by F. Anstey
CHAPTER XII.
Culchard descends from the Clouds.
SCENE--_in Front of the Hotel Bodenhaus at Spluegen. The Diligence ForBellinzona is having its team attached. An elderly Englishwoman issitting on her trunk, trying to run through the last hundred pages of anovel from the Hotel Library before her departure._ PODBURY _is in theHotel, negotiating for sandwiches._ CULCHARD _is practising his Italianupon a very dingy gentleman in smoked spectacles, with a shawl round histhroat._
THE DINGY ITALIAN (_suddenly discovering_ CULCHARD'S _nationality_).Ecco, siete Inglese! Lat us spika Ingelis. I onnerstan' 'im to zebottomside. (_Laboriously, to_ CULCHARD, _who tries to conceal hischagrin._) 'Ow menni time you employ to go since Coire at here? (C._nods with vague encouragement._) Vich manners of vezzer you verepossess troo your travels--mosh ommerella? (C.'s _eyes grow vacant._)Ha, I _tink_ it vood! Zis day ze vicket root sall 'ave plenti 'orse topull, &c., &c. (_Here_ PODBURY _comes up, and puts some rugs in thecoupe of the diligence._) You sit at ze beginning-end, hey? better, youtink, zan ze mizzle? I too, zen, sall ride at ze front--we vill spikaIngelis, altro!
PODB. (_overhearing this, with horror_). One minute, Culchard. (_Hedraws him aside._) I say, for goodness' sake, don't let's have that oldorgan-grinding Johnny in the _coupe_ with _us!_
CULCH. Organ-grinder! you are so _very_ insular! For anything you cantell, he may be a decayed nobleman.
PODB. (_coarsely_). Well, let him decay somewhere else, that's all!Just tell the Conductor to shove him in the _interieur_, do, while Inip into the _coupe_ and keep our places.
[CULCHARD, _on reflection, adopts this suggestion, and the_ ITALIANGENTLEMAN, _after fluttering feebly about the coupe door, isunceremoniously bundled by the_ CONDUCTOR _into the hinder part of thediligence._
* * * * *
IN THE BERNARDINO PASS, DURING THE ASCENT.
CULCH. Glorious view one gets at each fresh turn of the road, Podbury!Look at Hinter-rhein, far down below there, like a toy village, and thatvast desolate valley, with the grey river rushing through it, and thegreen glacier at the end, and these awful snow-covered peaks allround--_look_, man!
AN ELDERLY ENGLISHWOMAN IS SITTING ON HER TRUNK.]
PODB. I'm looking, old chap. It's all there, right enough!
CULCH. (_vexed_). It doesn't seem to be making any particular impressionon you, I must say!
PODB. It's making me deuced peckish, I know that--how about lunch, eh!
CULCH. (_pained_). We are going through scenery like this, and all youthink of is--lunch! (PODBURY _opens a basket.)_ You may give me one ofthose sandwiches. What made you get _veal_? and the bread's all crust,too! Thanks, I'll take some claret.... (_They lunch; the vehiclemeanwhile toils up to the head of the Pass._) Dear me, we're at the topalready! These rocks shut out the valley altogether--much colder at thisheight, eh? Don't you find this keen air most exhilarating?
PODB. (_shivering_). Oh very, do you mind putting your window up?Thanks. You seem uncommon chirpy to-day. Beginning to get _over_ it, eh?
CULCH. We shan't get over it for some hours yet.
PODB. I didn't mean the Pass, I meant--(_hesitating_)--well, your littleaffair with Miss Prendergast, you know.
CULCH. My little affair? Get over? (_He suddenly understands._) Oh, ah,to be sure. Yes, thank you, my dear fellow, it is not making me_particularly_ unhappy. [_He goes into a fit of silent laughter._
PODB. Glad to hear it. (_To himself._) 'Jove, if he only knew what _I_know! [_He chuckles._
CULCH. _You_ don't appear to be exactly heartbroken?
PODB. I? why _should_ I be--about _what_?
CULCH. (_with an affectation of reserve_). Exactly, I was forgetting.(_To himself._) It's really rather humorous. (_He laughs again._) Ha,we're beginning to go down now. Hey for Italy--la bella Italia! (_Thediligence takes the first curve._) Good Heavens, what a turn! We'regoing at rather a sharp pace for downhill, eh? I suppose these Swissdrivers know what they're about, though.
PODB. Oh, yes, generally--when they're not drunk. I can only see thisfellow's boots--but they look to me a trifle squiffy.
CULCH. (_inspecting them, anxiously)_. He does seem to drive veryrecklessly. _Look_ at those leaders--heading right for the precipice....Ah, just saved it! How we do lurch in swinging round!
PODB. Topheavy--I expect, too much luggage on board--have anothersandwich?
CULCH. Not for me, thanks. I say, I wonder if it's safe, having noparapet, only these stone posts, eh?
PODB. Safe enough--unless the wheel catches one--it was as near as atoucher just then--aren't you going to smoke? No? _I_ am. By the way,what were you so amused about just now, eh?
CULCH. _Was_ I amused? (_The vehicle gives another tremendous lurch._)Really, this is _too_ horrible!
PODB. (_with secret enjoyment._) We're right enough, if the horses don'thappen to stumble. That off-leader isn't over sure-footed--did you see_that_? (CULCH. _shudders._) But what's the joke about Miss Prendergast?
CULCH. (_irritably_). Oh, for Heaven's sake, don't bother about that_now_! I've something else to think about. My goodness, we were nearlyover that time! What are you looking at?
PODB. (_who has been leaning forward_). Only one of the traces--they'vedone it up with a penny ball of string, but I dare say it will stand thestrain. You aren't _half_ enjoying the view, old fellow.
CULCH. Yes, I am. Magnificent!--glorious!--isn't it?
PODB. Find you see it better with your eyes shut? But I say, I wishyou'd explain what you were sniggering at.
CULCH. Take my advice, and don't press me, my dear fellow; you mayregret it if you do!
PODB. I'll risk it. It must be a devilish funny joke to tickle you likethat. Come, out with it!
CULCH. Well, if you must know, I was laughing.... Oh, he'll _never_ getthose horses round in.... I was--er--rather amused by your evidentassumption that I must have been _rejected_ by Miss Prendergast.
PODB. Oh, was _that_ it? And you're nothing of the kind, eh?
[_He chuckles again._
CULCH. (_with dignity_). No doubt you will find it very singular; but,as a matter of fact, she--well, she most certainly did not _discourage_my pretensions.
PODB. The deuce she didn't! Did she tell you Ruskin's ideas aboutcourtship being a probation, and ask you if you were ready to be undervow for her, by any chance?
CULCH. This is too bad, Podbury! you must have been there, or youcouldn't possibly know!
PODB. Much obliged, I'm sure. I don't listen behind doors, as a generalthing. I suppose, now, she set you a trial of some kind, to prove yourmettle, eh? [_With another chuckle._
CULCH. (_furiously_). Take care--or I may tell you more than you bargainfor!
PODB. Go on--never mind _me_. Bless you, _I'm_ under vow for her too, mydear boy. Fact!
CULCH. That's impossible, and I can prove it. The service she demandedwas, that I should leave Constance at once--with you. Do youunderstand--with _you_, Podbury!
PODB. (_with a prolonged whistle_). My aunt!
CULCH. (_severely_). You may invoke every female relative you possess inthe world, but it won't alter the fact, and that alone ought to convinceyou----
PODB. Hold on a bit. Wait till you've heard _my_ penance. She told me tocart _you_ off. _Now_, then!
CULCH. (_faintly_). If I thought she'd been trifling with us both likethat, I'd never----
PODB. She's no end of a clever girl, you know. And, after all, she mayonly have wanted time to make up her mind.
CULCH. (_violently_). I tell you _what_ she is--she's a cold-bloodedpedantic prig, and a systematic flirt! I loathe and detest a prig, but aflirt I despise--yes, _despise_, Podbury!
PODB. (_with only apparent irrelevance_). The same to you, and many of'em, old chap! Hullo, we're going to stop at this inn. Let's get out andstretch our legs and have some coffee.
[_They do; on returning, they find the_ ITALIAN GENTLEMAN _smilingblandly at them from inside the coupe._
/> THE IT. G. Goodaby, dear frens, a riverderla! I success at your chairs.I vish you a pleasure's delay!
PODB. But I say, look here, Sir, we're going on, and you've got ourplace!
THE IT. G. Sank you verri moch. I 'ope so.
[_He blows_ PODBURY _a kiss._
PODB. (_with intense disgust_). How on earth are we going to get thatbeggar out? Set the Conductor at him, Culchard, do--you can talk thelingo best!
CULCH. (_who has had enough of_ PODBURY _for the present_). Talk to himyourself, my dear fellow, _I_'m not going to make a row. [_He gets in._
PODB. (_to_ CONDUCTOR). Hi! sprechen sie Franzoesisch, oder was? _il-y-aquelque chose dans mon siege, dites-lui de_--what the deuce is theFrench for "clear out"?
COND. _Montez, Monsieur, nous bartons, montez vite alors!_
[_He thrusts_ PODBURY, _protesting vainly, into the interieur, with twopeasants, a priest, and the elderly Englishwoman. The diligence startsagain._