Starcarbon

by Ellen Gilchrist

  “A warning?”

  “From my subconscious telling me not to marry him. I would marry them, too, those dreadful needful bad destructive boys. They scare me to death. One of them has his hair dyed blue.”

  “Do they live with your boyfriend?”

  “God, no. Thank God for that. They live in Fort Smith and come to visit. They stay three months in the summer. It’s hell. Well, I left. I won’t be in Fayetteville when they’re there. The yard stays full of beer cans. Their friends call at all hours of the night. It’s chaos. Do I need this?”

  “I guess not. Are you going to marry him anyway? I mean, if you love him, I guess you have to put up with some stuff.”

  “Here’s the main thing. In the dream the boy was on my back. I could have shoved him off, but I let him ride. He isn’t bigger than I am, not yet. And when we got to Zach, Zach got mad at him for riding on me so I guess my subconscious perceives Zach to still be on my side.”

  “Against his own child?” Olivia looked down, then raised her eyes to meet Georgia’s. “Listen, my dad has lots of girlfriends, but he doesn’t like them as much as he does us. I mean, he was taking me to Switzerland this summer with his girlfriend Margaret, and when I said I didn’t want to go, he said he’d tell her not to go. It’s always like that. He always picks Jessie and me over his girlfriends. I hate to tell you that, but it’s true. I mean, I wish he’d be nicer to Margaret. She’s the best one he has. I wish he’d marry her so he wouldn’t be thinking about us all the time.”

  “You turned down a chance to go to Switzerland?”

  “I wanted to come home. I haven’t been here in two and a half years. I was worrying about my grandfather. I started dreaming he’d die. Cherokees take dreams seriously. Well, I guess you do too since you were telling me yours.”

  “Here’s the rest of it. Then this little girl appeared. She was about five or six and she said, Let’s go up this street. The street forked. It was this really ugly dark industrial city. Then Zach became physically smaller, very small, like Charlie Chaplin, and he showered money on her, a shower of dollar bills. She went up one street. Zach stayed at an intersection but I followed the child and she got us lost. We were lost in a terrible dark city. We went into alleys and were threatened by ferocious dogs. We went into halls and lions stalked us. Finally I was in a small house. A nice boy let us in but it turned into a den of thieves. All this time I was carrying a billfold with my credit cards and money. It was a symbol of my entire financial structure. All the money I have in the world, all the possessions and so forth. Then it was lost and all I had was myself and this evil little girl. Still, I had to protect her. I had to keep her safe.”

  “That’s a terrible dream. That’s a nightmare.” Olivia lay her hand flat down on the table. She was getting bored with Georgia’s dream. She had wanted to tell her about Bobby and show her the engagement ring. It looked like anyone would notice it. There it was, lying in the sunlight, on the blue-and-white-checked tablecloth. The waitress appeared with their plates. Georgia poured syrup over her waffles and continued to talk about herself.

  “Well, I didn’t abandon her. I decided not to worry about losing my entire fortune. I just took her by the hand and dragged her down the street and finally I saw the world headquarters of the Episcopal Church and I went in and found a labyrinth where some men in suits were having a meeting. I told them the names of all the important people I knew. I thought they could tell by my voice that I was upper middle class and well educated. I went to Wellesley. I thought that would protect me. So they agreed to call my cousin, who’s a broker on Wall Street, and then I knew I was home and would be safe.”

  “What do you think all that meant?” Olivia had given up on showing Georgia the ring. “So you went to Wellesley. That’s a long way from Oklahoma.”

  “I don’t know what I’ve been doing for the past few years. I have to go back to practicing medicine but I don’t want to do it for another year. Well, I think it means I’ve gotten too far from my power base. That if I keep on loving Zach I’ll end up with some goddamn teenage boy on my back and I’ll be broke. That’s pretty dreadful, a dreadful dream, a dreadful message.”

  “So why do you keep on going with him?”

  “I like to fuck him. I know he doesn’t have AIDS or, if he has, it’s too late now. I don’t want to find another lover. Besides, it isn’t the personnel, Olivia. Who you love isn’t important, it’s that you love.”

  “God, that’s the truth. That’s what I like about my boyfriend. When I’m with him, I forget myself. He gave me an engagement ring the other day. You want to see it? I’m wearing it but I don’t know if we should get married. All I know for now is that I love him. I’m going to start going to a psychiatrist. I guess you know that doesn’t mean I’m crazy, since you went to one.”

  “We’re all crazy. The whole culture. Who are you seeing?”

  “A man in Tulsa. The psychiatrist I went to in North Carolina got him for me. I quit going to her but I shouldn’t have. So, do you want to see the ring?” Olivia held out her hand.

  “Very elegant,” Georgia said. “Who’s this boyfriend? He must be nice. I didn’t know young people had good taste anymore. I thought it was all blue hair.”

  “He’s special. He’s a rodeo star. A real star. Well, he used to be. Now he’s trying to go to school.”

  “Well, I’ll be late for class.” Georgia put her knife and fork down beside her half-eaten waffle. She stood up. “Thanks for coming to join me. This is good. Keep coming here. We’ll support each other. I believe in support systems, I believe in friends. You never have nightmares about your friends. Did you ever think of that? I think you must be good at having friends.”

  “Well, one or two at a time. I don’t like to have a lot of people in my life.” Olivia looked down. Georgia asked too much too fast. It was hard to keep up with her.

  “Did you read the Robert Coles?”

  “I loved it. Sure I read it.”

  “Good, probably no one else did. Ask some questions. Show off.” Georgia walked over to the cash register and paid for both their breakfasts without letting Olivia know she had done it and tipped the waitress and swept out of the café. She had just had half an hour of the divine pleasure of talking about herself and arrived at her office still thinking about the conversation. She’s a good listener, Georgia decided. I could make a doctor out of that girl if I had time. Well, I’ll have to meet this young man she’s fucking. I have to be a real older friend and not buy into her perceptions unless I share them. That’s always been my problem. Wanting friends so much I go along with everything they say. Then a few months later I say what I should have said to begin with.

  Three students were waiting outside her office. Georgia ushered the first one in and began to listen to his problems. She had decided to be a great teacher if she was one. A teacher and a friend.

  Chapter 25

  WE ought to kill her,” Taylor was saying. He and Tucker were sitting on the back porch of their father’s house smoking and drinking Cokes and eating Nacho Cheese Flavored Doritos for breakfast. Taylor was in the swing with a wireless phone he had stolen from Wal-Mart putting in calls to their friends in Fort Smith. He was getting ready to call his old girlfriend when Georgia called looking for their daddy. “We don’t know where he is,” Taylor told her. “We don’t know when he’s getting back.”

  “Do you think they’re going to get married?” Tucker asked. “I don’t think they’re going to. I don’t think he really likes her.”

  “We could blow up her car. It’s easy to do. All you do is put a bomb in the motor and when she turns it on, shazammm. I hate her so much. That dyed hair and all that crap she’s always talking about the culture. Who gives a damn? We could do something to her car. But it’s Dad’s car. He gave her the convertible to drive as long as she wants to.”

  “He won’t marry her. Mom says he’ll never be able to live with anybody. He’s too messy.”

  “He’s got us.
He wants us to live here. If we stay here, he won’t marry her because he’ll have us.”

  “What about Mom? She wouldn’t have anyone with her.”

  “Yeah.”

  “We don’t want to stay here, Taylor. He can’t even cook. I hate it when he cooks.”

  “He takes us out.”

  “So does she. Besides, I don’t want to change schools. Maybe he and Mom will get married again. They were nice to each other last night.”

  “If she calls back, I’m telling her he’s gone out with Mom.” Taylor reached down into the sack and took out a handful of Doritos and munched them up. “There’s some light beer in the refrigerator. You want to drink one? We can split it.”

  “Okay. You get it.”

  The phone rang. Taylor grimaced, let it ring twice, then answered it. They knew it was Georgia. She always called two or three times in a row when she was looking for their dad. “He’s not here,” Taylor said. “He took Mom out to breakfast. We ate up everything in the house last night because Mom’s staying here with us. Yeah, I’ll tell him. We’re going to barbecue for dinner tonight. You ought to come over. Okay, I’ll tell him you called.” He hung up the phone, laughing so hard he could hardly breathe. He staggered over to the refrigerator and pulled out a beer and opened it and handed it to his brother. “You should have heard her. She was going crazy. Where is Mom, by the way? Where’d she go?”

  “Out to the mall. She’s coming back here before she leaves. You shouldn’t have done that, Taylor.”

  “Why not? It’s true. She did stay here.”

  “He let her because she’s broke. He was just being polite. She told me she appreciated him being polite. Now you got him in trouble.”

  “I wish she’d drive off the road. If he marries her I’ll never speak to her again. Oh, oh, there he is.” They heard the motor being turned off in Zach’s ancient Land Rover. Heard the front door slam. They made no effort to hide the beer.

  “Hello, Dad,” they said together when he came in. “We opened a beer. Don’t worry. We only took a sip. We didn’t drink it.”

  “Did Georgia call?” he asked. “Did the phone ring?”

  “I don’t know,” Taylor answered. “We saw a snake out in the backyard. I think it’s a garter snake but I’m not sure. Have you got a snake book? We want to look him up. It might be poisonous but I don’t think so.”

  Zach snapped to attention. If there was one thing he liked to do, it was look things up in reference books. He embraced his sons. He ran for the encyclopedia. He sang through the house.

  “She’ll call back,” Tucker said.

  “Not while I’m on the phone.” Taylor dialed a number. A reservations clerk at Delta Airlines came on the phone and Taylor walked back out to the porch and sat down on the swing and began to ask for information about flights to Berlin and Moscow and Hawaii.

  Zach came tearing back into the kitchen, his arms full of encyclopedias and nature books. “Where did you see it?” he was asking. “How big around was it? What were the markings? Was it orange and black?”

  Georgia hung up the phone from talking to Taylor. She pulled on some slacks and sat down on the unmade bed to tie her running shoes. Good, she decided. Perfect. He has to have a mommie. If I quit on him he goes out and finds a substitute. Dallas Anne shows up to see the boys. Be my mommie, he screams in pain. Sure, she says, and moves in. Might as well manipulate him a little if there’s nothing else left to do, no Sufi dancing classes, no white witch covens, no belly-dancing classes, tai chi, left-wing causes to espouse, why not hang around and fuck up Zach’s head. Help the boys steal something, maybe. Jesus Fucking H. Christ, I have to go back to Memphis and get to work. I have to leave this swamp. Why did I ever get involved with him to begin with? To hell with it, I’m going to The Shak and get some breakfast.

  Well, it’s because he’s powerless, she decided, driving to The Shak. He hasn’t even got the power to keep her from staying at his house. I can’t live with a man who can’t handle power. What in the name of shit am I doing in this crazy country? I’m the one who’s mad. I’ve gone completely mad. I will not call him back. I will not call him back.

  She parked the car and went into The Shak and ordered breakfast. When the waitress brought the plate, she thanked her and asked, “Where do people go around here at night? Where do they go to meet other people or to dance?”

  “At the Teepee,” the waitress ordered. “It’s on Sequoyah Street. They play music there. They have bands. There’s a really good one there tonight. The Vidalias from Broken Arrow. They’re real good.”

  “What time does it open?”

  “The music starts at nine. But it’s open all day.”

  “Thanks,” Georgia said. “I’ll be there tonight. Come and sit with me. I’m looking for a boyfriend. If Olivia comes in, tell her I’m on the rampage. Tell her to come and find me.”

  Chapter 26

  DALLAS Anne came back from the mall in a good mood. She had run into an old boyfriend who wanted her to go camping with him and had told her she could take the boys. She packed them up, promised Zach to bring them back by Sunday, and took off in her old Datsun. “Are those tires good?” Zach asked. “They look mighty slick.”

  “I’m not into tires, honey,” she said, sticking her head out the window. Taylor and Tucker were in the backseat, beaming at their parents, their long legs already too big for the small car.

  “Where are you going?” Zach asked. “Who’s going with you?”

  “Just some friends. We’ll be back by Sunday.” Taylor prodded Tucker in the ribs with the cordless phone. He had it in his jacket pocket. It was buzzing. It was Georgia trying to call Zach but all she got was the answering machine Taylor had programmed. “I’m away on a desert island,” the tape said. “I probably can’t answer your call for a week or two.”

  Zach walked back across the yard thinking about his sons. I have to love them unconditionally, he repeated like a mantra. They have special problems because they’re twins. If Georgia would get to know them, she would like them. She always leaves when they’re around. How can she love them if she never sees them? I don’t know why she hasn’t called. I guess I ought to call her. No, I’ll wait for her to call. She’s such a strange woman. Sometimes I think all she wants me for is an audience.

  He went walking off down the street in the direction of his office and his laboratory. He had thought of an element they had never had time to try in the workup. His mind was filled with formulas that said that it might work. It was beautiful. A beautiful hypothesis. A beautiful, beautiful day.

  Chapter 27

  FOUR in the morning, June 15, 1991. In the Philippines a volcano called Mount Pinatubo began a long series of eruptions that would devastate the surrounding areas and cause beautiful sunsets in Tahlequah for many months.

  At the private airport out by the ancient restored Cherokee Village, Bud Tree climbed into the cockpit of a 1976 Turbo Cessna with a flying range of 1,200 miles and took off for Iowa City. The back of the plane was loaded with 400 pounds of prime Razorbud marijuana, cleaned and packed in airtight containers. There was also a small plastic cooler filled with ten kilo bags of Peruvian cocaine. The plane had been stolen the week before in Little Rock, Arkansas, but no one had bothered to tell Bud Tree. All he knew was that he was to load the plane and fly it, for the successful operation of which he would receive twenty-five thousand dollars in unmarked one-hundred-dollar bills. The offer had been for fifteen thousand dollars but he had turned that down. “Hell, man, I could make fifteen busting my ass in a rodeo.”

  “Except you can’t rodeo with your leg.”

  “I could rodeo.”

  “Okay. Twenty-five. There’ll be a plane waiting. File a flight plan the night before and call and tell Reno when you get there. You sure you want to do this? Don’t do it if you’re getting hesitant.”

  “I want the job. I’m not hesitant as long as I get paid.”

  “You’ll get paid. Leave as soon as there�
�s light. We want you there before ten. If there’s a head wind it could slow you down.”

  “I know the wind, man. You worry about the Feds. I’ll worry about the weather.”

  “Slip the surly bonds of earth,” Bud said as he eased the plane out onto the runway. It was a saying he had learned in Vietnam from a guy who died. “Pass the peanut butter crackers.”

  At five-thirty Bobby woke up in the trailer and slipped out of bed trying not to wake Olivia. He had been in college for twelve days and already he was obsessive about the math homework. If I didn’t fry my brains doing speedballs to rodeo, he kept thinking when anything got hard. But hell, Tom said he never saw anybody do figures like I can. Hell, how would he know. I had to show him what the book meant. Still, hell, you got it, he told me. Don’t get scared. Going to college is just like breaking a horse. You keep on until it gets easy. Ride to win, that’s what Sherrill says. Okay, I’m doing great. I’ll make some coffee and leave it out for Olivia. She likes it when I do things for her. Well, she’s my baby. Goddamn, she makes my dick get hard.

  He turned on the coffeepot he had set the night before and carrying his books and notebooks walked out of the trailer into the fine summer dawn. His dad’s car was gone and the house looked quiet so he went over to sit on the front porch and read. He could do the math and then try to read the physics again. He had had a hard time with physics the first week until Olivia’s teacher had explained it to him one morning when they met for breakfast at The Shak.

  “It’s just a complicated game,” she told him. “An hypothesis. The only reason it’s valuable is that it lets us manipulate physical reality. The words and symbols are a closed system. A set of rules. The amazing thing is that this probably flawed knowledge works. Of course, nuclear weapons are a mixed blessing. Still, forty years of peace. We haven’t used them in another war.”