My Only Regret (Twisted Fate Book 1)

by James, Rhonda

The squawking of the seagulls woke me long before I was ready to open my eyes. I was freezing, my teeth chattered and my hair was damp from the ocean mist. I sat up, rubbing my eyes, and looked around. What time was it? I patted my body, searching for the outline of my phone, but found nothing. Standing up, I retraced my footsteps back to the car, not finding any sign of it. Surely I must have taken it with me as I left last night. I punched in the security code on the car and plopped into the drivers seat, thankful for the shelter from the cool breeze. I checked my reflection in the vanity mirror and didn’t like what I saw staring back at me. I snapped the mirror back into place and reached for my keys. My eyes caught a glimpse of shiny metal on the floorboard of the passenger side. My phone. I pulled it up, turning it back on. I had forgotten that I turned it off in anger last night. I had twelve text messages and two voicemails, all from Jesse.

  Did you really just walk out on me?

  Just come back and let’s talk this over calmly.

  Please Rhyann.

  Rhyann?

  Babe, don’t ignore me. That’s not going to fix things. We need to talk.

  Damn it, don’t shut me out. Don’t do this to us baby. We’ve come so far. Don’t give up on us, not now, not ever.

  Please answer your phone.

  I keep calling but it’s only going to voicemail, I left one. Hope you listen to it.

  I love you Rhyann, please pick up the phone.

  Answer the fucking phone!

  Screw this shit!

  I’m gone.

  My fingers trembled as I typed in my password to retrieve my voicemail.

  "Baby, I know that you're upset about this and you have every right to be. I understand that I’ve hurt you by allowing Amber back into our lives, but it’s not what you think. I can’t just shut people out of my life the way you can. My friends are like family to me. Family is very dear to me, and whether you like it or not, Amber was once part of my family circle. She may have hurt me once but I’ve been able to forgive that. Part of me was hoping that you loved me enough that you could see past what she once was to me and trust me enough to forgive her too. I don’t have any feelings for her, other than platonic. Our dance is done, she finally accepts that, but I knew it was over when I first laid eyes on you.“

  Heavy sighs fill the quiet space before he speaks again.

  “You are the only woman I want. When I close my eyes you are the only one I see. I have been with countless women in my lifetime, but yours is the only face I remember. Please come back home. I can’t stand being here without you."

  I’m crying as I press the button instructing the system to save the message and hold my breath waiting for the next. His voice had been tender and loving in the first message, but the flat tone of his voice in this one left me feeling colder than when I had been exposed to the elements.

  “It’s now been five hours. I’ve called around and no one seems to know where you may be, either that or Mel just isn’t telling me. I drove around all night, calling you, texting you. It’s as if you’ve given up on me, given up on us. I can’t live my life like this Rhyann. I can’t sit here wondering if you truly love me the way that you say you do. You told me that you couldn’t trust me, and I know that trust is hard for you. But you’ve never once stopped to consider how your accusations make me feel. You knew how hard it was for me to love someone again. I love you more than anything in this whole world. Watching you walk away, the way you never once looked back, that hurt me more than you will ever know. You say that you can’t trust me, well join the club because right now I’m not sure I can trust that you love me as much as you say you do.“

  I hear muffled voices in the background saying something about heading out and I assume it must be Tyler.

  “Well, I’m leaving now, the car is waiting to take us to the airport. I know you said that I should go without you, but it doesn’t feel right. If you want to join me the itinerary is on the counter. Just call or show up, it doesn’t matter.”

  More yelling this time, Jesse muffles the phone and tells them he will be right there.

  “I’ve gotta go. Fuck, this feels so wrong… You're my wife, dammit. You're supposed to be here with me.”

  I hear what sounds like garbled cries and sniffling. Oh my God, he’s crying. What have I done?

  “If this is goodbye baby, please know that I will always love you, but I can’t live like this anymore. I'm tired of paying for someone else's sins.”

  I hear the phone drop and soft wailing. My heart aches. I hear Tyler’s voice and then a shuffling as he comes closer to the phone, closer to Jesse. “Come on,” he tells him. “Give her some time, she loves you.” Then the phone goes dead.

  The drive home is a blur, but it doesn’t take nearly as long to get back as it had the night before. My hands shook as I tried to open the front door; making it nearly impossible to punch in the security code once I made it inside. I ran to the bedroom, almost expecting to find him sleeping, waiting for me to return, but there’s no one in the cold and empty room but me. The bed is exactly as I left it the night before; decorative pillows are still positioned against the headboard. He didn’t sleep here. Maybe he hadn’t slept at all. His voicemail had indicated that. I looked around the room, taking in the bed and the spot where he always slept, then my eyes locked on the suitcase that remained in the same spot where I had left it yesterday afternoon when everything had still been normal. Before everything had gone to shit.

  Suddenly, everything began to spin round and round in my head and I bolted for the bathroom, collapsing to my knees in front of the toilet bowl, and I emptied my stomach of the only thing left in my system, a bright yellow bile. He was gone. My fear and foolishness had gotten the better of me and allowed me to push him away. Would he even want me back? Would all of the love he had for me be enough for him to let me back in, to maybe hurt him again? My stomach clenched tighter and I threw up violently, the twisting knot in my guts wrecked havoc on my body. I collapsed into a fit of tears, terrified of what my life would be like without him in it. I cried for a long time, then moved into the shower and cried some more. I crawled onto our bed and hugged his pillow, breathing in his scent, wondering if it would be the last time.

  It was after four in the afternoon and he still hadn’t called. I picked up the phone countless times, my finger hovering over his name, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. The anguish that I had heard in his voice, I had caused that, and it had been unnecessary. My fears and insecurities had cost me a lot over the years but nothing compared to this. I had said that I needed space, but maybe he needed space from me. Before I set the phone down I sent him a short text, just to let him know that I was still alive.

  I’m okay. I'm sorry for making you worry, I just had to get my head straight. I got your messages, and your voicemail. I’m not sure how to handle all of this. I told you before that I’m a broken mess. I feel like being with you healed me, put me back together you know, but all it took was something minor to shatter it all apart again. I’m not sure what that means for us. I hope that you are okay and that your tour goes well. I don’t know if this is goodbye. I don’t seem to know anything anymore, except that I love you with everything I am. I hope that is still enough.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Two days have passed without us speaking to one another and I can't take it any longer. I haven't slept since waking up on the beach. I haven't eaten, and I've barely taken in any fluids. I'm an emotional basket case. I'm still vomiting off and on and I'm beginning to think that it's something more than a meal that didn't agree with my stomach, but my head and heart hurt so much I'm barely able to think straight. I just know that I'm about to lose my mind and the only thing that will help me is if I can hear his voice.

  “Hello,” his voice sounded thick and groggy, and I knew right away that he’d been sleeping. He’d probably had a late night.

  “Hi, is this a bad time? I can call back if you like,” I stammered, nervously. Fuck, this is my husband, I sh
ouldn't be afraid to call him.

  “No,” he spoke softly, more awake this time, “I can talk.”

  “I wanted to see how you were. Are you okay? How’s the tour going?”

  He let out a heavy sigh. “It’s,” he started, then stopped to clear his throat. “It’s going well so far, same as always you know. This is old hat for us.”

  “And what about you?” I asked, again.

  “What about me Rhyann? How am I doing?” I heard him shuffle in the bed and I wished for everything that none of this had happened and I could be right there cuddled up beside him. We would wake up and he would kiss me tenderly before making love to me, then we would crawl out of bed and make breakfast together. My heart ached to have that back. “Do you really want to know?” his voice sounded irritated, brittle even.

  "Yes." My voice was a soft whisper, and I realized that I was afraid to hear his response.

  "I'm fucking miserable. I'm on the road, my wife left and wouldn't talk to me, I had no idea where you were, or if you were alive. I went out of my fucking mind. I drove all night looking for you. What they hell were you thinking?" The emotion pouring out of him made it feel as if we were right back in the living room, the night it all started. “I know you were pissed at me, I get it, but did you even once stop to think about your actions and how they would affect me? I thought we were a team. I thought we were building something, something I could always count on.”

  I tried softening my tone, hoping he would let down his guard. It had been two days since we had spoken and, as selfish as it sounded, I just needed to hear his voice. I needed him to make my world right again. I needed him to ground me. It was a lot to put on one person's shoulders, but I'd come to count on him for that kind of strength. “I’m sorry for the things I said to you. I know that I was hasty in my decision. I jumped to conclusions, assuming the worst. I’m notorious for that, it’s a flaw I’m not proud of.” He snorted softly in agreement. “I was wrong for leaving and I’m so sorry I made you worry.”

  “Where did you go?” his tone softened.

  “Drove around mostly, ended up falling asleep on the beach.”

  “That wasn’t safe, you could have been hurt. I can’t stand thinking about anything bad happening to you. Please promise you won’t take risks like that again.”

  “I know, I’m sorry I was careless.” The silence stretched between us as we both considered how to proceed.

  One thing I’d come to learn about us was that we were both too damn stubborn for our own good. From the moment we met we had been caught up in a silent struggle for control. The only time that didn’t seem to matter was when we were intimate. There was nothing I loved more than making love with my husband. He was attentive, sensual, gentle when required, and rough when desired. He was the missing piece to the puzzle that made up my life. We fit so perfectly that when the last piece had been put into place, together we made a masterpiece. I knew it was stupid for me to be apart from him any longer. He was my husband, and I belonged by his side.

  “Listen, I’ve been thinking about coming out to see you, maybe tomorrow I could--”

  “Tomorrow isn’t the best time,” he replied. I had started to tell him that I wanted to join him this weekend, but I wasn’t about to beg. He obviously still needed some time. I’m not going to lie, that hurt a little bit.

  Actually, I felt more like I’d just been bitch slapped.

  “Oh, yeah. That's okay.” I scrambled, trying to mask the knot building up in my throat, threatening to choke the life out of me. I immediately felt myself falling back into my old habits of putting up walls and pretending nothing rattles me. “Maybe some other time. I’m not sure I’m up to flying right now anyway.”

  “Are you still sick? You really should go to the doctor. Are you able to keep anything down?” Even though I knew he was still upset, I could hear the concern in his voice, and that was enough to give me a flicker of hope.

  “A little. Listen, Jesse…”

  “You can’t afford to lose any weight baby. I don’t want you to ignore this. Promise me you’ll go get checked out.” He was back to being the Jesse that I knew and loved.

  “Um, sure. I’ll call later this afternoon. Well, I guess I’ll talk to you sometime later.” My lips trembled as I fought off the tears that threatened to gush out of me. I had so much that I wanted to tell him, the most important thing being that I loved him, but I was afraid he wouldn't say it back. “I miss you so much.”

  “Yeah, I miss you too. Well, I’ll call you soon.” He hung up the phone and I gave up the fight, letting them spill in large pools down my cheeks. I fell to the floor, dropping my head in my hands, and prayed.

  Please don’t let me lose him, not after everything we’ve worked so hard to build.

  I headed over to Mel’s apartment after hanging up with Jesse. I needed someone to talk to and thankfully I had caught her as she was leaving for work. She called in, telling them she would be in later, and made a pot of coffee. I was now in her kitchen with my bottom perched high atop the counter, legs dangling against the cabinet doors.

  "Did he sound angry?" she asked.

  “He sounded distant, not like the Jesse I know.” I threw the paper napkin I had been shredding apart. “This is all my fault. If only I could just learn to fucking trust him. We were doing so well.” I hopped off the counter and began pacing in the small space; being with Jesse must have worn off on me as I mimicked the same pattern I used to watch him perform. “When I think of all the years I have wasted letting my parents poor example get in the way of my happiness, it makes me want to tear something apart.”

  “I think you did a great job on that napkin, poor thing never stood a chance,” she replied wistfully, looking at the mess on the floor. I couldn’t help but chuckle at her attempt to make me smile.

  “I did this Mel. I created this mess, and now I don’t know how to clean it up.” I rubbed the flat of my palms over my eyes. “I’m scared of losing him, but more terrified that I already have.”

  "You haven’t lost him Rhyann, he just needs time,” she wrapped her arms around me and held me close. “This fear you have, that keeps holding you back, you need to let it go sweetie. Jesse is not your father. He's a good man and he loves you deeply. He has turned his life around for you, Rhy. Don’t you see that? He dotes on every little thing you do, everything you say. You need to cut him some slack. He is trying so hard to prove to you that he has changed. You have a gorgeous rockstar that is madly in love with you, and you need to start showing him the same kind of love. I know this is hard for you, but if you don’t feel the same way about him, maybe you need to let him go.”

  “Why would you say that? Of course I love him. I’m just scared that he will continue to betray my trust.” I argued.

  “He hasn’t done anything to betray your trust. So what, she texted him, big deal. So he agreed that she could see them, that’s not adultery sweetie,” she took my hands firmly in hers. “I agree he should have had more respect for your wishes in regards to this woman, but if you make him shut out everyone that feels like a threat to you then you are asking him to stop doing what he loves. He is a performer, and a damned good one. He has fans that adore him, but he only has eyes for you.”

  “I know,” I nodded my head slowly before throwing my hands up in concession. “I know, you’re right.”

  “Of course I’m right. I'm always right when it comes to men." She gave me a nudge with her shoulder. "Now, I have to get to work before my staff blows off the whole morning and I’m stuck picking up the slack. Are you going to be okay?” She pulled me in for a bear hug and rested her forehead against mine.

  “Yes, I’ll be alright. I’m just going for a run to clear my head. Go have a good day at work, and thanks for listening,” I kissed her cheek.

  “Anytime sweetie, you know I’m always here for you. Hey, let's get together and have a girls night. What do you say, pizza back here at seven?”

  "Sounds great to me. Thanks,
Mel."

  The park was quiet for a Saturday morning. The weather had turned colder so maybe that had something to do with it. I put in my earbuds and started down the path as Twisted Fate played loudly in my ears. I had made it just past the one-mile marker when a text came through. I slowed down, checking the screen, and saw that it was from Jesse.