In the morning I woke up and noticed Bethany was sitting in the chair and looking out the window – apparently deep in thought. I asked, “Hello. Is anything wrong?” She looked at me and I could see a tear in her eye. She started crying as she spoke, “I disappointed you last night, didn’t I?” I had thought the topic was dealt with but I attempted to re-assure her anyway that I really did appreciate her and that there was no reason for her to change. Then she said something that pierced me. She asked, “Do you ever fear you have become the father you have always hated?” I scrambled to make sense of what she was asking. I replied, “What do you mean?” She said, “He left you when you were little and here I am pulling you away. Don’t you worry that your kids are going to grow up hating you as you hated him?” What could I say to that? I was stunned. I felt like breaking something but instead used words as a weapon, “How dare you ask me that? I never asked to leave them – it was you and Vincent who decided to take me away from them!”
Bethany looked hurt. Yet rather than crying she just looked out the window, expressionless and did not say a word. At that I ran over to her and tried to take her hand, but she yanked it away. There was no way to take back what I said but I tried to make up for it by assuring her, “Look, if I had wanted to go back wouldn’t I have done so when we left Hermiston? And would I be so anxious to buy a home with you today and spend the rest of my life with you if I at any time wanted to go back?” She apologized for what she had said and took my hand. She said she wanted to live the rest of her life with me as well but she made one condition, “Please Jennifer, please promise me that you will make sure you have contact with your kids and that they will spend time with us often.” I said that I would do my best, yet I had no idea how that would work. She then asked me to come closer – and when I did she embraced me and gave me a passionate kiss that rivalled any that I have been given by any of the men I had recently encountered. I should have been happy, but I wondered if the reason she was kissing me in this manner was due to my commitment to her, or her fear of losing me.
And a part of me was still somewhat angry at her comparing me to my father. Yet perhaps the reason I was angry was the realization she might be right. Perhaps now that we were close to making a new life here it made a strong impression on me – especially as I felt maybe it was actually best for everyone that I never involved myself in their lives again. Maybe I was indeed like my father – cold and ultimately heartless. Or perhaps this was my attempt to rationalize total closure so I would not have to face the troublesome task of re-uniting with those who I tried to convince myself I was over. I would just try to avoid the situation to make Bethany happy in the belief that we could someday all be one big happy family.
Bethany asked, “Can you go get your shower? Then after breakfast we’ll call the agent.” While I was in the shower I reflected on the events of the past evening and, rather than feeling any guilt, I constructed scenarios in which someday I could be successful in breaking down Bethany’s barriers. I reasoned that it would probably not be that difficult and that maybe by Christmas we would be more like a true couple. As I continued to reflect on that possibility I kind of laughed at the idea that this was indeed my future – yet there was a contentment and security in the idea.
When I got out I was surprised that Bethany was still sitting in the chair staring out the window. I asked, “What’s wrong?” She seemed frightened and said, “I think I am having some sort of panic attack.” I was well aware how those felt and I knelt next to her and took her hand. She said, “I didn’t sleep all that well last night. I think I am too excited the house and all.” I then become aware of her messaging her left shoulder and breathing deeply. At that moment I wondered if this was merely a panic attack or could it be something worse. I asked if we should go to the emergency room but she insisted everything would be okay. At that, she stood up and walked to the bathroom, but before getting there she leaned against the wall and let out a faint scream of pain.
I ran over to her and insisted, “Get dressed! We are going to the hospital immediately!” While she tried to assure me that nothing was wrong she said she would go into the ER just to prove she was okay. She commented, “This is going to be an expensive lesson to show how you are too protective Jennifer but let’s go.”
When we found the hospital we were fortunate that there were no people waiting in front of us. An older doctor came in and immediately had the nurse prepare an EKG. He asked Bethany about her symptoms and medical history and what medications she was on. After getting everything set he asked if I could leave the room for a few minutes while he checked my “mother’s” condition.
I waited for what seemed like an eternity. I remembered the last time I was in the hospital for the birth of my daughter. I should have positive feelings towards these establishments but I was fully aware that while some people were here to participate in the joy of birth and welcoming a new soul to earth, others were here to either die, or to say goodbye to those who were dying. And that became really apparent as I saw a gurney being moved from one room to another, with an extremely old woman hooked up to a variety of tubes. She appeared to be a shell of a human being – a skeleton with a sheet of skin draped on her. I became completely aware of my own mortality at that moment – realizing that someday that could be me. And while I had encountered death many times, the prospect of my own death frightened me. At that moment I did not analyse thoughts about whether the old woman’s memories and personality would soon merely disappear from existence, or if they would transcend to another dimension. I realized everything that was me would face that final moment someday as well. And the thought of that grew from frightening to incomprehensibly terrifying!
A moment later I heard someone’s voice, “Miss? Are you the daughter of Bethany Purvis?” I snapped out of my own miniature panic attack and said, “Yes!” The nurse stated, “The doctor would like to speak with you privately. Please wait here.” Suddenly my worry intensified! I longed for the comfort of a cigarette but, of course, that was prohibited. In a few minutes the doctor came out and sat down.
“Your mother suffered a mild heart attack this morning, but she is stable now.” I looked at him in astonishment and asked, “So will she be okay? I mean, I know she is on medication and such…I mean, shouldn’t she have a full recovery?” The doctor looked at me blankly and commented, “She said she had been off her medications for about two months. That was quite dangerous. My suspicions are that with the congenital defect she has she may have to undergo a transplant in the near future.” I was in shock, but what could I do? I asked if I could talk with her and he said that after she was done with another doctor who was more an expert on heart conditions I could see her. He then asked, “Miss…I could not help by notice both you and your mother have a strong aroma of cigarette smoke. She absolutely should not be smoking, but unless you want to be in here in the same condition I would suggest you give up your habit.” I sat, staring at the floor, and refused to acknowledge his suggestion. He sighed in a frustrated manner, “Okay. The nurse will call you and then you can see your mom.”
After a while the nurse showed me to a room where they had transferred Bethany. She seemed cheerful, despite the circumstances, and asked me not to worry – she asked, “Isn’t it like doctors to exaggerate problems?” Yet when a younger doctor came in he seemed quite rational and far from sensationalistic as he explained, “Miss. Purvis with your condition you might outlive me with no problems or you could have a major heart attack this day. No matter what you have to make sure you stay on your medications!” And he too explained that if her condition worsened that a transplant would be necessary. Bethany asked, “If I don’t get a transplant you say I could live twenty or thirty more years?” He replied, “It’s possible but I would like to begin running some tests on that…” She interrupted him, “Thank you. I will take my pills, don’t worry. I will be checking out tomorrow.” He seemed like he was about to say something but Bethany demanded, “Can you leave
me alone now?” He nodded and left the room.
Bethany seemed lost in thought as she stared at the IV hooked to her arm. She turned her head towards me, “They said I should stay overnight, so I will call the realtor and make sure we reserve the right to buy the property.” She then said something unexpected, “Jennifer, can you buy some groceries so we can drive up to Glacier Park before the snow sets in?”
It seemed like an odd request, but I agreed. She said I could pick her up at 10am the next day. I asked, “Don’t you want me to stay with you tonight?” She smiled and shook her head, “We both need our rest. Now go get those groceries, have a good night of sleep and be here at 10am sharp!” As I was leaving she said, “Jennifer, I love you.” I turned and saw a sad look on her face, disguised as happy, but conveying worry.
I did not know for sure but it seemed Bethany was hiding something under her fearful but optimistic demeanour. I sort of dismissed the thought however, attributing it to maybe being the trauma she had experienced. I hoped our plans would not be disrupted and that soon she would fully recover – and that with her medications she would be there for me for a very long time.
While shopping I found some jeans. They were far from stylish, but necessary as I sensed a chill in the air. That evening was the first I had been alone for months. I almost had a panic attack as I sat up until late at night watching old movies. I missed Bethany so much…
The next morning I put on the new jeans. My legs felt somewhat confined since I had become used to the short skirts Bethany had bought me. I packed and checked out of the hotel and headed to the hospital. Once there I found Bethany sitting in the lobby and reading one of those Bibles you often find in waiting rooms and hotels. She looked up at me and stuffed the Bible in her purse. When I sat next to her she said, “I called the realtor and he said he will reserve the property until we get back and then we can close the deal and move in.” I asked, “Shouldn’t we skip Glacier Park then and head to Boise to get the money?” She smiled, “No, my dear. He said there was no rush on the down-payment since we have enough to buy it outright. He said that saves him a lot of hassles with the bank.”
Once we walked out of the hospital we were hit by a blast of warm air. Bethany commented, “It’s going to be warm today. I like your new jeans but don’t you think it might be better to wear one of your skirts?” I was about to decline her suggestion but when I saw her pouting at me I sighed and replied, “Sure, why not?” Once we reached the car I quickly shed the jeans and put on a denim skirt I had not worn yet. And as hard as it might be to believe it was so revealing it made the other skirts feel modest in comparison. Yet I was overjoyed to be back with Bethany and was willing to do anything she asked. She lit a couple of cigarettes and handed me one. I asked, “Don’t you think maybe you should avoid those for a while?” She laughed as she handed me my cigarette, “Doctors…they stress people out too much, and what does stress lead to? Stress leads to heart problems.”
We were soon out in the countryside. I commented, “Bethany, I am really going to love it here.” She looked out the window for a moment in silence before asking, “Do you still love your husband?” Her question pierced me, and I attempted to deflect it with, “How can one really define love? Do you have any thoughts on it Bethany?” However, she did not let me off. She asked, “Are you avoiding my question? It’s simple enough, isn’t it? Do you, or don’t you, feel any love for him anymore?” I tensed up and said, “No…no, that’s all in the past…I…I am over that now!” She continued, “Vincent told me you were being smothered in your life before meeting us. He said you were caged in, unable to be the real you…but were you happy?” I said, “I, uh…I don’t really know – I don’t think so. But that’s all over – it’s just you and me now!” Bethany was quiet for a moment, looking out the window again, before turning to face me, “You still love him, I can tell.” I was about to say something, anything to try to change the subject but she continued, “Jennifer, if anything were to ever happen to me, promise that you will go back and talk with him. Maybe something could be salvaged, and I would hate for you to be alone in this world.”
When I had regained my focus I was about to say something to try to put things into some sort of perspective, but then I realized that she had just experienced a heart attack and maybe that fear of dying was causing her to speak in such a way. So instead of arguing I commented, “So maybe next summer we can go camping for a while in the park, does that sound good?” She sighed and said, “That would be marvellous.”
As we got closer to the national park the scenery became incredibly beautiful. The road ran along a crystal clear river and the mountains that lay ahead were everything that Bethany had promised. Bethany pointed to a group of little cottages, “Why don’t we stay there for the evening. We can take a little stroll in the nature and later head into the little down up ahead for dinner.” It was all very wonderful that day. Bethany and I checked into a cute little log cabin before we drove to a spot by the river. She sat down by the water and asked, “Can I be alone for a few minutes to pray? You can go for a little hike.” It was a wonderful suggestion I thought to myself. In fact just to feel really into the experience of nature I removed the walking shoes and commented, “I think I’ll just go barefoot for the rest of my life.” She smiled, and nodded her head approvingly. I hiked for about a mile along the river. It was so gorgeous with the mountains in the background and the crystal clear water rushing by. I felt a strange sense of independence as I knew this life would satisfy me. I returned to Bethany and she said something odd as I sat beside her, “Jennifer, do you think we’ll recognize our friends and family in Heaven?” I didn’t say a word. Instead I gave her a soft kiss on the lips and smiled as I looked into her eyes.
Later we found a nice little Mexican place to eat dinner. I was looking forward to the next day going into the park and was planning on talking about what adventures we should go on. Yet out of the blue, before our dinner came, Bethany asked, “You once talked about the teacher you had in high school, your brother-in-law in a way, who took his life – you really loved him, didn’t you?” I marvelled at just how uncomfortable she was making me feel with her questions, but I merely shrugged my shoulders and did not answer. “I have to ask you this Jennifer. Would you have felt less abandoned if he had expressed his love in words and physically to you before he died?” I had thought about that many times in the past. I figured I might as well be honest with her and so I said, “Yes, I think at least closure would have been easier since I would have been able to have some confirmation and connection, if you can understand.” She asked, “So intimacy is important to you, isn’t it?” I was unable to figure out what she meant so I merely replied, “It can be nice, I suppose.”
Bethany dropped the subject, but she seemed somewhat nervous for the rest of dinner. I asked if she was okay, and she nodded her head that she was. She apologized and said, “Maybe we need our rest and should go back to the cottage.”
When we arrived she jumped into the shower and I sat down and watched TV in the meantime. Soon she got out and said the bathroom was all mine so I too was able to relax in the hot water. When I got out Bethany was already in bed and suggested I get in. When I did I noticed she had nothing on, which was unusual for her since the ritual materials were in the car. Then, she looked at me, giggled nervously, and said, “I am not sure how to go about this so please keep that in mind.” She then took my hand and placed it on her breast.
What followed can only be described as sweet and tender. Yet while I was happy that she had decided to take things a step further I could not help but sense she was not really into it. During our love making it seemed as though she was offering her body up to me, but her soul was someplace else. She seemed to enjoy herself, as I certainly did, but something was wrong. I wondered if it was her uneasiness over her belief that I was spiritually the reincarnation of her deceased daughter, the issues of her health or maybe nervousness over embarking on a lifestyle she had never envi
sioned for herself. The worse possibility of course would be if she was only doing this for my benefit, and not hers in any way.
Afterwards, I rested my head on her chest and asked, “So, how was it for you?” She stroked my hair and admitted, “It was really nice. You love me don’t you?” I quickly replied, “With all my heart!” She sat up and cradled me in her arms and said, “I am willing to do all it takes for you to know that I love you no matter what. You know that, right?” I assured her that I knew and that I would do anything for her. We held each other and soon fell asleep wrapped in each other’s embrace.
The next day I woke up and noticed Bethany was sitting by the window and reading the Bible she had taken from the hospital. She raised her eyes and smiled, “Good morning! Did you sleep well?” I said, “Very much so.” She came over and sheepishly sat down, looked at me inquisitively and asked, “Did you enjoy yourself last night? I hope I…well, could show you how much I care for you.” I reached over, gave her a hug and kissed her shoulder, “It was great! Was it for you as well?” She laughed, put her hand on my leg and commented, “Yeah, it was – but you have to forgive me…I don’t like to talk about such things the next day. I pray you understand.” I hoped she was sincere and not ashamed or anything. I mean, both Matt and Nicole had been more than happy to discuss the events of a previous night with me -- often leading to a repeat performance. Yet I supposed that some people were different, or prudish.
Bethany asked if we could get dressed and head out immediately. I rushed to fulfil her wishes and soon we were off. Upon grabbing burgers at a drive through we were on our way to the park! Sadly, it was an overcast day, and the peaks of the larger mountains in the distance were obscured from view. Yet we were soon at the entrance and driving through a gorgeous example of creation. We spent the first day sightseeing all the way to the Canadian border. The clouds gave way a little and we were able to see all sorts of animals, waterfalls – it was fantastic! It was sad that Bethany was still trying to not exert herself too much or otherwise I would have loved to have camped out.
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