Gamer Girl in the Orc King's Harem

by Cat Wilder

  "My, my, aren't you a pretty little thing," she said upon my entrance. "I'm Hildie. How may I serve you, young elfmaid?"

  Half-gnome human. Hedge witch (Lvl 48).

  That explained the short stature and general chubbiness. The few gnomes I'd seen all had friendly faces, too, but they weren't known for their magic. Miss Hildie was in the back of her shop slaving over a hot potbelly stove, brewing a potion. She stopped and wiped her hands on the apron, while shuffling over to me.

  I liked her. She was a player, yet could ignore my displayed class and treated me like anyone else. Of course, I noticed her eyes lingering on the heavy purse hanging off my belt. I glanced at the list of spells for sale on the wall, and smiled at her.

  "I find myself in need of some spells, Miss Hildie," I said. "I've relied too much on magic items, which I lose when killed."

  "Oh, lordy, dropping items when killed is irritating," she said, nodding with a big smile. "I have a spell that might help with that."

  "You have a spell that binds items to me?"

  "Kinda sorta," she replied with a shrug. "The game doesn't like that, so fights my spell. But the spell will restrict the loss to one unbound item at most."

  She pulled a piece of paper out of a drawer. I noticed she was careful to only show the back of the paper to me, because as soon as I read the spell it was mine forever, whether I'd paid for it or not. Most shop owners weren't so careful.

  "You have to cast the spell on each item, whether magic or mundane, that you want to keep," she said. "I suggest you not enchant at least one item you're willing to lose, so it will be the lost item upon your tragic demise."

  How could I not buy that spell? After losing everything upon my last death, I didn't even haggle that much with the friendly hedge witch. As soon as I read the spell, the feeling of its magic flowed through me. Miss Hildie instructed me on how to cast the spell, and I quickly emptied my inventory and cast the spell on each magic and mundane item I owned. The witch advised that my healing potions might drop if I was killed, saving all of my magical items. I was okay with that, since they were consumables anyway.

  My eyes were drawn to another inventory related spell. "What is Flash Inventory?"

  Her face brightened. That's when I noticed the high price next to it. I could afford it, but wow. Two gold was a stiff price to swallow.

  "That is one of my best selling spells," she said, pulling a piece of paper from a different drawer. I noticed the spell written out was three times as long as the Bind Items spell, so a more difficult spell to create. That would explain some of the hefty price, but not all. "Basically, like with Bind Items, you cast this spell on everything you own and want to keep. Then when you are in battle, and some jerk sticks his sword in you, you activate the spell before you die. It inventories all of your items, magical and mundane, in a flash. Otherwise, even Bind Items won't save anything not saved inside your inventory."

  "Where have you been all my life, Miss Hildie?"

  Before I actually bought and paid for the Flash Inventory spell, I found two others I could afford and I expected would be of use robbing the king's treasury. One was Unlock, which unlocked anything with a mechanical lock. Miss Hildie did warn there were counter-spells, so it wouldn't work every time. I also picked out a Levitate spell. The witch promised it would lift me as high as one hundred feet, but only lasted one minute. It also used more mana the higher I went, so was not to be used casually.

  And that's when the haggling began. Miss Hildie might look like a friendly grandmother, but she was a tough haggler. I was still happy with the deal we agreed to, though my purse was close to empty. I decided to let Angus and Mardax pay for room and board that night.

  I even leveled up in Haggling. Leveling up in anything always gave me a little thrill.

  "Thank you, Miss Hildie. You are my new best friend," I said, making the elderly witch clap her hands in delight. "Don't be surprised if you see my face in the near future. A girl can never have too much magic."

  Chapter 9

  The common room was full. Bud did booming business at dinner time. Angus and Mardax didn't show up before he started serving, so I had to suck it up and pay for a room and board. Since Bud was a player trapped in the game, he knew how to cook real food. That night it was fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and gravy. It was all washed down with beer, which I had to pay for separately.

  "Bud!" I shouted when the half-orc passed by with two more plates. "Marry me. If you cook me fried chicken once a week, I'll love you long time."

  "Stand in line, sweetie," he said, winking. "That's the third proposal I've received tonight."

  "But I am the only girl asking, right?"

  That got a big laugh from the dinner crowd. I liked those people. They laughed at my jokes almost every time.

  I ate half a chicken, and filled my belly up the rest of the way with beer. Yeah, I was fat and happy when Angus finally strolled in. I looked the elf mage over appreciatively. He'd pulled his long blonde hair back in a ponytail, which wasn't a look I usually liked on a man. His tunic was black as night, as were his loose trousers. He was barefooted, which I guessed was to reduce noise. His only visible weapon was a short sword.

  "Heey, big, elven, and handsome," I purred. I wagged my eyes. "Looking for a good time?"

  He perked up. "We have a few hours to kill, so we could go upstairs and – "

  "Let me stop you there," I said, shaking my head. "I was joking. I just finished eating thirty-two and a half chickens, about a hundred potatoes, and gravy. I'm stuffed, and might be buzzing a little from the beer. I'm in no condition to exert myself."

  Angus sat next to me on the bench and pressed in close, putting his lips to my ear. "Buzzing? Don't you remember our plans for tonight?"

  "I'll be fine. Don't worry," I said. "I have a fast cyber-metabolism." I gave him a mischievous look. "If not, I'll let you kill me. That'll return me to default in nothing flat. Of course, you and Mardax might have to rescue me from a brothel."

  "A brothel?"

  I shrugged. "It's my respawn site. Don't ask."

  Mardax et'Dryl walked in the door at that time, stealing his attention. We waved him over, and even without asking Bud put plates and beers before them. Lucky bastards didn't have to pay, either. I watched the big, ugly half-orc a moment, wondering if he'd give me free food if I slept with him. He'd probably want me to sleep with him a lot, but it was really, really great fried chicken.

  "Stop undressing Bud with your eyes," Mardax said. "And start undressing me."

  "I've seen you naked," I said. I gave the closest patrons a wary look, and then lowered my voice. "I have a room. Y'all want to go upstairs and discuss our plans?"

  "I'd like to do something else upstairs," Mardax replied, looking at my chest. "Why are you wearing all those clothes?"

  "To keep oversexed morons like you from fantasizing about me," I said. "No fun stuff until after we successfully complete tonight's task."

  My new cohorts in crime chose to finish their meal first. Then we took our mugs upstairs to finalize our plans. Just as I'd hoped, Angus and Mardax had spent considerable time and effort into their plans. Their online thievery was how they earned a living so they took it seriously. Angus pulled a folder out of his inventory. Inside were hand-drawn diagrams of the castle's bailey and below ground interior. There was more than one fortified structure inside the walls, so the main keep didn't have a prison dungeon, but basements for storage. The lowermost level was the royal treasury.

  "What do the upper floors look like?" I asked.

  Mardax shrugged. "That's where the king, his nobles, and slaves live. We're not going up there. We just want as much treasure as we can carry out."

  They had burlap bags to carry the treasure out. Angus gave me four bags to store in my inventory. They told me to concentrate on jewels and jewelry, since they could fence them for a lot more than their weight in gold.

  "I can't carry more than one bag full of gold and jewelry," I said. "
Hell, do you have any idea how much a bag full of gold jewelry weighs?"

  "A lot," Mardax replied. "None of us can carry more than one at a time."

  I looked at them like they were crazy. "Then why take a dozen bags?"

  "I thought you'd never ask," Angus said. He looked so pleased with himself. "You know that spell I used to open a hole in the tavern?" I nodded. "I have a similar Portal spell that will link this room with the treasure room."

  My jaw dropped. I thought his hole in the wall spell was amazing, but he had a full-blown portal spell. I asked him to write the spell out for me, so I could read it and have it. The elf mage swore he couldn't remember the exact wording of the spell. I wasn't sure he was telling the truth, but I couldn't really remember any of the spells I bought and read, either. Supposedly, as I leveled up in Spellcasting I would be able to recall them better, so could share or sell spells.

  "Why all of the maps if you're going to just call up a portal to the treasure room," I asked.

  Angus cringed. "Did I give you that impression? Sorry. I'll set the portal's terminus here in this room, but the initium point won't be set until we break into the treasure room."

  "So we have to break into the castle the hard way?"

  "Yeah, but we have a plan," Mardax said. He pulled a long bundle out of his inventory. "Flying carpet."

  "Holy crap! That flying carpet is worth almost as much as what we'll get from the treasury," I said.

  "True, but we stole it," Angus said. I gawked at him. "Hey, you knew we were thieves."

  Giving the rolled up carpet a covetous look, "So, would you object if I asked for the carpet as part of my share?"

  "We use it a lot, but," Mardax said. He glanced at the bed, and then smiled at me. "But we can always discuss it afterwards."

  I laughed. "For a flying carpet, I'll discuss the hell out of you all night long." They both looked over my head and nodded, with big smiles. "Hey, stopping looking at that. I told you, I'm not that easy."

  We spent the evening discussing any and all rumors they'd heard about the castle and guards. All guards were orcs, and were rabid followers of their horde's warlord, Raax, the current Orc King. King Raax kept a large harem of captured queens, princesses, and also had what Mardax called an "elfmaid fetish." A lot of races, especially orcs, thought elves were all stuck up, superior-than-thou snobs, so thought that justified doing bad things to them.

  "I really should've played a human. My life would be so much easier."

  We even took a nap, but were up around two in the morning. I had to take their word on the time, since I no longer had a clock in my HUD. So while I visited the chamber pot, Angus drew an elaborate circular design on the wall.

  "Will the terminus point damage the wall?" I asked. "If it does, you're paying for it out of your share."

  "It will burn the chalk off, but won't damage the wall," he said. "I might have to dust off a little ash. Nothing more."

  We snuck out of the inn. Angus led the way up the street, with me following and Mardax bringing up the rear. He kept us in the night shadows. There was no moon that night, so it was especially dark. We stopped in a Y-intersection, just fifty feet from the plaza surrounding the castle.

  "Time to take flight," Mardax whispered, pulling the flying carpet out. He unrolled it at my feet. "You're in the middle, Carly."

  "My favorite spot," I said and winked.

  The flying carpet was about six feet by four feet. That sounds big, but it was crowded with the three of us. I held onto the elf mage's waist, and the drow held onto mine. Angus controlled the carpet, and it rose up about two feet with a silent command.

  "This is so cool," I whispered.

  The carpet started rising again. Angus got us just above the surrounding roofs, and then veered to the left. He flew nape of the earth, barely clearing the peaks of roof after roof. I might have cried out a time or two, believing we were going to crash and burn. He got awful close a few times. But he knew what he was doing, and brought us up on the darkest side of the castle.

  "They're about to change the guard," Mardax whispered to me. "They actually clear the walls for a few minutes and have some kind of changing ceremony before the new guards come up."

  "Orcs are weird, but downright insane when they try to act like civilized people," Angus said. He slanted a grin back at me. "I guess the humans they conquered never told them that fancy changing of the guard ceremonies were only done during the day, for entertainment."

  We waited a good fifteen minutes before the change of guards started. Just as they promised, the armed and armored orcs filed off the walls' catwalks. Angus didn't hesitate. We sped across and high above the plaza and into the bailey. I spotted the guards in many small formations below. They were focused on their ceremony, so we passed overhead unseen.

  Angus landed in the night shadow of the keep. I was the lookout, watching the orc guards and shaking in my boots with the excitement. Mardax rolled up the carpet and stowed it in his inventory, while the elf mage drew his arcane design on the wall. A hole appeared, and we stepped through and into the keep.

  The room we entered was darker than night. When the hole vanished I was plunged into Stygian darkness. My skin crawled and adrenalin flowed into my blood, hyping up all of my senses. I started shaking just because I couldn't stay perfectly still.

  "I haven't been this scared, or had this much fun, in… Ever," I whispered. "Do y'all need a permanent partner?"

  Angus called up a fireball in one hand, and we used that to light the room. It was a storage room filled with dusty wooden barrels. There were no markings on the barrels, so I had no way of knowing if they were filled with beer, wine, or whiskey. Back in Kali the orcs liked their alcohol distilled and highly potent.

  My elven friend led us out of that room and into a dark, narrow corridor. There was no light whatsoever, so Angus had to keep the fireball blazing. We moved as quickly and stealthily as possible, working our way to the circular stairwell in the southwest corner.

  "If we're attacked, just keep going down," Mardax said. "Don't stop to engage. Let them chase us."

  The treasury was three levels below ground. Each level was about twenty feet from floor to ceiling. There was torchlight coming through the door into the first level down, but we didn't stop to check it out. Maybe we should have, because heavily armored orcs flooded into the stairwell shortly after we passed by.

  I paused just long enough to throw a fireball back at the orcs. The drow pushed me.

  "Run!" Mardax shouted.

  We took three and four steps at a time. Not wise in a castle stairwell, because they change up the height and width of the treads to trip up invaders. I took two tumbles on the way down. And then we found four orc guards defending the treasury.

  Angus and I both threw a fireball, and then all three of us slammed into the orcs. Angus' fireball killed one orc, but mine only set the bastard on fire. So I immediately skewered him, mostly to shut up his shrill screaming. I felt like such a jerk for causing him such agony, but only for a second. His friends tried to kill me.

  I called up my sword and shield, but was being pushed back by a ferocious orc. Mardax killed his foe, and both elf and drow converged on my assailant. He turned away from me to defend against the other two, giving me a chance to run over to the door. I had to get that door open fast. The guards in the stairwell were almost upon us.

  "The stupid ass door is locked!" I screamed, so frustrated.

  I glanced at the dark door into the stairwell, the jangle of arms and armor was loud, as were the tread of their booted feet. I had to pause and calm my ass down. Then I remembered the spell I bought earlier that day.

  The last orc guard fell, and as my friends turned toward me, I lifted my splayed hand to the door, and whispered, "Unlock."

  There was clicking and thuds, and then silence. I grabbed the rusty iron handle, and it pulled open easily. We rushed inside and slammed the door closed. I immediately started locking the door. The incoming orcs
hit it a second later. They beat on the door, demanding we open it immediately, or else.

  "Ha! We're not that stupid," Mardax shouted through the door. "We're not ORCS!"

  The orcs began chopping at the door with axes. I hadn't figured on that.

  "Angus, draw your Portal design thingie," I said. "Mardax and I will start filling bags with treasure."

  The orcs were making short work of the door. My eyes were constantly drawn back. It only took a few minutes before there was a hole they could look through. We only had four bags filled, and Angus was still drawing his spell. I started worrying that we might not get out of there in time.

  "You better hurry, Angus!" I cried. "They are about halfway through."

  "I need a few more minutes. This has to be drawn perfectly or it won't work."

  "Mardax, you keep filling bags. I’ll defend the door," I said. I summoned my bow, and then started pumping arrows through the ever widening hole. "I will kill you all, orcs!"

  "Hit them with a fireball," Mardax said.

  "No. That'll destroy the door and let them in faster," I replied. But I rushed up to the door, put my hand as close to the hole as was safe, and hit them with my Percussion spell. That was like a percussion grenade going off, and blew most of them back a few feet. So I sent a fireball through the hole and took out a few of them, before one of them threw a knife through the hole. "Hey, that almost hit me, morons."

  I activated Loud Speak, and shouted into that hole. "STOP!"

  "Holy shit, what the hell was that?" Angus cried. "You scared the shit of me."

  "Shut up and keep drawing."

  There was a bellow of rage, and the orcs slammed into the door again. It sounded like twice as many axes were hitting the door, and it started coming apart faster. That scared the crap out of me, forcing me to back away.

  "Here they come," I said, dropping into a defensive stance. I was determined to sell my life dearly. "Maybe we'll get it done next time we try."