by CJ Adler
That's the problem. He said it aloud and failed to realize. I'm sick of him just seeing me as someone to mess with, especially when he knows better.
“Aqueela—”
“Save your breath,” I say, stopping him. I can accept him not feeling the same way. What I can't accept is him messing with me when he knows I like him. I don't appreciate being strung along.
Jay takes an intruding step forward, his eyes never leaving mine. “Can you just let me—”
I summon the courage to stand my ground. “Jay,” I whisper, “you can't keep treating me like this. I'll take what I can get from you. Your friendship is enough. Nonetheless, you know how I feel about you, yet it doesn't stop you from flirting with me at times when it best suits you. Other than that, you don't ever acknowledge my feelings. I'm never taken into account.”
I don't want to cause a fight between us when I need him most. He stares at me, falling silent.
“Jay?”
My voice brings him out of his thoughts. He keeps his eyes fixed on me and takes the first step back, creating more space between us. When I see the guilty expression on his face and the sadness twinkling through his blue eyes, I realize my mistake: I've overstepped. Now, he's pushing back. He's pushing me away.
“We don't need to discuss it further, Jay. I know you don't like talking about stuff like this, but—”
“We should go, Aqueela,” he cuts me off. “It's a long way there and it's getting late. Wouldn't want to miss visiting hours,” he replies firmly as he begins walking ahead of me, refusing to meet my gaze.
My heart shatters a little at his blunt rejection. He's doing it all over again. “This is exactly what I'm referring to, Jay,” I raise my tone slightly as I follow begrudgingly after him. “You always do this.”
Still, he ignores me. His walls are set back in place as he, impatiently, waits for me in his car. I crossed a line that he drew and now he's shutting me out like when we first met.
I won't allow it. I didn't work this hard to become his friend only to lose him over stupid feelings that I wish I could erase. However, it's too late, I've become attached.
I get in the car and slam the passenger door shut. “Stop shutting me out,” I command angrily. He can’t come into my life, save me from Yolanda, and then treat me like this. It's not fair! “I like you, Jay. I have ever since I met you. You can try to forget it, you can try to erase it, hell, you can even run for the hills, but the one thing you can't do is force me to stop liking you. Because I won't.”
He always makes out as if the problem isn't there.
Again, he blatantly ignores me, not even bothering to acknowledge my presence as he starts the engine and reverses out of the driveway.
“Are you seriously just going to ignore me? Is this how you're going to handle all of this? I thought you were above this.”
“Well, that's your mistake!” he snaps, finally speaking to me. “You should have known better. I told you from the start to leave me alone.”
The thing with Jay is when you push, he pushes back tenfold harder.
For an infinite amount of time. I sit in the car and watch him drive, processing his words. “If you want me to leave your life for good, just say so and I'll go.”
Refusing to acknowledge this conversation, he changes topics. “That place is going to be a hotspot once it's completed.” His eyes move off of the road and onto the new bowling alley being built.
I should've realized that he'd resort to indifference. I simply roll my eyes at his words, not interested. “Pull over,” I demand on impulse, not thinking this through.
When he fails to respond, it only angers me all the more.
“Jay!” I raise my tone to get his attention. “Stop the car.”
This time, he listens, pulling over. He mutters something under his breath as he unlocks the doors, allowing me to get out and leave—a sign that he won't hold me back.
I begin opening my door when I hear him sigh. Then, sufddenly, his hand is tugging on my arm, gently forcing me back into my seat. “Aqueela, please don't leave,” I hear him say quietly from beside me.
I shove his hand off of my arm and turn in my seat to face him. “You just made your intentions clear. You don't want me around. Fine. Consider me gone.”
He begins shaking his head at my words, his eyes filling with anxiety.
“Aqueela.” He panics. “Don't go.”
“Then give me a reason to stay,” I demand, incredibly hurt that he implied he wished he'd never met me.
There's a flash of fear that crosses his eyes as he looks at me, his mouth slightly agape as he thinks of something to say. His hesitation increases and his expression mirrors that of a deer caught in headlights. If he can't find anything to say, then there's really nothing keeping me.
“That's what I assumed,” I say, opening my door before getting out. I'll find another way home.
It's when I hear a door slamming shut after me that I realize he's following me. “Go away.”
I hear his footsteps. He stops me, trying to get me to at least look at him. I simply refuse and turn away. I don't want him to see that the stone has crumbled— I'm in pieces.
I keep on walking and, eventually, his footsteps fade out, but then he goes and says something that freezes me to the spot:
“You're, honest to God, the best thing that's ever happened to me.”
His words float around in my head for what seems to be an inevitable amount of time until I come to a halt in my steps. Slowly, I turn around to face him, still stuck in my stupor. It only takes one look at him to know that he's telling the truth. He really means it.
I'm taken aback by the fear I see flickering behind his eyes. He's scared. In fact, he's petrified. The fear that he's always been hiding has finally been revealed to me, no longer lost in translation.
“If that's not a good enough reason to stay, then I don't know what is,” he tells me, pulling me out of the trance he'd trapped me in.
That glimpse of fear disappears, camouflaged beneath his cold eyes, a way of creating a safety net for himself.
“You're scared of commitment?” I ask aloud on impulse—not really the best thing I could say at a time like this seeing as he practically just told me how he felt about me. In my defense, I hadn't been expecting that.
Much to my surprise, he chuckles as if it isn't such a big deal, brushing his fear aside like he always does. “It's not so much commitment that scares me,” he replies, no hostility this time 'round. “It's the fact that everyone I've ever committed to in someway has left me. They always do. My birth parents, my adopted parents...I can't commit solely to you, only for you to leave in the end.”
I close off the distance between us and take hold of his hand in an attempt to reassure him. “I wouldn't leave you,” I say in utmost conviction. His fear is irrational and misplaced.
He feigns a grin but I see through him this time. “How can you say that when you were so close to leaving just a second ago?”
I falter in my confidence, caught off guard by the question. He is absolutely right. I almost just left him over some stupid argument. Never again.
“You really have abandonment issues, Jay.” I smile playfully as I step forward and embrace him, wrapping my arms around his neck, bringing him closer to me. “I think you could use a hug and I don't care if you told me to never hug you unexpectedly, I'm doing it anyway.”
He laughs at this and wraps his strong arms around my waist, returning the hug without so much as a complaint.
“I was only going to leave because I thought that's what you wanted. I only want you to be happy,” I say in all honesty, taking a step back to look him in the eyes.
“I won't leave, Jay, not if you don't want me to.”
“But, Aqueela…” He falters as he tries to think of a way to say what I already know.
I smile and gesture for him to continue, having already accepted it.
“I can't give you what you want. I can't be with yo
u in the way you want me to…” He breathes out, waiting for my reaction. When I don't give one, he continues, “It's not because I don't want to be with you like that...it's just not that easy. It's just a lot more complex than you realize.”
I nod understandingly. “You're not in the right place. I see that now.”
He flashes me a sincere grin and wraps a loose arm around my shoulder, motioning for us to get a move on. My outburst has set us back.
He says nothing more as we get back into the car. We're back on the road in no time.
I turn my head to the window, watching the trees pass by swiftly as Jay pushes his foot down on the accelerator. “Does this mean you like me now?” I ask only once we're out of the car, recalling his confession—the one he's now avoiding.
He scoffs before chuckling. “Wouldn't you like to know?”
I nod my head profusely. “If I didn't want to know, I wouldn't ask. Now give me an answer.”
“Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?” He grins down at me, nudging me, before walking on ahead.
“Jay!” I shout after him in order to get my answer.
My shouting falls on deaf ears because he continues on walking.
“C'mon, Jay!”
I hear him laugh as if finding this to be hilarious. He finally stops and turns to face me, his gaze of blue keeping me in place. “Why else would I put up with you, Aqueela?”
I hope the clouds can hold me because I'm skipping on them right now.
Chapter 30
Good Intentions
“This way, Ms. Lawson,” the police officer says before gesturing to Jay. “Is your boyfriend going to accompany you?”
“I'm not her boyfriend,” Jay corrects the officer at the same time I say, “Why yes, yes my boyfriend—” I emphasize, liking the ring to it, “will be accompanying me.”
The officer glances between the two of us, clearly confused. Jay, on the other hand, is glaring at me. The officer brushes it aside, unconcerned, and goes through a lengthy procedure before leading us to the visiting area.
She's currently being detained. They're allowing her to see me in person because, let's be serious, she's not on death row nor has her trial taken place. I have yet to testify. I can still save her from prison. That's why I'm here. I need to see if she's remorseful, if she truly deserves freedom.
The officer nods before leaving Jay and me in the company of another officer.
I gulp when I spot Yolanda waiting for me at a table, her head in her hands. Jay coughs awkwardly, reminding me that he's still here, that I'm not facing this alone. I shoot him a grateful smile at the not-so-subtle gesture. I take his hand into mine before pulling him along. I sit down in front of Yolanda, Jay taking the seat beside me so that we're facing her.
She must hear the screech of the chairs against the floor because her head shoots up. It takes her a second or two for it to register before a smile breaks across her face.
“Aqueela,” she breathes out in disbelief. She slowly stands up and approaches me where I'm sitting. Out of modesty and manners, I stand up as well.
“I've missed you,” she whispers before embracing me tightly.
The officer supervising is quick to remove her from me. I freeze. I definitely wasn't expecting that.
Jay, weary, watches quietly, still deciphering if she's being sincere or not. She stares at me as if she hasn't seen me in years. It allows me to get a better view of her too. She's lost some weight and seems healthier. The dark circles under her eyes are no longer as visible. It means that she's actually sleeping.
“You look well, Yolanda,” I say carefully.
“Thank you,” she says as if pleased, responding well to my compliment. It's only then that she notices Jay. Her eyes stray toward him and then back to me. “And who might this be?” she asks.
A flare of fury flashes through Jay's eyes before he, too, stands up to greet her. Surprisingly, he offers her his hand to shake.
I was sure he would misbehave in some form or another. Maybe he does have manners after all.
Yolanda takes his hand and shakes it, a faint smile on her face. “Yolanda,” she introduces herself to him, “Aqueela's stepmother.”
I blow out a breath of relief when she says 'stepmother' and not 'mother'. She's finally realized and accepted the fact that we're not related by blood.
“Jay Taylor,” he greets calmly, “the guy that got you arrested,” he concludes through gritted teeth like the violent spitfire he sometimes is.
Okay, so maybe he's not choosing to behave.
Yolanda pulls her hand away as if she's just been burnt. A spark of vengeance courses through her brown eyes but then, in that moment, she happens to catch my eye. Her brown eyes immediately soften, that spark of vengeance put out by seeing me hurt—proof that she cares, she cares about me.
“What are you doing with my stepdaughter?” Yolanda asks him, doing her best in maintaining her mask of nonchalance. She's being civil for my sake.
Jay opens his mouth to answer her question but I step in. “He's my boyfriend.” This way, Yolanda can't pass judgment on him without offending me.
Jay glances at me with a narrowed stare, wanting to correct me. However, when he sees my pleading expression, he gives in.
Yolanda doesn't seem pleased with my answer, however, it does keep her at bay from saying anything to him that could potentially offend him or most likely offend me. You say something against Jay; you say something against me.
“Boyfriend?” Yolanda repeats aloud, utterly confused. “How come I never knew you had one?”
Jay decides to answer her and put her in her place. “Maybe because you were too busy abusing her!” he snaps, his temper getting the best of him once again.
If I'd known he was going to react to her presence in this manner, I never would have brought him along. He's handling this worse than me.
“Jay!” I hiss bitterly at him. He's bringing up a past that I'm desperately trying to move on from.
Forgive. That's my motto.
My shouting doesn't stop Jay from his rampage, “And you can be sure that I'll make sure you rot in here if you so much as lay another finger on her ever agai—”
“Jay! That's enough!” I yell at the top of my lungs, silencing him.
He steps back from Yolanda, still angry; well, now, so am I! I have to remind myself that his intentions are good. He's coming from a good place.
“But she—” He tries to protest but I silence him with my hand. He doesn't give up as easily as I hoped he would. “But it's her—”
“Sit,” I demand fiercely.
Immediately, he slumps down into his seat sulkily.
“Sorry,” he mumbles, an apologetic look on his face—one that I can't quite resist, especially when he's giving me such remorseful puppy eyes.
It's when I glance back to Yolanda that I see the tears pooling in her eyes.
My heart shatters then…just a little. I never wanted to see her hurt.
“He's right. I deserve to stay here after what I've put you through. Aqueela, I'm so sorry,” she says softly, her words coming from her heart.
When a single tear traces her cheek, I can't help but act on impulse. Suddenly feeling like her daughter again, I step forward and lunge myself into her arms. “It's okay. You're forgiven,” I say as she cries into my shoulder.
And here I thought I'd be the one breaking down. If it's not Jay, then it's Yolanda. When do I catch a break?
I release Yolanda's form after I've consoled her. I know she's trying to pull herself together to keep me stable.
She takes me by surprise when she lifts the sleeve of my shirt up and traces her hand over the scars on my arm. “I'm sorry,” she cries again. “I'm so sorry.”
I flinch away, not wanting her to fuss over the scars when they've already faded. I don't want to be stuck in the past. I pull the sleeve of my shirt back down and nod in understanding. “It's okay. I'm okay,” I say, encouraging her to sit down.
; She takes a seat before leaning over the table to grab ahold of my hands. She begins telling me about her rehabilitation for her alcohol and drug addiction. She tells me everything I want to hear: that she's done with alcohol and drugs.
I smile at this, my heart warming in the process. “I'm so proud of you,” I say softly, squeezing her hands tightly. “I'm not going to testify against you,” I inform her, my mind made up. “That means you should be out of here soon.”
Yolanda raises her eyebrows, releasing my hands, caught off guard. She's not the only one. Jay's head snaps to me as a scowl takes over his expression, his eyes ablaze.
“Are you insane, Aqueela? You have to testify…” He trails off when he sees the deadly look I'm shooting him. He stops mid-sentence with a scoff before shutting up to hear my reasoning.
I glance back at Yolanda. “You only hurt me when you were drunk or high.
Now that you're sobering up, I don't see a reason to keep you behind bars. You're no longer a threat to me if you don't drink. I believe you deserve your freedom. I know how regretful you are of your previous actions and I can see your sorrow. You're a good person and you don't deserve to stay in here.”
She begins shaking her head. “Aqueela, no, you don't have to—”
I place my hand up in order to stop her from continuing. “I'm doing this. You can't change my mind. You can have your life back so long as you stay out of mine.”
I stand up and motion to a brooding Jay to do the same. It's time to go.
I send one last smile Yolanda's way. “I'll see you when I see you,” I say goodbye before dragging Jay after me as he continues on glaring daggers at Yolanda.
Chapter 31
Just Try and Stop Me
“Wake up,” a voice demands for the umpteenth time.
Again, I just turn over and ignore him, lulling myself back to sleep.
“Aqueela, get up,” he repeats.
I never thought I'd hate hearing his voice before now. I moan and choose not to comply, burying my head deeper into my pillow. Then, before I know it, the covers are removed off of me.