Retreat

by Noelle Adams

  He tried to ease Cecily out of the row quickly when the lights came on, before anyone tried to talk to them, but it was a hopeless cause.

  They were surrounded almost immediately with Cecily’s friends and some acquaintances who were obviously just curious. Cecily was both friendly and discreet, responding to their questions—some subtle and some very much not—in a way that didn’t offer very much information about what she was doing with Zeke.

  Zeke stood beside her. He didn’t say anything. It was taking a significant exertion of his will not to just up and leave.

  He didn’t like being surrounded by people like this. He didn’t like them prying into what was only his business and Cecily’s.

  He’d lived a long time making sure he was never trapped in situations like this.

  Cecily finally managed to get away without offending anyone. She took his arm as they left the church, as if she was looking for support.

  For the first time since they’d arrived, her expression was strained and her smile faded.

  She didn’t say anything until they got into the car.

  “Oh, thank God, that’s over,” she murmured.

  “Yeah.”

  She looked at him quickly. “Would it have killed you to say something?”

  “What do you mean?”

  Her eyes widened. “You could have tried to help out a little instead of leaving all the talking to me.” She was being honest, as she always was, and it was clear she was a little disappointed in him.

  The knowledge made his stomach sink a little bit more, making him feel rather sick.

  “I don’t do that.”

  “You don’t talk?”

  “I don’t… small talk.”

  She took a few breaths. Then murmured, “Right.”

  She wasn’t happy. She was still disappointed in him.

  And Zeke knew for sure then. No matter what she’d told him, she’d been expecting him to be something else, something other than who he was.

  She’d said she liked him for who he was, but she didn’t really mean it.

  She wanted something other than who he was.

  He’d always known she would.

  He’d known it from the beginning—for all those years when he’d believed it was impossible for him to ever be with Cecily this way.

  He hadn’t been wrong.

  It was impossible.

  Maybe the lingering thought he’d had for the past month—the one that suspected she’d been feeling lonely and so had sought out his company, rather than seeking him out for who he really was—was more correct than he’d wanted to admit to himself.

  Maybe he was a fool for hoping this could last beyond the month.

  They drove back home in silence, and it felt worse and worse as they neared Balm in Gilead, as if they were both brooding about things neither one of them wanted to say.

  He walked her back to her door like normal, and he saw her square her shoulders.

  Cecily would always be Cecily. If there was something that needed to be said, she wouldn’t let too much time pass before she said it. “Well, that was kind of awkward, I guess.”

  He grunted, almost relieved she’d brought the topic up.

  She gave him a little smile. “It will get easier,” she said. “It’s just that it’s new to us—being out with people we know. It won’t always be like that.”

  She was obviously looking for affirmation, so he muttered, “Yeah.”

  Her eyes still searched his face, and he was afraid of what she might see there.

  “I can’t believe I have to leave for Willow Park tomorrow. This month has just flown by.”

  “Yeah.” He wondered if that was a hint—her mentioning that their month was almost over. Maybe she wanted him to say something, make it clear what he was thinking.

  He didn’t want to tell her what he was thinking.

  He didn’t even want to be thinking it.

  “Maybe a few days apart will be good for us. We can get over the weirdness of this evening and start fresh again.”

  He nodded although he didn’t believe what she’d said at all.

  She cleared her throat. “Okay. Well, good night.”

  “G’night.”

  He leaned over to brush her lips with a kiss, but he didn’t deepen it. There was too much whirling in his mind. He couldn’t let himself go enough to kiss her for real even though she was just as beautiful and desirable to him as she’d always been.

  She evidently noticed the difference, but she didn’t mention it as he drew back. She said she’d see him tomorrow, and then she went into her apartment and closed the door.

  Zeke stood there for a minute without moving.

  He’d messed things up. He knew he had. Tonight could have been a lot better if he’d acted differently.

  But maybe it was just as well.

  If Cecily were holding on to hopes that he’d turn into a different person at some point, then he would disappoint her eventually.

  Better for it to happen earlier, when both of them were still holding something of their hearts back.

  He’d tried to hold his heart back.

  He wasn’t as successful as he’d hoped to be.

  He loved her already.

  But he was a grown-up now and he knew how the world worked. Loving her didn’t mean he could ever be with her for real.

  Nine

  The next morning, Cecily was trying to pack, drink coffee, and look out her window to see if Zeke was up and about yet all at the same time.

  She was leaving for Willow Park this morning and wouldn’t be back until Monday. She’d said last night that the break would be good for them, but this morning she didn’t believe it.

  The awkwardness of the evening before had cast a pall over her all last night, and it was still there this morning. So she wanted to see Zeke before she left so she could leave with things good between them again.

  She was sure he was up. He got up at dawn most days, even in the past few weeks when he was supposed to be on a break. But she hadn’t yet seen him out her window.

  Of course, her window didn’t offer a full vantage point of the grounds. He might be in the front, or he might be farther down the beach.

  She’d walk around and look for him as soon as she packed, but she couldn’t do anything until she’d managed at least that.

  She was trying to decide between outfits for tomorrow when her phone rang.

  She ran to grab it in a rush before she realized that it obviously wouldn’t be Zeke.

  She wasn’t sure the man had ever called her in his life.

  If he wanted to talk to her, he would just show up at her door.

  When she saw it was her sister calling, she answered it.

  “Hey!” Mercy said, a smile in her voice. “How was the big date last night?”

  “It wasn’t a big date.”

  “Well, you were sure making it seem that way yesterday. How was it?”

  “It was… okay.”

  Mercy paused. “Uh-oh. That bad?”

  Cecily sighed and sat down on the edge of her bed since she’d never been good at multitasking. She could take a few minutes to talk to her sister before she finished packing. “Well, it wasn’t… good.”

  “What happened?”

  Cecily had been doing well all night at talking herself into being reasonable about the evening and not blowing the date out of proportion. But as she tried to form the words for Mercy, emotion started rising in her voice. “It was just… bad. He hardly said a word, and he acted like he wanted to be anywhere but there.”

  “Was he just nervous, do you think? He’s been kind of a hermit for a long time. Maybe it was just being out in public that was hard for him.”

  “We’ve been out in public several times, and he was fine with it. The problem was being around people we know. He just… didn’t seem to want to be doing it. He left all the talking to me. He just stood there like a statue while I tried to…” Her voice broke aga
in, and she had to take a few breaths to control her emotion. “It was just bad.”

  “What did he say on the way home?”

  “Nothing! I tried to… to address it. I thought if we could acknowledge it was awkward that maybe we could… could get over it. But it was like I was talking to a rock. I’m afraid…”

  Mercy waited a minute, but when Cecily didn’t finish the sentence, she prompted, “You’re afraid of what?”

  “I’m afraid he’s going to use it as a sign that our relationship isn’t going to work.”

  “But surely he wouldn’t be that stupid. I mean, he’s not going to dump you because of one awkward date—especially since he was the one who made it awkward.”

  “I might have contributed to the awkwardness. I was… kind of uptight about it. I just kept thinking it was such a big step.”

  “Maybe he was thinking the same thing. Maybe it was just normal nerves at taking such a big step after he’s been off the market for so long, and he’ll be over it this morning.”

  “Maybe.”

  “But you don’t think so, do you?”

  Cecily shook her head at her half-filled suitcase. “I really don’t know.”

  “He’s had a good month, hasn’t he?”

  “I guess so.”

  “Don’t be coy like that. You know very well whether he’s had a good month.”

  Cecily relented at her sister’s tart voice. “Yes. He’s had a good month. I’ve never seen him like this. I’ve never seen him so… almost happy.”

  “And you’ve had a good month.” This was a statement and not a question.

  “Yes.”

  “So you both have had a great month and are really happy with each other. He’s not going to be such a fool as to let you go just because of this. You wouldn’t be so into him if he was a stupid man.”

  “He’s not a stupid man.”

  “Okay then.” Mercy paused. “So you should be fine.”

  Cecily didn’t say anything.

  “You’re still worried, are you? You still think he’s holding back or something.”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you think it’s because of losing his wife? Do you think that’s what’s still holding him back?”

  “No. I don’t think so. He’s pretty open in talking about her. He’s been through all the stages of grief. I saw him go through them. And it was years ago. He seems to have come to terms with her death. I don’t think that’s what’s holding him back.”

  “So what is it then?”

  “I think it’s…” Cecily had been thinking about Zeke a lot for the past month, and she still hadn’t fully formed her conclusions on him. “I’m not exactly sure, but it’s like he thinks he’s become someone entirely different in the past nine years—someone different from who he was before. And he doesn’t want anything about that man to change, even enough to… to have a real relationship.”

  “Everyone has to change to be in a relationship.”

  “I know! But anytime I push him even the smallest bit, he digs in his heels. He acts like I’m trying to make him someone else, and I’m not. I just want him to be happy.”

  “Have you told him this?”

  “Of course.”

  “I mean, told him so he knows it.”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Cecily, I promise I’m not criticizing, but you have a way about you that makes other people feel like you’re… you’re always in control. You’re just so perfectly composed and articulate all the time. You never fall apart. He might think you’re just saying the right thing but don’t really mean it.”

  “I’ve always been honest with him. I’ve never tried to hide my feelings with him.”

  “I know that. But have you really been… been raw, naked.”

  Cecily frowned, feeling a little defensive and still a bit confused. “I… I think so. I’ve opened up to him in a way I do with almost no one else.”

  She thought back to her conversations with him and remembered how raw, how naked she’d felt on the pier the day Kara had dumped her. She’d been completely open with Zeke then. She’d even cried, which she never did in front of other people.

  That was the evening that had really changed things between them.

  Briefly she’d wondered if she’d been as raw and naked with him since.

  “Okay. That’s good then.” Mercy didn’t sound entirely convinced, but there was nothing Cecily could do about that. “I’m sure it will be fine. Just talk to him this morning. Maybe you can laugh about last night.”

  “Maybe.” Cecily stood up, feeling restless and worried and like she’d done something wrong she didn’t know about. “I’ve got to finish packing or I won’t get to Willow Park in time for the workshop session this evening.”

  “Okay. Text me when you talk to Zeke, and let me know how it went.”

  Cecily hung up, telling herself over and over again that there was no reason for her to feel like this.

  This past month had been the best month of her entire life.

  Mercy was right. Surely one awkward evening wasn’t going to destroy it all.

  ***

  Cecily finished her coffee and finished packing. Then she rolled her suitcase out to the lobby and stopped to check in with Janet, who was going to be managing things while Cecily was gone.

  With work all in order, she took her suitcase outside and glanced around. It was fairly early still on a Saturday morning. No one was around.

  She could just get in her car and leave, and no one would even know she had left.

  Zeke obviously wasn’t looking for her.

  She squared her shoulders, telling herself not to be melodramatic, and she started to wheel her case down the ramp. Before she could get more than two steps, someone materialized behind her and took the handle of the suitcase out of her hand.

  Zeke.

  He wore orange camouflage trousers and a black T-shirt, and he walked beside her wordlessly, rolling her case behind him.

  “Thank you,” she managed to say, feeling ridiculously flustered.

  There was no reason for this.

  Absolutely no reason.

  She didn’t have to prepare herself for some kind of impending doom.

  Zeke didn’t say anything at all as he took her suitcase to her car. When she opened the trunk, he put it in for her.

  Then he stared at her with those vivid blue eyes over his beard.

  She hadn’t seen him so silent for more than a month. For some reason it terrified her.

  When she closed her trunk, she turned to look at him, her pulse throbbing uncomfortably with rising nerves.

  “I’ll be back on Monday. Midday. We can talk then.” She searched for some clue in his face about what he was feeling but couldn’t read it at all.

  He gave her a curt nod.

  With a sigh, she added, “I’ve had a… a really good month.”

  He nodded again. He opened his mouth, but no words came out.

  “Really good. One of the best I’ve ever had. We can talk about everything on Monday when I get back, but….”

  He leaned forward slightly, like he was waiting for her to finish.

  “But I want us to stay together,” she managed to say. “I really want that.”

  He opened his mouth again.

  She felt like an idiot as she stood in front of him. She’d just bared her heart to him, made herself completely vulnerable, and he couldn’t bother to respond to her at all.

  How long was she supposed to stand here waiting for him to get it out?

  She was about to give up and turn away when he finally said, “I…”

  She clenched her hands when he hesitated.

  “I don’t think so,” he finally said thickly.

  All the inchoate nerves she’d been feeling coalesced into a tight ball of terror in her gut. “You don’t think what?”

  “I don’t think we should keep doing this.”

  “Doing this?”


  “Dating. Being together.” The words seemed to be forced out of him, and he was holding his body very still.

  So was she. She felt her face drain of color in a chilly wave. “What… what do you mean? Why not?”

  “It’s not going to work.”

  “It was working. It was working fine. Just because things were awkward last night, doesn’t mean it can’t work.”

  He gave his head a rough shake. “It’s not last night. It’s the whole thing. I know you’ve been kind of lonely, and you were using me to—”

  She made a harsh sound in her throat at this ridiculous claim. “I wasn’t using you.”

  “I know,” he said in a rush. “I didn’t mean that. I just mean, I know you were kind of lonely, and we were company for each other. We both needed that, and we had a good time. But I’m not who you would normally choose. I’m not the man you really want.”

  “Yes, you are!” When her voice was slightly shrill, she breathed slowly until she’d calmed herself down enough to say in her normal voice, “I’m the one who gets to decide who I want, aren’t I?”

  “But you’re going to want me to be a different man. I could see you wanting that last night.”

  “That’s ridiculous. I wasn’t—”

  “Yes, you were. Don’t lie to me, Cecily.”

  She blinked at his harsh tone but made herself think through his words honestly. “I wanted you to help a little. Say a word or two when we were talking to other people. I think that’s reasonable, isn’t it? It’s not expecting you to be a different person.”

  His eyes were focused and unmoving and sad. “But it is.”

  “You’re being ridiculous,” she said as impatience started to rise inside her again. “I understand if it’s hard for you to… move out of the hole you’ve lived in for so many years, but don’t blame me for it.”

  “I’m not blaming you. You’ve been great. In every way. You’ve never been anything but great.” His shoulders slumped slightly, and he glanced away at last. “But it has always come down to the fact that I’m not the man you really want.”

  She opened her mouth to argue, because his claim was so completely wrong.

  But she closed it before she actually said what she’d wanted.

  She was thirty-seven years old, and she was actually standing here trying to argue with a man who was breaking up with her.