by F. Anstey
CHAPTER XVII.
Culchard cannot be "Happy with Either."
SCENE--_Under the Colonnade of the Hotel Grande Bretagne, Bellagio._ CULCHARD _is sitting by one of the pillars, engaged in constructing a sonnet. On a neighbouring seat a group of smart people are talking over their acquaintances, and near them is another visitor, a_ MR. CRAWLEY STRUTT, _who is watching his opportunity to strike into the conversation._
MRS. HURLINGHAM. Well, she'll _be_ Lady Chesepare some day, whenanything happens to the old Earl. He was looking quite ghastly when wewere down at Skympings last. But they're frightfully badly off _now_,poor dears! Lady Driblett lets them have her house in Park Lane forparties and that--but it's wonderful how they live at all!
COLONEL SANDOWN. He looked pretty fit at the Rag the other day. Comeacross the Senlacs anywhere? Thought Lady Senlac was going abroad thisyear.
MR. CRAWLEY STRUTT. Hem--I saw it mentioned in the _Penny Patrician_that her Ladyship had----
MRS. HURL. (_without taking the slightest notice of him_). She's justbeen marryin' her daughter, you know--rather a good match, too. Not whatI call pretty,--smart-lookin', that's all. But then her _sister_ wasn'tpretty till she married.
COL. SAND. Nice family she married into! Met her father-in-law, old LordBletherham, the other morning, at a chemist's in Piccadilly--he'ddropped in there for a pick-me-up; and there he was, tellin' the chemistall the troubles he'd had with his other sons marryin' the way theydid, and that. Rum man to go and confide in his chemist, but he's likethat--fond of the vine!
MR. C. S. Er--her--it's becoming a very serious thing, Sir, the way ouraristocracy is deteriorating, is it not?
"I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE ACQUAINTED WITH A PAPER CALLEDTHE 'PENNY PATRICIAN'?"]
COL. S. Is it? What have they been up to now, eh? Haven't seen a paperfor days.
MR. C. S. I mean these mixed marriages, and, well, their general goingson. I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called the _PennyPatrician_? I take it in regularly, and I assure _you_--loyal supporterof our old hereditary institutions as I am--some of the revelations Iread about in high life make me blush--yes, downright _blush_ for them!
[MRS. HURLINGHAM _retires_.
COL. S. Do they, though? If I were you I should let 'em do their ownblushin', and save my pennies.
MR. C. S. (_deferentially_). No doubt you're right, Sir, but I _like_the _Patrician_ myself--it's very smartly written. Talking of that, doyou happen to know the ins and outs of that marriage of young LordGoslington's? Something very mysterious about the party he's going tomarry--who _are_ her people now?
COL. S. Can't say, I'm sure--no business of mine, you know.
MR. C. S. There I venture to think you're wrong, Sir. It's the businessof everybody--the _duty_, I may say--to see that the best blood of thenation is not----(COL. S. _turns into the hotel_; MR. C. S. _sits downnear_ CULCH.)--Remarkably superior set of visitors staying here, Sir! Mychief objection to travel always is, that it brings you in contact withparties you wouldn't think of associating with at home. I was makingthat same remark to a very pleasant little fellow I met on thesteamer--er--Lord Uppersole, I think it was--and he entirely concurred.Your friend made us acquainted.--(PODBURY _comes out of thehotel_.)--Ah, here _is_ your friend,--(_To_ PODB.)--Seen his Lordshipabout lately, Sir?--Lord Uppersole I _mean_, of course!
PODB. Uppersole? No--he's over at Cadenabbia, I believe.
MR. C. S. A highly agreeable spot to stay at. Indeed, I've some ideamyself of----Exceedingly pleasant person his Lordship--so affable, socompletely the gentleman!
PODB. Oh, he's affable enough--for a boot-maker. I always give him atitle when I see him, for the joke of the thing--he likes it.
MR. C. S. _He_ may, Sir. I consider a title is not a thing to be treatedin that light manner. It--it was an unpardonable liberty to force meinto the society of that class of person--unpardonable, Sir!
[_He goes._
PODB. Didn't take much _forcing_, after he once heard me call him "LordUppersole"! Where are all the others, eh? Thought we were going up tothe Villa Serbelloni this afternoon.
CULCH. I--er--have not been consulted. Are they--er--_all_ going?
[_With a shade of anxiety._
PODB. I believe so. You needn't be afraid, you know. Hypatia won't havethe chance of ragging you now--she and Miss Trotter have had a bit of abreeze.
CULCH. I rather gathered as much. I think I could guess the----
PODB. Yes, Hypatia's rather uneasy about poor old Bob; thinks MissTrotter is--well, carrying on, you know. She is no end of a littleflirt--_you_ know that well enough!--(C. _disclaims impatiently_.) Hereyou all are, eh?--(_To_ MISS P., MISS T., _and_ BOB.)--Well, who knowsthe way up to the villa?
MISS T. It's through the town, and up some steps by the church--youcan't miss it. But Mr. Prendergast is going to show me a short cut upbehind the hotel--aren't you, Mr. Prendergast?
MISS P. (_icily_). I really think, dear, it would be better if we allkept together--for so _many_ reasons!
CULCH. (_with alacrity_). I agree with Miss Prendergast. A short cut isinvariably the most indirect route.
MISS P. (_with intention_). You hear what Mr. Culchard says, my dearMaud? He advocates direct ways, as best in the long run.
MISS T. It's only going to be a short run, my love. But I'm vurry gladto observe that you and Mr. Culchard are so perfectly harmonious, as I'mleaving him on your hands for a spell. Aren't you ever coming, Mr.Prendergast? [_She leads him off, a not unwilling captive._
A PATH IN THE GROUNDS OF THE VILLA SERBELLONI.
PODB. (_considerately, to_ CULCHARD, _who is following_ MISS PRENDERGAST_and him, in acute misery_). Look here, old fellow, Miss Prendergastwould like to sit down, I know; so don't you bother about keeping withus if you'd rather _not_, you know! [CULCHARD _murmurs an inarticulateprotest_.
MISS P. Surely, Mr. Podbury, you are aware by this time that Mr.Culchard has a perfect mania for self-sacrifice!
[CULCHARD _drops behind, crushed_.
AMONG THE RUINS AT THE TOP OF THE HILL.
CULCH. (_who has managed to overtake_ MISS T. _and her companion_). Now_do_ oblige me by looking through that gap in the pines towards Lecco. Iparticularly wish you to observe the effect of light on thosecliffs--it's well worth your while.
MISS T. Why, certainly, it's a view that does you infinite credit. Oh,you _didn't_ take any hand in the arrangement? But ain't you afraid ifyou go around patting the scenery on the head this way, you'll have thelake overflow?
BOB P. Ha-ha-ha! One in the eye for _you_, Culchard!
CULCH. (_with dignity_). Surely one may express a natural enthusiasmwithout laying oneself open----?
MISS T. Gracious, yes! I should hope you wouldn't want to show yourenthusiasm _that_ way--like a Japanese nobleman!
CULCH. (_to himself_). Now that's coarse--_really_coarse!--(_Aloud._)--I seem to be unable to open my mouth now withoutsome ridiculous distortion----
MISS T. My!--but that's a serious symptom--isn't it? You don't feel likeyou were going to have lock-jaw, do you, Mr. Culchard?
[CULCHARD _falls back to the rear once more. Later_--MR. VAN BOODELER _has joined the party_; HYPATIA _has contrived to detach her brother_. CULCHARD _has sought refuge with_ PODBURY.
MISS T. (_to_ VAN B.). So that's what kept you? Well, it sounds just tooenchanting. But I cann't answer for what Miss Prendergast will say toit. It mayn't suit her notions of propriety.
MR. VAN B. I expect she'll be superior to Britannic prejudices of thatkind. I consider your friend a highly cultivated and charming lady,Maud. She produces that impression upon me.
MISS T. I presume, from that, she has shown an intelligent interest inthe great Amurrcan novel?
MR. VAN B. Why, yes; it enlists her literary sympathies--she sees allits possibilities.
MISS T. And they're pretty numerous, too. But here she comes. You'dbetter tell her your plan right now.
MISS P. (_in an earn
est undertone to_ BOB, _as they approach, followedby_ CULCH. _and_ POD.). You _must_ try and be sensible about it, Bob; if_you_ are too blind to see that she is only----
BOB (_sulkily_). All _right!_ Haven't I _said_ I'd go? What's the goodof _jawing_ about it?
MR. V. B. (_to_ MISS P.). I've been telling my cousin I've beenorganising a little water-party for this evening--moonlight, mandolins,Menaggio. If you find the alliteration has any attractions, I hope youand your brother will do me the pleasure of----
MISS P. I'm afraid not, thanks. We have all our packing to do. We findwe shall have to leave early to-morrow.
[VAN B.'s _face falls_; BOB _listens gloomily to_ MISS T.'s _rather perfunctory expressions of regret_; PODBURY _looks anxious and undecided_; CULCHARD _does his best to control an unseemly joy_.