Making Midlife Madness: A Paranormal Women's Fiction Novel (Forty Is Fabulous Book 2)

by Heloise Hull

  “Whew!”

  “I know. It’s a lot. But it’s all in you. Somewhere down there.”

  “That’s the thing. I’m not so sure of that. From my visions, I think I really was just a normal old wolf. The god who came into my cave did something that turned me human. I have no idea what it was or how it happened. Or even who the god was. Speculating with Aurick made me think some of the god’s essence got trapped inside my body, giving me a sort of immortality.”

  Like Coronis, I thought, but I didn’t say it out loud. Rosemary didn’t know her real origin story, and I wasn’t going to ruin that for her.

  “Even weirder,” I continued, “I think he did it on purpose. In the cave, he said he always wanted to be able to find me. His lupa. His whore. I just don’t know if he meant to give me god magic capabilities or if that was an unintended side-effect.”

  “Interesting.” Rosemary knocked on the wall connecting her bakery to Marco’s taverna, signaling his pizzas were ready for firing.

  “That’s one way to put it. Now, I’m destined to die and be reborn forever apparently.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. That sounds like the worst kind of immortality.”

  “Tell me about it. Some of my memories have been returning. In a few of my lives, it seems I knew about magic. Others, I was clueless, like this one. In all of them, I remained cursed and died a horrible death. And now that you’ve found definitive proof, it makes sense that my twins are destined to destroy empires and raise bloody ones. It happened all the time in my past lives.”

  “Sounds like we need to break another curse. Any ideas?”

  “None whatsoever. Coronis promised to take me to a library and read up on the gods.”

  “Well, you know we’ll always be here for you, whatever you need.”

  “I know. You’ve proven that beyond any doubt.” I clapped my hands together and watched the flour dust the air. “Okay. Let’s crush this morning rush.”

  By the time Rosemary breezed into the front of the cafe to unlock the door, a line had already begun to snake around the square. I took my position behind the glass case of baked goodies as everyone swarmed inside to eat their sweets with a strong cup of espresso.

  Although, when people started to realize it was me, infamous Ava, user of god magic, the line slowed considerably. Everyone and their cousin suddenly wanted to chat. I had promises of free cheese, music lessons, and winery tours. Even two offers of matrimony. All before nine in the morning!

  I also noticed residents on Aradia were definitely letting their freak flags fly now that the last MILFs, who turned out to be a necromancer in hiding and me, were outed. Furry goat hooves adorned two soft-spoken women who entered with their horned heads bent together in silent conversation. Another had sprouted translucent butterfly wings. But there was one man in particular whom I’d never forget. He also had goat legs, but from his knees up he was human. A very naked, very well endowed human.

  “Rosemary,” I hissed, nudging her.

  She glanced up and rolled her eyes. “Dio mio, Spyro. I already told you. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. I’m going to make your Americano hot today, but I swear if you come in here tomorrow without pants, I’m barring the door. Ava here will seal it shut and magically sew pants on you like a chastity belt. It won’t be pretty.”

  “What?” I whispered. I could not take my eyes off of Spyro. Mostly because he possessed the largest erection I’d ever seen. It was cartoon goofy and currently coming dangerously close to knocking off all of the teacups on the table next to him. Did I mention he had no pants?

  “Shh, go with it.”

  “Right,” I coughed, clearing my throat. “Super powerful. Chastity belt. In technicolor to be seen from afar.”

  “That’s discrimination, that is,” Spyro complained. “My willie likes to be free. He deserves to be free. After all these years, we all deserve to be free.” Spyro looked around. “Am I right or am I right? We’re done being oppressed by MILFs!”

  There were some uncomfortable murmurs and the shuffling of feet and cloven hooves. Suddenly, the door rang again and Mak stepped inside. The moment he saw Spyro he rolled his eyes, too. “You know the rules. No pants, no service. You could poke an eye out with that thing.”

  “That’s not fair,” Spyro burst out, but Rosemary shoved a coffee to go and a sugar dusted sfogliatella in his hand and Mak guided him out the door. The bakery let out a collective sigh of relief.

  “What’s the deal with that guy?” I asked.

  “He’s a satyr,” Mak explained. “They’re always running around like that. Art history got that part right, at least.”

  “What’s the difference between a satyr and a faun?”

  Rosemary sniffed. “Fauns are cute little woodland spirits with horns and goat legs, like the two women earlier. They like nature. Satyrs… well, they like anything that moves.”

  I shivered. “Succinct and to the point. Thanks.”

  “No problem. Fauns can be male or female, unlike satyrs who are only male. Hence their ridiculous appendages, which cause problems everywhere they go. And they’re quite fond of them. Satyrs usually give their penises pet names and sometimes insist on extra place settings for them.”

  “Hmm,” I said. “I knew a guy like that once.”

  “A human?”

  “Yeah, it’s a long story.”

  “Oh, well, it’s going to be a real hassle again. We should try to remake Aradia back into a tourist town like the old days. That way they’ll have to go back to covering up.”

  “Tourists come with their own issues, but perhaps it would be nice,” Mak allowed. He accepted a cappuccino from Rosemary.

  “What would you like for breakfast?” I asked, sweeping my arm across the display.

  “Did you make any of these fine creations yourself?” he asked, a hint of seduction in his voice.

  I lowered my head to hide the tell-tale blush, pretending to look through the goods. “Well, I did make the Chantilly cream and toast the pistachios for the cornettos.”

  “Sold,” he smiled. “Would you like to come by after your shift to my honey shop?”

  That sounded like an indecent proposal, and I almost made a fool of myself. Luckily, I remembered at the last moment. “Oh right, for the twins. Absolutely.”

  Rosemary waved me off. “Go ahead now. I’ve got this. The rush is over, and I know you’ll get distracted thinking about your boys.”

  I untied the apron and slung it in the kitchen, giving Rosemary two kisses on the way out. “Grazie mille! See you later?”

  “Sì, bella.”

  Mak held the door open, and I filled my lungs with the beautifully wild smell of Aradia. The sun had risen since I’d arrived, and in the short time it took to cross the square, it had already warmed my body.

  Mak’s shop smelled as decadent as I remembered, but with a hint of something ancient. The scythe hung over the door, rusted and bloody. It was such a shock compared to the beauty of the amber and golden hues arranged in perfect rows along every wall and in every corner.

  When Mak turned around, I noticed his eyes matched the jars. They seemed to shift and waver in the light, kaledescoping as he walked.

  “Can I ask you a question?” I asked, half-mesmerized.

  “You just did.”

  “Right. Sorry, two.”

  Mak nodded for me to continue, so I pointed to the scythe. “Last time we were too worried about Coronis for introductions, but I was curious why you keep the scythe?”

  “It’s gruesome, isn’t it?” he agreed.

  “Well, yes.”

  Mak beckoned me closer. I leaned over as Mak’s whisper suffused the air as sweet as his honey. “The blood of gods lives on the scythe. They call it ichor. That’s the golden hue. It has many magical properties, including some that I use sparingly for my medicines.”

  “Wow. This is possibly the last thing of the gods in the entire world.”

  Mak gently guided me to the cou
nter where he’d laid out a jar in the shape of a sleeping dragon. “I doubt it. In my opinion, there are many more things of the gods that have been forgotten over the years.”

  “Over the centuries, you mean.”

  Mak lifted his eyes to mine, holding my gaze. “Yes. We are old. But you…?”

  “Are complicated,” I said firmly. And I meant that in every sense of the word.

  “The best ones always are.”

  “Okay, now I know you’re flirting with me.”

  “Perhaps.”

  “And if I don’t reciprocate—”

  Mak swiftly dropped the act. “I would never withhold something that would help others, merely because you turn down my offer of companionship.”

  Relief suffused my veins. “That makes you one of the few. Thank you.”

  Mak’s grin returned. “Does that mean you won’t take a hike or something of that nature with me?”

  “As lovely as it sounds, I truly am complicated right now,” I said, picturing Aurick. “I don’t want to give you false hope, so probably not.”

  Mak mimed a wound to his heart. “I will survive, fair lady, but I have a feeling you will be a highly sought after dinner partner in the future.”

  Disappointment coursed through me. So this was about the She-Wolf. Not me. Never just me. Who I was right now, in this life. Ava Falcetti, budding baker, decent friend, and wildly inappropriate joker. “Because I could fell or rise empires with my uterus?”

  Mak reeled back. “No! Wait, what?”

  “The She-Wolf, my curse, my twins’ destiny. None of that is ringing a bell?” I asked, embarrassment starting to grow, as it often does after you accuse someone of wanting you, not for no-strings attached sex, but specifically for your magical uterus.

  He shook his head. “There were rumors, but nothing concrete. Most of us thought you were a newly discovered demigoddess that had escaped the wars or a witch with weird powers, like Nonna.” He tried to subtly give me another once-over. “You’re the She-Wolf?”

  I nodded.

  “That doesn’t change the formula of the honey magic, but it is interesting. I didn’t know the She-Wolf was a shifter.”

  “I’m not.”

  “Really? More and more curious.”

  “What’s the formula?”

  Mak handed me the sleeping dragon jar. “This will protect the wearer. Smear it on your sons’ lips like you did to Coronis, and it will render them invisible to magical creatures.”

  “What about me? Or anyone else I want to be able to see them?” I asked, thinking of all my friends watching over the boys.

  Mak handed me another jar. “This is the antidote. Wear it yourselves and you should be able to see them just fine.”

  Perhaps it was my recent run-in with a hot Italian man who seemed nice at first but then tried to use my body to house his dead wife’s soul, but I hesitated. Call it a hard lesson learned. “Can you demonstrate?”

  Mak’s eyebrow quirked up. “Of course. Who would you like to try it on?”

  At my silence, he said softly, “Ah. I see.” With a heavy sigh, he scooped some honey from the sleeping dragon jar and placed it on his lips. In an instant, he was gone. I couldn’t sense or feel him at all.

  “Mak?” Chills spun up my skin, igniting goosebumps along my arms. I glanced around the shop, turning in a tight circle. “Mak?” Irrational fear clutched at my throat, so I quickly opened the other jar and rubbed it across my own lips. Mak shimmered into view instantly.

  I blinked. “Okay. That was incredible. And disorienting.”

  Mak dried his lips with a honeycomb-designed handkerchief. “The effect will wear off every month or so and need reapplication. Do you have someone who can help?”

  “I think so,” I said. “You heard about Thessaly, I assume?”

  He nodded warily. “The demon, yes.”

  “Eh, she’s pretty misunderstood. Anyway, she can do it.” Impulsively, I grabbed his hand. “Thank you, Mak. This means the world to me.”

  He brushed a light kiss on my knuckles. “Do not worry yourself. I am happy to help. Outside of Spyro, there’s not much excitement here.”

  I grimaced. “Yeah, that was perhaps the biggest shock I’ve had in a while. Satyrs are weird.”

  “You’ll find most of us are, Signora.”

  I carefully placed both jars in my bag. “Why is it a sleeping dragon?” I asked, tucking it away. “I didn’t know there were any in Greek mythology.”

  “All of the great beasts of the ancient world were dragons in nature. Or, at least, horned serpents. Kholkikos was a giant serpent who guarded the Golden Fleece. He mostly slept, though, after the witch Medea put a spell on him and stole the fleece. It’s why we thought you were possibly a witch of her caliber, as well.”

  “Nope. Just a wolf.”

  “Yes. Well, that’s interesting on its own accord. Have a good day, Signora.”

  I exited the shop, feeling light again. I wasn’t a failing mother! I could save my boys and live my life. It was possible to have a balance. Well, now that they were out of the house. Little kids were all hands on deck.

  Back at the villa, I found Thessaly bundled in a chenille blanket with her feet practically in the hearth. She was sweating, but I didn’t point that out.

  “Buongiorno,” I said. “How was your night?”

  “Fine. I actually slept.”

  “Good. You look… warm.”

  “Thanks.”

  I pulled out the jars and handed her the one in the form of a dragon. “Could you put this on the boys’ lips for me when they’re sleeping? It’s honey from Mak. It’s supposed to make them invisible to magic.”

  “Yes,” she said, her hand shooting out of the blanket to take the jar before disappearing again.

  I pulled out a smear from the antidote. “And you’ll need to put this one on your own lips so the spell doesn’t impact you.”

  Thessaly puckered, and I applied the honey like a demon extreme-makeover artist. Her lips glistened in the light of the fire.

  “Are you okay?” I asked. “You look thoughtful.”

  “I don’t have dreams. Is that weird?”

  I frowned. “No idea. Did you before you were cursed?”

  “I think so.”

  “Hm. Maybe it will come back in time. Or maybe you just forget them. Most of us do. Thanks, by the way. For doing this. I feel like I owe the entire island a massive debt for coming together to help me.”

  “What else are they going to do? Your problems are the most interesting thing to happen to this island in a long time.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I keep hearing,” I muttered. “What I wouldn’t give for a little boring around here.”

  “Speaking of which...” Thessaly began.

  I waited for her to finish her sentence, but she had her ear cocked to the side. A moment later, Coronis flew in through the window as a crow and shimmered into her womanly form. At least she knew how to do it with clothes intact. “Come on, wolfie. It’s time.”

  “For what?”

  “We’re going to the Library. Let’s break a curse.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  I jumped to my feet, anticipation tingling through my fingers. “Great. How do we get there?”

  Coronis bustled into the kitchen and poured herself a cup of tea. “Actually, I was hoping Thessaly could help.”

  Thessaly barely reacted. I took that as a good sign. It wasn’t outright hostility. “Why do you think I can help?” she asked.

  “Because you inhabit the liminal spaces where the ghosts and demons reside.”

  “So you think I know how to find the Library?”

  “Well, yes,” Coronis said, sounding very sure of herself. “The Library of Alexandria has been missing for hundreds of years. It isn’t in this realm anymore, but we know it still exists, so it stands to reason that it lives where dead things lay.”

  I held up a finger. “Uh, what?”

  Thessaly stood up, the
blanket still tightly wrapped around her body. “I may know something that could help.”

  “I knew it,” Coronis said.

  “I have to go to America and take care of the wolf pups, but I will show you the way.”

  “They’re human, and they’re almost eighteen,” I said, but Thessaly ignored me and began drawing a detailed map on the back of one of Nonna’s silk napkins. Good thing Thessaly was a demon, because Nonna was not going to like that.

  “Here,” she said when she was finished, pointing to a secluded spot on the other side of the island. “It felt like a tear in the gauzy fabric of reality. There’s something there. Whether it’s an entrance to the ghost realm or something else, I do not know.” She yawned and let the blankets drop to the floor. “Now, I must go see the wolf pups.”

  “You’re doing that to annoy me aren’t you?” A small crack appeared at the corner of Thessaly’s lips, and I finally got it. “Ha, ha. Look at you. You’ve got jokes.”

  “Technically, it’s only one.”

  “I’m still proud of you.”

  I slathered the seeing honey on all three of us and gave Thessaly a hug. “Thank you again for watching them,” I whispered into her blue-streaked hair, and I noticed she wasn’t as stiff as usual.

  She sniffed. “It’s boring around here anyway.”

  Resisting the urge to smile, I nodded. “Right. Come on, Coronis. Let’s go find the Library. Maybe it will reveal the secrets to the universe.”

  “Or maybe we could find a really hot, multi-realm stripper available for parties.”

  “That too. Also, you could’ve warned me about it being in the land of the dead.”

  “And ruin the surprise?”

  Ten minutes later, Coronis dropped me off at the base of a cliff beneath a sacred grove. Waves crashed against the shore and swirled around my feet, pounding and receding with a mesmerizing regularity.

  “How do we get to the ghost realm?” I asked, shivering slightly at the damp seeping into my body.

  “Through there, I assume,” Coronis said, pointing toward a cave. The opening yawned wide like the maw of a primordial dragon.