Epic Tales from Adventure Time

by T. T. MacDangereuse

Gumball tottered after her, and too late she realized how stiff his legs still were. He slammed into her, tripping them both up. They tumbled out onto the deck. Cake spun out of Fionna’s grip and landed on her feet. She turned toward the door.

  “Hah, you stupid Vampire!” she shouted. “Come and get us now, while we’re out in the sun! Yeah, I didn’t think so!”

  “Cake, knock it off!” Fionna pushed herself to her feet. She grabbed Gumball’s arm, dragging him up beside her. “Help me with him, and let’s just get out of here.”

  “You really think it’s going to be that easy?” The deep, gravelly voice sent chills up Fionna’s spine. She glanced back into the cabin. Marshall stood in a patch of deep shade just a few feet from the doorway. His eyes glowed red out of a face that had changed in some strange, incomprehensible way. His nose looked flatter, his mouth wider. His breath wheezed in and out of his lungs. The places on his face, neck, and arms where the sun had touched him were red and covered with weeping blisters. A pair of black bat wings rose from his shoulder blades and arched over his head as his eyes sank into their sockets. “I was willing to cut you some slack because it impressed me that you managed to get back here, but you’ve really angered me.” He took a step forward and as he moved his back hunched, pushing his head forward on his neck. His nails grew into long black claws. “I think maybe I’m going to turn you into a ghoul.” He waved his hand. Magical energy rushed toward her. Fionna cried out and lifted her arms.

  The energy washed over and around her, but didn’t harm her. Sparks skated harmlessly across her skin. Astonished, she lifted her head. Marshall looked equally shocked.

  The plant sap! It was still protecting her!

  Fionna leaped at Marshall and punched him square in his squat, batlike nose. He grabbed his face and reeled away from her.

  “Hey! Ow! Okay, truce, truce!” Marshall glared at her as he clamped his hands around his nose. “Great, I’m bleeding. That really skrogged my snot-cellar. You want to hand me that red book over there?”

  Fionna glanced at the book, which was lying on a small table a few feet to her right. She glanced back at Marshall. His wings and claws had disappeared. He stood with his eyes squinched shut, head tilted back, pinching the bridge of his nose. Setting her jaw, Fionna marched past him, yanked her sword out of the wall, then grabbed the book and handed it to him.

  “Fionna, what are you doing?” Cake gasped. “He was just about to eat us or make us into ghouls or whatever and you’re helping him?” She slapped a hand across her forehead.

  “Well, come on, it’s not like he’s going to do anything now,” Fionna said.

  Cake scowled and her arm stretched out and wrapped around Fionna’s waist. “Hey! My powers are back!” Grinning, she yanked Fionna out onto the deck.

  “Yeah, I figured those would be showing up again soon.” Marshall heaved a sigh. “I spiked your food with some medicine that takes a person’s magic away for a day or so. I was planning on putting more in your breakfast.” He stuck the book into his mouth. The red covers drained to white. “Oh well. It’s too bad, you’re a really great pillow. First time in forever I woke up without a crick in my neck.” He let go of his nose, sniffed hard, and wiped his hand on his pants.

  “If you’ve got your powers back, let’s cut our losses here already,” Gumball said. “I’ve had it with this ship. Just turn into a really big balloon or something and fly us back to port.”

  Cake’s tail poufed with anger. “I told you, I can’t carry the both of you at the same time. And anyway, what about all the people the Ice Queen kidnapped? What about my sweet baby, Lord Monochromicorn? They’re all depending on us. If we could go flying off somewhere, it’d be after them.”

  “Yeah,” Fionna said.

  “Sounds like maybe you guys could use a little help,” Marshall interjected.

  Fionna raised an eyebrow. “Help. From you. Why would you do that?”

  Marshall stuck his hands into his pockets and floated into a reclined position. “This is pretty much the most fun I’ve had in about three hundred years or so. Being immortal is flipping boring 98 percent of the time. I’d love to keep this excitement going. And besides, the Ice Queen and I had a thing about eight hundred years ago. Long story short, we were roomies, she ate a bunch of my food and never paid me back, I’d really like to settle that hash with her, and I’m willing to help you dweebs to do it.”

  “What about your crew?” Fionna asked. “Will they go along with that?”

  “Oh, you don’t have to worry about them.” Marshall waved his hand. “They’re not real. Just a bunch of illusions. I told you, immortality is boring. So how about it? You gonna let me help you or what?”

  Fionna, Gumball, and Cake exchanged glances.

  “Mathematical?” Fionna said.

  Chapter 12

  “The Ice Queen is right up ahead.” Marshall ducked down in the crow’s nest and handed Fionna his spyglass. He reached up under the wide brim of his straw sun-hat and scratched at his forehead. “She’s just sitting there.”

  Fionna brought the glass up to her eye and adjusted the focus. The sun was almost directly overhead, and there was a fine haze of cloud, just enough to cut down the glare off the water. The queen’s ship filled her field of vision. Fionna trained the spyglass along the ship—the prisoners were still in their pen on the main deck—and the Ice Queen sat on a beach chair at the bow of the ship. Her head was tilted back, and Fionna thought she might be asleep.

  “I don’t get it,” Cake muttered from her perch on top of Fionna’s head.

  Fionna scowled and lowered the glass. “She’s waiting for us. She doesn’t just want to beat us, she wants us to see her beat us.”

  Cake snorted. “That is one messed-up mind, there.”

  Marshall scratched his face again. Most of his sun blisters had faded, but his skin was still flushed and peeling.

  “Er, sorry about your face and stuff,” Fionna said. “That whole trying to burn you alive thing.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” Marshall grinned. “It takes more than that to permanently muck up all this man-pretty. Besides, it’s only fair. I did set you adrift in a boat with no supplies. Sorry about that, by the way.”

  “This is all super cute,” Cake snapped. “But can you guys save the goo-goo eyes for later? What’s our plan?”

  “Marshall, you said we’re not far from the Island Guy, right?”

  Marshall nodded. “Maybe ten, twenty minutes tops, with clear sailing. Weather’s perfect today.”

  Fionna pursed her lips. “All right then. We’ll sneak up and cut right across her bow. Then we’ll come around hard and stay in front of her. We’ll block her.”

  Marshall nodded. “Sounds like a plan.”

  Cake grabbed Fionna, stepped over the side of the crow’s nest with a rapidly elongating leg, and carried them both down to the deck, while Marshall drifted down beside them.

  “Go help Gumball,” Fionna told Cake.

  “You be careful, Fionna,” Cake said. “I don’t want you getting all iced up.”

  Fionna smiled, doing her best to project a confidence she wasn’t sure she felt. “Don’t worry. I got this all under control.”

  Marshall waved his hands as Cake ran into the galley behind them. A huge gust of wind filled the sails. The ship leaped forward so suddenly Fionna staggered against the railing. She steadied herself, craning her neck to keep the queen’s ship squarely in her sights. They skimmed across the waves, closing on the queen’s ship. Fionna’s heartbeat pounded in her throat—the Ice Queen still hadn’t seen them. Maybe they’d be able to get the drop on her.

  “Oh my glob!” Lumpy Space Prince’s voice carried clearly across the water. “Fionna, is that you? Like, hurry up and lumping rescue us already!”

  Fionna groaned and smacked herself in the forehead as the Ice Queen leaped up from her beach
chair.

  “Well, that’s not helpful,” Marshall said.

  “There you are!” the Ice Queen shouted. She swooped into the air and hovered above Fionna and Marshall. “I knew you’d be along sooner or later. Where’s Gumball? And who’s your little friend?”

  Marshall tilted his head back, careful to keep the brim of his hat turned toward the sun. “Long time no see, Icey.”

  “Ugh! Marshall Lee. You were the worst roommate ever! Always keeping track of every little thing! Who cares who ate the last ice-cream sandwich?” She glared at Fionna. “I’m so not surprised you’re hanging out with someone like him. Now quit wasting my time. Where’s Gumball? Hand him over and maybe I won’t turn you into a blond Popsicle.”

  “So not gonna happen.” Fionna drew her sword and leveled the blade at the Ice Queen. “This race isn’t over yet.”

  “Oh whatever.” Laughing, the Ice Queen sprayed the water around the Marshall Lee with her magic, freezing it instantly into a solid, glittering sheet of ice. The ship shuddered to a stop, its timbers groaning.

  “You are such a big stinking cheat!” Fionna shouted. “That’s it—the gloves are coming off right freakin’ now! Cake, Gumball, Plan B!”

  Gumball and Cake ran out of the galley, carrying a giant, four-tiered, red-and-white cake decorated with tiny hearts.

  “Gumball!” The queen looked delighted.

  “Lock and load,” Cake said. She hugged the enormous pastry to her chest while Fionna and Marshall each grabbed one of her legs and braced themselves against the railing. Before the queen had a chance to react, Gumball gripped Cake’s shoulders and pulled back, turning her body into a giant slingshot.

  “Fire!” Fionna said.

  With a grunt, Gumball let go, and Cake’s body snapped forward. “Eat cake!” she shouted, opening her arms. The pastry flew through the air and struck the Ice Queen, exploding across her face and upper body. The Ice Queen squawked as the force of the blow slammed her into the thick ice. A chorus of cheers rose from the queen’s vessel, with a fierce “neigh” nearly drowning out the other voices.

  “We’re coming, baby!” Cake shouted. “Just hang on!”

  “Ahhh!” the Ice Queen screamed. “It burns!”

  Gumball beamed. “That’s because it’s filled with triple-strength dragon-fart chilis.”

  “Four hundred thousand on the Marshall Lee scale of mouth-searingly screaming hotness,” Marshall said. “I believe in the virtues of a well-stocked larder.”

  Groaning, the Ice Queen blasted her face clean with slush and blinked up at Fionna out of enraged, bloodshot eyes. “Not fair!” she yelled. “We never agreed to chemical warfare.”

  Fionna sneered down at her. “You should have thought of that before you started cheating.” She waved her sword. “Rapid fire!”

  Gumball ran back into the galley and returned carrying a basket full of purple cupcakes. Cake windmilled her arms as Gumball and Fionna dropped cupcakes into her hands. The tiny projectiles battered the queen, spattering her dress with their cream-filled guts as she raised her arms in a futile attempt to block them.

  Fionna leaped onto the railing, grabbed a nearby rope, and slashed it with her sword. “Cover me!” she said. As a fusillade of cupcakes whizzed through the air around her, she swung down onto the ice, rolled, and hopped to her feet with her sword in a guard position across her torso.

  The Ice Queen wiped frosting out of her hair and glared at Fionna. “I’m going to smash you into next week, you putrid blond parsnip.”

  Magic crackled through the air. A jagged ice wall erupted behind Fionna, cutting her off from the ship. She tightened her grip on her sword. “Let’s do this.”

  The Ice Queen’s arm shot out and she hurled an ice ball the size of her head at Fionna. Fionna gasped and moved her weapon to block it. A single clear, pure tone rang through the air when the ice struck the blade, the vibration numbing Fionna’s hands. She darted to the side, her feet sliding across the ice. She jammed her sword into the ice and, using it as an anchor, let her momentum swing her around behind the Ice Queen. Before she could take advantage of her position, a waist-high sheet of ice surged between them. The Ice Queen flailed and struggled to turn around, her legs tangling in her heavy skirts. “Quit moving around so much!” she snapped.

  Fionna sprang onto the top of the wall, feinted left, and kicked at the queen’s head, aiming for her crown. The queen ducked to the side, staying just out of reach. With a snarl, she encased Fionna’s feet in a thick layer of ice, freezing them to the wall. “I said stay put!”

  “You’re gonna have to do better than that,” Fionna said. She flipped back off the wall and her feet popped out of her boots, which she’d borrowed from Marshall, and were a size too big. She ducked down behind the wall just as a curtain of sleet ripped through the air where she’d been standing. She scrambled around the wall, heading for her sword. She skated toward her weapon, her feet struggling for purchase on the slick ice.

  “Not so fast!” An ice floe slipped past her and enveloped her sword. Fionna backpedaled furiously, but her feet shot out from under her and she skidded into it. Panting, she flopped onto her stomach and pushed herself up onto her hands and knees.

  “Any last words?” The Ice Queen loomed over her. She raised her hands, her eyes sparkling. “I’d say I’m sorry things turned out this way but . . . I’m not.” Almost languidly, she waved her hands.

  Nothing happened.

  The Ice Queen gasped and fell back a pace, and as she did so, her crown slipped off her head and hung in the air. The queen’s jaw dropped.

  “No!” she shouted, slapping her hands down on the top of her head. “My crown!”

  The crown whisked away from her, stopping just above Fionna.

  “Good job, Marshall,” she said.

  “No problem.” Grinning, Marshall materialized beside Fionna and held out the crown. Fionna took it, surprised at its weight. The gold was warm, not cold as she’d expected.

  “Augh! You’re the worst!” The queen sobbed in frustration.

  Fionna smirked. “That’ll learn you about your creepy-weirdo man stalking.”

  “You guys okay down there?” Gumball called down from the ship.

  Fionna waved the crown above her head, its apple-red gems gleaming. “We’re fine.” She smiled at Marshall. “We’ve got this all under control.”

  Chapter 13

  The scent of freshly baked banana bread wafted across the Island Guy as Fionna sighed and lay back on the warm sand. Cake had stretched herself as an awning over herself, Marshall, and Lord Monochromicorn, and all four watched as Gumball pulled steaming loaves from the portable stove they’d set up on the beach. The party guests frolicked in the surf, laughing and splashing one another. Even Lumpy Space Prince was having a good time, collecting shells.

  “How’s it going down there?” the Island Guy boomed.

  “It’s great, thanks!” Fionna said.

  “Augh!” Pacing the shoreline, the Ice Queen flung a handful of kelp back into the ocean. “It’s not here, either!”

  Fionna dug her toes into the sand and closed her eyes, listening to the Island Guy’s palm fronds rustle in the lazy tropical breezes. “Any chance of her finding that crown anytime soon?” she asked.

  Marshall adjusted his sunglasses and pillowed his head on his arms. “I wouldn’t worry about it. I hid it pretty well.”

  “Yeah? What’d you do with it?”

  “Buried it under my beach towel.”

  “Nice.”

  “We should kick that thing into the ocean and get rid of it for good,” Cake grumbled.

  “Aw, now Cake.” Fionna reached up and tickled Cake’s stomach. “Be nice. I’m sure she’ll find it eventually after we’re gone.”

  Whistling, Gumball marched up to them carrying three loaves of his bread on banana leaf trays. “H
ot and fresh and full of yum,” he said, plopping down beside them.

  “That smells great.” Fionna took a slice and sank her teeth into the warm bread.

  “I got one just for you, Marshall,” Gumball said, handing Marshall a loaf slathered with red frosting.

  “Mmmm, thanks,” Marshall said. He drained the color with a grin.

  Fionna finished her bread, licked her fingers, and scanned the beach. “You know, the sun’ll be down soon. You guys want to go swimming?”

  Gumball grinned. “I’m up for it. I have an intense interest in hydrology, and I’d love to check out the island’s water lens up close.”

  “Ooo!” Cake said. “Water-polo volley ball? Me and Lord Monochromicorn against the rest of you. And girl, I have to say, I’m impressed. You’ve totally gotten over your ocean phobia.”

  Fionna smiled. “I didn’t have much of a choice, did I?” she said. “Besides, there’s only so many times you can almost die in something before it just doesn’t scare you anymore.”

  GET MORE EPIC with Epic Tales from Adventure Time: The Untamed Scoundrel!

  Chapter 1

  Lady Gooddog sat glaring at her only son across the breakfast table. “What did you do to Lumpy Space Princess on your picnic yesterday?” she demanded, her voice echoing off the tall ceiling of the dining hall.

  “Nothing,” Sir Jacobus said with a shrug of his broad shoulders, his muscles rippling under his luxurious golden fur.

  “You had to have done something,” Lord Gooddog insisted as he helped himself to another large slice of apple breakfast pie.

  “I didn’t. I swear,” Sir Jacobus said, sounding a little defensive. “All I did was eat the sandwiches she made, and then drink the apple juice she’d squeezed, and then take a nap on the blanket that she quilted to celebrate the picnic. After that, Finn and I went to check out the barrel races, which were totally rad.” Mr. Finnish Biped, aka Finn, was Sir Jacobus’s Hu-manservant. He was known throughout the Kingdom of Plaid for his love of battle and his great loyalty to his lordship, and best friend, Sir Jacobus.