by Leddy Harper
I’d never felt so alone in my life. Rather than lock myself in the bathroom, I followed Holden out. But where he turned left to meet everyone outside on the back patio, I turned right, heading to the front door. I made it outside but stopped on the top step, realizing by the sight of Holden’s burnt-orange Challenger, that I didn’t have a car. Which meant I had no way of leaving. I was stuck here, whether I liked it or not.
“What’s cookin’, good lookin’?” Matthew asked from behind me, probably seeing me run out and knowing something was wrong.
I quickly wiped my face and took a seat on the front stoop, not speaking until he joined me. “No one wants me here, but they don’t have the balls to tell me to my face. Instead, I have to hear it being whispered behind my back.”
“I’m not sure what you heard or who you heard say it, but I’m willing to bet you misunderstood something. We’re all very excited to have you back. I know Christine and I were thrilled when Holden called to tell us you were going to stay with him for a bit while you looked for a job.”
Knowing Holden had lied to his best friend to protect me—and him, too—made my chest constrict. Sure, he wouldn’t risk telling Matthew the real reason I was living with him, but he didn’t have to elaborate and offer extended fabricated pieces of information to make me look better.
“In fact, I was just talking to Nikki, and she’s so happy that we’re all local again. Mom won’t stop talking about having all her babies under one roof.” He made sure to say that with a mocking tone, making Mom sound like some old, frail lady with no teeth. We laughed for a second before he placed his hand on my back and grew serious. “Really, Jelly, I’m not lying. I don’t know what you heard—or what you think you heard—but I’m willing to bet you misunderstood.”
“As much as I want to believe you, Matt, I can’t. I heard what she said. Stacey doesn’t want me here. She’s mad that I’m here. I’m not sure if she means ‘here’ as in Mom and Dad’s house, or in general, like mad that I moved back. Oh, but she loves Holden. It’s very clear that he fits in with everyone better than I do…all because I went off to school and was busy getting a degree.”
He sat next to me with his back hunched, his arms resting on his knees, and stared at the empty lot across the street through squinted eyes. He had something he wanted to say, but needed a moment to organize his thoughts, so I waited patiently for him to get it all together. Yet, I didn’t expect to hear him say what he did.
“Don’t listen to her. She’s bitter—but she has a right to be.” He turned his blue eyes—true blue, not some odd mixture of whatever leftover color I got—to me and silenced me with his stare. It was eerie, but at the same time, trusting. “Stacey and Tony waited way too long before they came home. I guess they kept hoping they’d be able to dig themselves out of their hole. She hung on until the last possible second, because the thought of asking for help made her sick.”
“That’s not my fault, though.”
“No. It’s not. And she shouldn’t take her anger out on you. I’m not justifying her actions—never have and never will. Hell, I disagree with the majority of what Stacey does. But it’s not my life, so my opinions don’t matter. Who am I to judge what they do? In my opinion, I think they should’ve come to us, as a family, long before they did. They wouldn’t have needed half as much help had they come to us sooner. But I can’t dwell on that. I have to be thankful they’re okay, and they’ve made it through.”
“How bad was it? He lost his job…what am I missing?”
“He lost his job months and months before anyone knew.”
My mouth fell open, and I stared in shock at my brother. “He didn’t tell her that he was fired?”
“He wasn’t fired. He was let go. But that’s beside the point. She knew, but no one else did. Meaning, we didn’t know. Stacey didn’t tell Mom and Dad until close to a year later. They had bills they couldn’t pay, more than normal, and even though she took on extra nursing shifts, they couldn’t cut it. So Dad offered him a job selling insurance, and Stacey got hired as an at-home care nurse, but that still didn’t cover it. Finally, about a year ago, Holden pulled together enough money to pay off their bills to get that monster off their backs.”
There was so much to say, but I couldn’t form any words. I couldn’t lie—it made my heart happy to hear how Holden had helped my family, knowing he’d never see that money again. It wasn’t a loan, but a gift, and I had trouble wrapping my head around that kind of generosity. Not that it was foreign to me, because heartless people did not raise me. I guess more than anything, it proved how much Holden was an intricate part of this family.
“So if all that happened a while ago—the bills being paid off a year ago—why is she still so bitter?”
Matthew took a deep breath and slowly let it out while staring off into the distance, almost avoiding eye contact. “I don’t think she’s a bitter person, if that makes sense. But I do think she holds some sort of resentment for you. I don’t know if it’s jealousy-based, because while she was going through one the most difficult points in her life, you were off living it up and having fun. Or if she feels like you didn’t care because you weren’t here when she needed you the most.”
“I didn’t even know—”
He held up his hand to stop my screeching argument. “I know, Jelly. And deep down, she knows, too. I don’t think that’s where her bitterness comes from, because I want to believe she’s capable of seeing the entire picture. I’ve had to point it out to her a few times, and I know Tony has, as well. She kept us all in the dark, and because of that, she can’t blame anyone but herself. Although, if I’m being honest here…” He caught my attention and waited a few blinks before continuing. “I think she found herself hanging by a thread, at the end of her rope, clinging onto life itself as if she were down to her last breath. And now, she has all the air she wants and her rope has been extended, but her nerves are still fried. Have you ever been so stressed that even after it’s passed your heart still beats fast and your chest remains tight? I think that’s how it is for her.”
“But you just said the bills were paid a year ago. How much longer does she plan to hold onto the anxiety? Maybe she should seek help, talk to someone.”
Complete and utter desolation covered his face like a veil, darkening his features. “She is talking to someone. Has been for a while now. And I don’t think her anxiety is over what happened as much as it is simply caused by it. I think she’s more worried about the other shoe dropping than she is about the past.”
I nodded, finally understanding what he tried so carefully to explain. But it left me feeling certain that whatever Holden thought I needed to be here for, it had something to do with Stacey. It was obvious she needed me, and even more evident that she wouldn’t lean on me willingly. I’d promised Holden I wouldn’t pry, so I resigned myself to sitting on the sidelines and waiting for the invitation to come, hoping at some point, it would.
“Thanks, Matthew. I appreciate the pep talk. It’s been a bit stressful coming back, and nothing made me feel more estranged from my own flesh and blood than walking inside and being treated as if I were a stranger.”
“Well, you haven’t been here for a long time. A lot can happen, sis. And a lot did. But that doesn’t mean you’re not welcome or wanted. It just means we have to adjust to the final member of the Brewer clan returning and make room within the circle for you.”
“That circle seems rather tight at the moment.”
He knocked his shoulder into mine and said, “Eh…it is, but that’s not a bad thing. Being part of a strong support system is far better than being part of a weak one. And it doesn’t mean there’s not enough room for more people to squeeze in. Just imagine how much tighter it’ll be when you worm your way back in.”
“You’re very uplifting, has anyone ever told you that before?” My words practically dripped with sarcasm. “You should be a motivational speaker. In the event being a CPA fails you, and Brewer and York falls
apart, at least you know you have something to fall back on.”
Laughing, he leaned forward until he pulled himself to his feet. “You coming inside, or do you plan to isolate yourself even more and stay out here, staring off at an empty lot? I could tell Mom you’re thinking about buying it so you can build a house on it and live across the street from her. I could really make her day if I told her you planned to live there with Holden and have all his babies.”
“Ew.” I scrunched my nose and curled my lip in faux disgust, when secretly, my ovaries were throwing a party and saying prayers. “He’s your best friend, and I’m your baby sister; don’t you find that repulsive?”
He shoved his hands into his pockets and grinned. “I don’t like the idea, so don’t go taking me seriously and try to make it happen, but I can’t say it repulses me. Ultimately, I want someone for you who will take care of you. You deserve someone to love you unconditionally and stand by you every single day of your life. I know Holden is the kind of guy who could do that, which is why I don’t hate the idea. Although, I feel certain there are others out there capable of treating you just as well, which means you should find one of them. My statement was in no way a blessing or a show of support.”
“Whatever, Matty. You know you two have been planning our wedding since you were kids so you guys could finally be brothers.” We both laughed in unison while he helped me off the porch and led me back inside.
Matt grabbed a beer from the fridge and then headed out back where it seemed everyone else gathered. I found a single can of my favorite soda hidden in the back on the bottom shelf, and as soon as I pulled it out and let the door fall closed, I shrieked in surprise at the sight of Holden standing there. I glanced around the room and then peered down the hall, pleased to see we were alone.
When my heart slowed down enough to talk without sounding like I’d suddenly picked up jogging, I moved closer to him and lowered my voice. “Matthew told me about you giving Stacey money. He said they had bills even after moving home and you helped pay them off. That was really nice of you.”
It took him a beat, but he finally pulled away from me and turned to leave without speaking.
I grabbed his hand, unintentionally slipping my palm against his and lazily lacing our fingers together. “You don’t have anything to say? You’re just going to walk away as if I didn’t just speak to you?”
“You didn’t ask me a question, Janelle. Therefore, I’m not required to say anything. And honestly, I don’t even know what to say to that. Are you asking me if that’s true? Then yes. I did. They needed help, and I had the resources to help them, so I did. Should I thank you for the awkward compliment? In that case, thanks for telling me how nice my gesture was. I didn’t do it to look nice.”
I swallowed thickly and glanced around once more, needing to be sure no one could overhear my next words. “You got really defensive in the bathroom when I accused you of having an affair with her. I understand I was out of line and what I said was uncalled for. But I can’t stop thinking about your reaction, which wouldn’t be more than an errant thought had I not just found out about the other thing.”
“What other thing?”
“You giving her money. I wasn’t lying—that was really nice of you to do. And I understand that you did it because you’re a good person with a good heart. I know I have no right to ask this, but I’m begging you to tell me the truth. No matter what your answer is, I won’t tell anyone. You have my word on that, especially since you have so much against me. But I need the peace of mind one way or another.” I licked my lips and paused to swallow past the knot in my throat.
But Holden didn’t give me the chance to finish my question. He leaned into me, walking me backward a few steps until the counter met my back and stopped my retreat. Rather than hold himself up by the edge of the granite as he towered above me, he gripped my hips and held me against him. I had my head all the way back in order to see him as he peered down at me, my breath catching in my throat, my heart racing as each second passed.
“You wanna know if there’s anything going on between me and your sister?” With most of our fronts pressed together, he lowered his mouth to my ear, completely forming his body along mine. “I’ve been inside you, Janelle. Just because you forgot doesn’t mean I did. It doesn’t mean it didn’t happen…all four times. And I remember every single second of it. I know in detail what it was like to break through your virginity, to be the first one to ever slide all the way into you. To be buried balls-deep in your pussy. I’ll never forget the way you sounded when I made you scream for me the first time. And every time after that. The way you gasped my name as you came on my cock.”
Seconds before I gave in and humped his leg like a stray dog, he took a step back and leveled his heated stare with mine. “I have a strict policy against keeping things in the family. Once I’m with someone, all siblings are added to the no-touch list.”
I nodded…and blinked…and fought desperately to catch my breath without looking like a panting whore in church. But I failed. Miserably. Luckily, all Holden did was laugh and leave me to recover alone in the kitchen, where I melted against the counter with the cold can of soda pressed against my feverish neck. If anyone walked in right now, they’d more than likely offer me one of Mom’s estrogen pills and the ice pack she kept in the freezer to combat her hot flashes.
I was so screwed.
8
Holden
We managed to make it through the rest of dinner without another issue. Though, I did see what Janelle was talking about regarding the awkwardness with Stacey. I made sure to keep an eye on them without being obvious, and even though Stacey wasn’t rude to her, she wasn’t exactly accommodating, either. I only hoped after another week or so it’d all be back to normal, and maybe she’d start to open up to Janelle.
By the time we got back home, it was still early enough to hang out, so I asked her to watch a movie with me. Ever since she came out of her room this morning nearly naked, I’d plotted my revenge. And this seemed like the perfect time to execute my plan. She headed back to her room to change, and I quickly stripped out of my clothes, leaving me in nothing but my boxer briefs. Then I sat on the couch, much like she had this morning, and waited for her like a lion waits for its prey.
“What movie did you have in…?” At first, she didn’t see me as she came down the hallway from her bedroom, but the second she made it to the living room, she dramatically slowed and her speech halted. It wasn’t like she’d put on the brakes or acted like she’d hit a brick wall. It was far more slow motion than that. First her body—her feet continued for a few more steps after she’d made eye contact. Then her words rolled to a stop after a couple syllables, and finally her expression—eyes wide with shock, mouth agape. And then, as if someone merely decelerating to rubberneck at a traffic accident, she began to come back and gradually continue. “What are you doing?”
“Waiting for you. And I’m not picky; we can watch whatever you want. Free movie channels this weekend, ending tonight, so you have plenty of options.”
“No.” She waved her hand in front of her, gesturing to me. “What are you doing…like that?”
I glanced down at my state of undress with mock confusion and ran my hand down my torso before meeting her gaze, ensuring she saw me. And she did. Her chest rose and fell with each desperate breath she took while her eyes methodically traced every body part—every last one of them. When she turned her attention back to my face, I couldn’t help but rejoice in the sight of her flushed cheeks.
“Oh, I just got comfortable for a movie. If this makes you uncomfortable, I’ll gladly go put some more clothes on. I didn’t think it would bother you.” I might’ve laid it on too thick, because as soon as I finished, her eyes lit up and the faintest hint of a smile shadowed one corner of her mouth.
Had I not been looking, I would’ve missed it—the slight twitch in her left brow and the seamless transition from surprise to confidence in her body language
. “No need to put clothes on for me,” she said without a hitch in her voice as she sashayed toward me, stalking me. “What you have on is perfect.”
She was calling my bluff.
This was the part where she expected me to get up, on my own accord, and either change or hide in my room. As uncomfortable as I knew playing this out would be, I couldn’t back down just yet. Janelle had to learn I wouldn’t concede to a fight. So instead of caving under the intense pressure of her gaze, I locked my hands behind my head and reclined into the overstuffed pillows behind me. “Then let’s get to it. Feel free to peruse through what I have…to watch. Check it all out. Let me know what looks good—what you just have to see.”
I’d known Janelle for a very long time. If I had to place a bet on who’d cave first, I’d pick her without a doubt. So when her brow arched and her lips curled into the most devious grin I’d ever seen on her glossy lips, I knew she not only called the ante, but she also raised it.
“I already know what I want to see.” She’d lowered her voice to this sultry, phone-sex operator level that seemed to hum through her. She had me so wrapped up in the way she purred, along with her bright-blue eyes and deceitful smirk, that I nearly lost my composure when she straddled my thighs and pressed her blazing palms against my shoulders, as if holding on.
“W-what—” I had to clear my throat, close my eyes, and take a deep breath before continuing, pretty sure I’d just given her an idea of my poker hand. But I wasn’t ready to fold yet. I knew well enough to predict we were both bluffing, and it basically was nothing more than a game of who could last the longest. “What movie did you decide on?”
“I’m torn. There are so many to choose from. Maybe you can help me choose.”
At some point—and I honestly had no clue when, considering I’d lost most of my brain cells after she perched herself on my lap—my arms had fallen away from behind my head to settle against the cushions. It’d been many years since the last time I didn’t know what to do with my hands in the company of a woman, but apparently, it could still happen. I dropped my gaze to her neck, thinking if I didn’t look her in the eyes, I would be fine. That’s when I noticed the rapid thrumming of her pulse just beneath her skin. It seemed she was just as affected as I was, and not at all cool, calm, and collected like she wanted me to believe.