by CJ Adler
I jolt up in irritation and send him a scowl. “Back off, Jay,” I whine sleepily, glancing around my dark room. “It's like 3 in the morning. What's your deal?” I complain, letting out a yawn of exhaustion.
“It's 3, yes, but 3 p.m., you idiot,” he corrects me.
“Yeah, right. Then why is my room is so dark?” I ask, wanting to disprove his stupid statement.
He taps his chin in mock thought. “Hhmm, I don't know, maybe it's because of the black plastic bags you hung up all over your room, including on the window, to block out all the light.”
Oh yeah…totally forgot about that.
I blink up at him innocently. “That's a preposterous theory,” I try to defend myself. “I'm not a crazy person.”
Jay shakes his head at me, impish. “First off, you are a crazy person, and second, and I'm quoting you now, 'Jay, I can't sleep with light. Ooh, plastic bags will do the trick. It would seem like night all day long',” he mocks me in a high-pitched, girly voice that sounds so unlike me.
I glare at him. “I do not sound like a wounded puppy juggling marbles in its mouth!” I hiss at him and his terrible annotation of my voice. “And, besides, I forgot I put plastic bags up all over the room. That just proves my idea is great. On the other hand, the night did feel awfully long.”
Jay rolls his eyes at my rambling before leaning down and yanking me out of bed. “I would've let you sleep more. Hell, I'd let you sleep forever seeing as the house is so peaceful, but, unfortunately, I have to wake you up because you have a visitor downstairs.”
My eyes snap open upon hearing the word 'visitor'. Immediately, I jump out of bed, shoving Jay aside excitedly. “Oooh, visitor! We have a visitor!” I squeal happily, clapping my hands repeatedly, much to his frustration. “You could've just said that from the start and left out your boring lecture,” I say, pushing him out of my room.
I change quickly, my hair still wet from my shower, before running downstairs to meet this visitor of mine. I glance around the lounge questioningly, finding no one in sight. Jay seems to know my question because he's already answering it. “He's waiting outside. He insists on not coming in. I think he's still angry at you.”
Well now, what male isn't angry with me at the moment? That doesn't rule out a lot of people.
I open the door ecstatically, only to see no one. I frown. Just as I make a move to shut the door, I hear someone clear their throat from below. My eyes drop down to the floor where the short pudgy kid stands. I sigh mentally before slamming the door closed anyway. Well, that was disappointing.
“No visitor in sight,” I say to Jay, but, of course, he sees through my lie.
He grumbles beneath his breath about always having to answer the door for me. He, being courteous and polite, invites the devil in.
“Cool Guy Jay, good to see you,” the twerp greets.
Jay grins down at him in a friendly manner before fist-bumping him. “'Sup, buddy.”
“Okay, you've said 'sup, now leave,” I command bossily.
The kid narrows his eyes at me. “To be quite frank, babe, Cool Guy Jay can do a lot better,” he taunts, sizing me up with his perverted eyes before grinning.
My mouth falls agape at his comment. Jay, on the other hand, cracks up laughing at Blubber's insinuation.
Blubber's eyes roam over my body shamelessly. “However, I'll meet you halfway and compromise. I'm single, you're single, you know where to find me.” He winks up at me suggestively as if he stands a real shot.
“The ball pit?” I ask, mocking him.
“No.” He glares before recovering. “Just call me, sweet cheeks.” He smirks, clicking his tongue flirtatiously at me before sending me the call me sign with his chubby fingers.
Jay laughs aloud at this, enjoying seeing me squirm in discomfort, no thanks to this psycho baby child in front of me. I send a glare Jay's way and immediately he shuts up.
“I wasn't going to bring this up but seeing as you're being so civil today, I won't hold back. You're looking a little pink my friend.” It's my turn to wink playfully as I purposely slap Blubber on the back.
“Oww, mother fudge!” he shouts in pain with a little hop.
I smirk in satisfaction. He was asking for it.
“I'm only pink, as you say, because you let me fall asleep at mid-day without sunscreen!”
Ah, good times.
The funniest part is that he was wearing shades that day. His entire face is red except for around his eyes.
“Aww, boohoo!” I fake cry as I pretend to wipe tears from my eyes. I turn to Jay for a high five but he leaves me hanging.
“Not cool, Aqueela. He's just a kid,” Jay reprimands me, opposing me.
“Well, it's not my fault he acts like a sixty-year-old pervert,” I mumble with a pout, folding my arms across my chest. “I've never been good with kids.”
“I figured,” Blubber says, a mischievous grin forming on his lips. “That's exactly how I came up with my revenge plan...an army of kids.”
“What?” I ask suspiciously, suddenly feeling very cornered. I turn to Jay for clarification. “What's he talking about?”
Blubber cuts Jay off from answering, “I'm sorry, Jay. With you, it's nothing personal. You're just collateral damage.”
Blubber doesn't waste another second before whistling loudly. It's literally a few seconds before I hear screaming, and then, in a flash, there are about a billion kids surrounding Jay's house.
I narrow my eyes at Jay. “Why the hell did you invite Satan into my house?!”
I shout at him, blaming him for this. He's the one that let Blubber in, not me.
“It's my house, not yours,” Jay reminds me, not concerned about the army of kids. He's more concerned about the fact that I'm taking over his house.
“Attack!” Blubber suddenly shouts, stepping aside to let the kids inside.
I make a move to sprint upstairs and lock myself in Jay's room, but Jay has other plans. “No way!” he snaps. “Those little germ-infested, mothballs are not trashing my house. They want you, fine, they can have you!”
Before I know it, I've been shoved outside the house into the kid army with Blubber, the chief commander of them.
I run back to the front door only to find that Jay has locked himself in.
“Open up, Jay!” I shout, banging my fists on his door. “You never leave a man behind! Don't break protocol! You've come this far.”
“It's nothing personal, Aqueela, but my house has been trashed by enough people as is!” he shouts back from within the safety of his house.
“I see how it is!” I shoot back, aware that he's a neat freak. He literally won't be able to handle a bunch of kids running around his house and dirtying it. He'll have a fit. “You good-for-nothing traitor!”
When I don't get a reply, I hesitantly turn back to face the little monsters. They're all watching me with vicious eyes, waiting for Blubber's next command.
I'm vulnerable now. There's no escape from their slimy clutches.
“Back, demons, back!” I warn, shooing them away, failing to come off as threatening.
It's then that I notice that each child has a slingshot. They're aiming their weapons of mass destruction at my head, ready to fire at any given moment. My comment seems to offend them because the minions lift their weapons without any warning. I close my eyes, preparing for the sting of their jawbreakers.
Blubber lifts his hand to them. “Ceasefire.”
Immediately, they all lower their weapons, obeying him. I can't help but wonder how he became in control of such an elite army.
“I won't let them touch you if you promise to go out on one date with me,”
Blubber says, trying to persuade me into his evil will.
“I'd rather go down fighting!” I yell stubbornly, refusing his offer. “Suit yourself.” Blubber lifts his hand again.
As a result, the kids start charging toward me, all the while, screaming at the top of their lungs.
“Take her
to the torture camp!” Blubber commands in a fierce tone.
I don't get time to react or retaliate. The kids have lifted me up and are now carrying me as if I have just stage-dived into a crowd.
“Put me down, you rotten animals!” I shout, my numerous threats falling on deaf ears.
“Aqueela?” I hear a familiar voice over all the shouting.
I glance his way to see a bewildered Max. Yeah, I can imagine how this must look right now. I'm being carried away by eight-year-olds against my will to who-knows-where and they refuse to let me go.
Naturally, I decide to play it cool.
I give Max a subtle nod. “'Sup, Max.” I wave casually, pretending that being paraded around by kids is the norm. “Just a…just a chilling, hanging out with a few good buddies of mine.”
“What have you done this time, dweeb?” he asks with a frown, puzzled.
Why do people automatically assume that I did something?!
“She burnt me, literally and figuratively,” Blubber answers for me, being over-the-top like always.
I roll my eyes. “Just because I said no to a date and might have accidentally forgotten to wake you up while you were sleeping in the sun.”
“Why'd you sick little kids on her? You know...other than you being completely red all over? Dude, were you wearing sunglasses or something because your eyes are…” Max trails off when Blubber glowers at him.
I try to break free from their filthy clutches but to no avail. These little brats are stronger than they look.
“Because she won't compromise,” Blubber explains, answering Max's first question as Max tries to negotiate a way out for me.
“Save me, Max!” I shout in desperation as I'm taken further away from him, much to my own terror. “I think they're planning on eating me!”
Max probably has half the mind to leave me behind, considering I ditched him twice when he needed saving.
“Well, she has to compromise then,” Max tells Blubber, ignoring my pleas.
Whose side is he on?
“I need her right now for something as equally important so could you please call off your attack dogs?” Max asks politely. That's rare. This must be serious. Max hasn't needed me since MMAs.
On any normal occasion, I would flat out refuse to help Max because we have a love-hate thing going on, but today I'll do absolutely anything for him, so long as he doesn't let these Teletubbies feed on me.
“I like you, MaxMan, so I'll be on point here and make this simple for you,” Blubber states, ready to strike another deal.
MaxMan? Cool Guy Jay? What planet did this kid get kicked off from?
“Aqueela is hot, yes?” Blubber poses his statement as a question to Max, waiting for Max to agree.
Max shrugs. “Meh,” he answers casually.
Meh?! Did he really just 'meh' me?
“To some extent I suppose,” Max explains himself, “But her psychotic personality is a turn off. Then again, I practically dated her. I was also her first kiss and crush and all that jazz, so I guess we have some kind of special connection in a real messed up way.”
Yeah, Max is a dead man when I get free, if I get free.
“But to be realistic, yeah, Aqueela is alright. You got to be a whole lot crazy to take all of her on. I leave that to Jay and thoroughly respect him for taking up such a mental case,” Max concludes.
Even deader man!
“Personally, I find her insanity and crazy character exotic,” Blubber gives his opinion on the matter, signaling for the kiddies to stop walking away with me.
“Exotic?” Max asks in shock. “You're like eight years old.”
Blubber scowls at him, crossing his stubby arms across his round belly.
“Well, that's just insulting. I'm thirteen and a quarter.” Max chuckles. “Not helping your case.”
“The point is—” Blubber glares at him before clarifying his motives,
“— Aqueela will not be set free until she agrees to one date with me and it has to be on my terms.”
“Don't do it, Max!” I hiss. There's no way I'm going out with Blubber. I've had enough bad dates as it is. I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a blunt object than go with Blubber anywhere. “Just punch him! Knock him out! KO! KO! KO!” I chant repeatedly.
Max turns to me with an incredulous expression. “Not cool, Aqueela. He's just a kid.”
Gosh! People with moral compasses…they suck the fun out of everything.
“I swear, Max, you better not make me do anything I don't want to or it's on you, and by that, I mean that I will be on you, killing you that is!” I warn, already aware that he isn't going to listen to a thing I'm saying.
He doesn't seem very fazed. Are my threats that empty these days? I'm losing my touch.
“She'll do it. She'll go a date with you,” Max agrees as the kids begin to run up and down the street with me.
This is worse than a roller coaster. I feel so dizzy. I think I'm going to puke. Is this their goal? Judging by their beady little eyes and taunting smirks, I wouldn't be surprised.
“Great, I'll see her sometime this week then,” Blubber says all too happily before signaling to his cronies yet again.
Suddenly, I'm being dropped in the middle of the street on my back.
“Ouch!” I whine. “I think I just broke my spine!”
I quickly jump to my feet, not wanting to express weakness in front of the evil munchkins. They'll sniff it out. “That's right. You better run you little spineless devils who have now made me spineless!” I shout, suddenly braver than I was a second ago.
“Aqueela, watch out!” Max shouts to me just as I hear a car honk.
On instinct, I fall back down onto my back. The vehicle slams on brakes just over me. I find myself staring at the underneath of a car.
“Get out of the street, Aqueela!” Max shouts again, but I'm too scared to move at this point. If I move out from underneath the car, I might get hit by a bus or a truck or a jet or something.
Someone jumps out of the car before kneeling down to see who they almost rode over and killed. His gray eyes are alarmed at first, however, as soon as his eyes meet mine, they glow in fury. “You. Are. A. Psychopath,” I hear him say through gritted teeth as if very, very, very infuriated.
I bat my eyelashes innocently as I offer him a sheepish wave like I'd done with Max. I'm playing it cool. “'Sup, Grey. It's been a while. We have got to stop meeting like this.” I grin cheekily.
He scoffs, in turn.
“By the way, the underneath of your car is fantastic. Did you get it serviced? It's all shiny. Liking the new rims, homeslice. How you like dem apples? This thing needs an upgrade. You got that new nos yet? It's sick man! Off-the-chains, yo, dawg!” I mock teasingly.
“Do you have a death wish now too?” he asks sarcastically, blatantly ignoring my warm greeting.
“Well, with your attitude I might,” I retort cockily.
“And for the billionth time, I don't even talk like that. Just because I race cars doesn't mean I'm a gangster. Listen to me for once and drop the 'nos', the 'yos', the 'off-the-chains', the 'homeslice' and the damn 'dawg'!” he scolds me.
“What? No hello? Is this how you treat all your fake fiancés?” I ask innocently, pushing for a reaction.
“I should have just run you over while I had the chance,” I hear him mutter as he offers me his hand, pulling me out from underneath his car. I stand up and dust myself off, thanking him for being semi-polite for once.
Almost immediately, I'm embraced tightly from behind and lifted off of the ground. “I honestly thought you were going to die back there!” Max splutters in pure relief as he spins me around, my back still sore.
“Is that why we're celebrating?” Grey asks jokingly.
He says that now, but just watch, he'll be crying the most at my funeral. We have a unique bond.
I shove Max away, still mad at him. “Oh, no! You're not getting off that easy.” I point an accusing finger at his face. “I'm
gonna get even.”
“I saved you!” Max whines, now worried.
“But you also sold me out!” I complain just as Grey spots all the kids running around like maniacs.
Jay's neighbors are gonna ask him to move soon…
“Where's JT?” Grey asks, interrupting us.
I point to Jay's front door. “Have you tried his house? He's usually in there,” I answer in sarcasm. “Like most people who own houses that aren't vacant. But good luck getting in,” I warn, “he's being particularly melodramatic and moody today.”
Grey doesn't waste another second with us. I hear him mutter under his breath, “Can't possibly imagine why.”
“I heard that!” I call after him only to receive the bird in return as he keeps on walking, not bothering to face me.
Rude son of a gun!
“Dress sexy, babe,” Blubber salutes me with a suggestive wink before he and his stupid little gang of minions vanish around the street corner to go and prey on more innocent teens.
“Max!” I shout, hitting him upside the head, only to get no reaction from him. “This is all on you!”
Max ignores my complaints and grabs ahold of my upper arm, draggin me after him. “Right now, you've got more important things to tend to.”
Please, I never do anything remotely important.
***
“Are you stupid, Max?!” I whisper-shout. “I'm not doing this. You can't make me. I refuse,” I hiss, placing my hands on my hips as I defy him, adamantly standing my ground.
“Please,” he begs, willing me to understand. “I'm trying to help here.”
“Max, she hates me. She doesn't want to see me anymore. She said so herself,” I say as we both stare at Bells from a distance. She is waiting for Max in the ice cream shop. Little does she know that she's actually waiting for me.
“You guys have been fighting enough. I'm sick of it. If you two won't talk it out, then I'll make you both talk it out,” he says threateningly before shoving me through the glass doors and right into the ice cream shop.
Immediately, I begin to panic and look for an escape, but it's too late, she's looking straight at me. Of course, I turn to flee, only to find Max bolting the doors closed from outside.