Dual Desires (Triple Threat Book 3)

by Bella Jeanisse

  I wished I could thank her for her words. She understood what I went through somehow. I was grateful for Chad even more than ever. I grazed Chad’s hand with a finger, and he kissed my cheek.

  “See. I was right,” Maria whispered to me. “He loves you very much. I know he always has.” She patted my arm. “Chad, come bring her over here. You can hold her, and her casts won’t hit anything.”

  Chad walked for a short time then sat down with me in his lap. He brushed the hair from my face. “Just try to sleep, baby. Maybe it’ll wear off faster.” He started to sing softly to me. My mind drifted off immediately.

  * * *

  “How you think she’s doing?” Dominic suddenly asked.

  Chad gripped my hand. “She’s sleeping it off.”

  Then something cold touched my chest, and I jerked. “It’s just me,” Dominic assured me. “I wanna make sure you’re OK.” A finger caressed my cheek. “I thought it was a good time to check you since everyone’s at dinner.”

  I relaxed and realized I could move a little, finally. I clutched Chad’s hand tighter as Dominic moved what felt like a stethoscope under the back of my dress.

  “Her heart rate and blood pressure are pretty low, but otherwise she seems OK,” Dominic relayed. “When she’s awake enough to stand, hold onto her. There’s a possibility she might faint.”

  Chad’s breath quickened. “Why?”

  “Relax, Chad. It’s ’cause her pressure’s so low. Just hang onto her.”

  Chad pulled me closer to him. “How much longer will she be out of it?”

  “There’s no telling.”

  Their voices started to fade, and my body relaxed again.

  * * *

  When I opened my eyes again, they stayed open. “Chad,” I called to him, a bit hoarsely. I was still in his arms.

  “Yes, baby,” he responded. “Can you sit up yet?”

  I moved my arm and put it on his thigh. “Help me, please.”

  Chad grabbed me under the shoulders and sat me up slowly. “You in pain?” He brushed the hair from my face then caressed my cheek.

  “No. What time is it? Did I sleep all day?” I was still disoriented. There were many voices in the room, but they blended together.

  He put his arms around me again. “We have to be here for another hour. So you didn’t miss much.”

  “I should apologize to his mom.” I reached up and touched the ring Giovanni gave me. “They don’t know what’s going on in our lives. They expect me to play the grieving widow, kinda. I know we didn’t get married before he died, but we were going to next month.” I used Chad and the couch to help me stand up. I stood for a few seconds before I felt woozy and swayed.

  Chad grabbed me quickly and pulled me back onto his lap. “Let me carry you there. I’ll sit behind you again. OK?” He stood up with me in his arms and brought me to Rosario. “Hey, she’s awake.”

  Rosario stood up. “That’s good. The priest will be here any minute to do the prayer service. Chad, I think she is gonna need you. It’s not gonna be easy.” Rosario pulled another chair next to his. Then he had Chad and I sit next to each other between him and his mom. I held Chad’s hand tightly. Giovanni’s mom laced her fingers with mine that poked out of my cast again.

  The room got very quiet when the priest came in the room. He started with standard prayers. I was fine until the priest started to talk about Giovanni. Since he knew Giovanni from the time he was a young child, he talked about his childhood. When he lost his dad, and how difficult it was for him. He also told everyone about how he turned his life around and put everything into the band.

  Then he mentioned me. I don’t recall his exact words. Tears had blurred my vision, and my heart pounded in my ears. I squeezed Chad’s hand for strength. The priest spoke briefly about the tragic accident. When he paused, I sniffled and lay my head on Chad. I hoped it was over. It wasn’t.

  “We, the ones who are left, feel the pain. Giovanni is in heaven, and his struggle is over. He will watch over all of you now. You may be able to feel him with us. He will be forever in your hearts.”

  The pain and sadness returned full force. I wanted Giovanni to get up and say it was all a big mistake. No matter how confused my heart was, it was too much to let him go. Chad just put his arm around me and didn’t say a word. I heard him sniffle, so he cried too. I wished that was a comfort.

  When the priest had left, I was still lost and sad. I leaned on Chad more and cried again. He held me closely. Then Giovanni’s mom hugged me and Rosario put an arm around Chad.

  “Maria, let me get you home,” her brother said quietly.

  She looked into my eyes. “It’ll get better. I promise.”

  I turned to Chad when she was gone. He gripped the chair, as he obviously fought tears.

  “Let it out, man,” Rosario urged him. “You can’t pretend to be fine for her all the time.”

  Chad stood up and glanced at Giovanni for a few seconds then looked at me. “You just don’t get it!” he cried out. “She needs me to.”

  “It’s OK, Chad,” I told him.

  “No it’s not. I didn’t wanna get you this way.”

  Rosario moved to my right side and rubbed my back. “Why would any of us want it this way?”

  Chris came to Chad’s side and put his hands on his arms. “None of us can deal with this. It’s fucked up but holding it in ain’t gonna make it better.”

  “But, how is this fair?” Chad’s tears fell fast. “How the fuck can I win like this? He wasn’t supposed to die. I wanted her to be mine but not this way.”

  Tommy was suddenly next to me as I watched Chad slowly fall apart. I grabbed Tommy’s hand and leaned on him. “Let him grieve,” he whispered. “I got you.”

  “Shit! Phil!”

  I looked up to see that Phil caught Chad as he collapsed. He and Chris tried to walk him out of the room but Chad couldn’t. I felt like it was my place to comfort him. However, I knew him. It was the last thing he wanted from me.

  Tommy wiped some of my tears away. “He’ll be OK.”

  “Come on man,” Jon’s voice boomed. “Crystal don’t need this.”

  Rosario got up. “Don’t do that to him. You grieved for fucking Dean, and that asshole killed my brother!” He started toward Jon.

  “No, don’t.” Dominic got between them. “Not here.”

  Then Will and Josh, Chad’s older brothers, appeared. Both of them hugged Chad as he finally stood up straight. Chad clutched them, his body racked with sobs. I watched, unsure what to do.

  When he had not gotten himself together after several minutes, I patted Tommy’s leg. “Help me up. He needs me.” My hands shook as Tommy held onto me, and we walked toward the group. “Chad?”

  Chad turned. Tommy let me go as I reached for Chad. I took a step toward him and fell into his arms. As he shifted to support me, Giovanni came into view. My lips trembled just before I let out a cry of anguish.

  He pulled my head to his chest. “I can’t win you this way,” he whispered. “Why’d it have to play out like this?”

  * * *

  By the time Rosario had gotten Chad and I home, neither one of us felt better. Robotically, Chad helped me get ready for bed before he took care of himself. When he crawled into bed, we held each other closely as we both cried, completely grief stricken.

  At one point, I looked up at him. “Can you get his phone?”

  “Why?” He bit his lip, while he tried to control his emotions.

  I closed my eyes and sucked on my bottom lip. “I wanna see him.”

  He nodded and retrieved it from his dresser. Then he sat against the headboard and pulled me between his legs. I watched as he brought up Giovanni’s favorite playlist. Giovanni had listened to music while he rode alone. The first song was more than fitting, “Buried Alive” by Avenged Sevenfold.

  I took the phone from Chad and held it to my chest for a while. My eyes closed, and I imagined him on his bike. As the song progressed, I moved the ph
one and brought up the photo gallery. He had lots of pictures. I leaned back on Chad and flipped through them. There were some of me, a few of just him, but more of us together, selfie style. My favorite was us on his bike together without helmets, my arms around him. Phil had taken that one. I sniffled and swiped the screen.

  Chad gasped. “Wow,” he murmured.

  I turned. His mouth hung open as he stared at the screen. I felt bad but didn’t say anything. I looked back at the phone. The photo Giovanni took in the diner parking lot dominated the small screen. You could tell it was me who sucked his cock. I flipped to the next one, which was also dirty but of me naked on our bed. Chad growled softly but didn’t comment.

  After we went through several more, the battery flashed red. I didn’t want to lose what I had left of him. My entire body shook as I imagined I would never see him again. “Do you have his charger? The battery is dy—um low.”

  “Baby, I got the same phone, remember?” He tried to take the phone from me, but I held it in a death grip. “I’ll hook it up when you let go.”

  Chapter 30

  We woke up face-to-face. Chad pulled me closer. He fought the urge to cry again. I did the same. That day would make things quite final. The doorbell rang. We slept late again. I thought Chad had set an alarm, but we were both so upset, I couldn’t be sure. Chad kissed my lips before he left me to get the door.

  Both our mothers came in the bedroom within minutes. They hugged and kissed me then went about the regular routine of the last few days. I guessed they had seen my tears. I carefully sat up. Then I slowly stood, as I held onto the bed. After I grabbed the crutch, I went to the closet. The dress I was to wear that day was easy to reach. When I put it on the bed, my mom went to my dresser and took out green underclothes for me.

  “No.” Welled up with tears, I blurted out, “I need the black Fiore set.” It was a lacy set I bought specifically for Giovanni’s eyes.

  She looked at me puzzled. “No one’s going to see your underwear.”

  “Giovanni will. He likes that one,” I explained. “I wanna wear it.”

  “I don’t see that in the drawer,” my mom replied.

  “I have to wear it!” Then I started to cry again. “I bought it for him. I wanna have it on while I say goodbye. Please.” I knew I was irrational, but it meant that much to me.

  Chad came in the room. “I’ll go get it. Maybe you packed it. Paulie put everything back in your room.” He hugged me tightly. “It’s OK, baby. You can wear it. I’ll be right back.”

  I walked to the kitchen still upset. The tears wouldn’t stop. Can’t we just skip over today? I knew I had to let Giovanni go, and I wasn’t ready. Even Chad couldn’t help. I felt guilty, but I couldn’t control my emotions.

  Valerie cooked in the kitchen. “Ma, am I hurting Chad really bad? I can’t stop crying. I miss Giovanni so much.”

  She turned around and hugged me. “He knows you need to go through this. He’ll be fine. He does feel slighted, but he understands why it’s happening.”

  Soon enough, Chad was back with the set I wanted. I hobbled over to him and hugged him. “Thank you for everything.”

  He put an arm around me. “Baby, I’d do anything for you.” He pulled back and kissed me on the lips several times. “I love you.”

  Then he towed me behind him as he walked to the bedroom. After he washed me like usual, he helped me get the black set on. He stared as I lay back on the bed. I was sure he thought of the first time he saw me in it. The day he took pictures of me and Giovanni naked in that very room. Then tears started again.

  Chad lay down next to me and held me. “You’re thinking of that day too, huh? When you stood in the doorway to the garage in only that, I wished Giovanni wasn’t there. Good thing you were quiet. Did he find out I fucked you in the garage?”

  “No,” I mumbled. Guilt started to overwhelm me.

  “You still look as good in it as you did that day.”

  That made me smile, but it didn’t seem possible. “You’re blind. Don’t these casts turn you off?”

  “There’s nothing you can do to turn me off.” His face screwed up. “Well, maybe one thing but not a cast or bruise or scar or anything like that. I love you no matter what. Just please don’t call me his name again while I make love to you.” He ran his hand down my body. “I love you so much, my baby girl.”

  My tears were gone, and I was ready to get dressed. At least, as ready as I could be. “I love you too, Chad.” Then I tried to sit up but had a hard time.

  Chad helped me. “Baby, just gimme a minute. You need to take your pills.”

  He left but came back with the pills and water like usual. I didn’t fight him. Then he helped me into the dress. He zipped up the back and helped me stand up.

  “This one is the sexiest too.”

  I looked down. The black push-up bra made more cleavage show than the one I wore when I first tried it on. “It’s inappropriate. Isn’t it?”

  “No. You look beautiful,” my mom said from the doorway.

  I used the furniture and walls to get to the mirror on the closet door. Many bruises were visible. The dress was shorter than the others, so more of my leg showed. My whole shoulder was exposed. The scar from the stitches was worse than the bruises that had started to yellow. But it wasn’t as bad as the one on my forehead. People’s attention probably would go to my casts instead.

  Chad came up behind me. “You look more like yourself in this dress. Everyone knows you were in the accident too. No one’s going to look at your scars or bruises. This day is not about looks, but you’re gorgeous in this dress.”

  “You’re too much you know.” I smiled. “Thanks for making me feel better.”

  * * *

  I was in the kitchen when Chad leaned over me. His hair fell over my face and shoulders as he pulled me back to kiss my lips. I reached up and played with his wet hair. Then I fed him some of my breakfast. He smiled.

  “Sit with me and eat.”

  He looked at his mom.

  “We have a few minutes,” she assured him.

  He sat next to me, and his mom gave him a plate of food. We laughed as we fed each other for a while. It felt good to be silly with him again. I missed that. I watched him and smiled. He had a sharp black suit on with a tie. I always loved how he looked dressed up.

  How could I not have loved him all along? I must have. Maybe I mixed up the strong bond we had as friends with the love I felt for him. They were quite similar. We couldn’t change the past though, only move forward.

  My mom started to fix my hair before I was done with my food. As soon as I cleaned my plate, Chad’s mom did my makeup. We couldn’t be late for the funeral. As soon as his mom was done, I did Chad’s hair. It was easier to do while it was wet. Soon we were all ready to go. No one made me put the sling on, but my mom put it in her purse just in case.

  Chad held my hand in the backseat on the way to the funeral home. Anxiety gripped me. He felt it and pulled me to him. “I’m here. It’s OK to miss him and be sad. I get it. I really do. Don’t worry how it affects me. You need to grieve in your own way. I love you, baby girl.”

  I smiled at him through my sudden sadness. It was all I could muster.

  When we got there, we walked to the stairs, Chad’s arm around my back. We had forgotten the crutch. Chad carried me up, and a man in a black suit opened the door for us. Chad put me down on the carpet and held on. There were many men in black suits, who seemed to work there. I searched the room. Jon, Chris and Rosario talked together with Tommy and Dominic. Mark and Phil stood next to mine and Chad’s brothers not far from the first group. They all had dark suits on, except for Rosario, who was in his dress uniform. Chad held my left arm and walked with me to them. We were met with grim faces.

  “How you doing?” Dominic put a hand on my shoulder.

  I shrugged. “Not really sure.”

  “Understandable.” He glanced to Noelle, who sat on a couch with Hailey. “There’s no way t
o prepare for something like this. If you need to talk, I’m here.” His eyes watered. “I know how it feels.”

  My lips parted, as I read between the lines. Who’d he lose? The pain was written all over his face. “Thanks. Glad someone understands. Sorry for whoever you lost.”

  “Thanks.” Dominic sighed. “It’s an honor to be one of Giovanni’s pallbearers.”

  My eyebrows furrowed. I hadn’t been part of that discussion. “Um, I didn’t think of that.” I turned to Chad. That meant we would be separated.

  “Baby, you’ll be with Giovanni’s mom,” Chad explained. “She’ll hold your hand. I won’t be gone too long. I promise. This is something I have to do to grieve.”

  I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. “I know. My parents are here and so are yours. I’ll be OK.”

  “I’m here too,” Paulie said from behind me.

  Surprised, I turned to him. He was in a suit as well. “I though you were gone.” We hadn’t seen him since he came to Chad’s house.

  “Nah.” Paulie gave me a small smile. “I didn’t think I belonged here, but I wanted to support you.”

  Chad clapped him on the shoulder. “Thanks. Today’s gonna be rough.” He glanced at Rosario. “I gotta bring you to Maria now. The funeral director wants to talk before we leave.”

  “I got it,” Paulie said. “Let me help.” He took my good arm. “I’ll take good care of her.”

  Chad hugged me and whispered, “Have him come get me if you need me. I’ll be with you in the car.”

  I gripped him tightly. Emotion built. “OK.”

  “I know, baby. I miss him too. When this is all over, I’ll hold you I promise.”

  Paulie led me to the room where Giovanni waited. My eyes closed as we approached the front. Sorrow filled me. I can’t do this. My hands shook and my lips trembled. I need Chad. When Paulie stopped, I didn’t want to know why.