Me, Just Different

by Stephanie Morrill

  “This.”

  “Why don’t you go over to Jenna’s?”

  “Why don’t you mind your own business?”

  I didn’t respond, and she didn’t say anything else until I left the bathroom.

  “Tell Eli I said hi,” she said softly.

  So on top of feeling guilty for lying to my mother, I now felt bad about Abbie.

  “It’s not that I owe her an explanation or anything, but recently I feel bad about our relationship,” I said as I stirred my ravioli. “Like maybe I’m the reason we’re not very close.”

  Eli answered with a shrug. “Do you need to be close?”

  “It’d be nice. She’s my sister.”

  “I’m not close to either of my sisters.”

  “That’s different. You’re a guy.”

  He raised a mischievous eyebrow at me. “How nice of you to finally notice.”

  The hairs on the back of my neck rose, as if I were a cat going on the defensive. “What does that mean?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Seriously, what did you mean?”

  He wagged his head at me. “Skylar, it was a joke. Lighten up.”

  I watched him return to his manicotti, cutting and chewing as normal. He really had been joking. I returned to my dinner as well. “Sorry. I guess I’m just bummed about this Abbie thing.”

  “I’ll tell you what you need.” Eli pointed his fork at me. “A good party. You know James on the baseball team? He’s throwing one tonight. I thought we’d go after dinner, if it hasn’t already been broken up.”

  “But I thought . . .” I changed my mind. “I don’t know that I’m up for a party.”

  Eli looked at me as if I said I planned to shave my head. “What?”

  I squirmed in my chair. “I thought it was just going to be the two of us tonight.”

  “So, you don’t want to go?”

  “Not really.”

  That mix of confusion and disgust remained on his face, so I averted my eyes.

  “Is this about Aaron?” he asked.

  I didn’t answer, just kept pushing a square of ravioli through the cream sauce. Eli placed his hand over mine. “Skylar, that’s not going to happen again.”

  “I can make sure of it if I don’t go to any more parties,” I said into my bowl.

  “That’s letting him win.”

  “What if he’s there tonight?”

  “He won’t be. Aaron is in Florida at college.”

  “But what if he’s in town for something?”

  “If for some reason he’s there, I promise you we’ll leave.”

  “But I said no more parties.”

  I said it so quietly Eli asked me to repeat myself. When I did, he asked, “When did you say that?”

  “The morning after.”

  “But it’s not like you meant it,” Eli said. “You weren’t thinking clearly.”

  I remember him leaning in to kiss me as the gas tank clicked closer to full. Half my brain told me it was a bad idea, that it would create changes I didn’t want. The other half wanted to be close to him, wanted to feel safe and secure. Eli was right, I hadn’t been thinking clearly that morning.

  I smoothed the tablecloth with my hands. “I was serious about no parties.”

  “I don’t remember you saying no parties. I thought you said you were going to quit drinking. What’s the harm in a party if you don’t drink?”

  The waiter interrupted to ask if he could get a box for me.

  “Please,” I said, pushing my plate at him.

  “And bring the check, will ya?” Eli asked through a mouthful of mozzarella and red sauce. Charming.

  “I thought we were going to do it together,” I said when the waiter left.

  He swallowed his enormous bite. “Do what?”

  “The life change stuff. Church and all that.”

  He appeared puzzled. “I’ve been going to church.”

  “I know.” I took a deep breath. Why couldn’t I make him understand? “But I thought we agreed to no more parties.”

  Eli laughed. “So we can’t have fun?”

  “You need to be around a bunch of other drunk people to have fun with me?”

  He sighed. “How’s skipping the party going to make you a better person? Wasn’t that the point of making changes to your life?”

  “Well . . . yeah.”

  “Do you think going home and sitting alone in your room will make you a better person?”

  “No . . .”

  “Okay, then. What’s the problem?”

  “The problem is . . .” But now I felt incredibly lame. “I guess there isn’t one.”

  Eli smiled, triumphant. “Good. Then we can go.”

  All the praying I did on the drive to the party, requesting that the cops had already broken it up, proved fruitless. Instead, the party was at the stage I used to love, deep enough into the night that everyone was buzzed and goofy, but still too early for vomiting and tearful breakdowns.

  When I opened the door of James’s house, the door that led into my old life, I spotted my group right away. Jodi was perched on the arm of the living room sofa, a burning cigarette in one hand and a plastic cup in the other. My friends crowded around her, as if she were the queen.

  “There you guys are!” Jodi interrupted her own story. “I wondered if you were coming.”

  “You know Skylar,” Eli said with a tweak of my ear. “Got to make an entrance.”

  Everyone laughed, which helped him to ignore my stony glare.

  “I’ll get us something to drink,” he said before vanishing into the crowd.

  “Here, Skylar.” Jodi scooted to make room for me on the arm.

  “No, I’m fine. I’ll just sit—” I turned and found Connor occupying one of the armchairs. What was he doing here? “On the floor,” I finished, dropping to a patch of the rug near the coffee table.

  Jodi continued with her story, some tale from the wild world of working in retail, but I couldn’t focus. Instead, my eyes drifted around the room, searching the faces. I knew Eli was right, that Aaron started at FSU this fall and had no reason to be at a high school party rather than Tallahassee. But that didn’t slow the rapid thumping of my heart.

  Eli settled beside me. “Here.”

  I looked into the plastic cup of beer and made a face at him.

  “It’s all they have,” he said.

  “Really? There’s no running water in this house?”

  “If you don’t want it, don’t drink it,” Eli snapped, and then turned away from me.

  I set my beer on the coffee table and ignored it. If only I could have wound the clock back a few hours and met Eli at the restaurant, then I could have gone home now. I’d been so excited about Mom and Dad being out of the house so Eli could pick me up like a real date. How long would I have to be here at this stupid party?

  An hour later, when the mood shifted from buzzed and happy to drunk and stupid, I continued to ask myself that question. None of my friends showed any signs of weariness. They seemed not to notice repeated stories or too-loud laughing, and when Madison Embry caught her boyfriend kissing another girl, my friends cackled their way through her hysterical crying and dramatic exit.

  “Serves her right.” Jodi snickered. “Alexis, ’member when she did that to you with Seth and I punched her?”

  Alexis laughed as if Jodi was doing a stand-up routine.

  I bit my tongue to keep irritated words locked in my mouth and turned away.

  That’s when I saw him.

  He started up the spiral staircase, his back to me, his arm around some dark-haired girl I didn’t recognize. She leaned against him as if walking upstairs required too much effort. Had I done the same thing?

  I leaped to my feet. The girl’s head fell back with laughter, and I wanted to shake her, prevent her from falling into the horrible nightmare I’d been living.

  But as I neared the base of the stairs, determined to call out Aaron in front of everybody, the c
ouple turned and I saw my mistake. He didn’t look a thing like Aaron. It was a trick played on me by the dim lighting mixed with paranoia.

  I couldn’t just stand there looking like an idiot, and I didn’t want to answer any questions my friends might pose, so I escaped through the back door. Others were outside enjoying the warm August night. They lounged in or around the pool, leaving me sheltered on the side porch. I sat on the concrete slab as modestly as my miniskirt would allow, struggling not to cry.

  When would this go away, this constant fear of Aaron, of what happened that night? Would I eventually go back to being myself? That’s what I really wanted. To forget about Aaron, return to the party, and have the carefree fun I’d once had. I wanted to drink my beer, laugh, and not feel bad for Madison. It sure beat sitting here, looking at the vegetable garden James’s mother planted that had little spikes coming out of the ground to mark zucchini and carrots. Reading those signs filled me with guilt. She was enjoying a vacation with her husband, clueless of my friends smoking in her house and spilling beer on her couch.

  The door opened behind me.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, knowing I’d worried Eli when I fled without explanation. “I just couldn’t sit there any longer.” “Believe me, I understand.” It wasn’t Eli, but Connor.

  I turned. “Oh, hi.”

  He smiled and pushed his hands into his pockets. “Did you think I was Eli?”

  I nodded.

  “He’s too busy flirting with my girlfriend to worry about his.”

  I sighed. “That should bother me, right?”

  Connor crouched beside me. “Maybe you’re just not surprised.”

  I didn’t answer.

  “Well, I’ve had all the partying I can stand. I’m taking off. You wanna come?”

  I held his gaze for a moment. “Seriously?”

  “Would it be nice to joke about that?”

  “Not at all.”

  “Then it’s a good thing I’m not.” His knees cracked as he stood. “My mom just called. Cameron’s at a birthday party and was supposed to spend the night, but I guess he got a little freaked out and wants Mom to come get him. I have her car, and Dad’s out bowling with Chris and Curtis.”

  “So, we’re picking up your brother in the minivan?”

  Connor nodded. “Or you can sit around here and pretend you’re drinking your beer and having a good time.”

  An excellent point.

  “Let’s go,” I said, and accepted the hand he offered to help me stand. “I just have to tell Eli good-bye.”

  But when I saw him seated beside Jodi, his face red from laughing and his eyes crinkled with that smile, it didn’t seem important for him to know I was leaving.

  “Forget it,” I muttered to Connor and pushed through the crowd.

  As the door closed behind us, we heard the shattering of the first valuable of the night, a vase from the sound of it.

  “I think we’re getting out of here just in time,” Connor said as we trekked across the grass toward his car.

  “Just in time would imply we’d never come at all.” I offered a wry smile. “I hate these stupid parties.”

  “That seems out of character.”

  “Well, it seems out of character for you to be here, so I guess we’re even. I assume you’re in the same boat I am? Jodi dragged you here?”

  “Not exactly. James said it would be low-key.” He held open the passenger door of Amy’s minivan. “Does that mean Eli dragged you?”

  “Something like that.”

  “You always struck me as a girl who’d enjoy a good party.”

  I hesitated. “Not anymore.”

  Connor looked at me, wordless. What did he see? And why did I care?

  On the road, Connor and I said nothing to each other after he established I was free to adjust the air vents however I liked. I looked forward to Cameron joining us to break the stiff silence, but the little boy who climbed into the van differed from the kid I’d had dinner with last Sunday night.

  I greeted Cameron with a warm smile. “Hey.”

  He scowled at me and buckled his seat belt.

  “Not in much of a party mood?” I asked, craning my neck into an awkward position so I could see him from the front seat.

  “No,” he said.

  “Yeah, me neither.”

  Then Connor got into the car, and I relinquished the responsibilities of cheering his brother up.

  Except Connor didn’t say anything.

  I don’t know why I felt obligated, I just did. I recognized the expression on Cameron’s face, when something you anticipated didn’t turn out like you thought. When you held yourself responsible for it.

  As Connor turned onto my street, I cleared my throat. “You know, Cameron, your brother and I were at a party tonight too.”

  Cameron glowered at me. “I know. That’s why my mom couldn’t come get me.”

  “We were glad to leave.” I turned to face him. “You know why?”

  He looked like he didn’t want to be curious but couldn’t help it. “Why?”

  “Because sometimes parties just stink.”

  “Yeah?” His smile was small, but it was there.

  “Yeah. I’m so glad to be home,” I said as the minivan rolled up my driveway.

  Now Cameron gave me the full grin, missing teeth and all.

  I popped open the door. “Thanks for the ride.”

  “No problem,” Connor said. “And—” He nodded to the backseat, then mouthed “thank you.”

  Later, as I crawled into bed, it occurred to me that the night hadn’t ended up too bad.

  8

  When I said hi to Lisa in biology on Monday, she looked at me with eyes of ice and then turned away.

  “Okay.” I took my seat. “I’m going to venture a guess that you’re mad at me.”

  “Wow. You’re, like, a genius, aren’t you?” Her voice matched her eyes.

  I sighed and pulled out my biology notes from the previous week. “Are you at least going to give me a clue about what I did?”

  Lisa gave me a wary look, as if determining my sincerity. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised you’re siding with her.” She fluffed her hair. “It obviously didn’t faze you to steal Eli from Jodi.”

  “Steal Eli from Jodi?” I struggled to keep my voice quiet. “They broke up freshman year. And I never pursued Eli. Not to mention that—” I shook my head. “But none of that’s important. Who did I supposedly side with?”

  “Alexis.”

  “Over what?”

  Lisa’s expression showed exasperation. “John.”

  “What about him?”

  “Alexis and John are dating!”

  Realizing she’d spoken much louder than intended, Lisa glanced around the room, her face red. A few students heard and laughed, but most were preoccupied with their own activities.

  “When did that happen?” I asked.

  She narrowed her eyes. “Don’t play that game.”

  “Lisa, I seriously didn’t know.”

  “How could you not know? Everybody who was at James’s party saw them.”

  “I must have already left.”

  “When did you leave?”

  “Around 10:30.”

  She chewed on her lip for a moment, considering this. “You really didn’t know?”

  “Of course not. How long has this been going on?”

  “Since the end of the summer,” Lisa said, her eyes filling with tears. “I guess it’s why he broke up with me. Because of her.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense,” I said. “Wouldn’t we all have noticed?”

  “They’re both just such good liars.” She spit out “liars” like it tasted foul.

  “Maybe this is good,” I said, attempting to soothe. “Now you can finally get over him.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. Who needs either of them?”

  But a minute later when John entered the room and took a seat on the other side, she sagged against me,
deflated.

  It turned out to be a bad relationship day.

  When I arrived at lunch, I found only Eli and John seated at our table. John foolishly met my gaze as I approached, and I fixed him with a withering glare. He sunk lower in his seat. What did Lisa and Alexis even see in him?

  “Where’s everyone else?” I asked.

  “Where else do you girls go for big drama?” Eli said. “Bathroom.”

  I gave John a pointed look. “You are so not worth this.”

  I thought for sure I would walk into the bathroom and find Lisa and Alexis at each other’s throats, but instead, I heard Jodi.

  “. . . like I’d be devastated. Can you believe that?” Her gaze snapped to me as I entered. “Nice of you to join us.”

  “Sorry,” I said, although I wasn’t sure why. “What’s going on?”

  “Like you don’t know.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Whatever.” She pitched a balled-up paper towel into the trash can. “You’re a horrible actress.”

  I looked to the other girls. “What’s going on?”

  No one answered at first. Finally, Lisa cleared her throat. “Jodi and Connor broke up.”

  “Oh, go ahead and say it.” Jodi yanked a new paper towel from the dispenser. “He dumped me.”

  “Connor dumped you?” I asked.

  “What an idiot, right? Does he think he can do better? If it weren’t for me, he couldn’t even hang out with us.” She pointed a threatening finger at me. “You better not let him.”

  “When did this happen?”

  “Like five minutes ago. He sat me down, acting like it was this big deal, like it was somehow going to hurt me to be dumped by him.” She laughed, but it sounded hollow. “Connor. The guy who considers his black Adidas pants dressy.”

  Neither of the other girls seemed interested in speaking.

  “You like him, though, don’t you?” I said, my voice gentle. “It’s okay to feel hurt.”

  “Skylar, it’s Con-nor.” Jodi emphasized each syllable. “I’m not hurt, I’m humiliated he beat me to it. I should’ve dumped him last week. Or before school started. Or I should’ve listened to you and never even given him a chance.”

  “Jo, calm down.”

  “I don’t want to calm down!” She turned away from us and crossed her arms.

  The girls gave me desperate looks. “Would you give us a few minutes alone?” I asked.