Vacancy: A Love Story

by Tracy Ewens

  “Juice of the gods.”

  “No. I keep telling you it’s only my dad and a scary-looking roaster, but I know how you like to deify him.”

  Toro nodded and took another sip.

  “How is the ACM?”

  Matt shook his head. “Maybe you’re part of the reason the ‘Almighty Coffee Man’ is such a pain in my ass.”

  Toro laughed, and he sounded a bit like a god himself. “If he’s still able to give you a hard time, the surgery must have gone well. How’s the hip?”

  “He barely lets me get close enough to find out.”

  Toro’s face grew serious as he pulled on a sweatshirt and poured another cup of coffee. “We should get him in the water.”

  Matt shook his head. “He’ll never come up here until he’s one hundred percent.”

  “We could go to him. My sister runs a health club in the city. She’s a physical therapist.”

  “Thanks for the offer, but he’s not going to work with your sister, and why would we want to put that on her?”

  “Then I’ll work with him. She can supervise, but I’ll be in the water with him. He loves me.” Toro grinned like a favorite child.

  Matt knew he looked dumbfounded, but he was taken aback by the gesture. He was trying to picture his dad holding on to Toro’s arm, which was the size of Matt’s thigh, doing the dog paddle.

  “What kind of stuff would you do with him? I honestly can’t imagine he’ll go.”

  “He needs to get that hip moving or his recovery is going to be twice as long. The water is a miracle worker.”

  “It’s a great idea, but I’m not sure.”

  “I’ll help you get him. We’ll throw him over my shoulder if we have to. Once he gets in, feels the relief, he’ll want to go.”

  “You sure about that? Are you sure you want to be aggravated?”

  “Are you kidding? The man brings me home with his coffee every time I take a sip. Least I can do.” Toro locked up his shop and walked with Matt toward Mitch’s place, which seemed a little busier lately even with the Memorial Day weekend.

  “I’ll talk to my mom and get back with you.”

  “Okay”—Toro hopped in his yellow Jeep—“Don’t wait too long. He needs you.”

  “Me? He needs you.” Matt bumped fists and Toro drove away.

  He needs you. The words floated around in Matt’s head as if he’d never heard them before. His father was a bull: first job when he was fourteen and a climber ever since. He took care of business, his family, and needed no one as far as Matt could tell. He tried to remember a time when his father had asked for help other than chores. Had Matt always helped? He couldn’t remember and in dismissing the question, he thought of Hollis. She hadn’t needed anyone either. What did that say about him? Did he surround himself with people who never asked so he never had to give? Christ, maybe he should ask Hollis for the name of that top-notch shrink.

  Walking toward the coffee shop to get his car, his thoughts again drifted to Toro’s offer and the last time he’d seen his father in the water. He swam in the ocean constantly when Matt was growing up, taught Matt how to swim, and practiced sailing when he was older, but lately his dad had not done much, and maybe that was because he’d been in pain or maybe it was something else. Matt should probably ask; then he wondered why he hadn’t. Waiting as two slow-moving cars from out of town passed before he crossed to the shop parking lot, he turned back to look at the bay.

  The lights from Mitchell’s Cove cut iridescent through the growing darkness, and the moon was a sliver overhead. His eyes found the pier. He had likely looked to that pier hundreds of times in the last dozen years, hoping for something, a flashlight beam, her, but he had never seen anything. Until now. Hollis was lying back on the pier, legs dangling with nothing and no one but the night sky and the dim glow coming off the cabins. For a minute, he thought he’d conjured her up, but her foot splashed the water and he knew she was real. His breath caught, and his heart, which had remained fairly quiet until about six weeks ago, begged to be heard.

  Christ, she’s still here? What happened to her, and what does she need? If he told the whole mess to Toro, would his friend argue that Hollis needed him too? He sure hoped not because he hadn’t been very good at giving anyone what they needed for a very long time. Besides, Hollis wasn’t his father. If their past was any sign of their present, the person most capable of helping Hollis Jeffries was the woman herself. Unless he should have looked closer. There was no point in rehashing any of this. However they had lost their way, it was over and done. Water under the pier, so to speak, he told himself, but his heart wouldn’t shut up. Maybe you should ask?

  Matt turned from the road back to her. It certainly couldn’t hurt to try something different. Could it?

  This time, she knew he was there even with her eyes closed, even though he hadn’t said a word. It was his walk, a rhythm that she obviously had not forgotten. When they lived together sophomore year, she knew when he was in the hall outside their apartment before his keys ever jingled in the lock. Matt liked to tell her it was because their apartment was a dump and she heard him coming because the walls were paper-thin, but that wasn’t it. His movements, like the man himself, were efficient. He expelled the least amount of energy. He knew his body, was settled in it, and with the exception of the gym teacher in high school who gave him a complex about his small calves, Hollis knew he was comfortable in his skin. She knew Matt Locke almost as well as she knew herself, still.

  Allowing the crisp bay air into her lungs, Hollis slowly exhaled. “Shouldn’t you be getting home to the missus?”

  “We’re divorced.” He sat down next to her, pulled up the legs of his sweatpants, and hung his legs over the edge.

  Hollis sat up, trying not to react. She was grateful for the darkness because the look on her face must have read shocked or relieved. Relieved? You shouldn’t be relieved, introspection whispered. He was divorced. She imagined Matt to be a forever kind of guy, but it had been years and after reminding herself that she no longer knew him, her next thought was that he hadn’t married the right woman.

  “That was quick. You were married a week ago when I asked you at the shop. Remember, I said, ‘How’s married life?’ and you said, ‘Good.’”

  Matt shook his head. “A virtual transcript of our conversation. I see you’re still precise, huh, Holls?”

  “Could you please stop calling me that?”

  “Holls? Why? Everyone calls you that.”

  “Not like you do.”

  He found her eyes even in the darkness.

  “How is mine different?”

  “I don’t know it’s your voice or some weird thing you do with your breath. Stick with my full name, please.”

  “No.”

  She rolled her eyes as some sort of junior high defense to the pounding in her heart. “So, you said you were married last week.”

  “I lied.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you were whipping around all full of yourself, and I wasn’t in a sharing mood.”

  “Oh, speaking of things that haven’t changed.”

  They both rocked their legs back and forth. When Hollis realized they were in sync, she stilled her legs.

  “Obviously you’re ready to share now. When did you get divorced?”

  “Only lasted a year. Took us another six months to make things official. It’s been about eight years now.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “No you’re not, and she remarried five years ago, has kids. She’s fine too.”

  “Who is she?”

  “You don’t know her.”

  “It did seem a little strange that you were married so—” She shook her head and put a hand to her jittery stomach.

  “Quickly after us? Yeah, it was a great idea. Call my parents if you’d like to continue talking about the failure that was my marriage.”

  “Where did you meet her?”

  “Why are we discussing this?” />
  “I’m trying to make conversation. You started it with the big divorce reveal.”

  He leaned back on his hands. “I met her at work.”

  “At the coffee shop.”

  He started to shake his head then nodded. “Yeah, at the coffee shop.”

  “Huh.” Hollis had a feeling there was something he wasn’t telling her. She also found it strange that Matt would meet someone at The Bean, although his parents had multiple locations so maybe it was someone in management. It was not as if any woman would make sense, so she wasn’t sure why her mind kept turning the thought around.

  “I’m surprised you never had this airbrushed out.” He reached over and ran a finger across the small scar on the side of her chin. There was nothing illicit in the gesture, but it felt intimate, as if the touch should make her blush, but Hollis didn’t blush.

  “Is your second toe still longer than your big toe, or did you have that… chiseled down?” he asked, leaning forward to get a look at her feet in the water when she didn’t answer.

  Hollis went from jumpy stomach at the warmth of his leg touching hers to annoyed in the time it took her to blink.

  “It’s not that much bigger.” She scrunched her toes.

  Matt nodded. “Still there.”

  She stood quickly, grabbed her flip-flops off the dock, and turned to leave. There were very few people with the ability to make Hollis so aware of her body—flaws and all. Matt was one of them, top of the list if she were honest.

  “Where are you going?” he asked, getting to his feet.

  “Anywhere but here. I had a great day with my family and I simply wanted to sit out here in the quiet. I’m not going to let you pull me down memory lane so we can talk about my toes. I don’t care what you think anymore.”

  “Refresh my memory, because I don’t remember you ever caring what I thought.”

  “Oh, this is rich. Tell me, when you replay the sad little movie reel of our past, are you the passive, abandoned victim?”

  Matt held her eyes. “I don’t know, Holls. When you replay it, are you the bitter, selfish bitch?”

  It might have been easier if he’d actually slapped her. Hollis rarely fought fair. She should have remembered that when Matt allowed himself to get angry, he gave as good as he got, sometimes better.

  She smiled and steadied her breath because she knew he’d like nothing more than to watch her get worked up after all these years. “Okay, well, it’s good to know you’ve grown into an asshole. That makes this a whole lot easier.”

  Matt stood in front of her, blocking her retreat. “Makes what easier?”

  She shook her head. There was nothing left to say. “Get out of my way.”

  “I’m not picking you apart.” He rubbed the back of his neck and then stopped as if he knew that was a giveaway to his aggravation. Instead, he shoved both hands into the front pocket of his sweatshirt. “I guess I was checking,” he said softly, and stood back to let her pass.

  She didn’t move. “Checking what?”

  “You.” He swallowed. “Making sure my memory was accurate, the things I know, knew, about you. I guess. I’m sorry. I’ll keep my distance.” He sat back down on the dock as if she’d already gone.

  Hollis closed her eyes. He had a way of making her so angry one minute and right when she was ready to smack him, he’d soften. Never one to follow, Hollis stayed standing but didn’t leave.

  “I knew what happened would mess us up,” he said, almost as though he were talking to himself. “I knew it would mess you up, but I didn’t know how bad it was until you came back.”

  “What are you even talking about?” The anger surfaced again. “I’m great. Last year, I made over a million dollars in bonuses alone, and I ran another marathon.”

  “Like I said, worse than I thought.” Matt looked up at her.

  “Oh, go to hell.” She dropped her flip-flops on the dock and sat next to him with her legs and arms crossed, as if that would protect her. It was a nice try, but the reproachful look on his face shot pain right through the center of her and this time, she shot back. “You’re a dropout, a quitter in everything. Do you think you have room to judge me?”

  “Now we’re getting somewhere. Did I quit you?”

  “Oh wow, yes, Dr. Fuc-nky Town Phil. Twelve years later, let’s talk now. That’s a great idea.”

  He raised his eyebrows in what looked like amusement, which pissed her off even more.

  “Please tell me all about my issues and how you can fix me. Right after you deal with your own.” She leaned into him, needing to make sure he heard every jab. “You’re right, I am messed up. So are you whether you bother to notice it or not. It’s there. Nothing will fix us, so your first instinct was right. Keep your distance.” Hollis went to stand, but he touched her arm. Her entire body buzzed with an energy she had forgotten all about and had never been able to replicate.

  “As much as I’d like to do that, you’re here and I don’t think I’m going to be able to stay away. Maybe finally talking about what happened will help.”

  “It’s very cute that you think so, but no. Too much has happened. We are not those people anymore.”

  “I know. We’re adult people now. We have experience and we know what it’s like.”

  “What what’s like?”

  “To be without each other.”

  “We’ve been without each other for twelve years. Twelve years and you never… we left each other alone. It was better that way.”

  “I never what? Came for you? Fought for you?”

  “I don’t want to talk about this.” She stood, kicking herself for allowing him to get to her.

  “Why not?” he asked, standing and looking so gorgeous and vulnerable illuminated by the lights off the shore that she forgot to be angry.

  “Because we’ve already dealt with it. We’ve moved past it, as all the books say.”

  “We haven’t dealt with anything. I sure haven’t. I’ll give you that we’ve moved on, or at least moved over our past, but there’s been no dealing, Holls. If there had been, I guarantee we wouldn’t be here.”

  “Where would we be?” she asked, her eyes watering at the simple question and her mind demanding that they halt any ideas of crying immediately.

  Matt looked as if he didn’t know how to answer her, so there they stood sharing air, trapped somewhere between the past and what had become their present. Hollis knew what nighttime did to her. She had a habit of letting her inhibitions down, sharing secrets, and acting on regrets that lingered till the following morning. She couldn’t be here with him, not on this pier, and not like this. That door was slammed shut and locked. He was still looking at her, and the pull threatened to bring her right into the depths of those eyes. Hollis had enough of her own mess at this particular moment. She still hadn’t found a way back to her circus box, and nothing humming through her right now was going to make that any easier.

  Matt leaned in and touched the side of her face as if again checking his memory, and she almost lost her balance. His exhale whispered the smell of coffee and sunscreen, and she wanted him in a way she thought she’d all but cried from her system. As his fingers traced down the side of her neck, she suddenly realized that she didn’t want a memory or the past, she wanted the grown man. Her heart was desperate to know his stories, as if they could simply sit on the dock and share secrets like they did when they were teenagers.

  Pull back, Hollis. You won’t survive this again, her mind said, hoping to be heard over the thundering in her chest. “I should go.”

  “You should.” His voice was barely audible above the rippling of the water.

  “Do you want me to go?”

  Matt nodded, but said, “From the second I saw you, Holls, I’m not sure I’ve ever wanted you to go.”

  Her chest ached and her eyes welled again. Now he speaks, she thought, now he gives her heart the words it so desperately needed back before it was broken, before they were broken. It wasn’t fair.
He was too late. Hollis allowed herself one more moment then turned and ran back to her cabin.

  Chapter Eight

  Hollis closed her eyes and saw him. She flipped onto her stomach and buried her face in the new down-blend pillows her uncle finally agreed to buy as an upgrade for each cabin, but it was no use. Too many thoughts of him swirled in her mind, and the memory of the night that proved to be the beginning of the end snuck past the barrier that had taken Hollis years to build. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and let herself go there.

  She and Matt had fallen asleep in the living room during a last-minute cram session they had for a final the next day. It was the first semester of their junior year at Stanford. Matt had bought her two packages of Oreos, a gallon of milk, and some of those marinated mushrooms from the specialty market off campus. Salty and sweet, she could still remember craving it with a vengeance. A mere two days before, she’d stopped at the deli and asked for a brat, extra sauerkraut, and a chocolate milkshake with extra whipped cream. She hoped all of this would pass once she survived what would prove to be the hardest finals of her life. Otherwise, forget the freshman fifteen she’d managed to avoid—she would be on her way to gaining the junior thirty.

  Before they’d both collapsed, Hollis had eaten most of the Oreos and all of the mushrooms until she felt sick while Matt snacked on a bag of nuts and two bottles of water. He was a pain in the ass even back then, she thought, now turning onto her back and pulling the covers under her chin.

  At around three in the morning, the air conditioner in their cheap apartment had kicked on with a groan and a hiss. Hollis remembered sitting up on the couch, throwing her open book onto the floor, and knew. As clearly as she knew every detail of horizontal mergers, she knew something was wrong.

  After it all fell apart, Hollis had replayed that moment around in her head dozens of times in an effort to figure out why in that instant it had clicked exactly like the dying air conditioner. It never made any sense, there was nothing that led up to her moment of clarity.

  After a few minutes of trying to regulate her breathing and counting the days on her phone calendar one more time to make sure she wasn’t being foolish, Hollis had found Matt asleep on the floor. His dark hair sticking up as he lay on his back, sweatshirt bundled under his head, and his arms crossed over his face as if trying to hold in all of the coding and terminology he’d memorized over the past few days. Hollis rolled off the couch and crawled next to him. He groaned, rolled to his side, and pulled her in as if it were Sunday and they had all morning to wake up. Hollis couldn’t breathe. She tried. She wanted to pretend what had woken her was ridiculous, but the nagging wouldn’t leave her alone. She allowed herself one more tender moment and then woke Matt up.