Dance in my Heart

by Jones, Marjorie

  The hollow sound indicating an open phone line disappeared. She gripped the phone in the palm of her hand and stared at it.

  An expose. Her heart thumbed painfully in her chest. Some words in her profession boded ill for the subject of an article, no matter what the topic. Expose was one of them. Another was ‘investigation.’ ‘Juicy.’ Mark had used all three of them. She groaned.

  How could she possibly conduct an investigation into the management of the reservation social affairs and programs, and to focus the attention on the Director of Social Services? On Hawk?

  She pushed off the wall and squared her shoulders. She didn’t have a choice. She needed her job.

  It’s business. Not personal.

  She stole into the bedroom and gathered her clothing before slipping back into the hallway and dressing as quickly as she could. She glanced repeatedly at Jake’s door, praying he wouldn’t come out. He didn’t and she pulled the dress over her skimpy panties before shoving the stockings into her bag. Picking up her keys from the sideboard and snatching her shoes with two fingers hooked under the thin straps of leather, she left the house.

  She felt like crying and laughing at the same time. Of course it was personal. It was Hawk’s whole life.

  ~* * *~

  “Where are you?” Hawk’s head pounded as Candice picked up her cell-phone.

  He’d woken to find her gone and felt...

  Hell, he didn’t know how he felt, except lonely. Of course, he’d done the same to her, but that was before he really knew her. Before she knew him. It was different now. Right?

  “I’m sorry, Hawk,” she cooed. “I called my boss and arranged for a couple of more days out here. Like a little vacation. Sort of. So I came back to my hotel for some clothes and my work stuff. I’m actually only about an hour from you right now, on my way back.”

  Relief coursed through him like blood. How badly he needed her right now amazed him. And terrified him. He’d never needed anyone before. He’d spent last night making love to her for what he thought would be last time, again. But the gods seemed to have something else planned, for once again, he had been spared the agony of saying goodbye.

  He couldn’t think of a single thing in his life he’d done to deserve the pure grace of this woman.

  “Cool. How long will be here?”

  Did he sound needy? He hated people who clung and whined their way through life. Bootstraps. He preferred the ‘pick-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps’ kind of people. The kind he used to be before he realized if he didn’t’ hold her soon, he’d die.

  “As long as it takes.”

  “As long as what takes?”

  She cleared her throat. “For me to relax. I’ve been working too hard lately. Spending time with you has shown me that.”

  He smiled. “I think we both work too hard. I have to work today, but how about I take tomorrow off and we see the sights?”

  “Sure. It sounds nice.”

  “Is something wrong, you don’t sound yourself?”

  “I’m fine.”

  Hawk relaxed as he heard her smile through the phone. “I’m just tired. I’ll hang out and wait for you to get off work. We can have a quiet night in, tonight.”

  “Sounds like a plan. I’m heading to the office now. I’ll see you tonight.”

  Hawk placed the kitchen phone receiver back into the cradle and looked at his brother. Jake spooned a mouthful of Cap’n Crunch and lifted his eyebrows.

  “Well?” he asked around the spoon.

  “She went to get a few things, that’s all. She’s coming back now.”

  “I have to go out of town again, so I’ll probably miss her. Unless she’s spending the night?”

  “She probably will,” Hawk answered. He knew she would. Even though he should really cut bait with her. He needed to focus all of his energy on fixing the lives of his people. Chasing after some white woman in a short skirt wasn’t going to help anyone.

  Making his way to his motorcycle to head into the office, several hours late, he knew he lied. Having Candice in his life did one person a world of good.

  Me.

  ~* * *~

  Candice pulled her car off the side of the road and parked behind a large truck when she saw Hawk steer his motorcycle into his office parking lot. She hated lying to him. Assuming he’d want to take today off, however, she’d thought to buy herself an hour to shoot pictures around the res.

  Turns out she hadn’t needed to, since she now had the entire day to skulk around like the lowest form of tabloid journalist. She rested her head on the steering wheel as she watched Hawk’s limber frame climb off the bike and saunter into his building. Even from this distance, more than fifty yards away, she could make out the sinewy flesh of his strong neck, the play of light in his black hair.

  Or maybe she just remembered those things. Making love to him had become a necessary thing. She might have been lonely before she met him, but she hadn’t been miserable. She knew without a doubt, the moment he read the article Mark forced her to write, he’d never speak to her again.

  Much less, hold her in his arms and whisper, in his erotic, thick, native language, words meant to woo her heart. She closed her eyes when she no longer saw him.

  If she couldn’t see him, sight seemed pointless.

  The deep breath she drew did nothing to soothe the hints of predicted regret strumming through her. She teetered on the edge of full-blown deception and the dizziness from looking into the black abyss haunted her.

  Her cell-phone rang out, shattering the dismal illusion.

  “Lincoln, here.”

  “I didn’t get my check yesterday.”

  Of course he didn’t. Fred, her ex-husband, only called her when he didn’t get his check, or he’d heard she got a raise, or he wanted something from her; usually a romp in the sack.

  “I have it on an automatic deduction. If it wasn’t sent out, it’s not my fault. I’ll call accounting and find out what happened.”

  “You know, I put up with a lot of shit from you for a long time. I deserve that money. The judge said so. Fifteen hundred a month. Until I get married again or die. And I ain’t getting married.”

  She didn’t care if he got married again or not. In her present mood, she’d prefer the other option anyway. “I don’t have time for this, Fred. I’m working.”

  She hung up the phone and tossed it into the passenger seat. Running a hand through her hair, she heaved a weary sigh.

  With a promise of tears burning behind her eyes, she put the car in gear and drove to what could only be the beginning of the end.

  Of Hawk.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Two hours later, Candice sat in her car. She’d taken four rolls of pictures and spoken to several residents. She’d seen the effects of alcoholism in the swollen features of several elders; she’d learned about child abuse from a young man in a wheel chair who’d been crippled by his own mother.

  She also learned about love and patience from a young mother who despite the strikes against her, studied to become a nurse. She had seen kindness in the faces of three young girls who picked wildflowers while she photographed them and then crossed the field to give their collection to her. She’d seen hope in the faces of these people. Not laziness, and certainly not anything different than she would see in the faces of any other group of financially-challenged people.

  She loaded a new roll of film in her Nikon and focused out the driver’s side window.

  A knot of boys grouped together beside the sagging front porch of one of the rare site-built homes on the reservation. The clapboard house cried for a new roof, warped plywood covered one missing window and only a few boards retained their original white paint where the wind, sun and rain had stripped the pristine color away. Two of the boys straddled rusted bicycles, three leaned against the dilapidated porch and another four sat on the withering grass in the yard.

  Jeremy Littlefeather wasn’t among them, nor were the other two boys she’d se
en with him. She could only hope none of these boys were especially friendly with Hawk.

  Damn.

  If she weren’t careful, she’d lose herself in the lies. Pain ripped her soul as she realized it didn’t matter if she did. She’d be lucky to look at herself in the mirror in a week.

  She aimed her camera on the children and snapped several shots. Zooming in on their faces, each in turn, she photographed the whole scene. A girl stepped out of the front door with a toddler in front of her and an infant in her arms.

  Candice snapped several shots of the girl, and her heart wrenched. She didn’t look much older than sixteen. She gasped as the girl’s eyes fell directly into the lens.

  All of the boys noticed her then as well. Shame and fear crept over gooseflesh as three of them rose and walked her way.

  “Hey you! What are you doing?” They called to her.

  She took a breath, steadied her nerves and got out of the car. She could do this. She’d interviewed Saddam Hussein, for crying out loud. She could handle a few little boys.

  “I’m just taking some photos, if that’s okay?” She offered what she hoped was a friendly, open smile.

  The boys appeared suspicious. She couldn’t blame them, even as she kept that fake, misleading smile on her face. She was going to hell for this. No doubt about it. She’d sold her soul to the devil for her job, and when she wrote the article, she would cash the check.

  “What for?”

  “National Pulse Magazine.”

  “What’s it about?”

  “Well. It’s about a lot of things. My editor wants to know what it’s really like here. Are you happy? Are you discouraged? And maybe bring a little attention to any problems you have.”

  “What for? Nobody gives a shit about us. Especially white people.” The boy in the middle raised an eyebrow in her direction. Handsome, he appeared older than the others by a year or two.

  “Lonnie, what’s she want?” The girl from the porch yelled as she tried to calm her infant, who’d begun to scream and squirm.

  “She’s a reporter,” the same boy called back to her. “Wait a sec.”

  “Is that your family?”

  He nodded sheepishly, as if he were embarrassed. “I’m Lonnie Cross, and that’s my girlfriend, Beth. The boy there is Kenny, he’s not mine. The baby is Elisabeth. She’s three months old.”

  “You have a very nice family, Lonnie,” she said. “You should be very proud.”

  “Proud? Lady, we used to be proud. A hundred years ago, maybe a little more, this was our land. We didn’t use it with the blessing of the government and a few lousy hunks of cheese or spoiled beef. It was ours. You people came and took it, like you had the right or something. So do me a favor, and don’t talk to me about pride.”

  The pain in Lonnie’s eyes reached out to her. Hawk had his job cut out for him if he expected to change the attitudes of his people any time soon, if this boy’s outburst, and the nodding assent of his friends, were any indication.

  She didn’t know what to say. She certainly hadn’t run his forefathers off their land. She hadn’t been born yet. Hell, her grandparents hadn’t been born yet.

  “I’m sorry that happened, Lonnie. Really, I am. But shouldn’t you try to make the best of things now?”

  He snorted. “How? Get a job in town, where more often than not some asshole throws stuff at me? No thanks. Me and mine, we’ll stay right here.”

  “Lonnie,” Beth called, crossing the yard and then the narrow street to where they stood beside Candice’s car. “Just leave it alone. You don’t have to talk to her if you don’t want. I want to take a nap. Will you take the babies inside, please?”

  Lonnie took the baby from her arms and she watched his face light up. Bitter he may be, but he loved his child dearly. Would time and the challenges he faced erase the shimmering love from his eyes? Candice offered a quick, silent prayer they wouldn’t.

  Once Lonnie and his friends crossed the street, Candice focused her attention on the young girl in front of her. Pretty, with straight black hair to her waist, she crossed her arms over her chest.

  “You have to excuse him,” she began. “He’s been out of work for about a year now.”

  She should get in her car and leave. These were nice people and didn’t deserve to be the subject of some bullshit article about how sad and poor they are.

  “See, we almost lost Elisabeth. I was only a few weeks along and when I had to go to the hospital, Lonnie left his job to meet me there. His boss called him a worthless ‘injun’ and fired him that night. He’s been afraid to find a new job ever since.”

  “How do you live? Do you work?”

  “No. Lonnie won’t let me get a job. He says since I didn’t finish school, the only thing I could do is waitress and he doesn’t want some dirty white man grabbing at me.”

  “So, how do you live?” she repeated.

  “We get our government money and stuff,” Beth shrugged. “Welfare, AFDC. Food stamps.”

  Juice.

  This is what Mark had hoped for. If a leading national news publication printed an article about the Native American community living off the federal dolls, the media frenzy would begin in earnest. Renewed debates on both sides of the issue would eventually sink the Native American population further into the annexes of history as lazy and worthless.

  And Candice would be right there in the front, waving the battle banners.

  “I have to go back, now.” Beth’s voice sounded tired, but not angry. She sighed, “Listen. I’ve seen your kind before. I know why you’re here and what you’re doing. Please don’t use our names. Or the pictures, if you can help it. We have enough trouble with the townies thinking bad things about us, without adding something like this.”

  “I’ll do my best, Beth.”

  Swallowing tears, Candice got back in her car and pointed it toward Hawk’s house.

  How could she face him? How could she spend a ‘quiet evening’ with the man she loved, pretending she didn’t twist a knife in his back? She couldn’t do it.

  After holding back her tears for most of the day, she finally relented. The tears poured over her cheeks, leaving heated chills in their wake.

  She turned the car around and headed toward the highway.

  ~* * *~

  Hawk extinguished the tapered candle with his thumb and index finger, ignoring the singe of pain in the tips. He sunk back into the dining room chair and glanced at the clock.

  Nine-thirty.

  He’d called the hotel three times in the last three hours. The desk clerk hadn’t seen Candice since the morning. Candice either allowed her cell-phone battery to die, or she wasn’t picking up.

  “Hey, bro. What’s going on,” Jake said, flipping on the chandelier with the wall switch. “Why are you sitting here in the dark?”

  “No reason,” Hawk sighed.

  A week ago, he’d been perfectly happy with his life. The kids on the res respected him, listened to him. Counted on him. He’d managed to completely erase all of that with one hot-headed, stupid act. His personal life lived happily in the background. He danced. It was all he needed.

  He sure didn’t feel like dancing now.

  Without Candice, he had no reason to dance. He had no reason to wake up tomorrow.

  “Where is she, Mike?”

  Hawk shrugged.

  “Did she come by today?”

  “I really don’t want to talk about it,” Hawk snapped, immediately feeling guilty for that as well. “I’m going to bed.”

  Once in his room, he lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Her scent surrounded him, left on the sheets from the night before.

  He reached for the phone beside his bed and dialed her cell number.

  “Lincoln, here.”

  “Where are you, Candy? Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, Hawk,” her sad voice replied. “I...”

  Hawk listened to her sigh. His teeth ached where they clenched tightly.

&n
bsp; “I’m sorry, Hawk. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

  “You want to tell me why?” Why did his chest hurt? Why couldn’t he breathe?

  “We’re just different, Hawk. We live in different worlds, not just different states. It would have been better if we’d just left it alone after the weekend, you know?”

  “Yeah, you’re right,” he lied. “No problem. Hey, I’ll post my own money for the bail tomorrow. You won’t have to worry about your credit card that way. Nice knowing you. Take care of yourself.”

  He hung up the phone.

  Screw it.

  He leaned back on his pillow and pulled the opposite pillow, her pillow, over his face.

  It smelled of her.

  Whatever part of his heart still beat in the hollow cavity of his chest beat only for Candice Lincoln.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Boozhoo, Mike. How was dinner last night?”

  Hawk didn’t feel like talking, but Candice’s little decision wasn’t Celeste’s fault. “She changed her plans.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry about that. I know you went to a lot of trouble. I sure do like her, Mike. She’s a nice girl.”

  Too nice for him. His dirty little world had proved too much for her delicate nature, he guessed. As she pointed out, they lived in two different worlds. “Yeah, she’s nice. Hey, can you call Mary’s mother and set up an appointment for them to come in this afternoon? We need to arrange for a medical card for Mary as an emancipated teen so she can get her prenatal care set up through the clinic.”

  “Sure thing. Oh, and Deputy Brandon called about a half-hour ago. He wants you to call him back.”

  Hawk’s spine tingled with trepidation. Here we go. Time to pay up. He set his pack on the imitation leather sofa in his office and ran a hand through his unbound hair. What had the prosecutor decided? Would Hawk be charged with assault or attempted murder?