by CJ Adler
I lunge forward and hug him back.
“I never told you because I didn't want to see you look at me in the way you were just looking at me. I kept it from you because I didn't want to see you hurt,” he admits to the truth.
I should have never doubted him. He always has my best interests at heart. I want to stay and accept what he's saying but I can't, not now, not like this. There are too many emotions bubbling within me and right now I have no control.
“I can't deal with all of this right now.”
“If anyone understands the need for space, it's me. Take your time, Aqueela, just don't do anything stupid.”
***
“Remind me why I'm here again,” Grey says from beside me as he stares out at the streets that he and Jay race on.
“You're going to teach me to race. I want to feel the rush,” I answer, reminding him of what I'd asked earlier over the phone. To be completely honest, I wasn't expecting him to show up.
“You know, Aqueela, I really don't like you. I've made that explicitly clear on numerous occasions. What makes you think that I'm going to help you sabotage the one thing I love most in this world?” he asks, frowning.
I shrug. “You showed up. That's enough for me.”
He sighs before gesturing to his black GT. “Like I'm letting you, of all people, touch that.” He drops the scowl. “Listen, Lawson, I know why you're really here.”
I raise an eyebrow. “How could you possibly—”
“Your father.”
I stop talking, stunned. He's certainly got my attention. He moves back and sits on the hood of his car. “Racing won't take away your problems. It can't be your scapegoat. It will be nothing but a distraction. In the end, you'll still be left hurting.”
“Speaking from experience?” I question.
“So what if I am?” he challenges, making me stop short. “Did JT ever tell you how we met?”
I shake my head in response.
“Figures. He will take a secret to the grave if he has to,” he informs me. “It isn't the best of stories. I helped him first and then later he helped me. I'm not going into details here, especially not with someone I despise, but a couple years back, I went through something similar to what you're going through.”
“How do you know about this? I trusted Jay to keep this confidential,” I say, feeling defensive seeing as Jay had betrayed my trust yet again by telling Grey something personal.
“And he did, but it's difficult to trace someone down without friends who have contacts, wouldn't you agree?” he asks me rather harshly as if I'm stupid.
Realization strikes, my eyes widening as it occurs to me. “You helped Jay find him?” I state more than ask. On impulse, I say the first thing that I'm thinking, “Thank you.”
He arches an eyebrow, taken aback. “Don't thank me,” he says, quickly recovering. “I'm the one who told JT to stop looking,” he explains. “But he was adamant in finding your father for you. I wanted to discourage him from this wild goose chase. I knew this would happen eventually. The same thing happened with me. I was right. JT should've stopped looking when he had the chance.”
“Why would you say that?” I query, confused as to what it is that he's trying to imply.
“Isn't it obvious? Look at you, you're a mess. Finding your father did nothing but put you in a worse off position,” he points out. “You want to know what's the worst part of this whole scenario, Lawson?”
“What?” I play into his question.
His dark eyes narrow in on me and for once I actually feel intimidated by him. “It's just the beginning.”
I pull a face at him. “You're speaking in riddles.”
“Now that you know where he is, you'll never be done with him until you actually talk to him face-to-face. You'll keep searching for him and you'll follow him to the grave if you have to. You will only stop once you get to see him, until he gives an explanation for leaving you, but he never will.”
How would he know?
“The temptation of seeing him has now been awoken and it's all because JT didn't stop when I told him to. JT's going to end up losing you because of all of this. I can see that perfectly now,” he concludes in conviction, his tone and words unnerving me to the bone.
He's starting to tick me off.
“No, he won't. I would never leave Jay,” I reply firmly.
“You say that now but there will come a day when desperation overtakes logic. Your dad is your own blood and we all know how far each and every one of us will go for family. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, hell, it might not be any time soon, but one day you'll go after your father at all costs. I did. In the end, sacrifices are made. In the end, people like us, we lose. Don't make Jay end up being another sacrifice, he's been one too many times.”
“I won't leave Jay, you idiot,” I say, annoyed with his bizarre theories and assumptions. “See, Grey, you and I are different. Maybe you were willing to leave everyone you care about at some point in time, but I'm not. I will stay with Jay, always. For all I care, my father can go to hell,” I hiss, bitter inside.
Grey sure knows how to get a reaction out of me. He riles me up. I shouldn't even care but I do.
“Even now while you're saying that, you're thinking of where your father is, what he's doing and why he hasn't given you a second thought in the last couple years when you needed him most,” he speaks up again, hitting the nail on the head. “Don't bother hiding it, I know I'm right. I've been exactly where you are. Wake up, Aqueela, the man doesn’t want to know you. Accept it, get over it and move on.”
“Easier said than done, Grey!” I scoff irritably, aware that he's figured me out. I care about Jay and everyone else but I also want to see my father. I need to see him, even if it's just once.
If I could move on, I would.
For a second, I see something in his eyes, something soft and so 'un-Grey' like, but it vanishes when he realizes that I'm seeing through him, through his cocky front.
“You were hurt too, weren't you?” I whisper, only seeing it now.
“I was hurt more when I found the person I was looking for, that being my own father. To see someone you care about look you in the eye like you're a stranger, to have him denounce you as his son because of one mistake you keep trying to undo…” He falters. “It's a road you can't come back from.”
“I didn't know. I'm sorry,” I say softly, feeling for him for once, knowing that my words hold no comfort but making the attempt nonetheless.
“There comes a time in life when you need to stop holding on and just let go. Lawson, you need to give up on your father. All he'll do, if you do find him, is break you more. Wake up before you lose JT and everyone else like I did by going after someone who will never care. Learn from my mistake and just give it a rest. Close the book before you open it and reach a point where you can't stop reading, where you can't put the book down,” he adds fiercely, speaking strongly from his point of view on the matter.
It makes me question what the hell happened to him, but clearly, he isn’t willing to divulge. Just this once, I'll let it slide and respect his wishes.
“You might find your father, Aqueela, but you'll never find your dad. You're looking for someone who just doesn’t exist, not anymore.” He jumps off the hood of his car and takes a step closer to me. “So for once, just this once, take me up on my advice and forget about your father for good. Stop looking for him, stop wondering about him, because in the end...it will cost you. Nothing ever comes without a price. You don't need him and you never will. Make peace about that now.”
I sigh, looking anywhere but at him.
“Oh, and Lawson?” he calls to me in hesitance as he makes a move to get in his car and leave.
“Mhmm?” I mumble, still in deep thought.
“Call me sometime when you're really up to race.”
***
I sit against the tombstone, resting my head in my hands as I reminisce back to the days when sh
e was alive. I miss her. I miss her so much. I try to think of her as little as possible, but would she really have wanted that? To be forgotten?
I'm so lost in my thoughts that I barely notice him appearing and taking a seat beside me.
“Hey,” he greets softly.
“Hi,” I reply weakly, lifting my face from my hands to see him. “How'd you know I'd be here?”
“I asked Bella,” he explains, not pressing me for any details.
Bell is the only one who knows how often I really come here. It's my place when I hit a low.
“Bell say anything?” I ask, staring up at the gray sky above; it's bound to rain soon.
“Don't worry, she didn't spill anything I don't already know,” he assures me.
“She's worried though, as am I,” he admits, revealing his concern, something he rarely does.
I nod, sucking in a deep breath before facing him, my eyes meeting his. “It hurts, Jay,” I confess, my world having been split down the middle yet again. I've faced this too many times in my life to count.
He wraps an around my shoulders before drawing me close to his side in a selfless act to comfort me. “I'm sorry, Aqueela. I'm sorry that he doesn't see the value in you. It's his loss, not yours.”
I rest my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat, feeling more at ease with him here.
“I'm sorry. This is my fault.” He breathes out quietly, sounding remorseful, guilty even.
I don't want him to feel like it's all on him because it isn't. He was only doing what I asked. He did this as a favor to me because he cares.
“It's not your fault, it's his.”
“Yet you still want to talk to him, don't you?” he asks as if worried and concerned that I will just up and leave at any given moment. He's hesitant and that seems to put me on edge.
“I do,” I admit truthfully. “But I think I'm going to close that chapter of the book for now and skip ahead to the good parts.” I grin up at him in warmth, grateful for his presence, grateful for him as a person. I must have a guardian angel or something because I definitely don't deserve Jay.
“You sure?”
His caring side is overwhelming. It makes me think back to earlier on. I blush a little at the thought, tracing a finger over my lips. Jay sees and awkwardly clears his throat, averting his eyes from mine, neither of us bringing it up.
“One hundred percent,” I finally answer without any doubt.
My answer brings a small smile to his face. “So, where to from here, Aqueela Lawson?” he asks, playfully nudging me in my side, changing the subject.
I shrug restlessly. “You lead, I'll follow.”
Chapter 35
Game Changer
He's in the way, again.
“Move,” I demand as I step past Jay in order to get a glass out the cupboard, not bothering to make any kind of eye contact with him.
Saying nothing, he does what I ask and brushes past me, accidentally touching me in the process. I can practically feel him staring down at me in amusement. I summon the courage to meet his gaze, finally looking up at him to see what he's playing at. He turns away from me, a playful smirk curving the corner of his lips.
I shake my head at his back before taking the glass out of the cupboard. I place the glass down and open the fridge, looking for water, only to find the water jug empty.
Oog!
He always puts the empty water jug back in the fridge. It drives me crazy!
I sigh, turning back around, only to find Jay extremely close to me. He doesn't seem to notice as he reaches over me to get something out of the fridge himself. I cough to get his attention. He stops short when he realizes that he's leaning directly over me. I stiffen when is blue eyes flicker from the fridge down to me. He hesitates as I stare back at up at him. Distracted, he blinks, pausing in his actions before his arm drops back limply to his side.
Realizing what he's thinking about has my stomach doing flips. His eyes meet mine again as he searches my face as if asking for permission. I don't say anything. He takes my lack of response as encouragement as he dips his head.
“I don't know what the hell is going on here between you two but I think I can guess.”
Jay springs back.
“You two have been more awkward around each other than usual. These long, wistful stares are really annoying. I can only assume something happened. This room is filled with tension. Even I can feel it.” He crosses his arms over his broad chest, a devious grin on his face and a mischievous glint to his gray eyes.
Grey knows. Grey knows everything.
“So, JT,” he starts teasingly, ignoring my pleading look, “is Lawson, over here, a good kisser?”
I glance Jay's way. He's scowling at Grey, looking embarrassed himself. He
sees me watching and averts his eyes, refusing to look at me. I grin when he scratches the back of his neck, shifting in his spot as if anxious. I can't help but study him. He's cute when he's like this.
“So, I take it that I'm right, you two made out and shared an intimate moment and feelings and blah, blah, blah.” Grey scoffs, unbelieving, as he shakes his head at us. “Fantastic!” he retorts in sarcasm when neither of us answer him. “This is going to bring so many complications to your twisted friendship,” he says, staring directly at me as if it's solely my fault.
It takes two to tango.
Grey turns back to Jay and inspects him like I'd just been doing. He immediately turns back to me and points an accusing finger at me. “Great! You broke him. I've never seen him take interest in a girl before and now he's hung up on you, of all people, like some love-struck idiot.”
Jay sighs and glares at Grey, giving nothing away.
Grey shakes his head again, narrowing his eyes at me. “You better fix this, Lawson. You better fix him. He doesn't come with an instruction manual. He's got championships coming up and you're not going to distract him from winning. You hear me? Fix it.”
He leaves the kitchen before I can reply.
I look up to find Jay staring at me. I squirm under his piercing gaze of blue. It's these looks he keeps giving me that leaves me breathless.
He sees that I've caught him staring and averts his eyes to the floor. I hold back a smile.
He clears his throat. “Aqueela, I, uh, I-I…” he stammers. “We should, you and I, uh…” He falters mid-sentence before just giving up completely. “I'm not doing this,” he finally concludes before he leaves as well.
I blow out a breath of relief.
***
“Max, do we really have to do this? I'm so tired,” I pant after Max, falling behind him as he jogs ahead of me. “Slow down, Usain Bolt!” I say, trying to push myself further but it feels as if my lungs are on fire. I've been running for way too long. I'm sure Max is trying to kill me.
Let me backtrack a little…
I needed to speak to a friend about what happened between Jay and I. I needed a male perspective on things, thus, I phoned Max. He was initially reluctant when I told him I need some one-on-one time. Only when I explained the issue, did he agree, saying that he'll only talk to me if I run with him.
On my part, it's a big sacrifice. I got up at 6 a.m. for him.
“You agreed to this,” he reminds me. “Plus, why couldn’t you ask some other guy friend of yours? Why me?” he questions as he stops running, allowing me to catch up with him.
“Grey hates me. Troy's gone. Jay is the issue. Blubber is…eew. Gland scares me. Oog barely understands me. Jam and Simo like me too much. Boss Man is too childish. Benley, well, he's Benley, there's not much more to it. Dylan and I aren't friends anymore. That leaves you, Maxi, my darling,” I explain before keeling over, my hands on my knees, in order to regain my breath.
“You are so unfit. We just started. I can literally see Jay's house from here.” I'm so tired, I can't bring myself to care how lazy I am. “Oh, shut up, speedy fitness pants,” I whine, sitting down on the curb. “I don't do running. Running outdoes me.”
“Clearly!” He bellows with a laugh, taking a seat beside me. “I can't believe I ever thought you were fit enough for MMAs. You would have lost by a long shot.”
“You're supposed to be my friend, Max,” I remind him seeing as I'm sure he's forgetting.
“Okay, okay,” he holds his hands up in surrender, chuckling aloud.
I smile. I admire Max. He's always laughing. He's always in good spirits.
“What's bothering you, dweeb? What did my boy, Jay, do this time?” he asks, sensing my frustration.
“He kissed me.” I come straight out with it.
His eyes widen in disbelief before he fist pumps the air. “It's about time!” He enthuses, clearly elated. “Why are you not cheering with me? Shouldn't you be happy?” he questions when noticing that he's the only one celebrating.
“No, because now he's gone back to avoiding me like in the beginning and it's making things awkward between us,” I explain, opening up about the issue.
“That guy is so stubborn,” he comments with a shake of his head. “Just let him be, Aqueela. He'll come to his senses eventually. In the meantime, stop waiting on him. Focus on school. Jay just needs some space and you need to give it to him.”
“So, how are things with you and my best friend?” I change the subject.
“Don't you mean, how are things with Bells and your best friend?” he jokes, twisting my words.
“Don't flatter yourself, Max.” I nudge him playfully, enjoying his company.
He laughs aloud before answering me, “Good, actually. She apologized for the whole Xavier scenario. I want to ask her out tomorrow in a creative way but I lack originality, which is why I'm really here. I need your help. I need you to put that crazy mind of yours to use.”
I grin deviously. “I suppose I can pull a few strings.”
***