Put It Out There

by D. R. Graham

  “No. Your mom won’t set foot in Britannia. And my dad wouldn’t leave it for anything.”

  “But do you think they’re into each other?”

  He shrugged as if it was obvious. “Yeah.”

  “That’s weird.”

  “Weird because it’s your mom and my dad, or because it’s a Maverty and a Lafleur?”

  “Your dad and my mom,” I quickly clarified. He and I were the only other Maverty-Lafleur combination he could have been referring to, so that made me smile. “What do you think?” I ventured.

  “It’s weird,” he agreed and stood to look more closely at the ornaments on the tree.

  I sat on the couch, trying to figure out if he meant all Mavertys and Lafleurs hooking up would be weird. If I followed my mom’s advice to tell him how I felt, the worst he could say was he wasn’t interested and then we would just stay friends like we already were. I really had nothing to lose. Being able to force my mouth to actually say it was the only issue.

  “Which ornament did you buy for your dad this year?”

  “The snowflake to your right.” I chuckled as I remembered my meltdown at the store. “The sales clerk thought I was seriously bent because I started bawling when I went to pay for it.”

  He pressed his lips together in a sympathetic way, then crouched down to pick up the present he had given me. “You haven’t opened it yet.”

  “I wanted to wait until I saw you.”

  He handed it to me. “You’re seeing me now.”

  I nodded, and my hands shook from the excitement of what could potentially happen if he had feelings for me too. “I’m really happy that I’m seeing you now, in case you couldn’t tell.”

  He looked away and wiped the back of his hand over his mouth to hide the expression that had crept across his lips—which I assumed meant he knew exactly how I felt but wanted to avoid acknowledging it for some reason.

  My face and neck heated up in what must have looked like scarlet fever. “Trevor, I —”

  “Open your gift,” he interrupted, as if he knew what I was going to say. He scratched the back of his neck and sat down on the couch beside me.

  Not sure what I was going to say after the Trevor, I—anyway, I opened the wrapping. Inside, was a hand-made wooden picture frame with a photo of us when we were about seven and nine years old. I remembered the day the photo was taken because it was the first time I had reached the peak of the mountain behind Britannia. His arm was draped over my shoulder, and we were both grinning like we had conquered the world.

  “I know you don’t like gifts that cost a lot of money, and that’s always been one of my favourite pictures of us,” he explained, almost apologetically, as if he worried I wouldn’t like it.

  “It’s adorable. Did you make the frame?”

  He nodded. “I used a piece of the wood from our old tree fort. Remember when we used to have sleepovers in the tree fort?”

  “Yeah, that was fun.” I smiled at the memories of all our wilderness explorations together. I was always the more creative one, making him pretend we were pirates or woodland creatures. He was always the more adventurous one, making me crawl through caves or scale rock faces over waterfalls. It was such a thoughtful gift. “Thank you for making the frame, and for the photo. It reminds me of really happy times. Did you like your present?”

  “I haven’t opened it yet.” He got up and walked over to the front hall closet. He pulled the small package out of his coat pocket and came back across the room to sit beside me. He shook it near his ear and grinned because it made a funny rattling sound. He tore open the paper and pulled out the wooden whistle I had ordered online from a vintage toy company. His initials, TJM were carved into one side of it. SAR for Search and Rescue was carved into the other side. I bit my lip and stared at him to see if he liked it. His expression was hard to read and didn’t change at all as he studied the whistle in his hand.

  “I know it’s kind of lame, but I thought because you use a whistle for rescues it could be a funky collectable,” I scrambled to explain why I thought he would like such a stupid gift.

  “It’s not lame, Derian. It’s really cool, thanks.”

  He wasn’t looking at me. He fidgeted with the whistle and acted as if he wanted to say something more but didn’t quite know where to start. He glanced sideways at me for only a second and then stared back down at his palm. He closed his hand and made a fist around the whistle. A weird tingling sensation fluttered through my stomach like the time I had to sing for the school play.

  “How’s it going with Steve?” he finally asked.

  It was the same question he had asked before he offered to take me to the Footloose play, which sent a shot of excitement through my veins. “We’re just friends.”

  “What did he give you for Christmas?”

  “A leather journal.”

  “What did you give him?”

  Not sure why it mattered, I answered hesitantly, “A utility knife.”

  He looked at me again, then sighed heavily as if a weight was crushing his chest. “Who gave you that Ramones record?”

  “I don’t know. Someone dropped it off at the Inn. There was no name on it.”

  He frowned and the muscles across his shoulders tensed.

  “What’s wrong, Trev?”

  “I have something to tell you.”

  “Okay,” I said, cautiously optimistic. “Is it good or bad?”

  He leaned his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face with his hand. “Both.”

  He was rattled, which was so out of character. “Just tell me.”

  “My dad knows a guy who runs an international Search and Rescue training facility in Iceland.”

  “Oh no,” I breathed out, almost inaudibly.

  He closed his eyes for a long blink and took a deep breath before he continued, “He arranged for Murphy and me to work there for four months. We’ll be doing administration jobs, but we get to go on all the training exercises. It’s an opportunity of a lifetime, and it pays better than working at the docks. It will help me save more for school.”

  The excitement, anxiety, and all the blood in my body felt as if they drained out of me and pooled on the floor. I saw the freaking cheese-log thing but had no clue this blow was coming. Unbelievable.

  He glanced at my stunned expression and grimaced before he stared at the floor. “There’s more. Murph wants to also do some travelling through Europe since we’re going to be over there already. I won’t have the opportunity to travel once I’m in school again.” He snuck another glance, but since I still hadn’t recovered from the shock, he avoided looking me directly in the eyes. “Anyway, we won’t be back until summer.”

  “When do you leave?”

  “The beginning of February.”

  I forced a smile in an attempt to compose myself. After some very difficult breaths I was able to say, “It sounds like an amazing opportunity. I’m really happy for you.”

  Reading through my effort to be positive, he leaned over, wrapped his arm across my shoulder, and pulled my body against him. “You probably won’t even miss me. You’ll be busy studying, dating, going to parties, and having fun.” He tightened the hug until I could feel his heartbeat, steady and strong. “You’ll be fine without me.”

  “Fine” was a relative term. I would survive, but that didn’t mean it was what I wanted. Accepting we would never be romantically involved was hard enough. Having to come to terms with him not being in my life at all was going to suck. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

  “I’m going to miss you, too.” After a long silence, he kissed the top of my head and said, “It’s getting late. You should go to bed. I’ll crash on the couch.”

  “I want to stay here with you.” My heart jumped from the shock of saying something so impulsive.

  Although it appeared he considered it for a second, he shook his head. “We can talk about everything more tomorrow.”

  There weren’t going to be any more opportun
ities to tell him how I felt, and I didn’t have anything to lose. If it went horribly, he would leave and hopefully forget about it. If he felt the same way, we could maybe get together when he came back. Either way, I needed to say it so I would have no regrets. I took a deep breath and prepared to do the most terrifying thing I had ever done. “Trevor, I —”

  As if he had anticipated what I was going to blurt out, he pressed his fingertip against my lips with the gentlest touch and whispered, “Shh. Don’t.”

  “But I —” I struggled to speak without being able to move my lips.

  “Please don’t, Deri.” He closed his eyes for a long blink, then leaned forward and kissed my cheek. “Good night.”

  Completely confused, I stood and rushed down the hall to my room. I turned on the bedside lamp and checked to see if the light was going to wake Kailyn. She was out cold, so I slid my phone off my desk and texted Sophie: Trevor showed up! Drove down in a snow storm. For me? Seemed that way. Everything awesome. All alone. Drops a bomb. Going to work at SAR facility in Iceland then party around Europe w/ Murph until summer. Tried to tell him how I feel about him. Stopped me, said ‘please don’t’. Told me to go to bed. WTF?

  Kailyn was sprawled across my entire bed, but it didn’t matter because I didn’t anticipate falling asleep. It took a few minutes before my phone buzzed loudly with the response from Sophie: WTF? is right. Call me.

  Can’t. Kailyn is in my room.

  k. How did he know ur going to spill it?

  I was so obvious. He didn’t want to hear me say it. Why?

  Dating someone else?

  Id think so. Maybe saving me the humiliation b/c he doesn’t feel the same way? Maybe wants someone with more experience? Maybe wants to sleep his way through every woman in Europe?

  Maybe too hard to leave for Europe if he actually heard u say it.

  That one struck me because it was a possibility that had never occurred to me. Oh. U think?

  Ya.

  Either way, I’m going to miss him so much.

  I know. Call me in the am so we can talk. xoxo

  k. thanks.

  I put the phone down and sat on the edge of my bed for a while, contemplating my options. Give up, bury my feelings and let him go live his life without me. Or, spend some quality time with him before I bury my feelings and let him go live his life without me. It was possibly my last opportunity to be close to him, so I chose option two, psyched myself up, and tip-toed down the hall into the living room. He had unplugged the Christmas tree lights, but the light coming in through the windows was bright enough to see that he was stretched out on the couch, awake. His stare was intense and made my heart pound in my throat. “You okay?” he asked.

  “Um.” I tucked my hair behind my ears, hoping for the courage I needed. “I can’t sleep. Would it be all right if we pretend we’re in the tree house?”

  After a pause that made my legs weak, he lifted the blanket without saying anything. Relieved, I slid in beside him and nestled into his arms as they wrapped around me. His breath slowed and the rhythm made me relax. The feel of his body against mine was like a dream come true, even if it was only for one night. I decided there was no point telling him my true feelings if he was leaving for half a year. Everything could change in that amount of time. All I wanted to do was enjoy the time we did have. I was almost asleep when he sighed. I was a little drowsy, but it sounded like he mumbled, “Shit.”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  I hardly saw Trevor for the month before he left. He worked double shifts at the docks, stopped coming over for breakfast, and spent all of his free time either going on rescues or doing errands with Murphy to get ready for their trip. Although he would have flipped out if I ever compared him to his mom to his face, taking off and avoiding conversations was his way of dealing with a lot of things—just like her. It’s why he hiked, why he bought a motorbike, and why he travelled so much. The only difference between Trevor and his mom was he always came back. At least, he always had in the past.

  As a result of his master evasion techniques, we never got a chance to talk about what it meant that we fell asleep together on the couch at Christmas. Boxing Day morning, I had slipped back into my room before anyone woke up. By the time I got up for breakfast, he had already left. His dad said he had to work, but I knew he took off to avoid me. It was pretty obvious he was going to continue dodging me until he got on the airplane. I was bummed, and Sophie was sick of my crappy mood.

  “Trevor leaves tomorrow,” I moaned and thudded my head down on the table in the students’ lounge.

  “Good,” Sophie snorted. “Will you please stop moping once he’s gone?”

  “I’ll probably only get worse,” I mumbled into the wood of the table.

  “I’ll do an intervention if you don’t watch it.”

  “I wanna be sedated.”

  “That’s it!”

  “What?” I sat up and glared at her. “I was joking. I’m not going to take sedatives.”

  “No, we need to party.”

  My posture collapsed again as I sunk into the chair, depressed. “I don’t feel like partying.”

  “I know. That’s why we’re going to. Doug, party at your house Saturday night?”

  “Yup.”

  “There you go.” She raised her eyebrows and flashed her calculated grin. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to throw a few invites around.” She stood and walked towards Steve and his friends before I even had a chance to protest.

  Steve and I hadn’t talked about that date he asked me on before Christmas because his sister had to be hospitalized again with complications. He was too preoccupied. I was too mopey. Sophie sat down at a free chair at Steve’s table and talked with erratic hand gestures. He looked over at me and smiled, so I waved. He got up when Sophie did and they walked in opposite directions. He walked towards me. She walked towards the table where Mason was sitting. Paige Peterson had just plopped herself down to sit sideways on Mason’s lap and leaned in to kiss his neck. Obviously, the PDA didn’t deter Sophie. She walked right up to them. Mason moved Paige off his lap, which made her pout and walk away.

  “Hey,” Steve said as he sat down next to me.

  “Hey. How’s your sister doing?”

  “About the same. Her liver and kidneys aren’t functioning properly still. They decided to keep her in the hospital because she keeps getting blood clots from the medications they have her on. Sorry I’ve been kind of MIA.”

  “It’s totally fine. How are you doing?”

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged, and the expression that flashed across his face made him look old. “Giselle is all anybody in my family talks about. Sometimes I want to laugh at something funny one of my friends said, or something I saw on TV, and then I remember my sister’s in the hospital and I feel guilty for being happy.”

  “You’re allowed to feel happy. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about what she’s going through. It just means you’re human and you want to feel better.”

  “I guess.” He sighed and looked at the wall. “I feel like I can’t think straight. I’m tired all day, but then at night when I go to bed, I can’t sleep.”

  “I haven’t been sleeping all that well lately either.”

  “Right. You’re sad because Trevor’s leaving.”

  It was true, and obvious to anyone around me that I was distraught, but for some reason I didn’t appreciate him pointing it out. “I’m allowed to be upset that one of my best friends is leaving.”

  Doug looked up from the Dostoyevsky book he was reading, interested in the conversation at the table for once.

  “I didn’t say you couldn’t be upset.” Steve said cautiously, as if he could tell I was on the brink of a meltdown. “I understand that you and Trevor are close, and you’re going to miss him.” He glanced over at Doug, who was still watching in hopes of a blowout.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled, wishing I hadn’t been so defensive. It wasn’t Steve’s fault that things didn’t wo
rk out between Trevor and me.

  Sophie returned and said, “Well, it looks like everybody in the school is going to be there. Is that cool, Doug?”

  “Yup.” He buried his nose back in the book, no longer interested if I wasn’t going to lose it on Steve.

  “Everyone in the school?” I asked and looked over my shoulder at Mason. Paige was saddled up on him again.

  “Would you like to go to the party with me, Derian?” Steve asked.

  I bit at my lip and thought about Trevor. It was disappointing to admit, but dating Trevor had been a pipe dream. It was beyond me what made me believe he might want to date a young, inexperienced, naïve girl when he had the opportunity to have epic flings with multiple sophisticated women in Europe and then university once he was back. I needed to move on with my life, and probably the sooner the better if I wanted to get over it. Getting some dating experience with a thoughtful, intelligent, good-looking guy like Steve was definitely not a bad consolation, so I said, “Sure.”

  “Great.” Steve stood. “I have to go do some catch-up work in the biology lab right now. I’ll pick you up at the Inn around eight on Saturday night.”

  “Do you want help with your lab?”

  “Sure.” He held out his arm to hold my hand. I stood and somewhat awkwardly took his hand.

  Sophie flashed a peace sign and a huge satisfied grin.

  Trevor had to leave for the airport at four o’clock on Saturday morning. He didn’t come over to say goodbye on Friday night like I had expected him to, so I woke myself up at three-thirty with my alarm. I layered my winter parka over my pyjamas and sat on the porch railing to wait.

  The outside light to his house flicked on at about three-forty-five, and his dad stepped out with Trevor’s duffle bag. He threw it into the back of his Ford F350, then he went back into the house. The light from their living room angled out the open front door and made a warm glow on the porch. Jim appeared again and walked over to get in the truck and start the engine. I jumped down from the railing and clomped across the parking lot in my snowmobile boots. Trevor saw me as soon as he stepped through the doorway. His muscles tensed before he shut the door behind him. We stood staring at each other in silence.