I did not have to drive too long before finding a mall in the suburbs. I went in and started to look around. In an instant a sales lady came over and asked if she could help me. I really hated it when sales people did that sort of thing but I politely said I was fine. Yet she hung around, watching me as I browsed through the more pricy professional outfits. When I had found what would look good for the meeting, I went over to the area with jeans; and finding exactly what I wanted on sale, along with a nice, stylish blouse! Yet as I was heading for the dressing rooms the woman followed me and pretended to be re-arranging the chairs just outside the doors. I was really getting irritated but then I realized I had not brought enough money in my purse for the purchase. I hoped my credit cards had not been cancelled by Matt.
When I went to the cashier’s desk the woman came up and, in a fake friendly manner, asked, as she took the clothes to ring them up, “Did you find everything you were looking for?” I nodded my head and took out my wallet. When I handed her my card and license the woman excused herself and said some sort of nonsense into the intercom which I took as a code; probably because she was suspicious of my appearance. Soon an older woman, apparently the supervisor, approached us. The sales clerk whispered something to her. The supervisor then asked, “Do you have any extra identification besides this license?” I felt like grabbing my card and taking off but no, I stood my ground and asked, “You like publicity?” The older woman looked at me and asked, “Excuse me?” I looked directly at her, “You know, like getting mentioned while I am doing a seminar, or while on a talk show or something…I just want to know so that I can make sure I am wrong in that you are treating me special for some reason.” The woman seemed agitated in a way as she stared at me with her eyebrows in a fighting appearance. I then commented, “You have my identification and card so I would appreciate you ringing me up as I have things to do! And besides, yesterday I agreed to speak at a training seminar on criminal psychology for your local police department. I may even call a few of the local talk shows for guest appearances to promote my book. So like I said, is everything okay with my purchase?”
The woman did not say a word but pointed at the cash register to which the saleswoman immediately began to ring up my charges. Afterwards, I headed back to the hotel and paid the clerk enough to stay one more night. I made sure my new clothes were tightly wrapped in their plastic bags so as not to get any smoke scent on them and I headed back out to find a place to have internet access. There I killed the next few hours in front of a screen checking on news from Montana to make sure nobody had run across Bethany’s body. Then I checked Hermiston news stories on Vincent. What I found indicated that apparently the case was closed and the official version was that some white supremacist and his wife had died while messing around with illegal explosives. I was relieved that was over. I then searched the net for fun until deciding it was time to go grab some dinner.
The last night at the hotel filled me with emotions. I wondered if Dr. Hodge would keep his word and not inform Matt and Nicole that I was coming. I was not sure if I wanted to face them on Tuesday, but then again I looked forward with anticipation to seeing them again. I wondered too if my children would recognize me. I missed them on a level that was different than Matt and Nicole, but I was slightly frightened at the prospect of trying to explain to them why I had been gone so long. Still, I did so much want to be with them again.
It was still early and I was bored. While I was feeling a glimmer of hope in my life I still had anxiety. So I figured that I had the right to one last bit of indulgence. After I marked out my route back to Portland, going over into Eugene and then up Interstate 5 rather than going past Hermiston, I poured out some more fruit juice and vodka, lit a cigarette and looked at TV for the rest of the evening. I got really tired, but only a little drunk, and crawled into bed – staring at the neon glimmering through my curtains. In a way I was going to miss my little room, despite all the depression I had experienced there. I still did not know where I would be in the next few days, weeks, months and years but I at least had some ideas of how it could work out. I let these spin around in my mind until I fell asleep, one last time in my little rest stop.
Chapter 19
The next morning I got up and opened the window all the way to get air into the room. It felt cold outside, as I suppose it should have considering this was the first week of October. It seemed like an eternity since I had been abducted from my home, and my life, and now here I was, going back to see what, if anything, was still left of my prior existence.
It only took a while before I showered and took out the bags of clothes I had purchased the day before. I debated on what I should wear, but settled on the nice outfit – just to see what the manager would think. When I was done I packed my things away, including the contacts and clothes Bethany had bought me. I looked one last time in the mirror and then thought, “I wonder what everyone will think of me with black hair?” I decided that from then on I might keep the look permanently as it seemed to fit me well, making me appear more mysterious. I then thought that perhaps it was also time to grow my hair out again, although if I had a future with Nicole we would almost look identical in a way at least.
So I put on my professional-looking jacket and dress, combed my hair and put the hematite necklace around my neck. I wanted to see the impression of the manager so I personally took the key into her office. She looked me over like I was a stranger as I handed it to her and said “I really enjoyed the stay!” I soon was off across the vast expanses of Route 80. I figured I could make it to Bend by dinner time and have plenty of time to get to Portland.
Soon I was driving out of Boise. In a way it seemed that each mile I traveled was getting me closer to my old life. The road signs first listing the miles to Ontario, then crossing the Snake River into Oregon, and then taking the route to Bend…my mind was filled with anticipation as well as anxiety. I started thinking about my family and of Matt and Nicole…happy memories, comfort and security. The only problem was wondering if they had moved on. And I wondered if I could re-build my life if they had.
The anxiety was almost overwhelming as I drove those lonely miles in the Oregon desert. I felt through my purse for my cigarettes, but just before instinctively lighting one up I realized that the smell would be apparent and, as strange as it might sound considering what I had been through, I did not want Dr. Hodge to notice my new lifestyle habits. So I pulled over along the Malheur River, hung up my jacket on a tree, and finished several cigarettes off. When I got back into the car I marveled at the precautions I was taking to keep this habit a secret – it reminded me of my more dark activities in life.
When I stopped in Burns for lunch I realized just how close I was to reaching my goal. Memories were becoming greater yet part of me toyed with the idea of just turning the car around and heading back to Boise, taking out the money and starting fresh, maybe somewhere in California. But I decided that I was going to see this through, and so I headed back on the road. In a short time I could see the peaks of the Cascades far off in the western horizon. A strange sense of comfort came over me. I really wanted to finish this journey. In fact, I toyed with the idea of skipping staying in Bend and just driving straight through to Portland – but my appointment was at 2pm the next day so why bother? I began to consider camping somewhere in the mountains – that would be nice I thought. The problem was no place to shower. The solution I supposed would be to camp at Cougar hot springs! I could get a warm bath there in the morning after all. It was settled then, that would be what I would do, and of course that added some additional positive anticipation to the journey.
When I entered Bend in the early afternoon I wasted no time getting food and a few things for the camping. I took off and was soon in my favorite territory – the Cascades! The thin pine forests soon gave way to the larger pine, then spruce as I approached the summit, and then the familiar Douglas Fir forests on the descent down the mountain pass. I pulled over at a viewpoint and took in
the scene of the majestic mountains. The smell, the beauty, and even the energy permeated my inner being. I thought to myself that I was home.
When I finally arrived at the exit to the springs it was sort of late in the day. I knew that you could not be there after dark so I instead chose to park and camp at the base of the dam. I set up my little campsite, went down to the river and let my senses be lulled into a trance by the sounds of the rushing water. It was strange, when I reached for a cigarette part of me felt repulsed by the thought of putting it in my mouth. I stared at it for a moment and then threw it in the water – watching it rush over the rocks like an out-of-control canoe. I wondered, was this an analogy for my life? Was I truly in control or were events shaping that would carry me to a predetermined destination, like the cigarette floating downstream in the current? If that truly was how life worked, then I only hoped that what was in store for me was something good, something beautiful. Yet my mind went back to the experiences after Bethany’s death. I realized that the only way to be truly in control was to have power. I had been treated like scum by low-lifes at gas stations, hotel clerks and had almost been arrested. When I vowed that I would find a way to make sure I would never be at someone else’s mercy I had a strong feeling of a new purpose in my life. I was unsure where this energy, this drive would manifest itself or where it would propel me but I would strive to forever be the master, and never, ever a slave again!
That evening I ate some fruit and bread and crawled into my sleeping bag. The sound of the river provided enough “white noise” to help me fall into a deep sleep until early in the morning. I awoke, looked outside at the dew-covered grasses and trees and felt truly alive! I got out of the sleeping bag and took in the fresh mountain air. I knelt down by some spider webs glistening in the early sunlight and wished I had a good camera to take pictures. I longed for someone to share this moment with as well.
It did not take long to dismantle my camp. I was anxious to visit my favorite spring and soon I was there. I paid the Forest Service fee, which really irritated me as I felt that it was obscene to charge for a gift of nature like this. I was lucky as this was a Tuesday morning and nobody was at the springs. I quickly undressed and submerged myself in what seemed almost as spiritual act as a baptism. I laid there enthralled in the beauty of the sun beaming through the trees. Again, all I wished for was someone there to share the moment with me. I again wondered if I had anyone anymore but at least I would find out soon.
After a couple of hours I left my little corner of solitude and walked back to the car. It was nearly 10:30am so I knew I had to rush. No matter, I was rejuvenated and ready to finally face the world. I had no anxieties left! I merely needed to find out what my destiny was. I walked back along the trail and marveled at the mosses with dew glistening in the sunlight, the massive trees and the ferns. Maybe this was actually what Heaven looked like. I called out, “I know you are with me Bethany. Don’t go away…someday we will be together again.” When I reached the car I put on one of my loudest symphonic metal CDs and set off to Portland.
By the time I reached Dr. Hodge’s home it was almost 2pm. I parked in front of his house and tried to prepare myself for whatever awaited me. Yet I truly was ready to confront my fears, so I finally took a deep breath and walked up to his house. Before I could ring the bell he opened the door and greeted me, “Well, well, well, Melanie – it’s so nice to see you again! Come in!” I smiled and said, “Hello” and followed him to his living room. He sat down and asked me, “Please come in and make yourself at home. And remember you can trust me, okay? Tell me what has happened to you.”
I trusted Dr. Hodge and he was the only person I could even partially open up to at this point. I told him everything, well, not everything. I left out any killing and re-wrote the script for him so it would fit with the media story but involving me. Of course I portrayed Vincent and Bethany as neo-Nazi survivalists but I was totally truthful about the kidnapping, torture, and brainwashing Vincent had subjected me to. I explained that Bethany had loved me as a daughter and protected me yet I left out some of the details of my relationship with Bethany since I preferred to keep that part of my life secret – except that would prove impossible as we moved into the other aspects of my life. I made up a story that I had been outside when the explosion took place and I had jumped into my car and driven around for days in a state of confusion and bewilderment. So all in all I shared the important details he needed to know if he were to understand my position without knowing the deadlier details.
Dr. Hodge listened intently and then commented, “I have talked with Matt and Nicole on several occasions. They had originally wanted to get details they could use in their search for you, but that quickly turned into a more counseling form of relationship, especially with Nicole.” Dr. Hodge waited a moment as I remained silent. He sighed, “Melanie I know all about you and Nicole. She told me everything about how you two have been friends for years and that your relationship eventually crossed into other areas.” Apparently she had given him all the confidential aspects of our relationship! I was speechless as I realized that she had “outed” me to one of the few people I respected. Yet as he continued he assured me that both Matt and Nicole loved me with every fiber of their being.
I looked at him and sheepishly commented, “So I guess I’m out of the closet.” He nodded his head and replied, “Apparently so.” I knew he was very conservative so I asked, “I guess you think I am a terrible person, involved in a same-sex relationship and keeping it secret from my husband. I guess you think I should call it off, don’t you?” Then he surprised me, no, totally shattered any preconceptions I had of him when he stated, “You know something Melanie, very few people in this life find someone who will truly love them no matter what, and still feel that special devotion for the rest of their lives; and yet you found two!” I looked at him wondering where the “But you have to realize” part was going to come in, yet he continued, “I know this runs counter to what you might expect of me due to my stands on traditional values and such, but I personally think you would be a total idiot if you did not give your relationship, I mean relationships, a chance to return to normal, or should I say to be re-established!” He smiled and seemed to stare directly into my soul, “Matt and Nicole deserve your love and you deserve their love and devotion as well.”
I had to ask, “Do you really think true love is such a rare thing?” He laughed in a sarcastic manner and stood up, looking out the window, “Melanie, I have a lot of experience studying couples, and a lot of personal experience in my own marriage, and yes, it is hard to find that special person and make it work.” I quickly turned the subject to him and said “You have a great relationship, don’t you?” He shook his head, “Melanie, my wife and I have been married for thirty years. In that thirty years she has made it her duty to find every fault I have and magnify it out of proportion. You know those fights people see as redefining points in a marriage?” I nodded as he continued, “We have at least one of those every day. Why do you think I dedicated so much time to work and, now that I am retired, into politics? I am in absolutely no position to question the devotion you have found in your life. In fact I am envious of what you had and think you would be absolutely insane to throw it all away.”
I was surprised at his revelation and his advice. It gave me a relief but I had to ask, “Do you think they have moved on?” He said, “I have not seen them for a while but I seriously doubt it.” I replied, “I have been gone for almost half a year. Vincent sent them both nasty messages on my cell phone and while I was gone I was not entirely pure and innocent. I was depressed and I was so close to throwing everything I was away.” He nodded, “Thus the phone call from the police in Boise about a woman being arrested on solicitation charges claiming to be my assistant?” I sighed, “Yes.” He replied, “Your situation was unique and certainly more complicated than anyone I have ever counseled. However from what I could see in both of them they really love you and true love does not v
anish so easily.” I smiled, thinking about how futile repression of my feelings had been but not admitting to doing my best to extinguish them. He continued, “You owe it to them to face them…you can’t avoid it you know. You and Matt have three little children after all.”
I replied, “I suppose I have to face my future and I promise I will meet with them, I just don’t know when. “ He replied, “Fair enough. I can’t force you to do anything.” I sighed, “I wish you were still the head of the research department. I’m sure Landin has pounced on my absence to blacklist me so I’ll never work with anything involving psychology in the Northwest again.”
Dr. Hodge responded out in an uncharacteristic outburst, “That idiot Landin blacklist you? Now that would be truly ironic! You need to see this.” As he opened up his laptop on the coffee table he continued, “That moron obtained his position only because his father and the dean are golfing buddies as well as the fact his family has donated a small fortune to the university. That wasn’t enough to cover his you-know-what though.”
Dr. Hodge proceeded to open up a mail and click on the link. “Check this out Melanie!” A clip began to play…a pornographic clip! There appeared two nude dark-haired women and a man. As I focused on the image on the screen it was apparent that the man was none other than Landin! He and one of the women were engaged in a sex act while the other watched. Suddenly, as Landin and the girl on the bed were about to go all the way the other woman could be heard clearly warning, “Sugar, I have to warn you that she and I are still in high school and she’s underage!” Landin blurted out, “It’s our secret!” and the video continued for another three minutes until they finished. Dr. Hodge laughed, “Apparently this video wound up on some amateur porn sites and the link was mailed to every faculty member from a public computer. Nobody knows where it came from or who made it – except I wonder…the raven-haired girl with her back to the camera… she seems to remind me of someone I’ve met.” He smirked as he looked at me. I suspected we both knew who it was with her back to the camera. He continued, “Landin was asked to leave the university after this. I am not sure his recommendations mean anything anymore.”
Deliverance from Evil Page 32