ll be able to sleep all right. evan does that. one more day till opening night. one more day …
FRIDAY JUNE 21
FIRST SHOW, DARCY HANGOUT ROOM BACKSTAGE
ST. LOUIS, 7:45 PM
Outfit: the first outfit for the opening song, “Love You Like a Lollipop.” it’s like a gas station attendant coverall, which unzips and pulls off. underneath, asymmetrical tech bodysuit with red white and blue sequins.
Hair: orange extensions. they glued them onto me.
Mood: psyched. anxious, terrified, pumped, etc. etc. etc. there’s not really a word for it.
Fortune: In horse racing, the starting line and the finish line are the same line. (HUH?)
To: kaykay4real
From: Tito_T
Date: Friday June 20
Time: 3:14 PM
Subject: You ROCK
Good luck tonight babycakes. You are.totally going to rock. Just let it rip, bring Kelly, and everyone will love you. I’ll be watching MTV news later to see how it went.
Teets
I love tito. ok, ok, ok, ok. ok. ok. no problem. ok. um, one hour until the show.
OK!!
I’m totally freaking out. ok no problem.
everyone’s yelling. ok. here’s what’s up.
darcy and i just went to a preshow meet ‘n’ greet with her fans. darcy made me go with her cause she said people like to see her with her dancers. it’s a publicity thing, she explained, so that everyone thinks everyone on the tour is like best friends. then she goes, “but don’t worry you and I really ARE best friends.” how about that.
she had to sit behind a desk for 45 minutes shaking hands and signing autographs and smiling at everyone. it was jammed with fans aged 9-14, moms, random guys probably looking to score, disposable cameras. JAMMED with people. they were sort of forming a line around the edge of the room up to our little desk to meet darcy.
she made me sit next to her. the whole time.
which meant that everyone asked me for my autograph, too. I just figured they were all caught up in the moment or something and bugging OUT that they were meeting her because who the hell would want my autograph?
I signed it different each time, mostly because I’ve never really settled on a signature before. I never really had an “autograph” to give.
while she was signing some kid’s cast, I asked darcy, “why do they want my autograph?” she goes, “dude, don’t ask me. I guess they think you’re famous now.”
I was like wow. I’m like “Almost Famous.”
the average age was like 10, 11 years old. most of them were with their moms. most of them had won some kind of contest at some local radio station. they had to call in 1,000 times or something to win “VIP” access to Darcy. half of these girls were crying hysterically. half of them were like lit up, like they’d eaten too many pop-tarts. it’s so weird. was I ever like that?
I don’t have much time to consider that because I don’t have much time left to live. well ok that’s a little dramatic but I’m seriously a half-hour from going onstage and I’m not sure I’m going to make it through.
I can do this. I can do this. darcy’s in her dressing room and I’m alone in her hangout room, which is a huge change from five minutes ago when this place was CRAWLING with like even more contest winners and entertainment tonight cameras and everyone. oh and also this whole crew of Pashmina fans who snuck in all these “This Is Pashmina’s Palace!” and “At Least Pashmina Can SING” signs and everything. but when they realized darcy wasn’t in here they all bailed on this room. guess I’m not THAT famous yet ha ha.
cool with me. I’ll take any second alone I can get.
everyone’s screaming and running around like wild just outside the door, not in a bad way just in that way that I guess I always pictured from backstage with the backstreet boys specials and stuff. everything seems so urgent and stuff. chaotic. but it’s like here it is the big debut and I should be enjoying it but what if I totally mess up my dive roll or something again? I mean, it happened yesterday. why wouldn’t it happen today?
ok. I’m going to be fine. darla gave us all a peptalk: “ok everyone here we go, let’s all have a great show, everyone looked great out there at dress rehearsal …” then she stared directly at me and said, “but we’ll need as much luck as we can get, no matter how smooth everything is going. so let’s pray for that. remember, no room for screwups. ever.”
then she made us pray. which is cool and all, I mean, I understand the whole praying thing. I just hate it when someone else makes me do it. but whatever. thanks a lot darla. and by the way, fuck off!
ok, ok. ok, um, it’s gonna be awesome. I’m gonna kill it out there. I’ve gotta kill it out there. I can step up. just like dad. Good in a crisis. Remember? ok. um, ok.
Nice ’n Easy just hit the stage. that means we have 20 minutes.
FRIDAY JUNE 21
GRAND HOTEL
ST. LOUIS, 11:25 PM
What can I say? we KILLED IT.
first of all, I have never seen that many people all in the same place at the same time before. well maybe I have but it was really scary. our dressing room had a window out into the parking lot, and there was seriously a traffic jam as far as you could see, winding away from the stadium. the parking lot was filling up section by section and streams of people were forming these thick lines leading out from the stadium deep into the lot.
anyway, it was 10 minutes to eight before I knew it. I could hear what’s-her-name from Nice ’n Easy going into her mike, “Thank you so much! Thank you! Remember girls, be Nice! Be Easy! Be Nice ’n Easy!” and the crowd kind of clapped and “woo-hoooed” a little bit.
fifteen minutes later, we all took our places offstage for the big open.
here’s how it works. the stage is pretty much bare except for a set of stairs leading up to a platform. there’s a curtain, like gauzy and white, covering the platform, which is dark. us girl backup dancers are offstage to one end, the guys are on the other end. darcy’s behind the curtain in the middle of the stage but no one can see her. this really deep voice like darth vader or whoever that guy is who goes “This is CNN” comes over the loudspeaker: “ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourself for a journey to a special place, to a world where a boy can be a boy and a girl can be a girl. a place where music is the true language of love. ladies and gentlemen …” how idiotic is THAT? ha I kinda love it. anyway as he’s saying that, this light comes up behind darcy and projects her shadow against the curtain making her look like 40 feet tall. she’s got this pimp fedora hat on and a suit with a really big lapel and huge shoulder pads. it’s kinda like Michael Jackson meets Carmen Electra only it’s a 40-foot-tall shadow. anyway right then the voice goes, “ladies and gentlemen …” again, and darcy leans into a standing mike that is also a 40-foot-tall shadow and whispers, “It’s Darcy.” and all of a sudden this mad crazy mix of “Love You Like a Lollipop” comes on and she tosses her hat off and her hair starts flying and the crowd starts screaming almost like they’re in a panic and we all come rushing out and start serving it up down in front of the stairway. (I also have to say that little “It’s Darcy” bit is one of the only things that actually comes out of her mouth for most of the show. ok that’s an exaggeration but not much. but to be fair, she’s copped to it already. she’s said publicly she sings every note except on songs where she’s dancing around. guess what, there’s only like one song where she’s not dancing around. but I’m getting off track.)
so for the next 78 minutes we hit it HARD pretty much nonstop, no intermission. from “Love You Like a Lollipop” straight through “Keep It Poppin’” and “Carpe Diem (Seize Me)” and on and on.
There are five costume changes.
“Japanese Schoolgirl on Ecstasy.” Thigh-high tights, teeny minikilts in electric-pink-and-blue plaid, white panties with hello kitty faces, knit hoodie boleros in gold, pigtails, chunky sneakers.
“Motorcycle.” jeans, leather chaps, faux tattoo sleeves that make your arms look all tattooed, wifebeaters, heavy boots, slicked-back hair.
“Good Girl Gone Bad.” 50s knee-length pencil skirts, tight cardigans, bobbed wigs, stilettos. We tear off our sweaters and wigs midway through “Whenever”—you know, that part where the beat goes up. Then we’re in our heels, skirts, and bras.
“Midnight at the Oasis.” gauzy Arabian pants, sandals, jewels in our navels, hair flying, veils. we looked like belly dancers. this was my favorite look for sure. it covered my ass ha ha plus you don’t have to smile all the time when you’ve got that veil on. what a relief.
“Really Real.” matching-but-not hip-hop gear. baggy denims, baseball caps, team jerseys (we usually wear jerseys for whatever baseball or basketball team plays for the city we’re in. never football. wonder why …).
We totally hit every routine perfectly, there were no screwups at ALL. the crowd was SO into it … they were screaming so loud for so long that it was really hard to hear the music sometimes, even though I was wearing those little earphones that pop stars are always fiddling with (which basically just plays the same mix that’s being piped through the stadium’s sound system). I did the dive roll move in “Whenever” with no problems. I pulled off every single transition easily. the only hangup was when my bra strap on my third outfit (the one for “Plucky”) totally shredded backstage but luckily shaundree lent me hers at the last second. no one noticed.
I’m not sure if I ever really got THERE during the show, but I’m definitely sure I got pretty close a couple of times. I guess there was just too much going on for me to really let myself go.
but the exhilaration I got from the crowd was out of control. even though I knew the applause wasn’t for me, specifically, it thrilled me. I was walking on air from the first beat and didn’t stop until we’d finished both of our encores.
I finally got the hi fives I’d been looking for for weeks, from the Tinas, D-Run, and everyone else. we pulled it off, and we all knew it. I almost felt like I belonged. almost.
I headed back to darcy’s hangout room and collapsed on the couch (she told me to go back there and she’d meet me in a few). I was exhilarated.
I was there only like two seconds when up on the closed-circuit tv (which had a live stream from the main stage) I saw Darcy come back onstage.
“Hold up everyone! Lordy what a show!” she yelled into the mike. “Don’t leave yet! We’ve got one more song to sing, if y’all don’t mind! Whattya think?” of course the whole place was like WOOOOOOH! I was like omiGOD am I supposed to be down there? did I forget a whole number that we’re supposed to do?
or was this a real, bona fide encore?
then darcy goes, “Mama?” and omigod, darla walks out from backstage, carrying a MICROPHONE! I sank back into the couch, riveted and in semi-shock. darcy goes, “this is my beautiful mama, and we’ve got a new song we’d like to share with y’all.” darla and darcy sat down on stools, facing each other. then the guitarist (his name is rob but everyone calls him Throb) came out and sat on a stool behind them. and he started playing, acoustic, the sappiest, most R. Kelly-ish melody I’ve ever heard in my life.
Mama Knows Best
(© 2003 Darla Barnes, Darcy Barnes)
Darcy:
Mama don’t you know
Doesn’t matter how much I grow
Mama you always know best
Mama I may be
A woman now, just look at me
But Mama you still know best
Chorus
Mama knows best when I’m lonely
Mama knows best when I’m blue
Mama knows best cause I’m still her baby
Mama knows what’s best for you
Mama knows best, oh yes, Mama knows best
Darla:
Baby, don’t you know
No matter how far you go
Mama always knows best
There may come a day, someday
When you say Mama go away
But even then, Mama knows best
Chorus
Both:
Don’t ever forget that I’m yo’ mama
Nothing can tear us apart, no mama
Do everything your mama says
Forever, forever, for-EVVVVVVVVVVVER, Mama!
Chorus
(improvise to fadeout)
I’m totally going to vom.
as soon as the song ended, the stadium erupted. I guess all the moms there (which made up a good 25% of the audience, I mean, I guess they figured they couldn’t let their third graders attend alone ha ha) really liked it. no duh, right? I mean, it’s all about ignoring your own mind and just doing what your mother says.
and those kids scream at anything darcy says.
I was grossed out but only momentarily. I had a lot to think about. I mean, hello, it was my first show! and I didn’t screw up! I pretty much rule!
anyway darcy came crashing into her hangout room right after the show. I figured I’d start squealing, just like that night in front of The Wizard of Oz, so I did.
I jumped up yelling, “awesome awesome you were amazing! we did it!” I went over to give her a hug.
and she practically pushed me off her. all snappy, “dude we JUST started. don’t you get it? we have 60 more of these shows to go. you seriously need to grow up. let’s get back to the hotel. I gotta crash.”
and I go, “well that last song was really beautiful” and she goes, “you think that was MY idea? no way. that song is going to kill this show. god, k.k. can’t you shut up for one minute? fuck!”
so I did. I shut up. she was cussing. I knew something was wrong. Ugh Darcy Barnes sometimes you suck. I was just sitting there thinking man, can’t I celebrate for like a minute? didn’t I have a friend who looks just like you a few minutes ago? I just made it through my first stadium show ever and I didn’t blow it. in fact I killed it! I even congratulated YOU. and I’m the one who needs to grow up?
I wish I’d had the guts to say it all out loud but we went all the way back to the hotel in silence. I realized I was starting to count on her to be my friend, whether our friendship was just a publicity stunt or not.
thank god for tito, at least HE had some love for me.
To: kaykay4real
From: Tito_T
Date: Friday June 20
Time: 10:14 PM
Subject: Killer
Who killed it? You killed it!
Tee toe
PS-Are you at all responsible for this.“Mama Knows Best” fiasco?
I guess he’d heard about it on MTV news—they were there covering the show. Apparently they referred to it as the low point. anyway he also paged me like fourteen times:
U ROK! WORSHIP U! >3>3>3
andKELS DA MAN!!!
andMISS U DIVA
andT-To LUVS U
etc. etc. etc.
he rules.
SATURDAY JUNE 22
GRANDE ALL-SUITES HOTEL
KANSAS CITY, 11:36 PM
Outfit: terry robe.
Hair: sweaty and disgusting. I gotta take a bath.
Fortune: The road is shorter than you think.
tonight’s show was even better than last night’s but that is SO beside the point. The real news is that after the show, I was leaving the stadium with darcy and jesse and rashid. rashid was telling us this story about how darla fired latrell the makeup artist after the show tonight because she thought he had said something rude about her skin tone and now eileen was going to have to find someone by, like, tomorrow when the show was going to be in another city and what if they sucked and blah blah blah. anyway on our way out the back door to the car that was waiting to take us back to the hotel there was this one news guy with a camera pointed straight at us. and then this reporter pops out from behind him and sticks a mike into darcy’s face and goes, “So, how long have you and Jesse Nixon been an item!”
we all stood there staring at t
his guy for a second and before I knew what was happening darcy just goes, “We are NOT an item! Lordy! We are just really great friends. I am so sure! right Jesse?” and he was like “yeah” then she grabs my shoulder and pushes me in front of her over next to jesse and goes, “Jesse is so not my boyfriend. He’s dating my very bestest ever friend K.K. here! Oh my Lordy! Aren’t they just the cutest? Awww. Now can you leave us all alone?”
the reporter and camera dude kind of shrank back into the shadows.
Then she broke out her cell phone. “Hey, Eileen? How were the revenues tonight? What are our totals?”
I was like, wait, what? I’m dating WHO??
I looked over at Jesse, who just licked his lips and smiled at me. I realized that my fantasy was coming true: I was finally dating Jesse Nixon, just as I’d dreamed of a million times before and it was precisely NOT what I wanted. he took the opportunity to put his arm around my waist. ugh.
darcy made me ride on her bus last night all the way to Kansas City. she said she wanted to hang out with jesse and k.k., her two best friends, but it soon became pretty clear that I was her cover … she wanted to be with jesse, and I was just around to keep people from asking questions.
I got no sleep and I pretty much confirmed in every way but visually that jesse and darcy are way, WAY more than friends. her little cabin on the bus has a door, and it closes. she and jesse were behind it all night.
I’m no expert and I’m sure I could be wrong but, well, let’s just say I heard things. if I didn’t know better I’d say there’s no way that anyone in that cabin was a virgin. But she says she’s a virgin so that’s pretty much that.
Oh man, I need tito. this is all way too ill for one person.
SATURDAY JUNE 22
GRANDE ALL-SUITES HOTEL
KANSAS CITY, 11:55 PM
I’m nauseous. I was just watching jesse on a “total dedication show.” he closed by saying he’d like to do his own dedication. and he introduced Darcy’s new single by saying “this one’s for you, K.K.” here’s the song.
View from the Top
(© 2003 Darcy Barnes Music)
Boy you know it’s true