We would return the next day and explore more of the sights but in the early afternoon we headed back to town. On the way Bethany asked, “Do you think Heaven looks like this?” I answered, “I hope so; or who knows, it is probably better than even this is!” She put her hand on mine and said, “I hope it is too. I also hope someday we will be together there. I just hope God forgives me for my past.” I replied, “I’m sure of it, why are you asking? You aren’t going anywhere for a long time.” She got a worried look on her face and said, “One never knows, do they?” I immediately tried to re-assure her, “Tell you what, stop smoking those cigarettes and drinking and maybe you’ll live to be one hundred!” She smiled, “What about you?” I joked, “Well, I don’t know…maybe someday. I have plenty of time to give up my habits.”
Bethany resurrected the issue with Matt, “You never really answered me if you still love him.” I wanted this issue to go away! I pulled over and, maybe remembering how easy it was to divert Nicole’s attention through intimacy, I attempted to kiss Bethany. However, to my surprise, she pushed me away and pleaded, “Please, I am not in any mood for this sort of thing right now.” I sat there in a slight state of bewilderment as she immediately got her composure, “Please, I am not mad or anything. I just…I am not in the mood right now.” I said I understood, wondering what effect this would have on her. She apologized, “I don’t want to hurt you. I just…well, I want a straight answer! Do you still love your husband?” I said, in a determined manner, “Absolutely not!” yet she looked at me, without saying a word, and seemed to be waiting for something else. I realized at that moment she knew my inner core better than I did. I sat back, stared towards the mountains, and said, “Okay, yes, I still love him…but what was can never be again.” She asked, “Why?” which totally confused me. I asked, “Don’t you want me? It sounds like you are trying to get me back with him.” She took a deep breath and said, “Jennifer, I just want you to know your options if something ever happens to me.” She squeezed my hand and said, “Now let’s go get something to eat!” She also apologized for being so melodramatic about bad things happening and said she would not mention it any more. I thanked her as we got back on the road and headed to town.
After we finished dinner and arrived in our cottage Bethany did not say a word as we walked in. She went into the shower and, after a few minutes came out and commented, “Hurry up then! I’ll be waiting for you!” I was pretty sure I knew what she meant so I was quick and, sure enough I was right. This time she seemed more at ease as she took the initiative and showed me a night of passionate escape! After we both were finally exhausted we cuddled with each other. I looked in her eyes and felt like our souls had joined then and forever. I again wondered if she was doing this all for me but this time I felt that if this were true I would love her even more for her sacrifice
The next morning she put her arm around me and held me tight, asking, “You really do know I love you, don’t you?” I said I did. She asked, “Would you be willing to do something really wild?” I sat up and looked at her with the enthusiasm of a child. She smiled and suggested, “Let’s leave Glacier Park for now and go to north central Montana.” I asked what was there and she laughed, “Nothing, nothing at all – that’s my point!” It sounded crazy but maybe that is why it appealed to me. It was all part of our adventure and I was more than ready to go!
Chapter 17
Even though we were getting ready to leave in a short time Bethany insisted on lighting a fire in the fireplace. Then she asked me to look at a map of Montana. She pointed at an area where there appeared to be few outposts of civilization and said that was our goal. I wondered what her motivation was but it did not matter that much right then. I was only worried about how long the realtor would hold the property we wanted.
Bethany excused herself and went out to the car while I got dressed in the skirt and little top I wore when we left Oregon. When she returned she was wearing her emerald necklace and was carrying the ritual kit. I sat on the bed and extended my left arm, anxiously awaiting what I anticipated was coming. Yet she shook her head and tossed the tubes and syringe on the floor; something she was careful never to do for risk of contamination. I asked, “Aren’t we going to…” She cut me off, “Jennifer…I think through our partaking of each other’s life essence and having connected in body, mind and spirit that we have graduated to a higher level and…and we are now one. I see no further need to drink a blood sacrament anymore as nothing can really separate us now or for eternity. We are one!” Before I could protest she bent over and picked up the materials off the floor and tossed them into the fire! She turned and said, “It’s okay Jennifer. We should leave now. Oh, it’s rather cold this morning so maybe you should change into your jeans.”
Her spiritual metaphors made sense, in an esoteric way that, strangely enough, I understood completely. We embraced each other until she repeated, “You need to change so we can leave.” At first she released me but then pulled me close and we joined together in an affectionate kiss. In that moment I felt I would never abandon her and that today was finally the beginning of the end of everything I had been for the past 26 years. I felt satisfied, and I felt happy. She released me and whispered, “Let’s go.”
We packed up everything and left our cottage forever. It was a clear day and I noticed the mountains in the distance had received new snow. Yes, winter was coming. As we got into the car I inquired, “Are you sure the realtor is okay with waiting?” She nodded and took my hand, “Stop worrying, okay?”
The conversations that day seemed to center on spirituality. It seemed easy for her to mix the Bible with American Indian ideas of life and, most importantly, the afterlife. She did not mention death while we drove, just ideas of nature and spirits. It was really interesting, but reminded me of conversations in hot springs with New Age people.
When we pulled over in a little town on Route 2 for lunch we noticed a stand selling Indian jewellery. We went over to look and Bethany asked, “Is there anything you like?” I pointed to a necklace made out of hematite. She put in around my neck and commented, “This symbolizes my presence in your life forever.” I asked what she liked but she said, “It doesn’t matter.” She handed the woman at the stand money for my necklace and we left for lunch.
While we were eating Bethany pointed out the window to the woman at the stand, “I wonder if her ancestors were some of the ones who, when they were near death, built alters in the desert and waited patiently to leave this life.” I said I was not sure – it would depend on her tribe. She sighed, “No matter – it seems like a better way to die than hooked up to a bunch of machines in a hospital.” I protested, “I thought you were going to stop bringing up such things.” She apologized and we finished eating. Then she suggested we buy extra food in case we wound up in a town without any restaurant.
Early in the afternoon we came to a little town named Havre. She said, “We should find a place to stay here tonight.” She then pointed to a tiny hotel, “That will do.” I assumed she was tired since there was plenty of time left in the day. I asked, “Do you want to go for a walk around town or something?” She shook her head, “You can. I’d just prefer to rest but I promise we will do some hiking tomorrow.”
I could not really put my finger on it but something seemed odd about Bethany’s mood. I assumed she had been though an awful lot in just a couple of weeks – the death of Vincent, the destruction of her home, and even her plunge into an alternative lifestyle. I assumed that must explain it, but then, as I was looking at the form she filled out for the room I noticed something odd; she had listed an incorrect license number and model for my car. That was strange, I thought.
When we ate our cold sandwiches that evening Bethany suggested, “We should get an early start tomorrow. I’d like to find someplace nobody had ever been before.” I did not mind the idea as I hoped we could finally explore nature together again. I never brought up the license number thing for some reason, but it did not seem al
l that important at the time.
That evening, while lying next to Bethany I put my arm around her and kissed her on the back of her neck. She turned around and asked, “Can we just hold each other tonight? I just have a lot on my mind.” I was okay with that. It was a bit cold in the room and the warmth of her body was nice to feel, even if she was neither into talking or desiring anything else. I awoke a little later and found she was looking at me. I asked, “Is anything wrong?” and she said something strange, “I’ll bet your husband misses seeing you like this in the middle of the night.” I was not sure what to say so I just looked at her. She continued to brush my hair back and smile, “I will always love you Jennifer.”
I woke up early and wondered if Bethany had slept at all since she was already showered and dressed. She sat down on the bed, “We need to leave soon if we are to find just the right place.” So we were in the car and off before sunrise. The desert seems to look nicer this time of day I thought. The shadows and dim light give it a mystery different that the mountains. I contemplated that out here one actually had more privacy than practically anyplace else I could think of. I felt so free and alive that morning that I thought about asking if she might be daring enough to find the most private part of the road, with no signs of life, and spend the day hiking naked. I hoped it would be warm enough to later make such a proposal to Bethany.
Bethany looked at a large map of Montana while we drove. She then asked me to pull off to the next left. I complied, and we drove down an old, dusty, unmaintained road for miles before arriving at the end of the road as the bridge appeared to have been washed out by a recent flash flood. Bethany asked if we could park there and explore the region. I, of course, was more than enthusiastic. Yet I was disappointed that it still seemed too chilly to offer my suggestion to her.
We had no compass but Bethany said that all one had to do was keep all the landmarks and location of the sun in mind to avoid getting lost. We walked and walked, marvelling at the scenery. Suddenly, Bethany stooped over and picked up an arrowhead. In a melancholy voice she asked, “Which tribe do you think the man who made this belonged to? One wonders how long ago the original owner lived and died.” She stroked it and said, “Maybe it is some sort of sign.” I asked, “A sign for what?” She just put it in her pocket and said, “We should keep exploring.”
There appeared no signs of human life ever existing there aside from the arrow. I was now warm so I took my shirt off and tied it around my waist. Bethany looked at me and said, “Jennifer, you are so beautiful. How can someone look upon such a creation and doubt the existence of God?” I thanked her and she asked me to turn around, “I should have gone ahead and had a tattoo done with you. The one you have turned out so nice and it fits you so well.” The more she talked the more I never wanted her to go away. She and I continued to explore until we came to an area nestled in some large brush, but strangely enough covered with light sand like an ocean beach. She commented, “This is perfect!” She then started to undress.
I thought she had something romantic in mind, and looking around it seemed the ideal spot. I started to remove my pants but she asked, “No, keep them on, okay? Let me try to clear my mind right now – is that alright?” It seemed weird but I complied and sat down. She sat in the same lotus position she had that day of the ritual where she had set afire the names of my loved ones. The necklace shined in the sun and provided a mystic contrast to her pale freckled breasts that, in this position, descended to her waist. As a slight breeze blew through her reddish-grey hair I felt a mystic presence at that moment. It felt so awesome that I merely sat there and took in what some might have called “vibes” which I could feel as much as I could sense the rays of the sun on my skin.
She finished her meditation or whatever one could call it and stood up. She retrieved her clothes and rolled them into a neat bundle, emptied her small backpack, and put the clothing in. She sat quiet for a few minutes with her eyes closed while I stretched out to catch some of the last rays of summer. I felt like I could easily fall asleep there, in the silent, isolated little area we had come to. Then Bethany broke the silence, “Jennifer, I want you to know how much I love you. I would do anything for you, and that is why I brought you here.” I sat up anticipating something truly special. I looked at her as her face turned solemn and serious. “Jennifer, I have not been totally honest with you. When they looked at my heart they said that maybe I would be okay, maybe live a long time, but that I would need to take more specialized drugs and never exert myself ever again.” I was about to say something but she put her finger on her mouth to indicate she wanted me to remain still. “They also found something else…they found large black areas on both my right and left lung. They wanted to do a biopsy but I did not need that; my grandfather died of lung cancer and I know that an x-ray of a cancerous lung looks like.”
I started to cry, I did not want to lose her, yet when I tried to respond she again motioned me to wait. “It seems I really have no chance at a normal life. Even if it is not cancer my heart condition keeps me a slave to all those pills. If it is cancer…no, no, no! I watched as he wasted away in his death bed and I refuse to experience such a thing.” I held back tears long enough to ask, “Can’t we go to another doctor? Can’t we see what we can do to get your health back? Maybe you and the doctors in that little town are wrong!” She looked at me and asked, “If you had a pet you cherished, and it was sick like I am, would you force it to live?” I asked, “What do you mean by that?” She then calmly stated, “Jennifer, I thank the Great Spirit, God, whatever you want to call him for letting me find you. I must…” I interrupted, “You must what?” She looked around and said, “I want this to be the place I make my transition to the next dimension.”
I did not know what to think about what she was proposing. My rational mind understood why she was saying this, but my emotional mind refused to accept it. I begged her, “You can’t leave me” but she calmly replied, “It’s for the best my dearest loved one.” She then asked, “Will you be with me as I make the leap?” I asked, “What are you saying?” She replied, “Just hold me as I leave this shell, okay?” I did not say a word, but I did not attempt to stop her as she reached over for a bottle of tranquilizers and emptied it into her hand.
I sat there frozen in shock I suppose not believing what was unfolding before my eyes. She looked at me and said, “I am so sorry Jennifer, but this is how I want it. There is no choice – do you hear me! I do not want you to see me wither away into a human skeleton!” I suddenly remembered the old woman in the hospital. I think at that point I knew that I accepted her decision, but it was not what I wanted.
“I also have to let you know that if someone stumbles on my remains before the elements, the birds and animals return me to dust, that Vincent and I had all dental work done by an old man who was a retired dentist. He worked with off-the-grid people and never kept records – it was out of principle. So there is nothing that ties you to me. When you return to the car just drive and drive until you are far away. And use the money in Boise to give your kids a great education or some other wonderful thing, okay?”
I was silent. This was different than when Mark killed himself. I could understand her motivation. Yet she was still leaving me! I cried as I watched her open her mouth, and with only a momentary hesitation proceeded to hurl the pills into her mouth and gulp down all the water in her bottle. She then looked at me and took several deep breaths, “I guess that’s it. Will you hold me?” I sat there as she walked over and let me cradle her in my arms. I caressed her hair and she relaxed and held my hand against her chest. She said, “Never forget that I love you and will keep a watchful eye on you and protect you from harm. And someday in Heaven you, your husband, your children and I can all be together, okay?” I did not know what to say. She looked at me, “Don’t live your life alone, okay?” She then laughed in an exhausted sort of way; her eyes seemed to be getting really heavy for her and she started staring behind me. In a weak but clear
voice she said, “Jennif…I…you aren’t…you were just friends…no Melanie’s sister?” She looked at me and then smiled and slowly closed her eyes.
She seemed to have fallen into a deep sleep but then her eyes opened momentarily and she said, “Tha…thank you…Melanie.” They closed again and never re-opened. I held her close to me as the life slowly drifted out of her. I did not cry, instead I just stared out into nowhere, stunned and alone. I had no idea how long I held her lifeless body next to me. And I was in a state of semi-conscious mental shock. Yet I eventually regained some sort of composure and noticed that the sun had crossed the sky and that it must be mid-afternoon. I was not prepared to spend the night in the desert so I gently put the body of the woman who had meant so much to me onto the soft sand. She seemed to be in a state of peace…her face appearing content. There was no reason to hang around anymore though.
I thought about burying her body but there was little need for such effort. The wild animals would detect the scent of death and dig her up anyway. Besides, it was her wish to leave her body in this manner. I did move her closer to the brush, just in case someone might fly over and spot her before the wildlife in the area had finished devouring her. I then picked up her pack, and not even thinking stuffed my shirt inside. I looked at her lying there one last time and thought about taking the emerald necklace as a token of remembrance of her but decided against it. All she had as a memorial was that necklace and I would leave it. I stood there in a state of disbelief before saying, “Goodbye Bethany…Goodbye my special mother” and left, walking in what could only be described as a trancelike state towards my car.
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