Pause

by CJ Adler

  Troy dusts his hands and stands up to face me after taking in the condition

  of the house. “It looks fabulous! I 'troydore' it!”

  I flop down on Jay's new pink couch that Oog and I painted, exhausted after today's events. I'm giving Troy leeway to talk about whatever it is that is on his mind—something I didn't think possible. It's then that Troy tells me that he's leaving for Rome. He dropped out of college for a modeling agency across the globe.

  Despite finding him annoying, my heart crumbles. Troy's family and I'm sure as hell going to miss him.

  He says goodbye to me before I hear the front door close after him, leaving me alone with Oog who is snoring on the kitchen countertop, fast asleep.

  It's been quite a walk on the wild side.

  ***

  2 hours later...

  The front door swings open.

  “Honey, I'm home!” I call as I quickly sit up, hoping that it's Troy with a changed mind— wishful thinking I guess.

  However, it's just Jay and by the looks of things, he's not happy, and not in his usual unhappy way.

  He arches a brow upon seeing me. “Hi, Honey?” he asks more than states, puzzled.

  I panic. “New house, who dis?”

  He doesn't bother to even crack a grin.

  “And now?” I frown, forgetting about his newly decorated house as I approach him, sensing that something is up.

  He sighs aloud. “It's done. She's been arrested.”

  My heart drops a little at his words. How I still care for that woman after everything she has put me though, I will never know. Still, it must have been difficult for Jay seeing as he's acting this way.

  It's only then that he takes in his new house. “What have you done,

  Aqueela?”

  Chapter 25

  Better Off

  I cock my head to the side as Jay continues to ramble on with lectures.

  Hmm...here's a good question, why don't hedgehogs just get over it and share the hedge? Ooh! Here's another brain teaser, if at first you don’t succeed...so much for skydiving. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. That's why I don't argue with Jay, speaking of which...

  “Hey, Aqueela?” Jay clicks his fingers in front of my face. “Are you even listening to me?”

  I nod absentmindedly. “Sure, sure. Absolutely,” I lie smoothly without him suspecting a thing.

  “What did I just say?” he interrogates me.

  Okay, so maybe he suspects a thing or two.

  “What is this? A pop quiz?” I mutter, annoyed.

  “I knew you weren't listening,” he replies calmly, probably more annoyed than me—okay, a lot more than me. “You never listen.”

  “You should go,” I mumble, pointing to the front door.

  He raises both eyebrows, struck speechless by my audacity. “This is my house!” He suddenly explodes, his short temper getting the best of him once again.

  I flinch at his tone but I'm amused nonetheless. “Still, you should go.”

  “My house!” he snaps at me again.

  “Not anymore,” I rectify his mistake. “It's our house now and you need to go.”

  “Dammit, Aqueela, I just spent the last twenty-five minutes explaining to you that this is my house only. You didn't listen to anything I said. Now we're back to phase one, arguing it out.” He sighs, running a frustrated hand through his hair.

  “Ooh, my favorite part!” I squeal excitedly, clapping my hands.

  “Yeah, only 'cause you always win,” he groans, unhappy. “First Oog and now you. Anyone else you want to move in too?”

  I raise my hand in suggestion. “Ooh! Ooh! What about Max or—”

  “I wasn't serious!” He shushes me before I get the chance to get carried away.

  I merely frown in response.

  “Don't give me that look,” he openly complains. “You seriously can't stay here.”

  I stomp my foot in a childish manner. “But you're eighteen,” I protest. “I have nowhere else to go to.”

  “Your grandparents? What happened to that plan?” he questions, genuinely confused.

  I yawn and wave off the matter. “It died.”

  “So will you if you stay here,” he threatens me, failing to come across as intimidating.

  “Meh,” I shrug casually, “I'll take my chances.”

  He sighs yet again. “Of course, you would.”

  I smile, leaning forward to poke his cheek. “Does that mean I can stay?” Jay rolls his eyes, pushing my prying fingers out of his face. “Only temporarily until we figure something out.”

  “Whoo!” I jump up in victory, fist bumping the air.

  Jay is quick to burst my bubble. “Only temporarily, Aqueela.”

  ***

  “Hey, Jay?” I mumble into the couch, face-down. “Jay? Jay? Jay?” I continue, not giving him time to respond. “I'm talking to you.” I lift my head from the couch to look at him.

  “What?” He huffs, tired, as he flops down beside me.

  “I think we should get a dog,” I state randomly, feeling down and lonely. Troy's left and Yolanda has been arrested. I don't even have Bells anymore. Everything in my life is going wrong.

  I glance his way to see his reaction.

  “You've been living with me for—” he trails off and checks his watch, “— approximately two hours and you're already implementing decisions and getting comfortable. What part of 'temporarily' did you not get?”

  “Uhm…” I tap my chin in mock thought, “the 'tempo' part,” I answer his rhetorical question just to annoy him further. “Ooh, and the 'rarely' part!”

  He suddenly sits up as if something is bugging him. “You know what,

  Aqueela, I hate to admit this, but I'm worried about you.”

  I raise both my eyebrows in question. “Why?”

  “Because you've just lost a lot of people and you're not talking about it. You need to voice your hurt,” he says. “I mean, your mother, or the woman that's claimed to be your mother for years, just got arrested. You moved out of the place you called home for most of your life and your best friend, the one you claimed as your sister, wants nothing to do with you. How are you keeping up with this façade? You should know that you don't have to pretend around me.”

  I frown at his words, aware that he's right. “I'd rather not discuss my personal affairs with you, Mr. Jay Taylor,” I tease in an attempt to change the subject.

  “Stop that! I'm trying to help you,” he snaps, his tone hinged with genuine sincerity.

  “Stop what?” I ask innocently, batting my eyelashes coyly. “Stop acting like you're fine.”

  “But I am fine,” I whine insistingly. He simply sends me a dead-panned stare, in turn, not buying it. I cave. “What do you want me to say, Jay? Of course, I'm hurting right now. I don't even know where my future is taking me anymore. At this point, you're the only one I have to turn to.”

  “That's better,” he whispers. “I know I don't always act like I care about your well-being, but I do. I know you don't want to talk about it, and believe me, I get that. If anyone understands, I do. But let's just say you need someone, if you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

  Before I can say anything, he's off to his room for the night.

  Feeling overwhelmed by the day's chaotic events, I fall into deep thought. I'm tired of being happy-go-lucky all the time, especially when I feel like the walls of my life are slowly crumbling. It's not just my mother or Bells, it's everything. I'm beginning to wonder if my father even remembers my existence. Surely, he's heard of the arrest by now. I don't know...I guess I was just expecting a phone call or something, just a sign to show that he still cares a little. His rejection stings, more than I'd like to admit.

  I close my eyes but sleep doesn't come. Being in a new environment is having its effects on me. I toss and turn, unable to find peace. The reality of it all is only hitting me now.

  I get out
of bed and switch on the light, contemplating on waking Jay up, but I don't have the heart to do it. I sit back down on the bed and stare at the floor before feeling a dip, another weight slumping down beside me. I look up to see my one and only.

  “Can't sleep?” he asks affectionately, taking me by surprise. I was expecting him to be angry with me since I'm pretty sure I woke him up with all my racket. I shake my head, confirming his theory. “Figures. I was expecting it. You've been through a lot,” he concludes gently.

  “Sorry if I woke you,” I mumble sheepishly, avoiding eye contact, feeling stupid.

  He shakes his head. “You didn't wake me.”

  “I lied,” I confess, ready to open up. “I'm not fine.”

  “I know.” He nods, supportive. He can practically see through me. “You've had a rough day, talk to me.”

  “I'm scared, Jay. I know I have you, and I have my grandparents and my uncle and so many others, but it doesn't feel like it's enough, you know?” I ask, needing him to see where I'm coming from. “I don't know, maybe I'm just ungrateful—”

  “You're not ungrateful, Aqueela,” he cuts me off, immediately disagreeing with me. “You're only human, and I think it's time you start to see that. I know you, and I know you want everything and everyone to be fine, even if you're not. It's compassionate, but it's also incredibly stupid. You need to stop living for others and start living for yourself or you're going to burn yourself out.”

  I hear what he's saying, and unfortunately, he is absolutely right. “I feel lost.”

  I'm half expecting him to either judge me or laugh at me but, as always, he does the unpredictable. “Then maybe you need to start searching,” he suggests, being sensitive to how I feel.

  “For what?” I ask aloud, confused.

  “For whatever it is that you've always been searching for,” he answers, straightforward. “Don't even bother trying to deny it. I've been where you are now. I've stood where you're standing.”

  He hits the nail right on the head. I begin to explain myself, “My father left when I was—”

  “Twelve,” he finishes for me. “I remember. You told me.”

  “I haven't seen him or heard from him in six years. I just thought that he'd call by now but he hasn't, and I feel empty inside. I know he left, but, c'mon, he's still my father. I clearly don't matter to him and it kills me. For the last couple of years, I've been trying to erase him from my memories, but it's impossible,” I confess.

  “I understand. I wonder about my real parents too, sometimes,” he pauses, looking down to meet my gaze, “I understand.”

  “But do you ever want to find them?” I coax.

  “Sometimes,” he admits, hesitant. “I almost tracked them down once.” “What happened? Why'd you stop?” I ask, no longer following.

  “I'm better off without them…” he falters. “At least, that's what I've convinced myself.”

  I refuse to accept his outlook.

  He sees my crestfallen expression and goes on to add, “But you, Aqueela, you have a real shot here. I know six years is a long time, but if you want to find your dad, then we're going to find your dad.”

  “We?” I question.

  “We.”

  Chapter 26

  Put Me Down!

  “This isn't a good idea, Aqueela,” Jay repeats for the billionth time while I ignore him for the billionth time. “You know we're not on good terms as of right now,” he reminds me.

  I nod. “Yeah, and that's my fault. Remember?” I take the liberty to remind him of how he practically threw Grey out of the house for me.

  Jay scoffs. “You're so melodramatic. Grey will come around. He always does. Besides, we were never really that close—”

  I roll my eyes, interrupting him, “Oh shut up already, Jay! The whole world can tell that you and Grey have some type of bromance going on. Just face it, you two are friends.” I huff, exasperated with the two of them always denying it when it's so obvious that they depend on each other, especially on the track.

  Jay furrows his eyebrows in distaste at my choice of words. “Can you not use the word bromance?”

  “That depends,” I answer nonchalantly.

  He raises a brow, skeptical. “On what, exactly?”

  “On if I feel like it,” I tease. “Do I feel like it?” I ask aloud and tap my chin in mock thought as if contemplating it. “Yup, I do indeedie! Jay and Grey are in a bromance!” I shout the last part aloud.

  Jay rolls his eyes at me before slapping a hand over my mouth as if to shut me up. I squirm away from him, pulling away from his light grasp on my wrist.

  “Can you not be...you?” he asks, completely serious. “At least, not around here.” He motions to the rundown streets, the cars and his people.

  “JT, are you really asking me to mask my true self ?” I ask, feigning offense as I place a hand over my heart.

  He takes one look at me before nodding, no hesitation whatsoever. “Yes. Yup. That's definitely what I'm asking,” he confirms in ease, unfazed by the frown now touching my lips.

  “Oh, please, Jay, don't sugarcoat it!” I snap sarcastically.

  He holds his hands up in defense as he tries to justify it. “You called me

  JT again. Technically, you were asking for it.”

  “Touché.” I shrug.

  I fall silent when a pretty redhead in a leather jacket casually strolls past us. She immediately notices Jay and grins. “Sup, JT.”

  “Hi, Emma,” he returns the greeting.

  “Hey!” I raise my voice at Jay as something dawns on me. “She called you

  'JT!'” I point out in a matter-of-fact way. “And you didn't say anything!” I retort stubbornly, not letting the matter go. “In fact, everyone around here addresses you as 'JT', so why can't I?”

  Jay sighs, averting eye contact. “Because you're not one of them, Aqueela,” he mutters, barely audible.

  I cross my arms and glower up at him. “Wow. If you're trying to infuriate me then I must say that you're very talented!” I hiss before spinning around, heading down to the tracks to wait in anticipation for Grey to get back from his stupid race with his stupid car that stupid Jay gave him.

  Jay hauls me back with his sudden grip on my arm. “Aqueela,” he pleads, “wait. That came out wrong.”

  I turn back to face him, offering him my time of day. “Sure did,” I agree, nodding my head profusely, still offended.

  He glances down at me, his gaze having softened, his pretty blue eyes freezing me in place. “It's just that…that nickname, JT, a lot of bad people from my past used it. It's just a reminder of everything I've done wrong in life, stuff I'm trying to forget and move on from.”

  I protest, “But—”

  “The racers use it as my racing name. At first, it irritated the hell out of me but eventually, I grew used to it. But you, Aqueela, I can't grow used to you using it because you shouldn't be associated with the past or anything remotely bad. Right now, you're my present. You're better than all these people. You shouldn't have to call me JT when you can just use my name. You're supposed to better than these people…you know? You're always supposed to be better.”

  I have no idea at what he's trying to get at so I just go with the flow and nod absentmindedly in an attempt to get him to stop rambling. “I understand,” I say, obviously lying.

  Unfortunately, Jay knows me all too well by now. “You don't understand at all, do you?”

  I let out a relieved breath and shake my head. “Nope, not a freaking clue.”

  “What I was getting at is that to me you're always going to be better than the people who refer to me as JT. It's a garbage nickname for a garbage past. I'm reformed now. I'm Jay. And you, you as one of the better people in my life, should refer to me by the new and reformed me. Please, Aqueela, it's just Jay to you, especially you.”

  I fall silent at his words, caught off guard. I now understand where he's coming from.

  Jay steps forward, a puzzled expression on
his face as he inspects me closely. He arches a brow as he looks into my eyes, a small smirk pulling at the corners of his lips. “Are you seriously blushing right now?”

  I'm quick to slap my hands against my cheeks, only to feel that they are in fact ridiculously hot.

  I begin laughing aloud at him, waving the matter off as best I can. “What?” I ask between my short periods of fake hysterical laughter. “Me? Blushing? Because of you?” I ask, sucking in a deep breath before laughing again.

  “I didn't say because of me,” he teases.

  “That's rich. Pshaw. Nuh-uh. It's just the weather. It's really hot out

  and—”

  “It's freezing, Aqueela. Look around,” he interrupts with an amused smile as he points up at the gray sky, the cool wind gently tossing my hair about. “Hence your coat and boots,” he reminds me, slowly skimming over my appearance.

  “Well, maybe it's just me then.” I shrug, implying that it's only because of all the extra layers I'm currently wearing.

  He grins playfully at this and nods, agreeing. “Yeah. You're right. Maybe it's just you.”

  I sense the ambiguity in his words and before I can say anything, he's already walking away. I watch after him, stunned by his attitude. I need to recover and get my 'cool' back because he just dismantled it all.

  I break from my stupor when I hear victory cheers. I glance sideways to see Grey crossing the finish line, having finished the race first. The crowd goes wild, chanting his name, clearly in favor of him.

  My attention is immediately captured as I watch, intrigued, as Grey steps out of his car, only to be congratulated by the rest of his delinquent buddies. I'm a little more than shocked when he grins at them, thanking them.

  Hooray! He isn't a robot after all! He actually displays emotion.

  I take sheer delight in skipping up to him, making my way through the crowds, and, by that, I mean shoving everyone aside. His back is still to me by the time I reach him. He's caught up in a conversation with one of his friends.