by F. Anstey
CHAPTER XXV.
+JOURNEYS END IN LOVERS' MEETING.+
SCENE--_Near Torcello._ CULCHARD _and_ PODBURY _are seated side by sidein the gondola, which is threading its way between low banks, brightwith clumps of Michaelmas daisies and pomegranate-trees laden with redfruit. Both_ CULCHARD _and_ PODBURY _are secretly nervous and anxiousfor encouragement_.
PODBURY (_humming_ "_In Old Madrid_" _with sentiment_).La-doodle-um-La-doodle-oo: La-doodle-um-te-dumpty-loodle-oo! I think sherather seemed to like me--those first days at Brussels, don't _you_?
CULCHARD (_absently_). Did she? I dare say. (_Whistling_ "_TheWedding March_" _softly_.) Few-fee; di-fee-fee-few-few;few-fiddledy-fee-fiddledy-few-few-few-fee. I fancy I'm right in mytheory, eh?
PODB. Oh, I should say so--yes. _What_ theory?
CULCH. (_annoyed_). What theory? Why, the one I've been explaining toyou for the last ten minutes!--that all this harshness of hers lately isreally, when you come to analyse it, a decidedly encouraging symptom.
PODB. But I shouldn't have said Miss Trotter was exactly _harsh_ tome--lately, at all events.
CULCH. (_with impatience_). Miss Trotter! You! What an egoist you are,my dear fellow! I was referring to myself and Miss Prendergast. And youcan't deny that, both at Nuremberg and Constance, she----
PODB. (_with careless optimism_). Oh, _she_'ll come round all right,never fear. I only wish I was half as safe with Miss Trotter!
CULCH. (_mollified_). Don't be too down-hearted, my dear Podbury. Ihappen to know that she likes you--she told me as much last night. DidMiss Prendergast--er--say anything to that effect about _me_?
PODB. Well,--not exactly, old chap--not to me, at least. But I say, MissTrotter didn't tell you _that_? Not _really_? Hooray! Then it's allright--she may have me after all!
CULCH. (_chillingly_). I should advise you not to be over-confident. (_Asilence follows, which endures until they reach the landing-steps atTorcello._) They _are_ here, you see--those are evidently theirgondolas, I recognise those two cloaks. Now the best thing _we_ can dois to separate.
PODB. (_springing out_). Right you are! (_To himself._) I'll draw thechurch first and see if she's there. (_Approaches the door of SantaMaria: a Voice within, apparently reading aloud_: "_Six balls, or ratheralmonds, of purple marble veined with white are set around the edge ofthe pulpit, and form its only decoration_.") Hypatia, by Jove! Narrowshave that!
[_He goes round to back._
CULCH. (_comes up to the door_). I know I shall find her here. Lucky Iknow that Torcello chapter in "The Stones" very nearly by heart!(_Reaches threshold. A Voice within._ "_Well, I guess I'm going to climbup and sit in that old amphitheatre there, and see how it feels_!") Goodheavens,--_Maud_! and I was as nearly as possible--I think I'll go up tothe top of the Campanile and see if I can't discover where Hypatia is.
[_He ascends the tower._
IN THE BELFRY.
PODB. (_arriving breathless, and finding_ CULCHARD _craning eagerlyforward_). Oh, so _you_ came up too? Well, can you _see_ her?
CULCH. Ssh! She's just turned the corner! (_Vexed._) She's with MissTrotter!... They're sitting down on the grass below!
PODB. Together? That's a nuisance! Now we shall have to wait till theyseparate--sure to squabble, sooner or later.
MISS T.'S VOICE (_which is perfectly audible above_). I guess we'll giveRuskin a rest now, Hypatia. I'm dying for a talk. I'm just as enchantedas I can be to hear you've dismissed Mr. Podbury. And I expect you canguess _why_.
PODB. (_in a whisper_). I say, Culchard, they're going to talk about us.Ought we to listen, eh? Better let them know we're here?
"HYPATIA, BY JOVE! NARROW SHAVE THAT!"]
CULCH. I really don't see any necessity--however,--(_Whistles feebly._)Feedy-feedy-feedle!
PODB. What is the use of fustling like that? (_Yoedels._) Lul-li-ety!
MISS P.'S V. Well, my dear Maud, I confess that I----
CULCH. It's quite impossible to make them hear down there, and it's nofault of ours if their voices reach us occasionally. And it _does_ seemto me, Podbury, that, in a matter which may be of vital importance tome--to us both--it would be absurd to be over-scrupulous. But of courseyou will please yourself. _I_ intend to remain where I am. [PODBURY_reluctantly resigns himself to the situation_.
MISS T.'S V. Now, Hypatia Prendergast, don't tell _me_ you're notinterested in him! And he's more real suited to you than ever Mr.Podbury was. Now, isn't that _so_?
CULCH. (_withdrawing his head_). Did you hear, Podbury? She's actuallypleading for me! _Isn't_ she an angel? Be quiet, now. I must hear theanswer!
MISS T.'S V. I--I don't know, really. But, Maud, I want to speak to youabout--Somebody. You can't think how he adores you, poor fellow! I havenoticed it for a long time.
POBD. (_beaming_). Culchard! You heard? She's putting in a word for me.What a brick that girl is!
MISS T.'S V. I guess he's pretty good at concealing his feelings, then.He's been keeping far enough away!
MISS P.'S V. That was _my_ fault. I _kept_ him by me. You see, Ibelieved you had quite decided to accept Mr. Culchard.
Miss T.'s V. Well, it does strike me that, considering he was adoring meall this time, he let himself be managed tolerable easy. [PODBURY_shakes his head in protestation_.
MISS P.'S V. Ah, but let me explain. I could only keep him quiet bythreatening to go home by myself, and dear Bob is such a devoted brotherthat----
POBD. Brother! I say, Culchard, she can't be meaning _Bob_ all thistime! She _can't_! can she now?
CULCH. How on earth can _I_ tell? If it is so, you must be aphilosopher, my dear fellow, and bear it--that's all.
MISS P.'S V. That _does_ alter the case, doesn't it? And I may tell himthere's some hope for him? You mustn't judge him by what he is with hisfriend, Mr. Podbury. Bob has such a _much_ stronger and finer character!
MISS T.'S V. Oh well, if he couldn't stand up more on his edge than Mr.Podbury! Not that I mind Mr. Podbury any, there's no harm in him, buthe's too real frivolous to amount to much.
PODB. (_collapsing_). Frivolous! From _her_ too! Oh, hang it _all_!
[_He buries his head in his hands with a groan._
MISS T.'S V. Well, see here, Hypatia. I'll take your brother on trialfor a spell, to oblige you--there. I cann't say more at present. Andnow--about the other. I want to know just how you feel about him.
CULCH. The _other_!--that's Me! I wish to goodness you wouldn't make allthat noise, Podbury, just when it's getting interesting!
MISS P.'S V. (_very low_). What is the good! Nothing will bring himback--_now_!
CULCH. Nothing? How little she knows me!
MISS T.'S V. I hope you don't consider _me_ nothing. And a word from mewould bring him along pretty smart. The only question is whether I'm tosay it or not.
MISS T.'S V. (_muffled_). Dar-ling!
CULCH. I really think I might almost venture to go down now, eh,Podbury? (_No answer._) Selfish brute! [_Indignantly._
MISS T.'S V. But mind this--if he comes back, you've got to care for himthe whole length of your boa--you won't persuade him to run in coupleswith anybody else. That's why he broke away the first time--and you wereever so mad with me because you thought I was at the bottom of it. Butit was all his pride. He's too real independent to share chances withanybody alive.
CULCH. How thoroughly she understands me!
MISS T.'S V. And I guess Charley will grow out of the great AmurrcanNovel in time--it's not going ever to grow out of _him_, anyway!
CULCH. (_bewildered_). Charley? I don't see why she should mention VanBoodeler _now_!
MISS T.'S V. I like Charley ever so much, and I'm not going to have himcavort around along with a circus of suitors under vows. So, if Ithought there was any chance of--well, say Mr. Culchard----
MISS P.'S V. (_indignant_). Maud! how _can_ you? That odioushypocritical creature! If you knew how I despised and----!
MISS T.'S V. Well, my dear, he's pretty paltry--but we'll let him go atthat-
-I guess his shares have gone down considerable all round.
CULCH. Podbury, I--I--this conversation is evidently not intendedfor--for other ears--I don't know whether _you_ have heard enough, _I_shall go down!
PODB. (_with a ghastly chuckle_). Like your shares, eh, old chap? Andmine too, for that matter. Well, _I'm_ ready enough to go. Only, forgoodness' sake, let's get away without being seen!
[_They slip softly down the series of inclined planes, and out to thesteps, where they re-embark. As their gondola pushes off_, MR. TROTTER_and_ BOB PRENDERGAST _appear from the Museum_.
MR. T. Why, land sakes! ain't that Mr. Podbury and Mr. Culchard? Hi! youain't ever going away? There's my darter and Miss Hypatia aroundsomewhere--They'll be dreadful disappointed to have missed you!
PODB. (_with an heroic attempt at cheeriness_). We--we're awfullydisappointed to have missed _them_, Mr. Trotter. Afraid we can't stopnow! Good-bye!
[CULCHARD _pulls his hat-brim over his eyes and makes a sign to thegondoliers to get on quickly_; MR. TROTTER _comments with audibleastonishment on their departure to_ BOB, _who preserves a discreetsilence_.
CHAPTER XXVI.
+Podbury Kisses the Rod.+
SCENE--_On the Lagoons._ CULCHARD _and_ PODBURY'S _gondola is nearingVenice. The apricot-tinted diaper on the facade of the Ducal Palace isalready distinguishable, and behind its battlements the pearl-grey domesof St. Mark's shimmer in the warm air._ CULCHARD _and_ PODBURY _havehardly exchanged a sentence as yet. The former has just left offlugubriously whistling as much as he can remember of "Che faro," thelatter is still humming "The Dead March in Saul," although in alivelier manner than at first_.
CULCH. Well, my dear Podbury, our--er--expedition has turned out ratherdisastrously!
PODB. (_suspending the_ "_Dead March_," _chokily_). Not much mistakeabout _that_--but there, it's no good talking about it. Jolly that brownand yellow sail looks on the fruit barge there. See?
CULCH. (_sardonically_). Isn't it a little late in the day to becultivating an eye for colour? I was about to say that those two girlshave treated us infamously. I say deliberately, my dear Podbury,_infamously_!
PODB. Now drop it, Culchard, do you hear? I won't hear a word againsteither of them. It serves us jolly well right for not knowing our ownminds better--though I no more dreamed that old Bob would----Oh, hangit, I can't talk about it yet!
CULCH. That's childishness, my dear fellow; you _ought_ to talk aboutit--it will do you good. And really, I'm not at all sure, after all,that we have not both of us had a fortunate escape. One is very aptto--er--overrate the fascinations of persons one meets abroad. Nowneither of those two was _quite_----
PODB. (_desperately_). Take care! I swear I'll pitch you out of thisgondola, unless you stop that jabber!
CULCH. (_with wounded dignity_). I am willing to make allowance for yourstate of mind, Podbury, but such an expression as--as _jabber_, appliedto my--er--well-meant attempts at consolation, and just as I was aboutto propose an arrangement--really, it's _too_ much! The moment we reachthe hotel, I will relieve you from any further infliction from(_bitterly_) what you are pleased to call my "jabber"!
PODB. (_sulkily_). Very well--I'm sure _I_ don't care! (_To himself._)Even old Culchard won't have anything to do with me now! I must have_somebody_ to talk to--or I shall go off my head! (_Aloud._) I say, old_chap_! (_No answer._) Look here--it's bad enough as it is without _our_having a row! Never mind anything I said.
CULCH. I _do_ mind--I _must_. I am not accustomed to hear myself calleda--a _jabberer_!
PODB. I _didn't_ call you a jabberer--I only said you _talked_ jabber.I--I hardly know what I _do_ say, when I'm like this. And I'm deucedsorry I spoke--there!
CULCH. (_relaxing_). Well, do you withdraw jabber?
PODB. Certainly, old chap. I _like_ you to talk, only not--not againstHer, you know! What were you going to propose?
CULCH. Well, my idea was this. My leave is practically unlimited--atleast, without vanity, I think I may say that my Chief sufficientlyappreciates my services not to make a fuss about a few extra days. So Ithought I'd just run down to Florence and Naples, and perhaps catch a P.& O. at Brindisi. I suppose _you're_ not tied to time in any way?
PODB. (_dolefully_). Free as a bird! If the Governor had wanted me backin the City, he'd have let me know it. Well?
CULCH. Well, if you like to come with me, I--I shall be very pleased tohave your company.
PODB. (_considering_). I don't care if I do--it may cheer me up a bit.Florence, eh?--and Naples? I shouldn't mind a look at Florence. Or Rome.How about Rome, now?
CULCH. (_to himself_). Was I wise to expose myself to this sort of thing_again_? I'm almost sorry I----(_Aloud._) My dear fellow, if we are totravel together in any sort of comfort, you must leave all details to_me_. And there's one thing I _do_ insist on. In future we must keep toour original resolution--not to be drawn into any chanceacquaintanceship. I don't want to reproach you, but if, when we werefirst at Brussels, you had not allowed yourself to get so intimate withthe Trotters all this would never----
PODB. (_exasperated_). There you go again! I can't stand being jawed at,Culchard, and I won't!
CULCH. I am no more conscious of "jawing" than "jabbering," and if_that_ is how I am to be spoken to----!
PODB. I know. Look here, it's no use. You must go to Florence byyourself. I simply don't feel up to it, and that's the truth. I shalljust potter about here till--till _they_ go.
CULCH. As you choose. I gave you the opportunity--out of kindness. Ifyou prefer to make yourself ridiculous by hanging about here, it's noconcern of mine. I dare say I shall enjoy Florence at least as well bymyself.
[_He sulks until they arrive at the Hotel Dandolo, where they arereceived on the steps by the_ PORTER.
PORTER. Goot afternoon, Schendlemen. You have a bleasant dimes atTorcello, yes? Ach! you haf gif your gondoliers vifdeen franc? Zeyschvindle you, oal ze gondoliers alvays schvindles eferypody, yes! Zereis som ledders for you. I vetch them. [_He bustles away._
MR. BELLERBY (_suddenly emerging from a recess in the entrance, as herecognizes_ CULCHARD). Why, bless me, there's a face I know! Met atLugano, didn't we? To be sure--very pleasant chat we had too! So you'reat Venice, eh? I know every stone of it by heart, as I needn't say. Thefirst time I was ever at Venice----
CULCH. (_taking a bulky envelope from the_ PORTER). Just so--how areyou? Er--will you excuse me?
[_He opens the envelope, and finds a blue official-looking enclosure,which he reads with a gradually lengthening countenance._
MR. B. (_as_ CULCHARD _thrusts the letter angrily in his pocket_).You're new to Venice, I think? Well, just let me give you a word ofadvice.
READS WITH A GRADUALLY LENGTHENING COUNTENANCE.]
Now you _are_ here--you make them give you some tunny. Insist on it,Sir. Why, when I was here first----
CULCH. (_impatiently_). I know. I mean, you told me that before. And I_have_ tasted tunny.
MR. B. Ha! well, what did you think of it? _Delicious_, eh?
CULCH. (_forgetting all his manners_). Beastly, Sir, _beastly_!
[_Leaves the scandalized_ MR. B. _abruptly, and rushes off to get atelegram form at the bureau._
MR. CRAWLEY STRUTT (_pouncing on_ PODBURY _in the hall, as he finishesthe perusal of his letter_). Excuse me--but surely I have the honour ofaddressing Lord George Gumbleton? You may perhaps just recollect, myLord----?
PODB. (_blankly_). Think you've made a mistake, really.
MR. C. S. Is it possible! I have come across so many people while I'vebeen away that--but surely we have met _somewhere_? Why, of course, SirJohn Jubber! you must pardon me, Sir John----
PODB. (_recognizing him_). My name's Podbury--plain Podbury, but you'requite right. You _have_ met me--and you've met my bootmaker too, "LordUppersole," eh? That's where the mistake came in!
MR. C. S. (_with hauteur_). I think not, Sir; I have no recollection ofthe circumstance. I see now your face is quite unfamiliar to me.
[_He moves away_; PODBURY _gets a telegram form and sits down at a tablein the hall opposite_ CULCHARD.
CULCH. (_reading over his telegram_). "Yours just received. Am returningimmediately."
PODB. (_do., do._). "Letter to hand. No end sorry. Start at once."(_Seeing_ CULCHARD.) Writing to Florence for room, eh?
CULCH. Er--no. The fact is, I've just heard from my Chief--a--a mostintemperate communication, insisting on my instant return to my duties!I shall have to humour him, I suppose, and leave at once.
PODB. So shall I. No end of a shirty letter from the Governor. Wants toknow how much longer I expect him to be tied to the office. Old humbug,when he only turns up twice a week for a couple of hours!
THE PORTER. Beg your bardons, Schendlemen, but if you haf qvide done vidze schtamps on your ledders, I gollect bostage-schtamps, yes.
CULCH. (_irritably flings him the envelope_). Oh, confound it all, takethem. _I_ don't want them! (_He looks at his letter once more._) I say,Podbury, it--it's worse than I thought. This thing's a week old! Musthave been lying in my rooms all this time--or else in that infernalItalian post!
PODB. Whew, old chap! I say, I wouldn't be _you_ for something! Won'tyou catch it when you _do_ turn up? But look here--as things are, we mayas well travel _home_ together, eh?
CULCH. (_with a flicker of resentment_). In spite of my tendency to"jaw" and "jabber"?
PODB. Oh, never mind all that now. We're companions in misfortune, youknow, and we'd better stick together, and keep each other's spirits up.After all, you're in a much worse hat than _I_ am!
CULCH. If _that's_ the way you propose to keep my spirits up!----But letus keep together, by all means, if you wish it, and just go and find outwhen the next train starts, will you? (_To himself, as_ PODBURY_departs_.) I must put up with him a little longer, I suppose. Ah me!_How_ differently I should be feeling now, if Hypatia had only been trueto herself. But that's all over, and I dare say it's better so.... Idare say!
[_He strolls into the hotel garden, and begins to read his Chief'smissives once more, in the hope of deciphering some faint encouragementbetween the lines._
FINIS.
_Richard Clay & Sons, Limited, London & Bungay._