by Quinn Ward
“Fine, but this can’t be a regular thing.” I leaned in to kiss him, but Freddie pulled away, clearly letting me know he wasn’t happy about me pushing the issue.
If I had my way, Sophia could stay with me whenever he was at work. With another adult in the house, it seemed pointless for her to split her time between two homes. Freddie talked about routines, well she deserved for hers to include going to sleep in her own bed every night.
Sophia squealed when Freddie informed her she was staying home with me. She ran into the kitchen, where I was making some quick sandwiches for lunch. “Did Daddy tell you I don’t have to go to Nonna’s tonight? I get to stay here with you. We can bake and watch movies and then you can read me a story before bedtime. You’re way better than Nonna is at story time. She doesn’t do the voices.”
“You do voices when you read to her?” Freddie asked. I glanced up, noticing the dopey grin on his face. Mama used to tell my sisters the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, but I got the impression Sophia was the gatekeeper of Freddie’s heart.
Sophia helped me carry the sandwiches and a bowl of fresh fruit to the table. She definitely took after her daddy when it came to wanting to help out in the kitchen, and I knew that’s where we’d wind up spending much of the afternoon. Funny how I’d adamantly refused to come home, telling Papa I didn’t want to be chained to the oven like he was through much of my childhood, and now I was teaching Freddie’s little girl the recipes we’d all memorized as children. It wasn’t baking I hated, it was everything that went along with it, including the fact that I would’ve been forced to be someone I wasn’t.
I wrapped Freddie’s sandwich in plastic and portioned some fruit into a storage container so he could eat while he drove. From the sounds of it, this might be the last chance he had to get some food in his belly for a while.
“Soph, start eating while I talk to your daddy for a minute. When you’re done, we’ll clean up and plan the afternoon.” I followed Freddie to the front door, waiting patiently while he shoved his feet into his work shoes. “Breathe babe. It’s going to be fine. If you’re screwed for tonight, give me a call and we’ll figure out a way I can come in and help you.”
“You don’t—” I stopped him from finishing that tired argument by pressing my lips to his. His entire body relaxed with a sigh. “Fuck, you can’t do that Peter. What if Sophia saw us?”
“Would that really be the worst thing in the world?” Yes, there would inevitably be questions, but at some point, Sophia was going to find out her daddy liked both men and women.
“It’s not about that and you damn well know it,” Freddie growled. I didn’t want him leaving in a shittier mood than he was already in, so I wrapped my arms around his waist from behind as he grabbed his keys and wallet off the small table next to the door.
“I know and I’m sorry,” I apologized, pressing a kiss to the center of his back. He’d been cagey about showing any sort of affection around Sophia because he didn’t want her getting the wrong impression. He didn’t want her getting attached to me, only to have me bail the way her piece-of-shit mother had. It was probably for the best I didn’t know what the woman looked like, because if I ran across her on the streets of New York, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to hold back from telling her what I thought of her.
I also hadn’t found a way to tell Freddie that every day I spent here, I was more reluctant to leave. Between getting to know Maria and helping her come out of her shell and figuring out there was crazy chemistry between Freddie and me, it was hard to face going home. I’d turned in my rental car over two weeks earlier, because it seemed a waste to keep paying for it when I could easily rely on mass transit if I needed to go anywhere when Freddie and Maria were both unavailable.
“We’ll talk about this more later,” Freddie warned me. Shit. If he pushed, I knew I’d tell him the truth, and that scared the shit out of me. What I’d offered him was a casual fling, but this arrangement hadn’t felt casual to me for a while now. Admitting that to him was likely to scare him off. He was newly out, and only to me, still waiting on his divorce to become final, and was stretched thin between his commitments to the restaurant and his daughter. More than anything, I was worried he’d confirm my biggest fear: there was no room in his life for love.
“Get out of here. And drive carefully.” On a good day, Freddie had a lead foot, so I didn’t want to think about how fast he’d drive knowing the kitchen was in crisis mode and two of his cooks were on their way to urgent care.
“If you need me, call. The number for the pediatrician is on the fridge along with Mama’s if you have any questions.”
“We’ll be fine.” I pushed him towards the door. “Get out of here so we can work on a surprise for when you get home.”
My dick twitched as I thought about one surprise in particular. I’d planned on saving it for the next time we were home alone, but if I got my way when we talked, those nights would be few and far between moving forward.
Freddie texted no less than a dozen times to check in on Sophia. If I didn’t know how protective he was of her, I might’ve been offended he didn’t think I could manage to both entertain and keep her in one piece. I humored him, sending proof of life photos in response to every message.
At dinnertime, I realized the flaw in my plan. The cupboards were bare, and I doubted Freddie would approve of me feeding Sophia cookies and cupcakes for dinner. “Hey Soph, I have to call for dinner. What do you want?”
“Can we go out on a date?” Sophia asked, batting her huge brown eyes at me. “I want to get dressed up and go see Uncle Frankie for dinner. Daddy used to take me there before Mommy left, but now he’s too busy.”
Dagger straight to the heart. I had been tempted to tell her it wasn’t a good night to go to Marino’s, and that I wasn’t sure Freddie would approve of me taking her on the bus, but I hated the idea of telling her no. I pulled up the app on my phone and checked to see how much it’d be for a ride. Uber beat the hell out of trying to keep track of her while navigating bus routes I was still getting used to.
“Okay, you go get dressed and we’ll do it,” I decided. I sent a quick text to Freddie before I went upstairs to change, letting him know what we were doing and giving him time to reply telling me I was out of my mind if I thought I was taking Sophia anywhere.
I flipped through the clothes I’d amassed while I’d been here, trying to find something appropriate for date night with a little girl, chuckling when I realized this was my first date with a girl in twenty-six years. I’d managed to dodge that bullet as a teen by pretending I was more interested in books and video games than dating like the rest of my classmates.
I locked myself in the walk-in closet while I changed. I was feeling sassy and knew Soph wouldn’t judge me if I wore my new high heel ankle boots that went perfectly with my skinny jeans, but I wanted to go a step further. I dug deep into the back of the closet, where I stored everything that made me feel sexy. Unlike when I was younger, I wasn’t hiding out of shame as much as not wanting to explain my preferences to a well-meaning but nosy child. As I rolled the silk stockings up my legs, I considered what Freddie would say later, when he saw the complete ensemble. One piece would stay neatly tucked away until we got home tonight, but knowing I had on bright blue lace underwear and black stockings when he couldn’t do anything about it felt like foreplay.
Sophia was waiting on my bed when I stepped out, smoothing my hands over the flowing royal purple fabric of my top. “You look pretty, Peter.”
“And you look absolutely divine,” I replied dramatically. She giggled as she swung her feet at the end of the bed. I checked myself in the mirror, turning to make sure there were no telling lines through the back of my pants. Not a one, which was exactly what I wanted. “Why don’t you go grab your brush so we can do something with your hair while I do my makeup?”
It never fazed Sophia that I liked to wear makeup. To her, there was no such thing as girl things and boy things,
unless you were talking about toys. “Will you do my makeup, too?”
“I think you’re a little young for that,” I responded, cringing when I realized I’d made a fatal error. One did not tell Sophia Marino she couldn’t do something based on her age. Before she could launch into a tirade, I offered a compromise. “But if you hurry and you sit still while I do your hair, I might have some lip gloss you can wear.”
“What’s that?” she asked, jumping off the bed and wrapping her arm around mine as I started laying out the products I needed for the look I was going for. It was nothing too dramatic, but I hadn’t left the house feeling completely like myself since I left New York. Even at home, I’d dialed it back, not wanting to rock the boat. But Freddie sure as hell didn’t mind when I tapped into my more delicate desires, and the few times I’d worn a bit of makeup around Sophia, she’d been fascinated.
She sat next to me on the vanity bench, asking questions as I went through my beauty routine. It was mildly annoying because this was a ritual for me, always done in silence or with soft music playing in the background. I couldn’t explain why, but it was one of my quirks. I answered each question and allowed her to put on moisturizer and primer, laughing when she sat up straighter as she checked herself out in the lighted mirror. “Oh Peter, I look beautiful!”
“You sure do, Soph. But that has nothing to do with makeup because you’re a natural beauty,” I told her, wanting to make sure she understood, even at her age, it wasn’t powders and creams that gave her self-worth.
We took a selfie once our looks were complete, and I ordered our ride so it’d be here once I finished doing Sophia’s hair. Because I’d gone a bit bolder on my makeup, I opted for a low, sleek bun for myself, but I used the curling iron on her hair so the tendrils bounced as she spun in her party dress.
She watched, eyes wide, as I slipped my feet into my boots. I stuck one out, turning my foot one direction and the other. “What do you think? Too much?”
“They’re so pretty,” she cooed, kneeling beside me to touch the metal accents. “Can I have some like this?”
“Maybe someday,” I responded. My phone chimed, and I offered up a silent prayer that it was the ride notification, not Freddie telling me to keep Sophia home. I lucked out.
I held the doors open for Sophia as we left the house and got into the car, just like a gentleman should. I’d read somewhere that kids learned from a young age how they deserved to be treated, and this little girl was nothing less than a queen as far as I was concerned. She talked the driver’s ear off the entire way to the restaurant, telling him how I did her hair and let her wear my makeup. The guy gave me a disapproving glance in the rearview mirror a few times, but I ignored him. Fuck him if he thought I was a freak for wearing makeup or that I was twisting Sophia’s mind by normalizing my behavior. I was making sure she knew it was normal, because I wanted her to grow up knowing you could do or be anything you wanted because no one had given me that reassurance when I was younger.
The second we stepped into Marino’s, I was shocked by how busy they were. The lobby and bar were both filled with people waiting for tables, which I thought was odd for a Thursday night. It was impossible to miss Mrs. Marino teetering back to the hostess stand. The moment she spotted us, her eyes lit up and she moved faster. “Oh, don’t you look beautiful! Did you come in to surprise your daddy?”
“Nope! Peter and I are having a date night,” she proudly proclaimed. “I told him how Daddy used to bring me here when he didn’t have to work so I could see Uncle Frankie and he told me to get dressed up.”
She stood and took a long look at me. My shoulders slumped forward, and I pulled back slightly. We’d talked a few times over the past few weeks when I’d gone with Freddie to drop off or pick up Sophia, but she’d never seen me in all my glory, so to speak. I wasn’t embarrassed about who I was, but it was important to me that I not see disapproval from the woman who’d been a second mother when I was young.
A knot formed in my stomach, a literal ache as painful as if I’d just been punched, when my thoughts drifted to my own Mama and what she’d say if she could see me now. Maria and I had talked about her a bit, and my little sister’s version of the woman who gave birth to us was a stranger to me.
“Well you both look… beautiful?” The statement came out more like a question, and Mrs. Marino narrowed her eyes as her gaze shifted from my feet to my face and back again. “I must say, this isn’t something I’d have expected to see you in, Peter.”
She seemed more confused than upset. I gave a quick shrug because I didn’t know how to make her see I was wearing what made me feel good regardless of who it was marketed to. “Thank you, Mrs. Marino.”
“Oh, you stop that right now,” she scolded, swatting my arm. “You best remember I used to change your diapers, young man. You call me Mama, same as you used to.”
“Thank you… Mama.” I choked on the last word, overcome by the knowledge there was at least one parental figure out there who accepted me, or was willing to try. She wrapped her arms around my middle, squeezing tightly. My eyes watered and I pulled away, hoping to keep my eyeliner from ruining the shoulder of her blouse. “Hush now, it’s okay.”
“I just…”
“I know,” she said. Well that was reassuring because I had no clue what I’d been about to say. “Your mama, she would’ve been so proud of you, living your life the way you do.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” I argued.
“Oh honey, your mama, she loved you. She was proud of how you stood up to your papa. She confided in me that she would always regret not being there for you like she should’ve been.” I knew she was telling me this thinking it’d help me grieve for my mama and overcome my anger, but all her words did was shift that anger from Mama to me. If I hadn’t been so stubborn, if I hadn’t run away like a child who didn’t get their way, we could’ve made amends. Now, it was too late.
“And now look what I’ve done.” Mama Marino reached up and wiped away my runny makeup with her thumb. “You know, you surprise me, Peter. I was taken aback when you walked in, but you really are a beautiful man.”
“Thank you, Mrs.—Mama,” I corrected myself. She smiled broadly, reached for two menus, and rested her hand in the crook of my elbow as she guided me through the dining room.
“I’m going to put the two of you in the back room. It’s quiet back there and I can send Freddie out when the kitchen slows down a bit,” she told me. “Now, I should warn you that some of our regular customers are in tonight, but I don’t think you’ll have an issue with them.”
We turned the corner, and I saw a beautiful man, one who made me seem masculine by comparison. He was wearing a red, ankle length pencil skirt with a black silk tank top.
Mama noticed me gaping at the man and pushed against my chin so I’d close my damned mouth. “You see, Peter, sometimes it takes those of us who are older a bit of time to come around, but that doesn’t mean we’re always so set in our ways that we can’t learn to see more than skin deep.”
She led Sophia and me to a table in the corner and promised she’d send Tony back to take our orders. As Sophia told me all about her plans for the summer, I watched the group on the other side of the room, feeling for the first time like I could stay in town without having to hide.
9
Freddie
“There’s someone here to see you,” Mama announced as she pushed through the swinging doors. I was sweaty, tired, and in no mood to deal with people. Business had been so steady Frankie jumped on the line to help make up for being three cooks short, but he wasn’t used to the groove and was more like a speed bump through most of the rush.
“Mama, I’m not fit to go talk to anyone,” I complained.
She walked behind the line, something she almost never did, and tugged on my arm. “Believe me, you have time for this couple. In fact, I’d wager they’re exactly what you need to brighten your night.” She took the rag out of my hand and shooed me away
. “Go. I’ll help the boys finish in here. You make yourself presentable and go to the back dining room.”
“Mama—”
“No, you go. The worst of the rush is over and I’m sure your brother will help me if I need him,” she said, physically pushing me out of my own kitchen.
I didn’t even have the energy left to fight with her, so I ducked out of my apron and tossed it into the dirty laundry bin. A few people waved to me on my way to the back room and I returned the gesture. Marino’s was busier now than it’d been in years and I didn’t want the reputation of a surly executive chef to chase anyone off. My steps faltered when I rounded the corner. Peter’s back was to me, but Sophia looked like a real-life princess and smiled broader than I’d seen in months.
“Daddy!” She ran up to me, clutching my legs so tightly I couldn’t move. “Peter brought me to see you and Uncle Frankie for dinner. I told him you used to bring me, but you can’t because you’re working so much now.”
Ouch. As grateful as I was that Peter hadn’t hesitated to step up, I couldn’t shake the feeling he was stepping into my place. “Are you going to eat dinner with us?”
I almost said no, then remembered Mama insisting that I take the rest of the night off. I helped Sophia into her chair and then sat in the chair facing the room.
“I hope it’s okay that I brought her out,” Peter said. “I texted you, figuring you’d tell me I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere with her, but you didn’t.”
“Why wouldn’t I let you get her out of the house?” I let the man sleep down the hall from her, he had full rein of the house, so it made no sense he’d think I didn’t trust him. I did, far more than I should.
“Because we didn’t talk about it beforehand,” he explained. “I know how protective you are of her.”
We both glanced over at Sophia, who was engrossed in a picture book. That’s when I noticed there was a tote bag sitting on the chair across from me. “I wasn’t sure if we’d have to wait, so I brought something to keep her entertained. Otherwise, she’d have been bugging her uncles and running into the kitchen to see you.”