Certain Rules

by G. L. Snodgrass

  DING DONG! The damn door bell sounded as if a gong from hell. Both Katie and I froze trying to fathom what had happened.

  DING DONG! Again the impatient sound reverberated through us, ruining our moment. “Maybe it’s Aunt Jenny and she’s lost her key. Oh my god, what if….” Katie said. Her hand went to her mouth and fear sparked thru her eyes.

  “Calm down Katie. Maybe it’s a salesman. Your Aunt would have called if she was coming back early,” I said, praying to every god I could think to that whoever it was could be gotten rid of quickly.

  I followed Katie as she approached the door. She turned to tell me something when the doorbell rang again. Whoever they were, they were as impatient as hell. I knew the feeling.

  Huffing in exasperation, Katie threw the door open.

  A pretty women in her mid-thirties with long blond hair, wearing a tight knit beige dress that clung to every curve stood at the door looking hesitant and a little afraid.

  Katie reached out and grabbed my hand,

  “Mom?” she said.

  .o0o.

  Katie

  My mother stood in the door way like a phantom from my nightmares. Where? How? Questions continually tumbled through my mind. Beyond unexpected surprise, this ranked up there with finding Atlantis while looking for a toothpick. My vision started to narrow and I thought I might faint. Instinctively I grabbed Scott’s hand for support. What was she doing here and why now?

  “Aren’t you going to invite me in honey?” She asked

  Every fiber of my being yelled for me to keep her drama away from Scott or he’d run for the hills. Prison hadn’t been kind to her. Fine wrinkly lines spread out from the corners of her eyes. Her lips looks smaller, less fluffy. Her neck no longer had the long tight tone it used to. My mom was no longer the young woman I remembered.

  “Who do we have here?” she asked, her eyes slowly traveling up the length of Scott making my hackles rise. I hadn’t known I had hackles until I saw the way my mother looked at Scott.

  “This is Scott James….. My boyfriend,” I said. Mother’s eyebrows rose in surprise as Scott stepped forward to shake her hand. Her eyes focused on his exposed chest where I had unbuttoned his shirt then shifted to my mussed hair and smeared lipstick.

  “I’m impressed,” she said with a weak smile.

  “Nice to meet you Ms. Rivers,” He said.

  Her small dainty hand looked like a tea cup in a mixing bowl as she shook Scott’s hand, holding onto it a little longer than necessary. I don’t know if she knew what she was doing. You’d think that someone who’d seen the bad side of life as much as she had would be beyond flirting, but I honestly think she used it as a weapon to keep others off balance. What she didn’t know was that it was wasted on Scott, he was oblivious.

  “So… Where Is Jennifer?” She asked.

  “Aunt Jenny’s gone for the weekend,” I answered before realizing what I was saying. Mother’s eyebrow shot so far up that I thought for sure that it would merge with her hairline. She looked again at Scott then back to me before shaking her head.

  A panicked expression crossed Scott’s face and he cleared his throat. “Listen, I better be going Katie. Thank you for a wonderful evening. The dinner was great. I’ll make sure Mattie gets that recipe from you. Okay?” he said with a smile.

  That’s my Scott, keep everything normal. My emotional rock was abandoning me to my mother. He couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I didn’t blame him, I blamed my mother. She had ruined all of my plans, again.

  I reached up and kissed him gently caressing his cheek. “Thank you, for everything. Pick me up on Monday for school?”

  He nodded as he leaned down and whispered in my ear “I love you Katie, hang in there. And I want a do over. We have unfinished business.”

  I blushed and nodded then hugged him good bye. Mom watched from the sidelines neither commenting nor showing any kind of curiosity.

  “Nice to meet you Ms. Rivers,” Scott tossed back to my mom as he put on his red and white letterman jacket before hurrying out the door. My mom looked at him with open admiration. Who could blame her? The man looked powerful and handsome. I’m sure she was wondering what he was doing with me. Heaven knew I wondered the same thing a dozen times a day.

  My mother waited until the door was fully closed before asking me “You’re on birth control right. Don’t want you making the same mistake I did.” I cringed inside. That’s what I’d always be, “Her Mistake.”

  I shrugged it off and faced her. “It’s no longer your concern Mom, you sort of lost the right to care when they hauled you off to prison. Remember?” She didn’t flinch at my sharp words. It would take a lot more than that to get through her stiff armor but her eyes widened in surprise. I wasn’t the mousy fifteen old she last saw in the court room.

  My mom didn’t know what happened to me in Jimmy’s apartment. But I think she had her suspicions. She was already in jail by the time I escaped and her pimp was in jail with her. she had long since hawked everything she owned to pay for drugs. No bondsman would give her bail money. The last time I saw her, the Judge had banged his gavel formalizing her three to five year sentence. She had thrown me a regretful look as they led her away in cuffs. A look that said, sorry kid, you’re on your own.

  “God this place gives me the creeps,” she said with a shudder, dragging me out of my dark memories. She ran a fingertip along the fireplace mantle. “How do you like plain old Nebraska?” she asked with a sneer.

  “I like it fine.” There was no need to go into details about the social purgatory Scott and I were in. In reality it wasn’t much different from my schools in California.

  “I can imagine. With a boyfriend like that.”

  “Why are you here mom? I thought you had to stay in the state if you got out on parole?” A sudden thought jumped into my mind. “You didn’t escape or anything did you?”

  Her rich laughter filled the room. It was a laugh I remembered from my early child hood when she’d pretend she was happy.

  “No, no, nothing like that. I’m out on parole. I got special permission to come see you. I have to be back in two days.”

  “Why,” It’s not like there was a deep abiding love she felt for me. She had barely written while in jail. A birthday note in November and a Christmas letter in December then nothing for another ten months. I had faithfully written to her every week while I was in foster care. Pretending everything was fine. When I didn’t get any responses I panicked, first thinking she knew and despised me for what happened. I figured out she just didn’t care. My last letter had been a short note to tell her I was moving to Aunt Jenny’s.

  It had occurred to me that my mother had returned after three years of separation and we hadn’t hugged each other. Not for the first time, I wonder if she felt any guilt about what happened.

  “Dad says to say hello by the way,” I said and was rewarded when her eyes popped and mouth fell open. Something had finally pierced her and I felt good to get a little back of my own.

  “You tracked him down did you? Is he still married to that Diana bitch?” she asked. Her claws came out and for the first time ever I saw a hint of jealousy in my mother.

  “Yes, they are still married, and in fact, their son Danny was Scott’s best friend for years. Funny how life works out sometimes.” The feeling of pure glee at twisting the knife a little did not make me upset. That might have worried me at another time, but not now, not with her.

  She stared off into space for a moment, probably wondering what might have been. She gathered herself and took a deep breath before squaring her shoulders. “It seems California’s jails are overcrowded,” she said. “They’re letting people out left and right.”

  My stomach dropped as I waited for her next words. Where was Scott, I needed Scott.

  “Jimmy got out too,” She said as she stared at me watching for my reaction. “I thought you might want to know.”

  Four words, four little words and my world ceased to exi
st as everything went black.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Scott

  I should have known, should have seen it coming. Maybe I could have changed things. Looking back the signs were all there. Hey I never claimed to understand girls. On Monday morning she had Mattie scoot over instead of waiting for her to get out and let Katie into the middle. I chalked it up to her being in a rush.

  The next indication was in first period when she didn’t say a word to me all class. Not even a note slipped under the desk. She sat their bighting the corner of her lip and staring off into space. Her books were lined up perfectly with the corner of her desk. She ran her hand along the edge checking the alignment three times. When she pulled out the third handy wipe and opened the package in the open I finally realized she wasn’t doing well. I reached over to caress her shoulder and let her know I was there. She cringed and drew away from me like a skittish colt. When the bell rang she was out the door with a quick wave.

  Lunch was a boring, lonely hell. Mattie told me that Katie had stopped her in the hall and let her know that she wouldn’t be joining us, that she had something to take care of. I cross examined Mattie in detail. Unfortunately she couldn’t provide any enlightenment, her confusion matched mine.

  Catching up to her during sixth period in the library, I came to a screeching halt. Her hair once again hung across her eyes and she wore a bulky sweater. Spring had arrived weeks ago, the library windows were wide open for Christ sake. From what I could see her eyes were red and puffy, she’d been crying. My heart broke as I walked up to her.

  “Are you all right Katie? How’d it go with your mom?” I asked.

  Her head leaned forward with her chin on her chest as she focused down at her hands with a frozen stare.

  “We can’t see each other anymore,” she said with a cold, emotionless voice.

  My heart stopped then broke into a thousand pieces like a shattered water glass. No warning, no “it’s not you, it’s me” statement, not even, “We can still be friends”, Nothing, simply an exclamation that ruined everything in my world.

  I’d been hurt before. I’d dislocated a shoulder in tenth grade. My face had a healthy chunk carved out by a snapped piece of barbed wire. My parents dying in a car wreck. Hell, even catching Danny and Gina had hurt. There are all kinds of different hurts. Nothing like this though. My very soul had been gouged out and left hanging to dry in the wind.

  “What… What do you mean?” I asked, my voice cracking for the first time in three years. Maybe I had misheard her.

  She shook her head and repeated it. “We can’t see each other again,”

  “For a while, or forever?” I choked out, dreading the answer.

  She hesitated then sighed and her shoulders slumped. “Forever,” she said. Bursting into tears before she turned and ran back to Mrs. Johnson’s office and away from me.

  There comes a time in every guy’s life when he is faced with a truly terrifying situation. We always wonder how we’ll perform. How will we react when a true crisis arrives? I wish to report that I failed miserably. I didn’t chase her into the office, didn’t run after her and take her in my arms and change her mind. No not big bad Scott. I stood there in shock, my mouth open and eyes bugging out like a fish on the beach.

  I’d lost the ability to calmly think. Everything was blank. The anger started to take over. I could feel it building from the bottom of my shoes and rushing to fill every muscle. I wanted to pound and destroy everything around me.

  Yelling “Aaaargh” at the top of my lungs I swung my fist and swept her perfectly aligned books off the counter and onto the floor. Feeling absolutely no better, I stormed out of the library before I could do more damage.

  Mattie pestered me all the way home about Katie, where she was, what had happened, what I had done to ruin things. Finally I told her to shut up or she could walk home. I didn’t even feel bad about snapping at Mattie. I didn’t’ know if I’d ever feel anything again.

  .o0o.

  Katie

  The deep dark shame filled every part of my body. Only the pain could fight against it. Scott hurt and I had been the one to cause it. Everything about what I had done to him was wrong. I will never forget his face when I told him. Scott didn’t like letting people see inside his feelings. His armor was every bit as strong as my mom’s.

  All day I had hid from the truth and delayed the inevitable. Putting it off because I couldn’t face the truth. Scott and I couldn’t be together. We’d never consummate our love. For the rest of my life I’d miss what might have been. I know that it will eat at my soul until I shrivel up and die.

  First period was hell the next morning. His huge physical presence inches away. His soft smoky aftershave sent a shiver down my spine. Warmth and that feeling of home poured off of him and into my core. We sat next to each other, neither speaking. Fighting hard to make sure our glances did not cross. Like Ghostbuster streams, if our glances crossed, the universe would cease to exist.

  This time, he was the first one out the door. His broad back briefly filled the exit before he disappeared. A sense of loss burned through me. The rest of the day was a blue haze as I walked through the school in a funk.

  The library became my safe haven. Every bump or scrape had my eyes shooting to the front door. My heart skipping a beat until I could confirm it wasn’t Scott walking in.

  A part of me wanted him to change my mind. Or at least try. I was a little hurt that he had given up on me so easily. I know I wasn’t being totally fair. He’d let me walk away. Nothing could have changed my mind. I’d not risk it. It would have been nice if he had tried though.

  The walk home that day was a surreal experience. The azure blue sky and gentle breeze were screaming spring. A time for love and regeneration. Somebody honked as me as they tore out of the school parking lot. I looked up and was surprised to see my brother’s girlfriend give me the finger and turned and laugh with her boyfriend. Danny didn’t look too pleased, He didn’t try to stop her though.

  Great, they hated me when I supported him, now they laughed at me when I cut his heart out. You’d think they’d have something better to do with their lives.

  My mind drifted as I unconsciously put one foot in front of the other. My heart kept screaming at me that I had made a mistake. My mind however knew it had to be done.

  I was half way home when my shoulders began to itch and a sense of dread settled over me. Somebody was watching me. Was Scott hiding somewhere and following me somehow. I almost jumped with joy. He did care, please help me change my mind I prayed. Maybe he knew of a solution.

  The itchy feeling didn’t last, maybe I’d imagined the whole thing. I finished the walk home and immediately hit my room. Crawling into bed I tried to push my world away.

  .o0o.

  Scott

  Five days of pain and humiliation. Stomachs weren’t mean to go through this much turmoil. Every time I saw her my heart stopped and fists clenched. Losing her had killed me. Not knowing why sent me to hell.

  I sat in my bed room lost in thought kicking myself for not taking a thousand pictures of her. Capturing every moment together should have been one of my main goals. No pictures, no emails. Not even a voice mail message. You’d think that in this day and world I’d have tons of things. The internet was useless. She didn’t have Face book or a twitter account. Nobody I knew had tagged her in any picture anywhere. Even last year’s year book didn’t help. It seems she’d been absent that day. Probably on purpose. Ever invisible.

  I picked the sewing needle off my desk. I don’t know where I got it from. Didn’t really know why I was holding it. My mind sort of turned off as I started to trace the letter K into the back of my hand. A fine red line appeared on the area between my thumb and my index knuckle. If I’d been all there I’d have thought about Harry Potter and the evil words that had appeared on the back of his hand. This was a simple K. About an inch long. My fingers continued to trace the shape, first pulling the needle down the long s
troke then tracing the other two parts.

  Repeating my movement. I didn’t know why I was doing it but I couldn’t stop. The first bit of blood didn’t shock me, the purple red color beaded into a drop and sat there as if it belonged.

  I scraped with the needle, more blood slowly began to ooze from the wound. Stopping for a moment I wiped the hand across my jeans and then started carving again. There is absolutely no telling how long I’d have sat there. I might very well have carved on my hand until my thumb fell off.

  Mattie saved me. She knocked on my door to let me know dinner was ready. A simple everyday occurrence. I jumped back into reality. The red K was already starting to scab over.

  I was positive that my hand would heal long before my heart.

  Chapter Twenty Three

  Katie

  Nothing in this world was right without Scott in it. I’d thrown away my emotional rock. My grounding path to the earth. Nothing could ever replace it. Twelve days. You’d think that things would ease up after eight days. It didn’t seem to be working that way.

  Aunt Jenny had tried to pull me out of this depression. I’d ignored her and continued to wallow in my pain. My appetite had disappeared, everything tasted bland and unfulfilling. My bedroom walls were crowding me, making me feel as if I was laid out in a coffin.

  Unable to stand it anymore I jumped up and headed for outside. “I’m going for a walk,” I yelled towards Aunt Jenny.

  Warm, muggy air had built up threatening gray clouds in the distance. Tornado weather the locals called it. Ignoring the warning signs, I set off down our street in the general direction of “I don’t care,” and “to hell with it.” With no idea where I walked or why I continued to get away from the house. It must have been an hour or more when I finally tried to figure out where I’d ended up.