by F. Anstey
CHAPTER XIII.
On revient Toujours!
SCENE--_A hundred yards or so from the top of Monte Generoso, above LakeLugano._ CULCHARD, _who, with a crowd of other excursionists, has madethe ascent by rail, is toiling up the steep and very slippery slope tothe summit._
CULCH. (_to himself, as he stops to pant_). _More_ climbing! I thoughtthis line was supposed to go to the top! But that's Italian allover--hem--as Podbury would say! Wonder, by the way, if he expected tobe asked to come with me. I've no reason for sacrificing myself likethat any longer! (_He sighs._) Ah, Hypatia, if you could know what adreary disenchanted blank you have made of my life! And I who believedyou capable of appreciating such devotion as mine!
A VOICE BEHIND. My! If I don't know that back I'll just give up! How've_you_ been getting along all this time, Mr. Culchard?
CULCH. (_turning_). Miss Trotter! A most delightful and--er--unexpectedmeeting, indeed!
MISS TROTTER. Well, we came up on the cars in front of yours. We'vetaken rooms at the hotel up here. Poppa reckoned the air would be kindof fresher on the top of this mountain, and I don't believe but whathe's right either. I guess I shall want another hairpin through _my_hat. And are you still going around with Mr. Podbury? As inseparable asever, I presume?
CULCH. Er--_about_ as inseparable. That is, we are still travellingtogether--only, on this particular afternoon----
MISS T. He went and got mislaid? I see. He used to stray considerableover in Germany, didn't he? Well, I'm real pleased to see _you_ anyway.And how's the poetry been panning out? I hope you've had a pretty goodyield of sonnets?
CULCH. (_to himself_). She's really grown distinctly prettier. She mightshow a little more _feeling_, though, considering we were almost, if notquite----(_Aloud._) So you remember my poor poems? I'm afraid I have notbeen very--er--prolific of late.
MISS T. You don't say! I should think you'd have had one to show forevery day, with the date to it, like a new-laid egg.
CULCH. Birds don't lay--er--I mean they don't _sing_, in the dark. Mylight has been--er--lacking of late.
MISS T. If that's intended for me, you ought to begin chirping rightaway. But you're not going to tell me you've been "lounjun round ensufferin'" like--wasn't it _Uncle Remus's_ Brer Terrapin? (_Catching_C.'S _look of bewilderment._) What, don't you know _Uncle Remus?_
CULCH. (_politely_). Mr. Trotter is the only relation of yours I havehad the pleasure of meeting, as yet.
MISS T. Why, I reckoned _Uncle Remus_ was pretty most everybody'srelation by now. He's a book. But likely you've no use for our nationalhumorous literature?
CULCH. I--er--must confess I seldom waste time over the humorousliterature of _any_ nation.
MISS T. I guess that accounts for your gaiety! There, don't you mind_me_, Mr. Culchard. But suppose we hurry along and inspect this panoramathey talk so much of; it isn't going to be any side-show. It's just areal representative mass-meeting of Swiss mountains, with everyprominent peak in the country on the platform, and a deputation downbelow from the leading Italian lakes. It's ever so elegant,--and there'sPoppa around on the top too.
_On the top. Tourists discovered making more or less appropriateremarks._
STRUGGLING WITH A LONG PRINTED PANORAMA.]
FIRST TOURIST (_struggling with a long printed panorama, which flapslike a sail_). Grand view, Sir, get 'em all from here, you see! MonteRosa, Matterhorn, Breithorn----
[_Works through them all conscientiously, until, much to everybody'srelief, his panorama escapes into space._
SECOND T. (_a lady, with the air of a person making a discovery_). Howwonderfully small everything looks down below!
THIRD T. (_a British Matron, with a talent for incongruity_). Yes,dear, very--_quite_ worth coming all this way for; but as I was tellingyou, we've always been accustomed to such an evangelical service, sothat our new Rector is really _rather_--but we're quite _friendly_ ofcourse; go there for tennis, and he dines with us, and all that. Still,I _do_ think, when it comes to having lighted candles in broad_daylight_----(_&c., &c._)
FOURTH T. (_an equally incongruous American_). Wa'al, yes, they show upwell, cert'nly, those peaks do. But I was about to remark, Sir, I wentto that particular establishment on Fleet Street. I called for a chop.And when it came, I don't deny I felt disappointed, for the plate allaround was just as _dry_--! But the moment I struck a fork into thatchop, Sir,--well, the way the gravy just came _gushing_ out was--there,it ain't no use me trying to put it in words! But from that instant,Sir, I kinder realized the peculiar charm of your British chop.
FIFTH T. (_a discontented Teuton_). I exbected more as zis. It is nodglear enough--nod at all. Zey dolt me from ze dop you see Milan. I lookall aroundt. Novere I see Milan! And I lief my obera-glass behint me inze drain, and I slib on ze grass and sbrain my mittle finger, andaltogedder I do not vish I had com.
MISS T. (_presenting_ CULCHARD _to_ MR. CYRUS K. T.). I guess you've met_this_ gentleman before!
MR. T. Well now, that's _so_. I didn't just reckon I'd meet him againall this way above the sea-level though, but I'm just as pleased to seehim. Rode up on the cars, I presume, Sir? Tolerable hilly road all theway, _ain't_ it now? There cann't anybody say we hain't made the most of_our_ time since you left us. Took a run over to Berlin; had two hoursand a haff in that city, and I dunno as I keered about making a morepro-tracted visit. Went right through to Vi-enna, saw round Vi-enna. Idid want, being so near, to just waltz into Turkey and see that. But Iguess Turkey 'll have to keep till next time. Then back again intoSwitzerland, for I do seem to have kinder taken a fancy to Switzerland.I'd like to have put in more time there, and we stayed best part of aweek too! But Italy's an interesting place. Yes, I'm gettingconsiderable interested in Italy, so far as I've got. There's Genevanow----
MISS T. You do beat anything for mixing up places, Father. And youdon't want to be letting yourself loose on Mr. Culchard this way. You'dbetter go and bring Mr. Van Boodeler along; he's round somewhere.
MR. T. I do like slinging off when I meet a friend; but I'll shut down,Maud, I'll shut down.
MISS T. Oh, there you are, Charley! Come right here, and be introducedto Mr. Culchard. He's a vurry intelligent man. My cousin, Mr. CharlesVan Boodeler,--Mr. Culchard. Mr. Van Boodeler's intelligent too. He'sgoing to write our great National Amurrcan novel, soon as ever he hastime for it. That's so, isn't it?
MR. V. B. (_a slim, pale young man, with a cosmopolitan air and alanguid drawl_). It's our most pressing national need, Sir, and I havelong cherished the intention of supplying it. I am collecting material,and, when the psychological moment arrives, I shall write that novel.And I believe it will be a big thing, a very big thing; I mean to makeit a complete compendium of every phase of our great and complicatedcivilization from State to State and from shore to shore. [CULCHARD_bows vaguely_.
MISS T. Yes, and the great Amurrcan public are going to rise up in theirmillions and boom it. Only I don't believe they'd better start boomingjust yet, till there's something more than covers to that novel. And howyou're going to collect material for an Amurrcan novel, flying roundEurope, just beats _me_!
MR. V. B. (_with superiority_). Because you don't realize that it'sprecisely in Europe that I find my best American types. Our citizensshow up better against a European background,--it excites and stimulatestheir nationality, so to speak. And again, with a big subject like mine,you want to step back to get the proper focus. Now I'm _stepping_ back.
MISS T. I guess it's more like skipping, Charley. But so long as you'rehaving a good time! And here's Mr. Culchard will fix you up some sonnetsfor headings to the chapters. You needn't begin _right_ away, Mr.Culchard; I guess there's no hurry. But we get talking and _talking_,and never look at anything. I don't call it encouraging the scenery, andthat's a fact!
MR. T. (_later, to_ CULCHARD). And you're pretty comfortable at yourhotel? Well, I dunno, after all, what there is to keep _us_ here. Iguess we'll go down again and stop at Lugano, eh, Maud?
[CULCHARD
_eagerly awaits her reply_.
MISS T. I declare! After bringing all my trunks way up here! But I'djust as soon move down as not; they're not unpacked any. (_Joy of_ C.)Seems a pity, too, after engaging rooms here. And they looked real nice.Mr. Culchard, don't you and Mr. Podbury want to come up here and takethem? They've a perfectly splendid view, and then we could have yours,you know! (C. _cannot conceal his chagrin at this suggestion_.) Well,see here, Poppa, we'll go along and try if we can't square thehotel-clerk and get our baggage on the cars again, and then we'll seejust how we feel about it. I'm purrfectly indifferent either way.
CULCH. (_to himself, as he follows_). Can she be really as indifferentas she seems? I'm afraid she has very little heart! But if only she canbe induced to go back to Lugano.... She will be at the same hotel--agreat point! I wish that fellow Van Boodeler wasn't coming too,though.... Not that they've settled to come at all yet!... Still, Ifancy she likes the idea.... She'll come--if I don't appear too anxiousabout it!
[_He walks on, trying to whistle carelessly._