by Leddy Harper
“What about you, Jelly?” Matthew turned to me, probably hoping I would weigh in instead of just sit there, listening to their arguments. “If you were in trouble and needed to be rescued, who would you want? Which hero would you call for help…Batman or Superman?”
I looked right at Holden and said, “Batman.”
The entire way to my parents’ house, I couldn’t stop thinking about Holden in his little costume with his cape hanging behind him. It made me curious if he still had the same opinions as he did back then. If he still cared as much, or if he looked back on it and thought it was ridiculous and childish.
I stared at his profile while he drove, mumbling about something I wasn’t paying attention to, and mentally compared him to the memories I had of him. He was no longer the boy who used to apologize for teasing me. Nor was he the sweet teenager who hated to see me cry. But I knew that boy wasn’t lost. He wasn’t gone forever. I’d only lived with him for five days so far, but it was enough to see glimpses of him. I saw it yesterday when he came home, after I questioned him about the delivery. Regret narrowed his eyes. And again last night, after his shower when I reminded him of our agreement. He seemed rather high and mighty until I explained my “relationship” with Connor to him. Then guilt weighted his tone and darkened his aura.
I started to think I was wearing him down. I grew closer to getting him where I wanted him. But then I stopped and wondered if things had changed. Rather than play him the way I was, I wondered if things could be different. I couldn’t help but think about how the next six months would play out if I stopped fighting him and gave in. Mended our broken friendship and found our way back to one another. And again, it made me question if that was truly what I wanted. The money would still be there at the end of this. He’d given me a free place to stay. I didn’t have any real rush, and I found myself more tolerant of the idea of waiting.
When we pulled into my parents’ driveway, he shifted the car into park and turned to look at me. “Did you hear anything I said?”
“Nope.” I dramatically popped the P. “Not a word. So, Cliff, give me your notes. What did I miss?”
He closed his eyes and huffed a chuckle. It was so sexy I nearly missed the condensed version of whatever he said on the ride over. “Just remember, you promised to not bring anything up. Don’t pry. If anything comes up in conversation that you’re confused about, then by all means, ask about it. But don’t throw me under the bus by acting all weird and asking random questions.”
“I still think you’re making all this up. But don’t worry, I won’t ask anything unless it’s warranted.”
“I’m not fabricating anything, Janelle.” His wit quickly evaporated, and his irritation became known when he jammed his finger into the ignition button, swiftly shutting off the car, and forcefully throwing his car door open.
In a panic, I grabbed his forearm and waited until his stormy eyes found mine. “If you’re not making it up, then that means it’s real. It means it’s true. And without anything to go on, my mind resorts to the worst-case scenarios. Meaning…someone in that house is about to die, someone is on dialysis for kidney failure, and there’s a good chance three more have some infectious disease they aren’t aware of. But in reality, you could just mean someone has lice and someone else has a rash—a non-life threatening rash. So I’m not accusing you of making anything up. I’m telling myself you are because if I don’t, I’ll go crazy wondering what’s wrong with who and why no one told me.”
His eyes softened and his shoulders relaxed when he pulled in a deep breath. “Come on. Let’s go inside,” he whispered and climbed from the car.
It only took about thirty seconds to see how much my entire family loved Holden. Not that I had any doubts or couldn’t remember it from before. But now, I almost felt like an outsider, like I was Holden’s dinner guest or something. It was extremely awkward, and I wasn’t sure how to handle myself. Since moving in with Holden, I’d seen my mom once, and my dad briefly at the same time. But that was it. I hadn’t seen my sisters in a year and a half since I didn’t make it home this past Christmas. That was the last time I’d seen Matthew too, but at least I talked to him on the phone from time to time. Now, walking inside behind Holden, watching my sisters greet him with smiles and excitement, made it hurt that much worse when they turned their attention to me and it lacked the same enthusiasm.
What hurt even more was when I headed toward the kitchen for a drink and stopped short of the entryway when I heard Stacey and Rachel talking in low tones, hushed, as if holding a surreptitious conversation. I paused, leaned against the wall, and waited a moment to figure out what they were talking about, hoping to get some kind of insight into these family secrets Holden kept hinting at.
“It’s obvious she doesn’t want to be here, so I don’t know why she is.”
“Just give her a chance, Stacey. We’re a rather intimidating bunch, and walking back into this can’t be easy. I’ll admit, it would’ve been nice if Mom had told us she was coming. Or better yet, it would’ve been nice to know she was coming with Holden. Or living with him. We were a little blindsided, I’ll give you that.”
I held my breath and blinked, willing my tears to stay put.
“She wants something. That’s the only thing that makes sense,” Stacey continued.
“You don’t know that.”
“Why else is she here? I asked Mom if she got a job in town, thinking maybe that was her reason for coming back, and she said as far as she knew, Janelle was still looking for one. Which means she’s not here for work. What other reason would she have to move back?”
There was a long pause before Rachel, my youngest sister—who was nine years older than me—spoke again. “Are her and Holden together? They used to be close before she left. Maybe they have a thing and she came back to see where it’d go.”
Silence stretched out before the sound of a smack filled the room, followed by Stacey gasping, “Ouch.” After a few hushed giggles, Stacey finally said, “I highly doubt that. For several reasons. One…if they had something before she left, that would’ve put her at seventeen or eighteen, and he would’ve been twenty-one or twenty-two. I doubt at that age, in or fresh out of college, he would’ve found anything in common with a girl in high school.”
“You never know. I met Steve when I was a senior and he was in college.”
“I guess it’s not impossible, but I just don’t see it. She’s too immature. He runs a private accounting firm with Matt—who’s married and very much an adult. He’s got far too much going for him to waste his time with Janelle.”
The burning behind my eyes grew more intense, and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stop it.
“Why are you hating on her so much?”
Stacey huffed, and even without seeing her, I knew exactly what she looked like—head thrown back, eyes rolling, and mouth agape. Her typical frustration tantrum. “I don’t mean to hate on her. She’s my sister, and I obviously love her. But it’s irritating how she gets away with everything. It’s like we’re all held accountable to such impossibly high standards, and she gets to do whatever the hell she wants.” The more she talked, the louder her voice became until Rachel quieted her down. “I know you see it, too. You feel it, too. I’m not the only one. We’re all here—physically, mentally, and emotionally. But where is she?”
“Being young, Stacey. She’s in her early twenties. She just finished college.”
“That’s not an excuse. When we were her age, we had jobs—full-blown careers. When Nikki was twenty-three, she was a mom. She had a baby, and a husband, who was still in school. She had a family to take care of. Look at Matty. He was already married to Christine when he was fresh out of college, getting ready to get his CPA license. Making preparations to open his own accounting firm…with Holden. So no, her being in her early twenties, just out of college isn’t an excuse to be so flighty.”
I couldn’t take any more. For all I knew, they continued their conversation. M
aybe Rachel agreed with her. Maybe she didn’t and actually stuck up for me. I would never know, because I refused to stick around and hear the rest. I ran away from the kitchen, down the hall, and didn’t stop until I twisted the doorknob to the bathroom and pushed it open.
Only to run face-first into a very hard wall of muscle.
I glanced up, tears streaming down my cheeks and blurring my sight, but they didn’t stop me from recognizing Holden as I held onto him, steadying myself after the harsh impact. Without hesitation, he pulled me into the newly remodeled bathroom and set me up on the fancy vanity. Once the door was closed, the latch clicking in place, he situated himself between my legs and held my face in his hands.
Tears came for many different reasons, and people reacted to them in many different ways. For me, if I cried, there was a good chance it was because I’d found myself in that tight space between rage and frustration. The point when the anger implodes and you don’t know if you want to punch a brick wall with your bare knuckles or drink your weight in tequila, because you know once you get the anger out, you’ll feel better. For me, that’s the moment I break down in tears. That’s how I got the anger out. When I got sad, I became quiet and withdrawn, so my friends always said if I had tears in my eyes, it was time to run.
Unfortunately for Holden, he never got that memo.
He shushed me softly, his entire demeanor full of immense sympathy. However, that only made things worse. Not only did I despise being hushed, I also couldn’t stand pity. It only served to make me angrier, which made me cry harder, all of which Holden had no idea how to handle.
Aside from the typical tears of a child, the only time he’d ever seen me lose it like this was after my breakup with Justin. Even then, there was enough separation between the physical breakup and finding myself crying on his couch. He never witnessed the blinding rage that poured out of me in the form of saltwater coating my cheeks.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” The level of concern in his tone was noted, but it wasn’t enough to calm the storm. It wasn’t until the pads of his thumbs traced over my cheek bones, wiping away my liquefied frustration, that I finally stilled. With my hands fisted in his shirt, our gazes locked together, I was reminded of him being my hero. And rather than fight him like I had been since coming back, I gave in and let him rescue me. “Babe…what happened? Talk to me.”
Ignoring the term of endearment, because I didn’t have anywhere near the right amount of headspace to analyze that blunder, I sniffled and tucked my chin, prepared to explain to him what I’d heard before running into him. “I overheard Stacey and Rachel in the kitchen. Stacey doesn’t want me here.”
“That’s not true. I’m sure she wants you here very much. I know she’s missed you a lot over the years.”
“You’re a horrible liar.” I tried to laugh, but it just sounded pathetic and made me cringe. “She said I get away with everything, and I’m too immature. Oh, and you’d never be interested in me because you’re far too good for someone flighty like me.”
“I’m sure she didn’t say that. And if she did, she’s probably taking her stress out on you. It’s not right, and she shouldn’t have said any of that, but if they were talking in the kitchen, behind your back, you were never really meant to hear it.”
I peered up at him and blinked slowly, as if I’d misunderstood him, like the more I stared and the slower I blinked, I could rewind time and hear the words he really said. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.
“I’m sorry, what?”
7
Janelle
I shoved at his chest in a vain attempt to push him away. I should’ve known it would be futile—you can’t budge a brick wall. But that didn’t stop me. My anger fueled my need to add distance between us, which outweighed my hormone’s desire to have him wedged between my legs. Had we not been wearing pants, the outcome might’ve been rather different.
“I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but sometimes, people need to state their frustrations out loud. They have to purge them so they aren’t obsessing about it or letting it fester until it ruins their day. It’s not right to talk about people behind their backs. I will fully admit that. But if she’s upset about something, isn’t it better that she gets it out to her sister, someone who can defend you in your absence, rather than hold it in and take it out on you to your face?”
“How about she not be mad at me, period? She doesn’t have any reason to be pissed off. I haven’t done anything to her. To accuse me of always getting what I want, like I’m some spoiled brat…?”
He lifted his left shoulder and tilted his head toward it, giving me the scrunched-up face that said, “well…they’re right and you’re wrong, but I’m not going to say that so I’m just going to shrug, cock my head to the side, and curl my lip like I just ate old cheese.”
“I am not a spoiled brat.” I shoved at him again and fought to slide off the vanity.
But he refused to let me. Instead, he remained between my legs, his hands on my shoulders with his thumbs beneath my jaw, forcing me to look at him. “I wouldn’t say ‘spoiled brat,’ and I’m sure your sister didn’t use those words, either. But you do get away with a lot. And you pretty much get everything you want.”
I was pretty sure my eyes were about to bug out of my head with as wide as I opened them to stare at him. “Did I get what I wanted on my first day of kindergarten? When I was so excited to finally be in school like everyone else, with a backpack on and my hair neatly braided, only to hear my mom do nothing but brag about Nikki going to college? Her first baby, away at school. Out of the nest. And it wasn’t just once, either. I understand that my memory isn’t so great from that long ago, and there’s a chance things have been exaggerated over the years, but from what I recall, she brought it up a thousand times.”
“Really? A thousand? You sure it wasn’t like a hundred million?”
“Don’t be an ass,” I whined and slapped his chest. “You know what I mean. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, when she picked me up that day, she spent the entire drive home on the phone, talking about Nikki. So I don’t recall getting what I wanted then. Or how about when my parents told me they’d let me take piano lessons when I was ten, providing I made good grades? But when I did what was asked of me, earned straight As, I was told piano lessons were out of the question because Nikki got knocked up so they had a wedding to pay for and not much time to save. Which means my piano money funded her shotgun wedding. And after that, they had to help financially support them because Shane was still in college.”
Even though he didn’t move and continued to force me to look at him, at least he stopped talking. Instead, he stood there, perched between my parted legs, hands on my face, with his thumbs ever so gently removing the streaks of exasperation from my cheeks.
“And Stacey has no room to talk. She moved away for college and only moved back when her husband lost his job and she couldn’t afford to solely keep her family afloat. So who the hell does she think she is, saying anything about me being gone? At least I didn’t come crawling back to Mommy and Daddy, begging for their help because my man couldn’t hold onto his paycheck.”
“Don’t…Janelle.” He shook his head, sorrow filling his eyes. “You don’t know anything about that situation. So until you do, maybe you shouldn’t throw stones.”
“Then tell me. He didn’t lose his job?”
“No…he did. He was let go.”
“Okay then.” I refused to listen to him argue in her favor. “I didn’t say anything wrong. He was let go. Laid off. Fired. Forced retirement. I don’t care what term it’s given or what they’re calling it. Bottom line is, he lost his paychecks so they came back with their tails tucked between their legs and let everyone else take care of them.”
Finally, with a hearty intake of air, he stepped away from me. “You’re angry over hearing her say hurtful things about you behind your back. I get it. You have every right to feel upset, but how is what you’re doing any better
? How is it any different?”
I refused to answer him, because I didn’t like admitting that he was right.
“Surely, you can understand the need to get it out to someone you care about, knowing it’s a safe place, rather than let it fester and ruin your day.”
“So it’s okay for her to talk shit about me, but I can’t say anything about her? What’s going on, Holden? Do you have a thing for her? Are you two fucking behind Tony’s back?” As soon as he leaned toward me, his hand in a fist with one finger pointed angrily in my direction, I knew I’d overstepped my bounds.
I just didn’t know how far until he started to talk.
“This is your family. There will be highs. There will be lows. But no matter what, at the end of the day, they are yours. They share your blood, your sweat, your tears. If you ever find yourself needing them, they will rally together and come for you, no questions asked. The least you can do is show them the same courtesy.”
“Why are you on their side?” I asked in such a desperate whisper I had to close my eyes, not wanting him to see me as exposed as I felt in that moment.
“I really wish you could see this for what it is. I’m not on their side, Janelle. I’m on yours.” And with that, he yanked the door open with enough strength, I worried he’d torn it off its hinges. Then he stalked away and left me alone on the vanity, tears tracking down my face.