The Travelling Companions: A Story in Scenes

by F. Anstey

  CHAPTER XXIII.

  +PEARLS AND PIGS.+

  SCENE--_The Lower Hall of the Scuola di San Rocco, Venice. BritishTourists discovered studying the Tintorets on the walls and ceiling bythe aid of Ruskin, Hare, and Baedeker, from which they read aloud,instructively, to one another._ MISS PRENDERGAST _has brought "TheStones of Venice" for the benefit of her brother and_ PODBURY. _Longself-repression has reduced_ PODBURY _to that unpleasantly hystericalcondition known as "a fit of the giggles," which, however, has hithertoescaped detection_.

  MISS P. (_standing opposite "The Flight into Egypt" reading_). "One ofthe principal figures here is the Donkey." Where _is_ Mr. Podbury? [_To_P., _who reappears, humbly proffering a tin focussing-case_.] Thanks,but you need not have troubled! "The Donkey ... um--um--neverseen--um--um--any of the nobler animals so sublime as this quiet head ofthe domestic ass"--(_here_ BOB _digs_ PODBURY _in the ribs behind_ MISSP.'S _back_)--"chiefly owing to the grand motion in the nostril, andwrithing in the ears." (_A spasmodic choke from_ PODBURY.) May I askwhat you find so amusing?

  PODB. (_crimson_). I--I _beg_ your pardon--I don't know _what_ I waslaughing at exactly. (_Aside to_ BOB.) _Will_ you shut up, confound you!

  A STOUT LADY (_close by, reading from Hare_). "The whole symmetry of itdepending on a narrow line of light." (_Dubiously, to her Daughter._) Idon't _quite_--oh yes, I do now--that's it--where my sunshade is--"theedge of a carpenter's square, which connects those unused tools" ...h'm--can _you_ make out the "unused tools," Ethel? _I_ can't.... But hesays--"The Ruined House is the Jewish Dispensation." Now I should neverhave found _that_ out for myself. (_They pass to another canvas._)"Tintoret denies himself all aid from the features.... No time allowedfor watching the expression."... (That reminds me--what _is_ the time byyour bracelet, darling?) "No blood, no stabbing, or cutting ... but anawful substitute for these in the chiaroscuro." (Ah, yes, indeed! Do yousee it, love?--in the right-hand corner.) "So that our eyes"--(_comfortably_)--"seem to become blood-shot, and strained withstrange horror, and deadly vision." (Not one o'clock, _really_?--andwe've to meet Papa outside Florian's for lunch at one-thirty! Dear me,we mustn't stay too long over this room.)

  A SOLEMN GENTLEMAN (_struggling with a troublesome cough, who is alsoprovided with Hare, reading aloud to his wife_). "Further enhancedby--rook--rook--rook!--a largely-made--rook--ook!--farm-servant, leaningon a ork-ork--ork--ork--or--ook!--basket. Shall I--ork!--go on?"

  HIS WIFE. Yes, dear, do, _please_! It makes one notice things so _much_more! [_The_ SOLEMN GENTLEMAN _goes on_.

  MISS P. (_as they reach the staircase_). Now just look at this Titian,Mr. Podbury! Ruskin particularly mentions it. Do note the mean and pettyfolds of the drapery, and compare them with those in the Tintorets inthere.

  PODB. (_obediently_). Yes, I will,--a--did you mean _now_--and will ittake me long, because---- [MISS PRENDERGAST _sweeps on scornfully_.

  PODB. (_following, with a desperate effort to be intelligent_). Theydon't seem to have any Fiammingoes here.

  MISS P. (_freezingly, over her shoulder_). Any _what_, Mr. Podbury?Flamingoes?

  PODB. (_confidently, having noted down the name at the Accademia on hisshirt-cuff_). No, "Ignoto Fiammingo," don't you know. I like that chap'sstyle--what I call thoroughly Venetian.

  [_Well-informed persons in front overhear and smile._

  MISS P. (_annoyed_). That is rather strange--because "Ignoto Fiammingo"happens to be merely the Italian for "an unknown Fleming," Mr. Podbury.[_Collapse of_ PODBURY.

  BOB. (_aside to_ PODBURY). You great owl, you came a cropper _that_time!

  [_He and_ PODBURY _indulge in a subdued bear-fight up the stairs, afterwhich they enter the Upper Hall in a state of preternatural solemnity_.

  THE SOLEMN G. Now what _I_ want to see, my dear, is the ork--ork--angelthat Ruskin thinks Tintoretto painted the day after he saw arook--kic--kic--kic--kingfisher.

  [BOB _nudges_ PODBURY, _who resists temptation heroically_.

  A SOLEMN GENTLEMAN STRUGGLING WITH A TROUBLESOME COUGH.]

  MISS P. (_reading_).... "the fig-tree which, by a curious caprice, hasgolden ribs to all its leaves."--Do you see the ribs, Mr. Podbury?

  PODB. (_feebly_). Y--yes. I _believe_ I do. Think they grew that sort offig-tree formerly, or is it--a--_allegorical_?

  MISS P. (_receiving this query in crushing silence_). The ceilingrequires careful study. Look at that oblong panel in the centre--withthe fiery serpents, which Ruskin finely compares to "winged lampreys."You're not looking in the right way to see them, Mr. Podbury!

  PODB. (_faintly_). I--I did see them--_all_ of them, on my honour I did!But it gives me such a crick in my neck!

  MISS P. Surely Tintoret is worth a crick in the neck. Did you observe"the intense delight in biting expressed in their eyes"?

  BOB. (_frivolously_). _I_ did, 'Patia--exactly the same look I observedlast night, in a mosquito's eye.

  [PODBURY _has to use his handkerchief violently_.

  THE STOUT LADY. Now, Ethel, we can just spend ten minutes on theceiling--and then we _must_ go. That's evidently Jonah in the small oval(_referring to plan_). Yes, I thought so,--it _is_ Jonah. Ruskinconsiders "the whale's tongue much too large, unless it is a kind ofcrimson cushion for Jonah to kneel upon." Well, why _not_?

  ETHEL. A cushion, Mother? what, _inside_ the whale!

  THE STOUT LADY. That we are not _told_, my love--"The submissiveness ofJonah is well given"--So true--but Papa can't bear being kept waitingfor his lunch--we really ought to go now. [_They go._

  THE SOLEMN G. (_reading_). "There comes up out of the mist a dark hand."Have _you_ got the dark hand yet, my dear?

  HIS WIFE. No, dear, only the mist. At least, there's something that_may_ be a branch; or a _bird_ of some sort.

  THE S. G. Ha, it's full of suggestion, full of suggestion!

  [_He passes on, coughing._

  MISS P. (_to_ PODBURY, _who is still quivering_). Now notice the endone--"the Fall of Manna"--not _that_ end; that's the "Fall of _Man_."Ruskin points out (_reading_) "A very sweet incident. Four or fivesheep, instead of pasturing, turn their heads to catch the manna as itcomes down" (_here_ BOB _catches_ PODBURY'S _eye_), "or seem to belicking it off each other's fleeces." (PODBURY _is suddenly convulsed byinexplicable and untimely mirth_.) Really, Mr. Podbury, this is _too_disgraceful!

  [_She shuts the book sharply and walks away._

  OUTSIDE; BY THE LANDING STEPS.

  MISS P. Bob, go on and get the gondola ready. I wish to speak to Mr.Podbury. (_To_ PODBURY, _after_ BOB _has withdrawn_.) Mr. Podbury, Icannot tell you how disgusted and disappointed I feel at your senselessirreverence.

  PODB. (_penitently_). I--I'm really most awfully sorry--but it came overme suddenly, and I simply couldn't help myself!

  MISS P. That is what makes it so very hopeless--after all the pains Ihave taken with you! I have been beginning to fear for some time thatyou are incorrigible--and to-day is really the _last_ straw! So it iskinder to let you know at once that you have been tried and foundwanting. I have no alternative but to release you finally from yourvows--I cannot allow you to remain my suitor any longer.

  PODB. (_humbly_). I was always afraid I shouldn't last the course, don'tyou know. I did my best--but it wasn't _in_ me, I suppose. It wasawfully good of you to put up with me so long. And, I say, you won'tmind our being friends still, will you now?

  MISS P. Of course not. I shall always wish you well, Mr. Podbury--only Iwon't trouble you to accompany me to any more galleries!

  PODB. A--thanks. I--I mean, I know I should only be in your way and allthat. And--I'd better say good-bye, Miss Prendergast. You won't want mein the gondola just now, I'm sure. I can easily get another.

  MISS P. Well--good-bye then, Mr. Podbury. I will explain to Bob.

  [_She steps into the gondola_; BOB _raises his eyebrows in muteinterrogation at_ PODBURY, _who shakes his head, and allows the gondolato go without him_.

  PODB. (_to himself as the gondola disappears_). So _that's_ over!
Hangedif I don't think I'm sorry, after all. It will be beastly lonely withoutanybody to bully me, and she could be awfully nice when she chose....Still it _is_ a relief to have got rid of old Tintoret, and not to haveto bother about Bellini and Cima and that lot.... How that beggarCulchard will crow when he hears of it! Shan't tell him anything--if Ican help it.... But the worst of getting the sack is--people are almost_bound_ to spot you.... I think I'll be off to-morrow. I've had enoughof Venice!