by F. Anstey
CHAPTER XXIV.
+THE PILGRIMS OF LOVE.+
SCENE--_The Piazza of St. Mark at night. The roof and part of the facadegleam a greenish silver in the moonlight. The shadow of the Campanilefalls, black and broad, across the huge square, which is crowded withpeople listening to the Military Band, and taking coffee, &c., outsidethe cafes._ MISS TROTTER _and_ CULCHARD _are seated at one of the littletables in front of the Quadri_.
MISS T. I'd like ever so much to know why it is you're so anxious to seethat Miss Prendergast and me friendly again? After she's been treatingyou this long while like you were a toad--and not a popular kind of toadat that!
CULCH. (_wincing_). Of course I am only too painfully aware of--of acertain distance in her manner towards me, but I should not think ofallowing myself to be influenced by any--er--merely personalconsiderations of that sort.
MISS T. That's real noble! And I presume, now, you cann't imagine anyreason why she's been treading you so flat.
CULCH. (_with a shrug_). I really haven't troubled to speculate. Who cantell how one may, quite unconsciously, give offence--even to those whoare--er--comparative strangers?
MISS T. Just so. (_A pause._) Well, Mr. Culchard, if I wanted anythingto confirm my opinion of you, I guess you've given it me!
CULCH. (_internally_). It's very unfortunate that she _will_ insist onidealizing me like this!
MISS T. Maybe, now, you can form a pretty good idea already what thatopinion is?
CULCH. (_in modest deprecation_). You give me some reason for inferringthat it is far higher than I deserve.
MISS T. Well, I don't know that you've missed your guess altogether. Areyou through your ice-cream yet?
CULCH. Almost. (_He finishes his ice._) It is really most refreshing.
MISS T. Then, now you're refreshed, I'll tell you what I think aboutyou. (CULCHARD _resigns himself to enthusiasm_.) My opinion of you, Mr.Culchard, is that, taking you by and large, you amount to what weAmurrcans describe as "a pretty mean cuss."
CULCH. (_genuinely surprised_). A mean cuss? Me! Really, thisunjustifiable language is _most_----!
MISS T. Well, I don't just know what your dictionary term would be for aman who goes and vows exclusive devotion to one young lady, while he'swaiting for his answer from another, and keeps his head close shut toeach about it. Or a man who backs out of his vows by trading off thesloppiest kind of flap-doodle about not wishing to blight the hopes ofhis dearest friend. Or a man who has been trying his hardest to get intothe good graces again of the young lady he went back on first, so he cancut out that same dearest friend of his, and leave the girl he's haffengaged to right out in the cold. And puts it all off on thehigh-toned-est old sentiments, too. But I don't consider the expression,"a mean cuss," too picturesque for that particular kind of hero myself!
CULCH. (_breathing hard_). Your feelings have apparently undergone asudden change--quite recently!
MISS T. Well, no, the change dates back considerable--ever since we wereat the Villa d'Este. Only, I like Mr. Podbury pretty well, and I allowedhe ought to have fair play, so I concluded I'd keep you around so youshouldn't get a chance of spoiling your perfectly splendid act ofself-denial--and I guess I've _kept_ you around pretty much all thetime.
CULCH. (_bitterly_). In other words, you have behaved like a heartlesscoquette!
MISS T. You may put it at that if you like. Maybe it wouldn't have beenjust the square thing to do if you'd been a different sort of man--butyou wanted to be taught that you couldn't have all the fun of flirtationon _your_ side, and I wasn't afraid the emotional strain was going toshatter you up to any serious extent. Now it's left off amusing me, andI guess it's time to stop. I'm as perfectly aware as I can be thatyou've been searching around for some way of getting out of it this longwhile back--so there's no use of your denying you'll be real enchantedto get your liberty again!
"A MEAN CUSS? ME! REALLY--!"]
CULCH. I may return your charming candour by admitting thatmy--er--dismissal will be--well, not wholly without its consolations.
MISS T. Then _that's_ all right! And if you'll be obliging enough tohunt up my Poppa and send him along, I guess I can dispense with yourfurther escort, and you can commence those consolations right away.
CULCH. (_alone_). The little vixen! Saw I was getting tired of it, andtook care to strike first. Clever--but a trifle crude. But I'm free now.Unfortunately my freedom comes too late. Podbury's _Titania_ is much tooenamoured of those ass's ears of his----How the brute will chuckle whenhe hears of this! But he won't hear of it from _me_. I'll go in and packand be off to-morrow morning before he's up!
* * * * *
NEXT MORNING; IN THE HALL OF THE GRAND HOTEL DANDOLO.
THE GERMAN PORTER (_a stately person in a gold-laced uniform and a whitewaistcoat, escaping from importunate visitors_). In von momendt, Matam,I attend to you. You want a larcher roum, Sare? You address ze manager,blease. Your dronks, Laties? I haf zem brod down, yes.
_A Lady._ Oh, Porter, we want a gondola this afternoon to go to theLido, and _do_ try if you can get us Beppo--that _nice_ gondolier, youknow, we had yesterday!
THE PORTER. Ach! I do nod know _any_ nah-ice gondolier--zey are oal--Idell you, if you lif viz zem ade mons as me, you cot your troat--yes!
ANOTHER LADY. Porter, can you tell me the name of the song that man issinging in the barge there?
PORTER. I gannot dell you ze name--pecause zey sing always ze same ting!
A HELPLESS MAN IN KNICKERBOCKERS (_drifting in at the door_). Here, Isay. We engaged rooms here by telegram from Florence. What am I to givethese fellows from the station? _Combien_, you know!
PORTER. You gif zem two franc--and zen zey vill gromble. You haf engageroums? yes. Zat vill pe oal rahit--Your loggage in ze gondola, yes? Ihaf it taken op.
THE H. M. No, it's left behind at Bologna. My friend's gone back for it.And I say, think it will turn up all right?
PORTER. Eef you register it, and your vrient is zere, you ged it--yes.
THE H. M. Yes, but look _here_, don't you know? Oughtn't I to make arow--a fuss--about it, or something, eh?
PORTER (_moving off with subdued contempt_). Oh, you can make a foss,yes, if you like--you ged nossing!
CULCH. _and_ PODB. (_stopping him simultaneously_). I say, I want myluggage brought down from No.--in time for the twelve o'clock--(_To eachother._) Hallo! are _you_ off too?
CULCH. (_confused_). Er--yes--thought I might as well be getting back.
PODB. Then I--I suppose it's all settled--with Miss T.--you know--eh?
CULCH. Fortunately--yes. And--er--_your_ engagement happily concluded?
PODB. Well, it's _concluded_, anyway. It's all _off_, you know. I--Iwasn't artistic enough for her.
CULCH. She has refused you? My _dear_ Podbury, I'm really delighted tohear this--at least, that is----
PODB. Oh, don't mind _me_. I'm getting over it. But I must congratulateyou on better luck.
CULCH. On precisely similar luck. Miss Trotter and I--er--arrived at theconclusion last night that we were not formed to make each other'shappiness.
PODB. Did you, by Jove? Porter, I say, never mind about that luggage. Doyou happen to know if Mr. and Miss Trotter--the American gentleman andhis daughter--are down yet?
PORTER. Trodders? Led me see, yes, zey ged zeir preakfast early, andstart two hours since for Murano and Torcello.
PODB. Torcello? Why, that's where Bob and Miss Prendergast talked ofgoing to-day! Culchard, old fellow, I've changed my mind. Shan't leaveto-day, after all. I shall just nip over and see what sort of placeTorcello is.
CULCH. Torcello--"the Mother of Venice!" it really seems a pity to goaway without having seen it. Do you know, Podbury, I think I'll joinyou!
PODB. (_not over cordially_). Come along, then--only look sharp. Sureyou don't mind? Miss Trotter will be there, you know!
CULCH. Exactly; and so--I think you said--will the--er--Prendergasts.(_To_ PORTER.) Just get
us a gondola and two rowers, will you, forTorcello. And tell them to row as fast as they can!