Confessions of a Backup Dancer

by Tucker Shaw

  Bernie nudged me toward the table to join the other dancers behind Pashmina.

  just then Pashmina leaned forward, looked down at the table, and whispered something superquietly.

  no one heard her so everyone was like shh! SHH! SHHHH! what did she say? and it got SILENT in there and everyone leaned in and she said it again, superquietly.

  “I open or I don’t sing.”

  a moment of silence, then the place erupted. Panic. eileen wang was pacing like a maniac, going a mile a minute “we can work this out … we can work this out … we can work this out … ok … nobody panic, nobody panic.” several of the men in black started shouting into their cells. the soprano wannabes were just shaking their heads and feeling the insides of their jackets. darla let out this groan, really really deep, like, “aauuuuugh!” darcy just smiled.

  this man in black leaned in and whispered something into her ear. she goes, “really!” and he goes, yeah, and whispered something else and then she whispered back, “you’re right.” she goes, “thanks so much!” and looked up at me. like, directly into my eyes.

  everyone followed her gaze, all eyes on me now.

  you know what? goes Darcy to Pashmina but still looking at me, Fine. you can open with one condition. I want only one thing. I want Kimball. I want her off your tour and back on mine.

  I’m gagging, but I’m silent. Inside, I’m like WHAT? but outside, I’m shrinking into myself, smaller and smaller.

  everyone else in the room was like Kimball, Kimball? who’s Kimball? why do I know that name? Kimball, Kimball … what is it? who is it?

  Pashmina leans in again, everyone shuts up again.

  that’s it? that’s all you want? just k.k.? that’s it? Fine, whatever. she’s yours. AFTER she does my opener.

  I was thinking what do you mean “that’s it?” what do you mean “whatever”? don’t you want me to stay?

  then I realized EVERYONE IN THE PLACE suddenly knew what “Kimball” meant and they were all looking at me again. I soooo wanted to disappear right then. my whole strategy for this show, to stay low and tight and outta sight, was toast.

  then I heard darla NO! NO! darcy! under no circumstances! listen to me. this is your mama speaking! I won’t hear of it! I won’t have that girl in our company. she started walking toward darcy, all, I won’t have it is that clear? are you listening to your mama?

  darla was striding confidently, strong, stroking that freakin’ bug-eyed dog of hers punkin the Pekinese. “no this will not happen. darcy I need to see you alone please. NOW.” she walked right up to darcy, reaching out like she was going to take darcy by the elbow and lead her out. “Stand up, darcy.”

  darcy stood up, but instead of locking arms with darla, she threw up her hand in front of darla like a roadblock, barking “forget it.” but darcy never took her eyes off me. she was boring into me. it was cool she was ignoring her mother and controlling her mother and keeping focused on me all at the same time. but it was a little scary, too.

  darla, LOOK-enhanced darla, darted her eyes from darcy to me and back again.

  darcy goes, “K.K.?” I just stared back. still staring. staring back and forth not blinking. It was like when evan and I were in the backseat and dad would offer ten cents to whoever won a staring contest between us two just to keep us quiet but he always won because I was never really good at it. but this time I did ok, no blinks. I didn’t answer her, I just stared. darcy goes, “then it’s settled. I’ll expect you in my dressing room immediately after Pashmina’s opening number. immediately. lordy we’ll need to completely redo your hair and makeup.”

  and I was kinda terrified and overwhelmed and I really didn’t know what the hell was going on but something about the way darcy was talking to me was like, I just went “ok” and then she gave me this teeny little smile but I recognized it and all of a sudden I was psyched.

  I looked over at darla and saw that the LOOK had started to … um how can I put it …. jiggle. fast. not like how it would jiggle if she were sobbing or giggling, more like somewhere in between having had too much caffeine and trying to chew gum really really fast so you chew the sugar out so you can blow bubbles faster than whoever you’re racing. also she was stroking Punkin the Pekinese really fast. his buggy eyes kept squinting up with each stroke as she pulled his skin up over his eyes from underneath. it was kinda gross. anyway so darla was jiggling. and with each jiggle the LOOK started to come apart.

  “NO!” she hissed. “Darcy! No!”

  she was just jiggling away and pixilating out, and it felt like it started to happen in slow motion or something because I started having the feeling that I had been standing there watching the LOOK turn to something that normally holds suspended fruit. it was not as much like the wicked witch melting thing in the Wizard of Oz as it seems. which was too bad considering what a nice tie-in that would have been. it was more like a staticky VHS recording.

  darla took two paces back, struggling now to maintain even just a little bit of the LOOK.

  “darcy?” she seethed, eyes now shifting to the back of darcy’s hair.

  “guys?” commanded darcy, motioning for a couple of men in black to go stand next to darla. not to like escort her out or anything more like to support her if she tipped over. but also maybe to stand in between her and darcy, you know, just in case anyone started swinging.

  oh god imagine that.

  anyway she and Pashmina stood up at the same time, spun around, and led their troops offstage. I just stood there for a second, watching darcy walk out.

  darla reached out and grabbed darcy’s arm saying don’t do this baby trust mama. darcy just brushed off darla’s arm (knocking Punkin the Pekinese on the head while she was at it, I was happy to notice, sorry PETA) and kept walking.

  Just then, I noticed rashid again. he gave me one of his winks, and suddenly everything made sense.

  FRIDAY AUGUST 30

  STILL AT THE GARDEN, AROUND 8:15 PM

  Outfit: Back in an “It’s Darcyu” tour jacket. Darcy gave me a new one since I threw the last one away.

  Hair: My hair needs a SERIOUS break. it’s been the longest summer of its life.

  Fortune: Fame is addictive.

  after the Pashmina performance (in which she first sang “Girls Want lt, Pt. 2” and then did a duet of “Over the Rainbow” with The Dixie Chicks, oh yeah and the lighting was really messed up and she kept having to chase the spotlight …) heard she was rude to the crew or something …) anyway after that I busted into Darcy’s dressing room. she goes oh lordy you still have Pashmina makeup on. ew. shaundree, can you start on her like that or should she wash it off?

  shaundree was like Oh. My. God. and handed me a towel. Go wash that off.

  I was like hold up a second. Darcy. what’s the deal? I mean I was psyched to see her and all but I needed to know what was going on. and why.

  and she says, Please, you don’t belong with Pashmina. Lordy please wash your face we don’t have much time. here’s a headband. look, I saw your performance just now. I even saw you at that Teen Queen of the Universe pageant or whatever that was. are you aware how you look in those outfits?

  shaundree goes, There’s a mild alpha hydroxy scrub there next to you … use that. everyone in the room was focused on my face right now … on getting Pashmina off it and Darcy back on it.

  darcy kept on, I mean seriously K.K.! That show, those outfits, that music it’s not you. that is not the real K.K.

  I was like, Oh and you know who the real K.K. is? cause I don’t! I mean c’mon, K.K. isn’t even my name! this whole life is fake! and you can’t just trade me like a football player it’s not cool!! I’m a person what about what I want? hand me that towel.

  and she handed me a towel and was like, What are you talking about REAL? what do you mean this whole life is fake? what, you’re going to tell me that your summer hasn’t been real? this summer that you know as well as I do changed your life? news flash, but your REALITY this summer was this: dancing
, performing, living kinda large. and don’t get me wrong but I think you pretty much enjoyed it, didn’t you? I mean, I know it was different before and I know it’ll be different again but it wasn’t any realer then. and it never will be any realer later. this is what you’re doing now, that makes it real. take off your bra. here’s a robe. oh god your brows are like GONE! Lordy! what happened to your brows? I felt like a mannequin, and not in a good way. here I was shedding one pop star’s image for another pop star’s image and wondering where in all this chaos my own image was.

  I was like, Look I’m always going for realness in my performances and realness in my life but I haven’t seen anything REAL this whole summer! not on your tour, not on hers! everything is just a big illusion!

  and she goes, You don’t get it do you? look, maybe I never really graduated high school, but I happen to know that REAL isn’t something you can try to be. it’s not something you chase. realness is not something out there. it’s right here. what’s real is what’s now, where you are and what you’re doing, now, today, whether you’re being yourself or not. you don’t get to choose what’s real and what isn’t. it all is. are you just biding your time waiting for something REAL? waiting for your REAL life to start? lordy k.k. you need to wake up. your life is happening right here. right now.

  I just stared into the mirror. For what seemed like a really long time. Right here, right now.

  I was like wow going on oprah really can change you ha ha.

  she goes ok you look ok. here k.k. here’s an altoid.

  I go what about Darla.

  and Darcy goes, in this air traffic controller voice, “Darla has left the building!” I was like huh? and darcy goes, Yeah darla is seriously on my nerves. she and I had it out while you were doing that dopey “Girls Want It” song. I mean she’s my mom and all but she’s seriously crowding my personal space these days. you know what I mean? I mean, doesn’t every teenage girl like DREAM of getting away from their mother, and here, look, I CAN!

  oh my lordy look how cute your hair looks shaundree you’re a goddess! anyway whatever I love her sorry god she’s my mother but I’m not 12 years old anymore. I built her that big huge house with the guitar-shaped pool in east texas, I told her she needs to hang out there more. look here’s your outfit.

  darcy held out a couple of hangers and got all fashion television for a second describing it like she was some designer backstage at their show or something. “Rainbow tube top and yellow lowrider bellbottoms with a front slit and rainbow piping. whattya think?”

  I was just like, Um looks great. I’d never seen darcy talk like this before. she was making sense.

  she kept going. Anyway darla wasn’t happy and she called me ungrateful she probably thinks my brain has been taken over by alien Swedish record producers or something but you know what one thing I know about my mom is when she gets into a tizzy you just gotta let her rip until it runs out. then she’ll put her spin on it or whatever and say it was her decision and find another tizzy. shoot we don’t have time to do your nails do we? look mine are glittery. oh well. anyway she’ll chill out when she gets down there. besides it’s not like I won’t keep her on the payroll. I figure she can look after the construction of my museum. can you believe she wanted to go on Howard stern tonight while I was performing here?

  I was like museum? Museum?

  then I was like, Dude you called her darla instead of mama.

  and she goes, Yeah it’s the new us. it’s more real don’t you think.

  I go, I’m just happy to never have to see that freakin’ dog again. we both cracked up.

  I was like I like the new us. then she looks in the mirror and starts flicking her bangs and goes, “do you think my hair looks better than gwyneth’s?”

  I just go, “dude you have something in your teeth” and she goes “no WAY has it been there this whole time I hate you!”

  I handed her some floss and I was like c’mon let’s go. we walked over toward the stage.

  where are the other dancers? what song are we doing anyway? I asked. she goes, just you and me k.k. we’re doing “be with me, reality.”

  I panicked. What? We’ve never rehearsed it! she goes I’m melody, you’re harmony, just sing. you really can, you know. besides, too late. we go on in one min.

  I started breathing heavy.

  we walked past gwen stefani, beyonce, and gloria estefan on the way to the stage, but I barely even noticed.

  FRIDAY AUGUST 30

  GARDEN, 10:15 PM

  I didn’t have time to think about it. I just sang.

  I thought getting THERE when I was dancing was something, but getting THERE when you’re singing is way more intense. Like, way more. it was big. scary and big.

  in fact I was really proud of myself. As soon as we started to sing it, the song didn’t seem nearly as cheesy as when we first wrote it, for some reason. maybe because when we wrote it, I was being cynical. this time I just gave in and sang it and I felt it.

  “Be with me, reality!”

  it was much catchier, much prettier than I’d remembered it being. I got into it.

  most of the audience was actually quiet for it—and they got quieter as we continued singing. (that NEVER happens at those Divas Alive shows! usually everyone in the audience is like chatting the whole time.) I blew a couple of notes but I played it pretty safe and it worked. I just concentrated on my harmonies, I let darcy take the lead, and we came together and it worked pretty well.

  I knew even evan probably got into it. that is, if he made the show on time.

  I imagined dad was listening too, hopefully proud of me for harmonizing on the spot.

  darcy was happy, I could tell. I decided I really did like her, even if I didn’t understand the first thing about her and even if I could never handle the insanity of being her “best friend” again. she’s as brave as they come.

  anyway, we sang it. we didn’t get a standing ovation or anything … I mean, most of the people at those shows are like record execs and their assistants … but the applause we did get was for US, not just darcy. it felt real.

  Real.

  FRIDAY AUGUST 30

  RIHGA, 11:59 PM

  Outfit: Darcy’s own personal tour jacket. she left it on her chair when she left. like she needs it. I figure she can spare it and I don’t know, I could use the souvenir. I wonder if there’s money in it ha ha. maybe I could eBay it. ha ha just KIDDING! I would never. Ever. (wink)

  Hair: I am so tempted to shave it all off right now. it’s like straw, I’m not kidding. they have tortured it this summer. I need tito bad. this could be his biggest job ever. he’ll like mash a mango in it and infuse Egyptian nile river oil with French lavender or something and make me wear a do-rag for like a weekend or something and it’ll look amazing again.

  Mood: tired. that kind of tired where you blink really slow and the air feels cooler in your lungs than usual.

  I skipped the afterparty to wait for evan to show up backstage after the show. but true to form, he was nowhere to be seen. darcy ran off to meet jesse going, “how long are you in town? just tonight? well page me let’s get together when I’m in cali, ok?” I was like, um, ok. is that it? I guess for her it doesn’t feel like anything’s over.

  I wonder if she’s right.

  finally at like 11:30 the security people were like you have to leave now and I was like damn where’s my bro. I kept checking for a page from him but none came. I decided to just go back to the hotel because I knew he knew where the rihga was … when he asked where I was staying earlier he was like no WAY that’s where Mike Tyson stays I was like really and he goes I think so and he goes I was reading about it online the other day. it’s on 54th St. he is so misunderstood you know. I was like whatever anyway the point is he knows where the riga is.

  at least I was hoping he does.

  so I did my now routine taxicab hail and went back up to the rihga. there, in the lobby, was evan. with tito! tito came racing over to me and go
es, “you KILLED it!” and I was like, shut up! omiGOD! what are you doing here and he goes, you KILLED it! and he wrapped his arms and legs around me like a little kid. I was just like, omigod how MUCH do I LOVE you? when did you GET here? and he goes, girl! what’s up with this hair. we need a Cosmetics Plus, quick!

  I looked over his shoulder and there was mom. no way! tito and evan must have convinced her to come.

  she came up and gave me a hug and goes, “I saw the show tonight. I made sure I was on time. You were beautiful.” she didn’t sob Lifetime Television style, but she had tears dripping off the end of her nose.

  I wiped her nose with the sleeve of darcy’s jacket. Thanks mom. I smiled, can we go home now?

  she goes yeah, we got a lot to do.

  TUCKER SHAW lives in New York City, where he crosses paths with celebrities every time he walks out the door. He also watches what some people think is “too much” TV. But Tucker has still managed to write several award-winning books, including the critically praised love story Flavor of the Week.