by F. Anstey
CHAPTER XXI.
+Wearing Rue with a Difference.+
SCENE--_The Steps of the Hotel Dandolo, about_ 11 A.M. PODBURY _islooking expectantly down the Grand Canal_, CULCHARD _is leaning upon theBalustrade_.
PODB. Yes, met Bob just now. They've gone to the Europa, but we'vearranged to take a gondola together, and go about. They're to pick me uphere. Ah, that looks rather like them. (_A gondola approaches, with_MISS PRENDERGAST _and_ BOB; PODBURY _goes down the steps to meet them_.)How are you, Miss Prendergast? Here I _am_, you see.
MISS P. (_ignoring_ C.'S _salute_). How do you do, Mr. Podbury? Surelyyou don't propose to go out in a gondola in _that_ hat!
PODB. (_taking off a brown "pot-hat," and inspecting it_). It--it'squite _decent_. It was new when I came away!
BOB (_who is surly this morning_). Hang it all, Patia! Do you want himto come out in a chimney-pot? Jump in, old fellow, never mind your tile?
PODB. (_apologetically_). I had a straw once--but I sat on it. I'mawfully sorry, Miss Prendergast. Look here, shall I go and see if I canbuy one?
MISS P. Not now--it doesn't signify, for once. But a round hat and agondola are really _too_ incongruous!
PODB. Are they? A lot of the Venetians seem to wear 'em. (_He stepsin._) Now what are we going to do--just potter about?
MISS P. One hardly comes to Venice to _potter_! I thought we'd go andstudy the Carpaccios at the Church of the Schiavoni first--they won'ttake us more than an hour or so; then cross to San Giorgio Maggiore, andsee the Tintorets, come back and get a general idea of the exterior ofSt. Mark's, and spend the afternoon at the Accademia.
PODB. (_with a slight absence of heartiness_). Capital! And--er--lunchat the Academy, I suppose?
MISS P. There does not happen to be a restaurant there--we shall seewhat time we have. I must say _I_ regard every minute of daylight spenton food here as a sinful waste.
BOB. Now just look here, Patia, if you _are_ bossing this show, youneedn't go cutting us off our grub! What do _you_ say, Jem?
PODB. (_desperately anxious to please_). Oh, I don't know that I careabout lunch myself--much. [_Their voices die away on the water._
CULCH. (_musing_). She might have _bowed_ to me!... _She_ has escapedthe mosquitoes.... Ah, well, I doubt if she'll find those twoparticularly sympathetic companions! Now I _should_ enjoy a day spent inthat way. Why shouldn't I, as it is? I dare say Maud will----
[_Turns and sees_ MR. TROTTER.
MR. T. My darter will be along presently. She's Cologning hercheeks--they've swelled up again some. I guess you want to Cologne_your_ cheeks--they're dreadful lumpy. I've just been on the Pi-azzaagain, Sir. It's curious now the want of enterprise in these Vernetians.Any one would have expected they'd have thrown a couple or so of girderbridges across the canal between this and the Ri-alto, and run anelevator up the Campanile--but this ain't what you might call a_business_ city, Sir, and that's a fact. (_To_ MISS T. _as sheappears_.) Hello, Maud, the ice-water cool down your face any?
MISS T. Not _much_. My face just made that ice-water boil over. I don'tbelieve I'll ever have a complexion again--it's divided up among severaldozen mosquitoes, who've no use for one. But it's vurry consoling tolook at _you_, Mr. Culchard, and feel there's a pair of us. Now what waydo you propose we should endeavour to forget our sufferings?
CULCH. Well, we might spend the morning in St. Mark's----?
MISS T. The morning! Why, Poppa and I saw the entire show inside of tenminutes, before breakfast!
CULCH. Ah! (_Discouraged._) What do you say to studying the Vine andFig-tree angles and the capitals of the arcades in the Ducal Palaces? Iwill go and fetch the _Stones of Venice_.
"I GUESS YOU WANT TO COLOGNE _YOUR_ CHEEKS--THEY'REDREADFUL LUMPY."]
MISS T. I GUESS YOU CAN LEAVE THOSE OLD STONES IN PEACE. I DON'T FEELLIKE STUDYING UP ANYTHING THIS MORNING--IT'S AS MUCH AS EVER I CAN DONOT TO SCREAM ALOUD!
CULCH. Then shall we just drift about in a gondola all the morning,and--er--perhaps do the Academy later?
MISS T. Not any canals in this hot sun for me! I'd be just as _sick_!That gondola will keep till it's cooler.
CULCH. (_losing patience_). Then I must really leave it to you to make asuggestion!
MISS T. Well, I believe I'll have a good look round the curiositystores. There's ever such a cunning little shop back of the Clock Toweron the Pi-azza, where I saw some brocades that were just too sweet! SoI'll take Poppa along bargain-hunting. Don't _you_ come if you'd ratherpoke around your old churches and things!
CULCH. I don't feel disposed to--er--"poke around" alone, so, if youwill allow me to accompany you,----
MISS T. Oh, I'll allow you to escort me. It's handy having some onearound to carry parcels. And Poppa's bound to drop the balance everytime!
CULCH. (_to himself_). That's all I am to her. A beast of burden! And awhole precious morning squandered on this confounded shopping--when Imight have been--ah, well! [_Follows, under protest._
_On the Grand Canal._ 9 P.M. _A brilliant moonlight night; amusic-barge, hung with coloured lanterns, is moving slowly up towardsthe Rialto, surrounded and followed by a fleet of gondolas, amongstwhich is one containing the_ TROTTERS _and_ CULCHARD. CULCHARD _has justdiscovered--with an embarrassment not wholly devoid of a certainexcitement--that they are drawing up to a gondola occupied by the_PRENDERGASTS _and_ PODBURY.
MR. TROTTER (_meditatively_). It's real romantic. That's the thirddeceased kitten I've seen to-night. They haven't only a two-foot tide inthe Adriatic, and it stands to reason all the sewage----
[_The two gondolas are jammed close alongside._
MISS P. How absolutely magical those palaces look in the moonlight! Bob,how _can_ you yawn like that?
BOB. I beg your pardon, Patia, really, but we've had rather a long dayof it, you know!
MR. T. Well, now, I declare I sort of recognised those voices!(_Heartily._) Why, how are _you_ getting along in Vernis? _We_'regettin' along fust-rate. Say, Maud, here's your friend alongside!
[MISS P. _presents a stony silence_.
MISS T. (_in an undertone_). I don't see how you _can_ act so,Poppa,--when you know she's just as _mad_ with me!
MR. T. There! Dumned if I didn't clean forget you were out! But, seehere, now--why cann't we let bygones be bygones?
BOB. (_impulsively_). Just what _I_ think, Mr. Trotter, and I'm sure mysister will----
MISS P. Bob, will you kindly not make the situation more awkward than itis? If I desired a reconciliation, I think I am quite capable of sayingso!
MISS T. (_in confidence to the Moon_). This Ark isn't proposing to sendout any old dove, either--we've no use for an olive-branch. (_To_ MR.T.) That's "_Santa Lucia_" they're singing now, Poppa.
MR. T. They don't appear to me to get the twist on it they did atBellagio!
MISS T. You mean that night Charley took us out on the Lake? PoorCharley! he'd just love to be here--he's ever so much artistic feeling!
MR. T. Well, I don't see why he couldn't have come along if he'd wanted.
MISS T. (_with a glance at her neighbour_). I presume he'd reasonsenough. He's a vurry cautious man. Likely he was afraid he'd get bitten.
MISS P. (_after a swift scrutiny of_ MISS T.'S _features_). Oh, Bob,remind me to get some more of that mosquito stuff. I _should_ so hate tobe bitten--such a _dreadful_ disfigurement!
MISS T. (_to the Moon_). I declare if I don't believe I can feel somecreature trying to sting me now!
MISS P. Some people are hardly recognisable, Bob, and they say the marksnever _quite_ disappear!
MISS T. Poppa, don't you wonder what Charley's doing just now? I'd liketo know if he's found any one yet to feel an interest in the greatAmurrcan Novel. It's curious how interested people do get in that novel,considering it's none of it written, and never will be. I guesssometimes he makes them believe he means something by it. They don'tunderstand it's only Charley's way!
MISS P. The crush isn't quite so bad now. Mr. Podbury, if you willkindly ask your
friend not to hold on to our gondola, we should probablybe better able to turn. (CULCHARD, _who had fondly imagined himselfundetected, takes his hand away as if it were scorched_.) Now we can getaway. (_To_ Gondolier.) Voltiamo, se vi piace, prestissimo!
[_The gondola turns and departs._
MISS T. Well, I do just enjoy making that Prendergast girl perfectlywild, and that's a fact. (_Reflectively._) And it's queer, but I likeher ever so much all the time. Don't _you_ think that's too fonny of me,Mr. Culchard, now? [CULCHARD _feigns a poetic abstraction_.