Level Up

by Craig Anderson

  “We’ve had an army of testers working on this game for months and they didn’t find any of this stuff.”

  “Yeah, it is kind of his thing. He likes to break stuff. If it was him in this mess instead of me he would probably be level 50 by now. He’d have also blue screened the universe. He’s crashed more games than you’ve had hot dinners.”

  Carlos hears me and removes the headset, a huge grin plastered all over his face. “Mate! I have so many ideas for how we can speed up your progress. Give me another hour with this and I’ll have you as a level 50 ninja warlock by breakfast.”

  “That’s great.” I’m going to need all the help I can get now I am the saviour of the universe. I can’t believe what I am about to ask. I feel dirty even saying it. “Do you think you can help me figure out how to maximize my EXP and gold coins? We are going to have to min/max this if we have any chance of completing all these quest items.”

  “On it!” He puts the headset back on, leaving me alone with Sarah. She says, “Carlos and I had a chat. We think we have figured out another one of your fears and we’ve come up with the perfect way for you to face it.” She checks her watch and says, “We have to go right now if we are going to get there in time. We can leave Carlos here, he seems happy in the game.”

  “Are you going to tell me where we are going?”

  “Nope.”

  “Why not?”

  “We both agreed you wouldn’t come if you knew where you were going.”

  “Now I really want to know.”

  She stares right at me. “Do you trust me?”

  “Of course I do!”

  “Then shut up and get in the car.” There’s a hint of a smile creeping in as she does her best to maintain her serious face.

  We drive across town. It’s exactly how I imagined it all those years ago, just the two of us, off on an adventure together. In my fantasy Sarah was wearing something more revealing and I had more muscles, but I will settle for this reality. If that’s what I can call it.

  As we are driving Sarah turns off the radio. “What happened to you? You just fell off the face of the earth after university. I half expected you to be running your own company by now, and instead you’re slumming it as a junior Business Analyst.”

  I see Carlos has been blabbing again. I wonder how much he has told her. “My Dad got in a car accident and I took the first job I could find to help pay the bills. I guess when he passed away I never stopped to reevaluate what I was doing with my life. It’s only recently that I’ve been questioning why I’m still working there.”

  She takes her eyes off the road long enough to make eye contact with me. “I’m sorry to hear about your Dad. I didn’t know.”

  “Accidents happen. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that it was just bad luck. Could have happened to anyone. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was simply a bad roll of the dice. Or perhaps it was preprogrammed. Who really knows how any of this works.”

  “How did your Mum take it?”

  “It’s made her afraid of everything. Every time I leave the house she is convinced it is the last time she’s going to see me. She’s getting a little better, but it’s been hard on both of us.”

  “Carlos said you’re still living with her. Have you thought about moving out?”

  I laugh a little harder than necessary. “I would love to, but work isn’t exactly paying me the big bucks. By the time I’ve helped Mum with the mortgage and bills there isn’t much left for me to think about buying my own place. The good news is she only has four years left on the house until it’s all paid off.”

  “That’s a long time to put your life on hold.”

  “It’s not like I am turning down a bunch of better offers. It works for both of us.”

  I’m not sure I can keep talking about this, not just because of the mood it is putting me in, but because it is reminding me how much it hurts to lose someone you care about, and now everyone I care about is relying on me.

  Sarah suddenly swerves left and pulls the car into a pub carpark. As she turns the engine off I say, “Are we stopping for a cheeky pint?”

  “Not exactly. Come on.”

  “What are we doing here?”

  “You’ll find out.”

  I reluctantly follow her, the feeling that this is some kind of elaborate trap still lingering. As soon as we walk in the door I see the banner and turn to leave, but Sarah grabs my arm. “We figured we needed to deal with your fear of rejection.”

  “Rejection? I’m not afraid of rejection!”

  “Then why won’t you ask a woman out? Carlos said you keep chickening out every time you guys go out together. It’s been years since university and he said you haven’t had a single relationship. It’s time to get over it.”

  It has suddenly become a lot easier to decide who is going to live and who is going to die. If Carlos survives the end of the world I’m going to kill him. “Maybe I’m not interested, did you think about that?”

  “Sure, but I don’t think that’s it. There’s something stopping you. You need to get out of your own way. You’re a great guy, you deserve to be happy.”

  “I’m very happy!”

  “Are you telling me if you had died yesterday that you would have strolled up to the pearly gates content that you had lived your life to the fullest?”

  I open my mouth to spout a witty retort, but nothing comes out. The truth is, she’s not wrong. What would I have left behind? A pile of half-finished video games, a dozen spreadsheets and a mountain of regrets. It’s not really the legacy I had imagined.

  I could turn and run, I have the shoes for it. Something keeps me here though. I have been afraid of commitment. I saw how broken my Mum’s heart was when Dad passed away and a part of me vowed to never let myself be that vulnerable. Perhaps it is time to put that behind me. Knock one more fear off the list.

  I stroll through the double doors before I can change my mind, underneath the banner that says Speed Dating Tonight!

  LEVEL 13: SPEED RUN

  A young lady with a clipboard is grinning far too enthusiastically as we approach her. She says, “Are you two here for tonight’s event?”

  “What? No, just him.” Sarah goes an interesting shade of red. I guess I am not the only one with commitment issues.

  The lady checks her clipboard. “I’m afraid that’s not possible. We already have more men than women. I can’t let the ratio skew any further.” She turns to me. “Perhaps you could try again next week?”

  “Sorry, there won’t be a next week if I can’t get over my fear of rejection.” I meant that to sound sarcastic, but now that I think of it I sound suicidal.

  The hostess is now looking at me very concerned. Sarah can see we are about to get kicked out so she says, “Ok fine, I’ll do it. I will bring up the numbers for the ladies if you let my friend take part.”

  The hostess looks torn between letting me anywhere near a woman and improving her ratio. After a few seconds she says, “Ok fine. Read these forms and then someone will show you where to go.”

  I scan the form. In essence, if I like someone I should tick the box next to their name. If I’m not interested I put an X. If we both tick then our contact details get shared. When the bell rings we move on to the next person. Sounds simple enough.

  Sarah takes a seat with the rest of the girls. There are only five of them. I find a group of anxious looking guys, at least a dozen, all standing around chugging their drinks with the enthusiasm of teenagers that have found the key to their parents liquor cabinet. Several of them are wearing suits and the others are at least wearing shirts. If I had known we were coming here perhaps I would have changed out of my hoodie. Still, the only other item of clothing I have to equip, I mean wear, is my Germany football shirt and I think that has caused quite enough trouble for one day.

  As I stroll up to the group one of the guys wearing a bright red shirt looks at me and scoffs. “Is it laundry day?”

&n
bsp; A couple of the others chuckle. It’s been a long day, so I fire back. “Yeah, the washing machine on my yacht is on the fritz again and Jeeves didn’t have time to make it to the dry cleaners yet. You know how it is. Just can’t find the help these days.”

  That gets a bigger laugh from the group and the guy downs his pint before sizing me up. His tone changes. “You think you’re funny, how about we step outside?”

  A tiny health bar appears above his head.

  Level 3 Try hard.

  One punch and he’d be toast. I wave him away. “Sorry buddy, I’m not much of a fighter. Save your energy for the girls.”

  He still looks like he might go for me, but then a larger guy in an orange shirt places his hand on his shoulder. “It’s not worth it T.J. He’s right, save your energy.”

  “He’s disrespecting me Earl. The guy’s a wiener. I should teach him a lesson.”

  “The girls are watching.”

  T.J. glances over at the tables and huffs before backing down.

  One of the other guys sticks out his hand. “Ignore him, he’s an idiot. I’m Charles. Is this your first time speed dating?”

  I glance down at my outfit. “How did you know?”

  “You have the look of fresh meat. Don’t worry, the girls will dig that. I can give you some tips if you’d like?”

  What do I have to lose? “Sure, I need all the help I can get.”

  “Don’t try too hard, you will come across as desperate. If the first question the girl asks is what do you do, then that is all she cares about. Giving the wrong answer to that question will immediately take you out of the race. Feel free to be creative with the truth for that one. If she mentions an ex boyfriend or recent breakup then that means she is on the rebound and out to get him. Tick those ones even if you don’t fancy them, they usually just tick every guy. Finally if they ask you to buy them a drink tell them to take a hike, the drinks here are ridiculously overpriced because they know the guys are trying to impress. If all else fails just don’t say anything. Women love it when you let them talk, it rarely happens. That should be enough to get you started. Any questions?”

  “You sound like you’ve done this a lot. Does it work?”

  “If it worked I wouldn’t have done this a lot.”

  “Good point!”

  “It depends what you’re looking for. If it’s just a bit of fun and possibly a quick fling then I’d say it’s more effective than trying to pickup in a random bar, because you’ve already filtered out most of the girls with boyfriends and husbands. If you’re after true love then you’ve come to the wrong place.” He says.

  I stare across the room at Sarah as she wriggles uncomfortably in her seat. Maybe Charles is wrong, maybe this is exactly where I will find true love.

  A bell rings and the guys all finish off their drinks before rushing to sit at a table. Charles grabs me by the arm and says, “No need to rush old chap.” He waves at the barman. “We’ll get two beers here.”

  “Both on your tab Mr. Rock?”

  He nods and the barman pours our drinks while I watch the rest of the guys fighting over the limited number of seats. T.J. shoves another bloke and the next thing they are having a full on punch up in the middle of the bar. Earl goes wading in to try and break them apart.

  Charles chuckles and hands me a pint as security drags all three of the trouble makers out of the building. “Happens every time. There’s always one that wants to show everyone he is the alpha male. We should thank them really, compared to them we will seem like civilized gentleman. Cheers.” We chink glasses and wait for our turn.

  Charles points at an older gentleman. “Check this guy out. He’s dying out there.”

  I overhear the guy say, “Hi, I’m John. I am 64, recently divorced, no kids. I work in sanitation.”

  Charles shakes his head. “Don’t be formal like that, listing off your attributes like bullet points. It makes it sound like you’re applying for a job. You want to be light and breezy. Don’t overshare, far better to be mysterious.”

  I scan the room. “Like that guy?”

  The guy I point at has a shaved head and is wearing a suit and tie. He isn’t saying anything, instead he is sitting in silence and staring at the girl. She wriggles in her seat uncomfortably.

  “God no, that guy is way too intense! He looks like he would rather murder her than date her. Maybe go for something a little bit in-between.”

  The buzzer comes far quicker than I was expecting and suddenly I’m up. I leave Charles at the bar and sit down at the first table. The woman sitting there takes one look at my outfit and marks an X on her card without saying a word. Not a great start. I try to think of something sweet or witty to say. Instead I sit down and stare at her blankly. It goes on for so long it becomes awkward. This is usually the part where I would run, but I’m stuck in this seat until the buzzer goes.

  I try to think of something to say, but my mouth is suddenly constipated. Nothing will come out. I don’t know what my problem is. I try to force out the words, but instead I let out of low groan.

  Eventually she says, “Are you ok? Do you need the toilet?”

  I can do this. I just have to say something nice about her, a compliment, anything to break the ice. Anything at all.

  “You have a face!”

  Nailed it.

  She doesn’t even bother pretending any more. She pulls out her phone, no doubt to tell her social media followers what a disaster speed dating is turning out to be.

  I just need to give myself a pep talk. Come on Marcus, remember what Charles said. Play it cool. She’s just a person, a regular, run-of-the-mill girl. “I don’t even fancy her.”

  Wait, did I say that last bit out loud?

  Now she’s scowling. She says, “You don’t fancy me?”

  “I’m really sorry, you’re just not my type.”

  “Like you can be picky.”

  Now it’s my turn to be offended. “I’ll have you know I have very high standards.”

  “What, and you’re saying that I don’t meet them? What exactly should I change? Perhaps you’d like it if I lost some weight, or maybe I should get a boob job? Is that the problem? You’re just like my ex! You’d prefer someone with breasts so large they block out the sun, is that it? Maybe I could put on a bikini and play some volleyball for you?” She’s shouting loud enough that the other couples around us have stopped to stare.

  I need to do some damage control. I wave over a waiter and say, “We’d like a couple of drinks here please. My treat.”

  “Oh I get it, perhaps if you get drunk enough you can drop your standards, is that it?”

  Please oh please can someone push the buzzer.

  She turns to the waiter. “I’ll have a bottle of champagne and one glass please.”

  That’s going to cost me.

  The buzzer sounds, bringing sweet release. The girl says, “Just so we’re clear, I wouldn’t date you if you were the last guy on earth. I’d prefer to die alone.”

  That should do it. Any minute now I’ll get my status update.

  Nothing.

  Why didn’t that register? It was certainly humiliating enough. Maybe this isn’t one of my fears after all. Or perhaps I have to get rejected by all of them. That’s going to be fun. One down, four to go.

  I vow to do better. I just have to stop trying and start talking. This is all just a game, stop thinking, start playing.

  I have barely sat down at the next table when the new girl says, “What was that all about? Is that your ex or something?”

  “What? No, we just met.”

  “Wow, she was so mad at you. I assumed there was a history there.”

  “What can I say, it’s a skill I have.”

  She smiles. “Impressive.”

  “I’m Marcus.” Oh good, at least I managed to get out my name this time. Progress!

  “I’m Claire.” She holds out her hand and I start to shake it, but then I forget to let go and it becomes awkward. Eve
ntually she pulls her hand away and says, “Is this some kind of treat them mean, keep them keen act?”

  “No, this isn’t some calculated ploy to exploit your insecurities. I’m just really bad at dating.”

  “I’ll say. So what made you come speed dating?”

  “I’m here with a friend. It was her idea.” I glance over at Sarah and a pang of jealousy hits me. The guy she is with is making her laugh.

  Claire looks at me and says, “Friend huh. Seems to me like you’d prefer it was something else.”

  “What? No! Don’t be silly.”

  Claire stares at me until I crack under the pressure. “Is it that obvious?”

  “Only to someone with eyes. Why don’t you tell her?”

  “She just broke up with her fiancee. She kind of hates guys at the moment.”

  “All the more reason to let her know how you feel. Or would you prefer to wait until after she’s met someone else?”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  Claire places her hand on mine. “Perhaps it’s not that complicated. How does she feel about you?”

  “I have no idea, I only just met up with her again. There was something there once, maybe, a long time ago.”

  “Then you owe it to yourself to let her know. What’s the worst that can happen?”

  “She can reject me, stomp all over my heart, and then the world will end.” I really need to stop saying that, people are going to think I am completely insane.

  “I’ll make you a deal. If that happens, I’ll go out on a date with you. But if you don’t tell her I’m going to have to mark you as an X. I don’t date quitters.” She picks up her pen and spins it around her fingers. “So what’s it going to be?”

  I’ve been so distracted this whole time I didn’t even stop to look at Claire. She’s cute, with flowing red hair and a patch of freckles on each cheek. Any other day I’d kill to go on a date with a girl like this. She’s right, I have been fighting for my life all day and I am still here, but I’m still too afraid to tell Sarah how I feel.

  The buzzer sounds. I turn and say, “Thanks Claire, I really needed to hear that. It’s been a pleasure meeting you.”