by F. Anstey
CHAPTER XV.
+Culchard comes out Nobly.+
SCENE--_The Table d'Hote at Lugano_; CULCHARD _has not yet caught_ MISSPRENDERGAST'S _eye_.
CULCHARD (_to_ MR. BELLERBY). Have you--ah--been up Monte Generoso yet?
MR. B. No. (_After reflecting._) No, I haven't. But I was greatly struckby its remarkably bold outline from below. Indeed, I dashed off a roughsketch of it on the back of one of my visiting cards. I ought to have itsomewhere about me now. (_Searching himself._) Ah, I thought so!(_Handing a vague little scrawl to_ CULCHARD, _who examines it with thedeepest interest_.) I knock off quite a number of these while I'm abroadlike this. Send 'em in letters to relatives at home--gives them a notionof the place. They are--ar--kind enough to value them. (CULCHARD _makesa complimentary mumble_.) Yes, I'm a very rapid sketcher. Put me withregular artists, and give us half an hour, and I--ar--venture to say Ishould be on terms with them. Make it _three_ hours, and--well, I daresay I shouldn't be in it.
PODBURY (_who has dropped into the chair next to_ MISS PRENDERGAST _andher brother_). Bob, old chap, I'll come in the middle, if you don'tmind. I say, this _is_ ripping--no idea of coming across you so soon asthis. (_Lowering his voice, to_ MISS P.) Still pegging away at my"penance," you see!
MISS PREND. The pleasure is more than mutual; but do I understand thatMr.----? So _tiresome_, I left my glasses up in my room!
[_She peers up and down the line of faces on her own side of thetable._
MISS T. (_to_ CULCH.). I want you should notice that girl. I think shelooks just as nice as she can be, don't you?
"I KNOCK OFF QUITE A NUMBER OF THESE WHILE I'M ABROADLIKE THIS."]
CULCH. (_carefully looking in every other direction_).I--er--mumble--mumble--don't exactly----
[_Here a Waiter offers him a dish containing layers of soles disguisedunder brown sauce_; CULCHARD _mangles it with an ineffectual spoon. TheWaiter, with pitying contempt_, "_Tut-tut-tut! Pesce, Signore--feesh!_"CULCH. _eventually lands a sole in a very damaged condition_.
PODB. (_to_ MISS P.). No--not this side--just opposite. (_Here_ CULCH.,_in fingering a siphon which is remarkably stiff on the trigger,contrives to send a spray across the table and sprinkle_ MISSPRENDERGAST, _her brother, and_ PODBURY, _with impartial liberality_)._Now_ don't you see him? As playful as ever, isn't he! Don't try to makeout it was an accident, old fellow. Miss Prendergast knows you! [_Miseryof_ CULCHARD.
MISS P. (_graciously_). Pray don't apologize, Mr. Culchard; not theleast harm done! You must forgive me for not recognizing you before, butyou know of old how provokingly short-sighted I am, and I've forgottenmy glasses.
CULCH. (_indistinctly_). I--er--not at all ... most distressed, I assureyou ... really no notion----
MISS T. (_in an undertone_). Say, you _know_ her, then? And you neverlet on!
CULCH. Didn't I? Oh, surely! yes, I've--er--_met_ that lady. (_Withgrateful deference to_ MR. BELLERBY, _who has just addressed him._) Youare an Art-Collector? Indeed? And--er--have you--er--?
MR. B. I've the three finest Bodgers in the kingdom, Sir, and there's aGubbins--a _Joe_ Gubbins, mind you, not _John_--that's hanging now inthe morning-room of my place in the country that I wouldn't take athousand pounds for! I go about using my eyes, and pick 'em up cheap.Cheapest picture _I_ ever bought was a Prout--thirty-two by twenty; gotit for two pound ten! Unfinished, of course, but it only wanted thecolour being brought up to the edge. _I_ did that. Took me half a day,and _now_--well, any dealer would give me hundreds for it! But I shallleave it to the nation, out of respect for Prout's memory.
BOB PR. (_to_ PODBURY). Yes, came over by the St. Gothard. Who is thatgirl who was talking to Culchard just now? Do you know her? I say, Iwish you'd introduce me some time.
MISS T. (_to_ CULCHARD). You don't seem vurry bright this evening. I'dlike you to converse with your friend opposite, so I could get a chanceto chip in. I'm ever so interested in that girl!
CULCH. Presently--presently, if I have an opportunity. (_Hastily to_ MR.B.) I gather that you paint yourself, Sir?
MR. B. Well, yes. I assure you I often go to a Gallery, see a picturethere that takes my fancy, go back to my office, and paint it in half anhour from memory--so like the original that, if it were framed, and hungup alongside, it would puzzle the man who painted it to know t'otherfrom which! I have indeed! I paint original pictures, too. Mostimportant thing I ever did was--let me see now--three feet by two andthree-quarters. I was most successful in getting an effect ofrose-coloured snow against the sky. I sponged it up, and--well, it cameright somehow. _Luck_, that was, not skill, you know. I sent thatpicture to the Royal Academy, and they did me the honour to--ar--rejectit.
CULCH. (_vaguely_). An--er--honour, indeed.--(_In despair, as_ MR. B._rises._)--You----You're not _going!_
MR. B. (_consolingly_). Only into the garden, for coffee. I observe youare interested in Art. We will--ar--resume this conversation later.
[_Rises_; MISS PRENDERGAST _rises too, and goes towards the garden._
CULCH. (_as he follows, hastily_). I must get this business over--if Ican. But I wish I knew exactly _how_ much to tell her. It's really veryawkward--between the two of them. I'm afraid I've been a little tooprecipitate.
IN THE GARDEN; A FEW MINUTES LATER.
MISS PREND. (_who has retired to fetch her glasses--with graciousplayfulness_). Well, Mr. Culchard, and how has my knight performed hislady's behests?
CULCH. May I ask _which_ knight you refer to?
MISS P. (_slightly changing countenance_). Which! Then--you know thereis another? Surely there is nothing in that circumstance to--tooffend--or hurt you?
CULCH. Offended? (_Considers whether this would be a good line totake._) Hardly _that_. Hurt? Well, I confess to being pained--very muchpained, to discover that I was unconsciously pitted--against Podbury!
MISS P. But why? I have expressed no preference as yet. You can scarcelyhave become so attached to him that you dread the result of a successfulrivalry!
CULCH. (_to himself_). It's a loop-hole--I'll try it. (_Aloud._) Youhave divined my feeling exactly. In--er--obeying your commands, I havelearned to know Podbury better--to see in him a sterling nature, moreworthy, in some respects, than my own. And I know how deeply he hascentred all his hopes upon you, Miss Prendergast. Knowing, seeing thatas I--er--_do_, I feel that--whatever it costs me--I cannot run the riskof wrecking the--er--life's happiness of so good a fellow. So you mustreally allow me to renounce vows accepted under--er--an imperfectcomprehension of the--er--facts! [_Wipes his brow._
MISS P. This is quite too Quixotic. Reflect, Mr. Culchard. Is such asacrifice demanded of you? I assure you I am perfectly neutral atpresent. I _might_ prefer Mr. Podbury. I _really_ don't know. And--and Idon't _like_ losing one of my suitors like this!
CULCH. Don't tempt me! I--I mustn't listen, I cannot. No, I renounce. Bekind to Podbury--try to recognize the good in him ... he is so devotedto you--make him happy, if you can!
MISS P. (_affected_). I--I really can't tell you how touched I am, Mr.Culchard. I can guess what this renunciation must have cost you. It--itgives me a better opinion of human nature ... it does, indeed!
CULCH. (_loftily, as she rises to go in_). Ah, Miss Prendergast, _don't_lose your faith in human nature! Trust me, it is--er--full of surprises!(_Alone._) Now am I an abominable humbug, or what? I swear I felt everyword I said, at the time. Curious psychological state to be in. But I'mout of what might have been a very unpleasant mess, at all events!
MISS T. (_coming upon him from round a corner_). Well, I'm _sure_, Mr.Culchard!
CULCH. You are a young lady of naturally strong convictions, I am aware.But what are you so sure of at the present moment?
MISS T. Well, I guess I'm not just as sure of _you_ as I should like tobe, anyway. Seems to me, considering you've been so vurry inconsolableaway from me, you'd a good deal to say to that young lady in the patentfolders. And I'd like an explanation--you're right down splendid atexplaining most things.
C
ULCH. (_with virtuous indignation_). So you actually suspect me ofhaving carried on a flirtation!
MISS T. I guess girls don't use their pocket-handkerchiefs that way overthe weather. Who _is_ she, anyway?
CULCH. (_calmly_). If you insist on knowing, she is the lady to whom Mr.Podbury has every prospect of being engaged. I hope your mind is at ease_now_?
MISS T. Well, I expect my mind would have stood the strain as it was--soit's Mr. Podbury who's her admirer? See here, you're going to introduceme to that girl right away. It's real romantic, and I'm perfectly dyingto make her acquaintance!
CULCH. Hum--well. She is--er--_peculiar_, don't you know, and I ratherdoubt whether you will have much in common.
MISS T. Well, if you don't introduce me, I shall introduce myself,that's all.
CULCH. By all means. (_To himself._) Not if _I_ can prevent it, though!