If I Lose

by Kelsey D. Garmendia

  Day 1

  I wake up on a moist concrete floor. Dust is caked to my skin. A single bulb in the ceiling casts off just enough light to see the center of the room.

  I push myself up from the ground. My ribs throb. I life my shirt and see spotted bruises scattered over my skin. They got me good.

  I grab the wire connecting the light bulb to the ceiling and shine the light around me. I’m in a padded room without the pads. The walls have stains in different colors of red everywhere. There aren’t windows—I must be somewhere no one will find me.

  The door opens and two shadows stand in front of it. I shield my eyes from the burning light. A metal pinging rattles my ears, and the door slams with a thud. I shine the bulb at the door and see a metal bucket with water and bread on the floor.

  I feel like I’m in a fucking movie. What’s next, they come and tie me to a chair while someone beats information out of me? I grab the bread and bite down; I think I just chipped one of my teeth on this thing.

  The water gives off a rotten-egg smell, but I drink it anyway. If they wanted to kill me, they would’ve put a bullet between my eyes already.

  Day 2

  “Get up,” a voice says. “Get up!”

  An arm picks me up by my ribs. Pain floods through my body. I let out some combination of a warrior scream and a whimper. I drive my elbow into someone’s nose.

  “Jesus!”

  A thousand hands are on me in seconds. I’m pinned to the ground with knees pressing into the tender skin around my ribs. I watch a pair of glassy boots step towards me—Gunnar.

  “Soldiers!” he shouts. “Enough! All I asked was to get Ms. Henderson on her feet.”

  “She elbowed me in the face, sir.”

  “Go rub some dirt in it, and cry to your momma then,” Gunnar growls. The soldier lets out a grunt and stalks out of the room while mumbling under his breath. “Now, please escort Ms. Henderson to the interrogation room.”

  I’m dragged under my arms out of my cell into the bright hallway. I look around to see if an exit is anywhere. But every hallway looks identical; gray concrete stones crisscrossed into a perfect maze.

  We reach a door, and I feel my stomach drop. I’ve seen this door before. I’ve seen it in my nightmares. It’s the very first room I was brought to here. This was where I was lied to for the very first time.

  “Ms. Henderson, are you all right?” Gunnar says. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  “Why are you bringing me here?” my voice comes out clean despite my fear of what’s behind the door.

  “Let’s go inside and talk,” Gunnar says opening the door for me.

  The soldiers release my arms, and I fall to my knees. My ribs explode with pain. I pull myself to my feet using the wall as support. It’s difficult to breathe, but I try to do so without wincing.

  I walk into the room and feel a bit of relief when I see a table with two chairs on opposite sides.

  “Please, sit,” Gunnar says closing the door behind us.

  I sit in the chair closest to the door. Gunnar removes his uniform jacket and drapes it over the back of the other chair. He rolls up sleeves and sits down across from me.

  “Are you hungry?” he says. “You did skip breakfast time.”

  “What do you want?”

  “To allow me to explain yourself,” he says. “I hear and see everything that happens in the Fort. You can call me—I don’t know—the God of the survivors.

  A handful of my soldiers have reported you as the person who last saw Isha Banks. I understand you two had gotten close over your time here. I think relationships are good for the Fort. They build trust, build community. Make this place a home and a sanctuary.

  Now, I know why you were with Isha, but what I don’t know is what he told you.”

  “I have to admit, beating me and taking me in the middle of the night from my home isn’t the best way to get me to talk,” I say.

  “Exactly why I brought you in here!” Gunnar says smiling. “I realized I never just came right out and asked you. I just couldn’t risk you trying to sneak out of here with him.”

  I nod my head and lean back in my chair. Something awful is about to happen. Something that will change me forever unless I get out of this room. I look around the concrete walls and flashes of my first torture pop into my head. I grip the table legs in an attempt to ground myself.

  “Ms. Henderson?” Gunnar says reaching across the table.

  “I don’t know anything,” I say.

  “Isha came to you though,” he says frowning. “You were with him—”

  “And I haven’t seen him since last night,” I say. “The last thing he said to me was—” He left. He made it out of here. I almost let it slip out of my mouth until I saw Gunnar’s face.

  His eyes are bulging, sweat glints off his forehead and he’s leaning so far over the table his shoulders are within an arm’s length. I sit back in my chair and shake my head.

  “Go on,” Gunnar says. “This is a completely safe environment. No one can hurt you.”

  “And if I tell you, will you release me,” I say.

  “In time,” he says.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Well, Ms. Henderson, you haven’t been completely honest about what you know thus far,” he says standing from his chair. “If we’re going to build a community here, we can’t keep someone who lies to everyone living among all the honest people.”

  “I never lied—”

  “You’re lying right now,” he says slamming his fist on the table. “I know for a fact that you know what happened to Isha and his sister.”

  I close my mouth. How the hell am I going to get myself out of this one? The only person who kept me from getting thrown out of here is gone.

  I can’t push down the anger anymore. How could he leave us here? He must have known that this is what would happen to me and my family if he left. I grind my teeth to quell the heat rising from my gut.

  “Why are you protecting someone who left?” he yells. “What are you hiding?”

  “Nothing!”

  Gunnar lets out a long sigh and paces in front of me. I’m never going to leave here. If it’s up to the man in front of me, I’ll rot into the concrete before he even considers letting me go.

  “If you tell us where Isha is, we won’t harm you,” he says. “You’ll be free to go.”

  “And my children?” I say. “What about them?”

  “No,” he says. “It’s you only.”

  I let out a sigh, draw my fingers across my lips like there’s a zipper and throw away the imaginary key. “I’m not condemning my children to a life like this,” I say.

  “Well, that’s most unfortunate,” Gunnar says shaking his head. “But I still think I can weasel a couple of things out of you with a little persuasion.”

  The door swings open and boots echo into the room. I stand from my chair and attempt to make it to the door. I get clotheslined before I take three steps. My arms are pinned to the ground by sturdy hands. A potato sack covers my head in seconds.

  “Ms. Henderson, I would like to inform you that you just made the biggest mistake of your life.”

  Day 3

  This is it. They’re gonna kill me this time.

  My upper body is pulled up out of the water. I sputter air into my lungs. My vision is a black tunnel.

  Gunnar scrunches down in front of my face. He shakes his head waving a finger in front of me. “Tsk, tsk, Ms. Henderson,” he says. “It’s against the rules to help someone escape the Fort. Especially one of the most talented doctors in the Northeast.”

  “I don’t know where Isha went,” I sputter. “I told you that.”

  “Soldiers reported seeing you two leave Third Class Housing after curfew the night before he disappeared,” he

  says. “Who am I gonna believe? My soldier? Or some little girl?”

  I hyperventilate the air into my lungs feeling another drowning coming. I can’t
tell if it’s water or tears running down my face anymore. Gunnar nods his head, and the soldiers push my head under the water again.

  Day 4

  Today is quiet. The light in the center of the room flickers like a strobe. Sometimes it goes out completely and my heart throbs.

  Did they forget about me? Are they going to kill me today? Am I really alone here?

  Usually it comes back on within a few seconds. But right now, it’s been out for at least five minutes. Although I don’t really know if it’s been out for five minutes or 10 seconds. What I would give to have a watch right now.

  The door swings open, and the light stings my eyes. “Hello?” I say shielding my face. I hear murmuring but

  nothing more than that. “Please, just tell me what they’re going to do to me.”

  The metal clang of a bucket rings in my ears. The door slams, and I’m alone again. The light in the ceiling turns on, and I search for the bucket. I grab the handle and feel that it’s empty. I look inside and see a white square looks up at me with, “Give it up,” written in black marker. I reach in and grab it from the bottom. On the other side is a Polaroid of Aisley and Nolan standing alongside of Gunnar.

  His arm is draped over Nolan’s shoulder. The other one is wrapped around Aisley’s waist. Aisley leans away from him with her hand clenched into a fist. No one is smiling except for Gunnar; a crooked smile that makes my insides knot.

  I shove my head in the bottom of the bucket and gag.

  Give it up—will that even save us?

  Day 5

  I haven’t eaten since—I guess, three or four days ago. They gave me a bucket of water that I’ve been stretching, but it’s almost gone now.

  I don’t feel that dizzy though ‘cause I’m laying down. Laying down requires less energy which means I won’t pass out as fast.

  “Ms. Henderson,” I flinch at the sound of his voice. He must have came in during my delirious babbling. “You want to talk today?”

  I let my silence answer for him. What would I have to say to him? Hands grab my clothes and lift me from the ground into a chair. My hands are pulled behind me. I hear

  the jingling of handcuffs and feel the cold metal touch my wrists.

  Remember to push your arms outward if someone tries to handcuff you. It’ll give you enough room to slide your hand out of the cuffs.

  Thank you, Xavier. I turn my hands apart as the cuffs click close. When it’s all said and done, I’ll slip these cuffs and strangle the life from Gunnar.

  “Where did Isha go?” Gunnar asks. The soldier backs away into the darkness of the room.

  “What’s the point, Gunnar?” I say. “If I say I don’t know, you torture me. If I did know and told you, you’d throw me to the dogs.”

  Gunnar laughs. He pulls a cattle prod from behind his back and smacks it against his hand. I push myself back in my seat. I was not expecting this. He lets out a low laugh. “Well, aren’t you catching on quick,” he growls. The metal prongs stick into my side and send thousands of volts through my body.

  My vocal cords are paralyzed. Time freezes in one excruciating moment. Then I feel nothing. I try to lift my head, but it bounces around like a rag doll. I turn my eyes upward.

  “Now,” Gunnar says. “I don’t like being this person. But I assure you Ms. Henderson, I am very, very good at it.”

  I think my nose is bleeding, but I’m not really sure. I swallow past the dryness in my mouth. “What—” my lips feel like rubber. “What do you want me to say?”

  “The truth,” he says into my ear. “Considering that your whole existence here was built upon a fabrication, it’d be nice to hear the truth from you.”

  “I think you’re a complete scumbag,” I say. “How’s that?”

  Gunnar laughs while circling my chair like a hawk. He comes in front of me again and leans on the armrests of the chair. He looks into my eyes and squints. “If you’re trying to read my thoughts, good luck with that.”

  He clenches his jaw and lets out a hoarse laugh. I slip one hand from its cuff. Gunnar brings the cattle prod around for another blow to my side. I swing my fist into his jaw. The cattle prod drops onto my chair as Gunnar falls to his side. I grab the cattle prod and hold it to his throat.

  “Try something, and I’ll fucking fry him,” I yell at the soldier.

  “Sir?” he says.

  “It’s all right, Soldier,” Gunnar says. “She won’t harm me.”

  “The hell I won’t!” I yell. I push the prod deeper into his neck. “I’ll fucking kill him. Then I’ll kill the soldier, and I’ll go and grab Aisley and Nolan and—”

  “If you do, I’ll give the order to take out your children,” Gunnar says.

  “What?” I whimper.

  “If you kill me, that soldier over there will radio my watchman, and he will blow your children’s brains out with a .50 cal rifle.”

  I look at the soldier across the room and then back at Gunnar. “You’re bluffing.”

  “Ms. Henderson, I thought you knew me better,” he purrs.

  I step back from him and feel my knees buckle. The room seems much smaller than before. Gunnar pushes himself from the floor and brushes off his uniform. He snatches the cattle prod from me. “Good girl,” he says.

  He winds up and swings the cattle prod like a baseball bat into my mouth.

  Day 6

  I have all my teeth which I guess is a positive for someone in my situation. It just hurts like hell to chew the stale bread they gave me today. I’ve been soaking it in the water just so I can get it past my swollen lips.

  I start my workout routine that I’ve developed to keep my sanity in this godforsaken cell. I’m weaker than before I was taken in here. Some of it is from the beatings and torture Gunnar put me through. The rest of it is because of malnutrition kicking in.

  I don’t do much because I know the food isn’t going to be coming in platefuls anytime soon. Just simple body weight exercises; squats, pushups and planks until I’m

  tired. Eating three square meals a day for four years really does make a difference in how you function.

  The door opens while I’m halfway into my pushups. I turn my head sideways and see a shadow of a single soldier.

  “What’s it gonna be today?” I mutter and continue my pushups. My chest burns—not sure if it’s from the workout or from the hate flooding my veins.

  The soldier from the doorway doesn’t respond. A piece of bread rolls to a stop in front of my face. The wooden door slams shut before I can say thank you. Maybe I spoke too soon about the food.

  Who was that?

  I put the bread into my water bucket and go straight back to pushups.

  Day 7

  I have nightmares about my own screaming. I think I’m starting to lose it.

  Day 8

  “Ms. Henderson,” Gunnar says pacing in front of me. “Are you going to tell me the truth, or are we just going to run circles around it?”

  I’m duct taped to the chair this time. My skin is raw on my ribs from the cattle prod. I can’t control the twitch in my legs. But I don’t show it enough for Gunnar. I can tell in the stiffness of his jaw and the prolonged torture sessions. The amount of abuse my body can take amazes me.

  I stumble over my words, but manage to get, “Fuck off,” out clear.

  Gunnar lets out a sigh and nods his head to the other soldiers behind me. They pull the duct tape from my arms along with some skin and drag me out into the hallway.

  The lights burn my eyes. I see the outlines of the walls but can’t focus on much else. They take me into another room and tie my hands above my head. They cut my shirt off and leave me hanging from the ceiling by my arms.

  “Do you see this Ms. Henderson?” Gunnar says holding something in front of my face. I squint trying to focus, but my vision doesn’t cooperate. “This is a fire hose. The water that comes out of this end right here ranges about 75 feet per second.”

  He backs up until he’s behind me. “Let’s see
how it feels to be 10 feet away from that.”

  Day 9

  I only do squats today. My skin around my ribs and back looks like a piece of raw meat. The cattle prod wounds are hot to the touch. They’re only going to get worse if I can’t clean them out.

  I pour water over them. It burns like hell, but it’s all I can do to prevent infection. The door swings open and a shadow blocks the doorway. They come closer to me and I flinch. The soldier holds out their hand. A tube and another piece of bread sits in her outstretched palm.

  “Take them,” a female voice says. I look up at her, but can’t get a glimpse of her face. I grab them before she changes her mind.

  “Thank you,” I say, my voice coming out in pieces.

  The soldier turns and walks out the door without a word.

  Day 10

  Soldiers throw me into my cell after another fire hose session. Gunnar’s taken a liking to this type of interrogating because it’s the only one that gets me to scream.

  I crawl over to the metal bucket and grab the tube of ointment the shadow soldier brought to me. That’s what I’ve decided to call her since she won’t speak more to me.

  At first, I thought it was Isha who kept leaving these things for me, but the girl’s voice threw me off. It wasn’t Marieska’s, but I’ve definitely heard it before.