by F. Anstey
CHAPTER XX.
+Put not your Faith in 'Fidibus.'+
SCENE--_The interior of a covered gondola, which is conveying_ CULCHARD_and_ PODBURY _from the Railway Station to the Hotel Dandolo, Venice.The gondola is gliding with a gentle sidelong heave under shadowybridges of stone and cast-iron, round sharp corners, and past mysteriousblank walls, and old scroll-work gateways, which look ghostly in themoonlight._
CULCH. (_looking out of the felze window, and quoting conscientiously_).
"I saw from out the wave her structures rise, As from the stroke of the enchanter's wand."
PODB. For rest, see guide-books, _passim_, eh? Hanged if _I_ can see anystructures with this thing on, though! Let's have it off, eh? (_Hecrawls out and addresses_ GONDOLIER _across the top._) _Hi! Otez-moiceci. entendez-vous?_ (_Drums on roof of felze with fists; the_GONDOLIER _replies in a torrent of Italian_.) Now a London cabby wouldsee what I wanted at once. This chap's a fool!
CULCH. He probably imagines you are merely expressing your satisfactionwith Venice. And I don't see how you expect him to remove the entirecabin here! (PODBURY _crawls in again, knocking his head_.) I think wedid well to let the--the others travel on first. More _dignified_, youknow!
PODB. Um--don't see any particular dignity in missing the train, myself!
CULCH. They won't know it was not intentional. And I think, Podbury, weshould go on--er--asserting ourselves a little while by holding ratheraloof. It will show them that we don't mean to put up with----
"HI! OTEZ-MOI CECI!"]
PODB. Don't see that either. Not going to let that beast, Van Boodeler,have it _all_ his own way!
CULCH. Surely you know he decided suddenly to stay at Vicenza? He saidso at breakfast. But I will _not_ have your friend Bob perpetually----
PODB. At breakfast? Oh, I came down late. Vicenza, eh? Then _he's_ outof it! Hooray! But as for Bob, _he's_ all right too. Oh, I forgot youcut _dejeuner_. Hypatia had another squabble with Miss Trotter, and poorold Bob got dragged into it as usual, and now they ain't on speakingterms.
CULCH. (_overjoyed_). You don't say so! Then all _I_ can say, Podbury,is that if we two can't manage, in a place like this, to recover all theground we have lost----
PODB. More water than ground in a place like this, eh? But _I_ know whatyou mean--we _must_ be duffers if we don't leave Venice engagedmen--which we're not as yet, worse luck!
CULCH. No--but we _shall_ be, if we only insist upon being treatedseriously.
PODB. She treats me a devilish deal _too_ seriously, my boy. But there,never mind--things will go better now!
SCENE--_A double-bedded room in the Grand Hotel Dandolo, which_ PODBURY_and_ CULCHARD _have to share for the night._
PODB. (_from his bed, suspiciously, to_ CULCHARD, _who is setting fireto a small pastille in a soap-dish_). I say, old chappie, bar_fireworks_, you know! What the deuce _are_ you up to over there?
CULCH. Lighting a "fidibus." Splendid thing to drive out mosquitoes.(_The pastille fizzes, and begins to emit a dense white smoke, and asuffocating odour._)
PODB. (_bounding_). Mosquitoes! It would drive a _dragon_ out. Phew--ah!(CULCHARD _closes the window_.) You _don't_ mean to say you're going toshut me up in this infernal reek on a stifling night like this?
CULCH. If I didn't, the mosquitoes would come in again.
PODB. Come in? With that pastille doing the young Vesuvius! _Do_ youthink a mosquito's a born fool? (_He jumps out and opens the window._)I'm not going to be smoked like a wasp's nest, _I_ can tell you!
CULCH. (_calmly shutting it again, as_ PODBURY _returns to bed_). You'llbe grateful to me by-and-by.
[_Slips between his mosquito curtains in a gingerly manner, and switchesoff the electric light. A silence._
PODB. I say, you ain't asleep, are you? Think we shall see anything ofthem to-morrow, eh?
CULCH. See? I can _hear_ one singing in my ear at this moment.(_Irritably._) You _would_ open the window!
PODB. (_sleepily_). Not mosquitoes. I meant Hypatia, andthe--haw--yaw--Trotters.
CULCH. How can _I_ tell? (_Second silence._) Podbury! What did I _tell_you? One's just bitten me--the _beast_! (_He turns on the light, andslaps about frantically_). I say, I can hear him buzzing all over theplace!
PODB. So can I hear _you_ buzzing. How the dickens is a fellow to get tosleep while you're playing Punch and Judy in there?
CULCH. He's got me on the nose now! There's a lot outside. Just turn offthe light, will you? I daren't put my arm out. (_To_ Mosquito.) Youbrute! (_To_ PODB.) Podbury, _do_ switch off the light--like a goodfellow!
PODB. (_dreamily_). Glass up, Gondolier ... stifling in this cab ...drive me ... nearest Doge. [_He snores._
CULCH. Brutal selfishness! (_Turns out the light himself._) Now if I canonly get off to sleep while that little beast is quiet----
MOSQUITO (_ironically, in his ear_). Ping-a-wing-wing!
_Same Scene; the next morning._
CULCH. (_drawing_ PODBURY'S _curtains_). Here, wake up, Podbury--it'sjust eight. (PODBURY _sits up, and rubs his eyes_.) I've had a_horrible_ night, my dear fellow! I'm stung to such an extent! But(_hopefully_) I suppose there's nothing to _show_ particularly, eh?
[_Presenting his countenance for inspection._
PODB. Not much of your original features, old fellow! (_He roars withlaughter._) You've got a pair of cheeks like a raised map!
CULCH. It--it's going _down_. Nothing to what it _was_, half an hourago!
PODB. Then I'm jolly glad you didn't call me earlier, that's all!
CULCH. It does feel a little inflamed. I wonder if I could get alittle--er--violet powder, or something----?
PODB. (_with a painful want of sympathy_). Violet powder! Buy a blueveil--a good thick one!
CULCH. What sort of impression _do_ you suppose I should get of Venicewith a blue veil on?
PODB. Can't say--but a pleasanter one than Venice will get of you_without_ it. You don't mean to face the fair Miss Trotter while you'relike _that_, do you?
CULCH. (_with dignity_). Most certainly I _do_. I am much mistaken inMiss Trotter if she will attach the slightest importance to a meretemporary--er--disfigurement. These swellings never do last long. _Do_they now?
PODB. Oh, not more than a month or so, I dare say, if you can keep fromtouching them. (_He laughs again._) Excuse me, old chap, but I just gotyou in a new light. Those mosquitoes have paid you out for thatpastille--by Jove, they have!
LANDING-STEPS AND ENTRANCE OF THE HOTEL.
NINE A.M.
CULCH. (_coming out a little self-consciously, and finding_ MR.TROTTER). Ah, good morning! What are your--er--impressions of Venice,Mr. Trotter?
MR. TROTTER (_thoughtfully_). Well, I'm considerable struck with it,Sir. There's a purrfect freshness and novelty about Vernis that'samusing to a stranger like myself. We've nothing just like this city outWest. No, _Sir_. And how are--(_Becomes aware of_ CULCHARD'S_appearance_.) Say, _you_ don't look like your slumbers had been oneunbroken ca'm, either! The mosquitoes hev been powerful active makin'alterations in you. Perseverin' and industrious insects, Sir! Me and mydarter have been for a loaf round before breakfast. I dunno if you'veseen _her_ yet, she's----
MISS T. (_coming out from behind_). Poppa, they've fixed up ourbreakf--(_Sees_ CULCHARD, _and turns away, covering her face_). Don'tyou turn your head in _this_ direction, Mr. Culchard, or I guess I'llexpire right away!
CULCH. (_obeying, wounded_). I confess I did _not_ think a fewmosquito-bites would have quite such an effect upon you!
MISS T. You're vurry polite, I'm sure! But I possess a hand-mirror; and,if you cann't bear to look me in the face, you'd better keep away!
CULCH. (_takes a hasty glance, and discovers, with a shock, that she isalmost as much disfigured as himself_). Oh, I--I wasn't----(_With aneffort of politeness._) Er--I hope _you_ haven't been inconvenienced atall?
MISS T. Inconvenienced! With haff a dozen healthy mosquitoes springing asurprise party on me all night! I should gues
s _so_. (_Noticing_ C.'S_face_.) But what in the land have you been about? Well, if that isn'treal _tact_ now! I reckoned I'd been dealt a full hand in spots; but nowI've seen you, I guess there's a straight flush against me, and I canjust throw up. But you don't play Poker, _do_ you? Come along in, Poppa,do. [_She goes in with_ MR. T.
CULCH. (_alone, disenchanted_). I could _not_ have believed any amountof bites could have made such a terrible difference in her. She lookspositively _plain_! I do trust they're not _permanent_, or really----!
[_He gazes meditatively down on the lapping water._