Boss I Love To Hate

by James, London

  She says nothing but walks toward the elevator, as if she expects that I’ll follow – which of course, I do. I step into the car, and she crowds herself on the far side, well away from me. A short time later, we’re out on the street in the night air that’s going from cool to cold. It feels like it dropped twenty degrees in the time I was inside Berlin’s building. I slide on my gloves and slip my hands back into my pockets.

  “I guess you were right,” I start casually. “Maybe a scarf would have been a good idea.”

  She walks along, swallowed up completely by her oversized coat, her arms crossed over her chest. The lower half of her face is covered by her scarf. In terms of non-verbal communication and body language, Berlin is about as closed off as Fort Knox.

  We walk down to a coffee cart that’s sitting beneath the awning of a pastry shop, and I grab us both a cup of hot cocoa. She murmurs her thanks as I hand her a cup.

  “Do you want to go inside where it’s warm?” I ask. “Grab a pastry, maybe?”

  “No, I just want you to say what you came to say so I can go home and get out of the cold.”

  I sigh, my breath coming out in a thick plume of steam. “Okay.”

  I lead her over to a bench in the small green space beside the pastry shop. As we take a seat, I’m hit by the overpowering stench of dog shit and piss. I grimace and turn to Berlin.

  “Do you want to find someplace else that’s not quite as – pungent?”

  “It’s fine. I don’t plan on us being here long,” she says, still not looking me in the eye. “Say what you have to say.”

  I let out another long breath and focus on taking short, shallow breaths through my mouth. It doesn’t help much, so I hold my cup of cocoa under my nose and inhale the rich chocolate fumes instead. I can feel Berlin staring at me – waiting for me to say what I have to say. Knowing she’s already pre-judged and ruled against me, I know I’ve got an uphill climb in front of me.

  But knowing how I feel about her, it’s a climb well worth making. What waits for me at the summit is something that fills me with a light and a joy I never expected to experience in my life – and I want it. More than anything I’ve ever wanted.

  “Listen, I’m sorry I didn’t react the way you wanted me to react yesterday –”

  She turns to me, outrage on her face. “It’s not about how I wanted you to react.”

  “Isn’t it?”

  She opens her mouth but sputters and ultimately closes it again without saying anything, perhaps realizing that maybe I have a point. I take her silence as a concession to that.

  “News like that – it was shocking, to be honest. It hit me like a brick to the gut, Berlin,” I tell her honestly. “I just wanted a minute to process it all. That’s just who I am – who I’ve always been. I don’t go off half-cocked, and I think things through. I mean, how long have you known? How long have you had to process this?”

  She sighs, the anger on her face suddenly giving way to embarrassment. “A – a few weeks now. I wanted to tell you, but I kept chickening out. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kept it from you.”

  “I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t want it. It was just so sudden.”

  She turns to me for the first time all night. “But you do want it?”

  “I was up all last night thinking about it all. I mean – I’m going to be a father,” I say, my voice barely more than a whisper. “It was something I used to dream about if you can believe it. I used to dream about having a whole pile of kids.”

  I look up, into the dark, clouded nighttime sky, the waves of disbelief still washing over me. I’m going to be a father. Never before have so few words ever rocked my entire life before.

  “Used to?” she asks gently. “But what about now?”

  I turn back to her and give her a soft smile. “To be honest, for a lot of years now, I thought that dream was dead. I didn’t honestly think I’d ever find somebody I’d want to have kids with,” I answer. “But then you came along, and you turned my world upside down anyway. In the best way possible.”

  She presses her lips together tightly. She’s wearing an inscrutable expression. I have no idea what she’s thinking right now. But the one encouraging thing is that she’s no longer scowling. She doesn’t quite have that, ‘I wonder what he’d look like going through a wood-chipper’ gleam in her eye anymore. So, I take that as a positive sign. Small, but a positive sign, nonetheless.

  “I care about you, Berlin. I care about you a hell of a lot,” I continue. “And I know you care about me too.”

  She shrugs as if to neither confirm nor deny that she does, in fact, care about me.

  “What I’m trying to say is that if I could pick who I wanted to start a family with, you’d be at the top of the list,” I say. “What I’m trying to say here is that, yes, I want you, Berlin – you and our child. I want to be a big part of both of your lives. If you’ll have me.”

  Her eyes widen. She looks taken aback like she doesn’t know what to say – which might be a first. She often accuses me of always having an answer – smartass or otherwise – but she’s the one who does. She’s just more subtle about it.

  “I would have told you all of this in my office yesterday,” I chuckle. “But, you were busy telling me to fuck off and sprinting for the elevator.”

  “R – really?”

  I nod, and she looks utterly abashed – well, as abashed as one can look when half their face is covered by a scarf.

  “You’re not just saying this because –”

  I take her hand and give it a firm squeeze. “Berlin, I say this with all the affection I feel for you – shut up,” I say. “I care about you more than I can even express. I think it’s even safe to say that I – I love you.”

  Her eyes grow dinner-plate wide. I imagine that beneath her scarf, her mouth is a perfect ‘O’. Tears make her eyes shimmer in the darkness as she stares at me.

  “Say that again?” she whispers.

  “Like – all of it, or –”

  She punches me in the chest, a laugh bubbling up from her throat. “No. Just the part where you tell me you love me.”

  I nod. “I do. I love you, Berlin,” I smile, marveling out how much easier it comes out of my mouth the second time.

  She throws her arms around me and squeezes tight. Her tears are warm against my skin as she buries her face in my neck. Her arms are clasped around the back of my neck, and she’s squeezing for all she’s worth. Very nearly choking me out in the process. But I don’t mind.

  “I love you too,” she says.

  “Good,” I nod. I smile. Maybe things will be okay. But while we’re at it, we may as well let it all out.

  “But there’s something else we need to discuss.”

  She sits back on the bench, cradling her cup of cocoa again, but with a dreamy shine in her eyes.

  “What do we need to discuss?” she asks.

  “Well, first of all, you still haven’t given me a decision about Rose Hills.”

  She chews on her bottom lip and looks away from me. “I just feel like I’d be abandoning him. I’d feel so guilty.”

  “You’d actually be doing him a lot of good, Berlin,” I point out. “You’d be making sure he’s getting better care than you or Nadia can give him.”

  “I know, it’s just…”

  Her voice trails off. I can see her really struggling with the decision. Which is fine, we can kick that can down the road a little bit. The second thing I need her to agree to might be a bit trickier. But at least she won’t have to feel guilty about agreeing to it.

  “The other thing is that I want you to move in with me – well – sort of, anyway,” I start.

  “Oh Sawyer, I do love you too, but I don’t think we’re there just yet,” she replies. “I don’t want to jump into –”

  “I didn’t mean with me, with me. I know we’re not there yet,” I protest. “What I meant to say was that the second condo unit I bought – the one r
ight next door to me? It’s yours.”

  “What do you mean, it’s mine?”

  I shrug. “Is there another definition I’m unaware of?” I grin. “I’m giving it to you. It’s fully furnished – and it’s got three bedrooms, so if you’re not comfortable with enrolling your father in Rose Hills yet, there’s plenty of room for him. And Nadia too, if you wish.”

  “I can’t take your condo –”

  “Correction, it’s already your condo. The paperwork and title transfer should be done and ready for you when you come back to work tomorrow.”

  She arches an eyebrow at me. “Always with the damn cape. That’s kind of presumptuous, isn’t it?”

  I shrug. “Maybe. If you don’t want to come back to Compass, I’d understand,” I tell her. “But I know you don’t have another job, and I also know you’re not the kind of woman who likes sitting idly by.”

  She grins and nods. “Yeah, that’s true,” she replies, looking up at me. “Why are you giving me your condo? I mean, I thought you were planning on spreading out.”

  I give her a small grin. “And I still may one day. Who knows?” I shrug. “But what I do know is that I want my son to live nearby. I don’t want him to be too far away.”

  She laughs. “There you go being presumptuous again,” she smirks. “It’s going to be a girl. A perfect, beautiful little girl.”

  I laugh and place my hand on her stomach gently. “Nope. That is a boy. I can feel it. That’s boy energy in there.”

  “I guess we’ll see then, won’t we?” she teases. “So you mean it? It’s going to be my place?”

  “All yours.”

  “So I can like – kick you out when I’m done with you?” she asks, her voice dripping with seduction.

  “Well – we’re going to have to talk about that,” I counter. “I may need to reserve special booty call rights.”

  We collapse into laughter together. We look into each other’s eyes for a long moment. I’m struck again by just how breathtakingly beautiful she is. I lean over and give her a quick peck on the lips and pull back, smiling at her.

  “So, are we okay?” I ask.

  She pulls on the ends of her hair and nods. “Yeah, we’re okay. Better than okay.”

  “Promise?”

  She laughs. “Swear it.”

  “Good,” I tell her. “Then I expect to see you back in the office tomorrow.”

  She snaps me a quick salute and laughs. “Aye, Aye, Captain.”

  I sit back and stare at her, unable to keep the smile off my face. Tonight has gone a hell of a lot better than I thought it would.

  “I have to say; I thought it would be a lot harder to convince you to give up your apartment,” I admit. “I figured you’d fight me tooth and nail on that.”

  She laughs. Her voice as warm, rich, and comforting as the cocoa in our cups.

  “Why would it be difficult?” she asks. “That place is a dump!”

  I scoff. “Still not as big of a dump as that shithole where the Mets play.”

  She squeals. “You are awful!”

  I nod. “I am. And you love me.”

  She looks into my eyes and holds my gaze firmly with hers. Berlin places her hand gently on my cheek, a small smile playing upon her lips.

  “I do,” she whispers. “I really do.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Berlin

  I let myself into the condo and drop my bag and keys on the long dark oak table beside the door. I still have trouble thinking of this place as mine. But it is. I signed the paperwork a couple of weeks ago and made this place officially mine. I must have read those papers a billion times, but it’s still all so unreal to me.

  I walk into a foyer that’s done in a white Italian marble and glance at myself in a large, round, antique mirror that’s ornately carved and absolutely beautiful. I give myself a smile, then walk down the short hallway that opens up into a large main room that has a dark oak hardwood floor and is gorgeously decorated. There is a sitting area with a deep and plush oversized cream-colored couch and loveseat set across from them, with an oval glass coffee table between them.

  The main room has an open floor plan. To the right is the kitchen, which has been appointed with top of the line appliances done in black and chrome, and a dining area dominated by an oak table that sits eight, and a large glass door that leads out to a balcony overlooking the city.

  I stand in the middle of the main room and turn in a circle, taking everything in, and can’t keep the smile off my face. I’m hit once again by a wave of disbelief over the fact that Sawyer just gave this place to me. Grateful doesn’t even begin to express what I feel right now, but who does that? Who just gives somebody a condo that has to be worth upwards of a million dollars? Even to somebody they care about.

  “I don’t see that smile on your face often enough.”

  Startled, I turn around to find Sawyer standing in the hallway that leads to bedrooms in the back of the condo. Wearing dark slacks and a dark button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, Sawyer is stylish but casual. He looks like he just stepped out of a men’s fashion catalog and has a roguish grin on his face that makes my heart skip a beat.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask.

  “I stopped by to check on your dad, actually,” he replies. “And to make sure Nurse Cooper has everything she needs.”

  Ever since I moved in, Sawyer has made it a point to stop by to check on my dad at least once a day. And over my objections, he also hired an in-home nursing staff to provide around the clock care and treatment for my dad while we prepare to set him up in Rose Hills. But I have to admit; it’s helped. My dad has had more good days than bad lately.

  I’m not naïve enough to think he’s going to get better – I know that’s not the way Alzheimer’s works. He’s going to continue fading until he’s gone. But with proper medical attention and daily treatments, it’s helping slow the ravages of the disease. It’s giving me more time with my dad, and for that, I am going to be eternally grateful to Sawyer.

  “How’s he doing today?” I ask.

  He smiles but gives me an ‘iffy’ hand gesture. “It’s not his best day, but it’s not his worst, either.”

  I step forward and wrap my arms around Sawyer, squeezing him tight. He strokes my hair and places a gentle kiss on the top of my head.

  “He’s asleep right now,” he says softly. “Nurse Cooper is with him.”

  I give him a gentle kiss and nuzzle myself against his neck, savoring the feeling of having his arms enveloping me, feeling completely engulfed by him. I feel so warm and so safe. As we stand there, I hear the front door close and footsteps echoing on the tile.

  Curious, I turn to see Nadia step into the main room. She smiles warmly at me and then shoots a frosty glare at Sawyer – she hasn’t quite forgiven him the way I have. She still holds him in some degree of contempt – or rather, she’s very cautious, given that she fully expects him to break my heart. I know that he would never, but still, I’m glad that she has my back.

  “Hey Cuz,” she greets me.

  “Hey Nadia,” I smile. “What are you doing here? Did I ask you to come sit with Dad?”

  She shakes her head. “No, not today.”

  “Sawyer,” she acknowledges him, her voice as frosty as her gaze.

  “Nice to see you again, Nadia,” he replies. “Thank you for coming. I really appreciate it.”

  I look from Sawyer to Nadia and back again. “What’s going on here?”

  Sawyer gives me a smile. “You and I are going away for the weekend.”

  “We can’t –”

  Nadia smiles. “Yes, you can. That’s why I’m here,” she grins at me. “So, go have fun. Enjoy yourself.”

  Saying I’m surprised feels like an understatement. But I also feel excited. This is the first time anybody has ever planned a long weekend away for me. It only adds to the fairy tale that’s been my life these last few months.

  “Are you sure, Nadia?” I
ask. “I mean –”

  “Of course. Go and have fun,” she says, then turns to Sawyer. “Bring her back in one piece, or I’ll kill you.” She means it, too.

  “I would expect no less,” he replies with a smile.

  * * *

  “This is amazing. I’ve never been anywhere as beautiful as this,” I marvel. “You really pulled out all the stops.”

  I’m standing before a floor to ceiling window that overlooks a valley. The view is absolutely breathtaking – I’ve never seen so much green before in my life. The valley seems to stretch on forever. There’s nothing but green trees all the way to the horizon.

  “I’ve been coming here since I was a kid,” he says. “I’ve always loved it up here.”

  I see his reflection in the window as he steps up behind me. Sawyer wraps his arms around me from behind and pulls me to him. He nuzzles my neck and plants a soft kiss on my skin. I turn around and clasp my hands behind his neck, pressing my mouth to his.

  Slowly, I pull back and look into his eyes. “Thank you, Sawyer,” I whisper. “This is incredible.”

  “I’m glad you approve,” he purrs. “I just thought we needed some time away. Time to ourselves.”

  “I think you’re right.”

  As amazing as things have been between us – we continue to grow closer by the day – there is still a slight disconnect. It’s unspoken, but it’s there, and I know it has to do with the baby. I know Sawyer still has some misgivings about the entire parenthood thing – but I also know he’s doing his best to work through them on his own. Outwardly, he seems okay with it most days. He even seems happy about starting a family with me.

  But the fact that he won’t talk about it with me, won’t make plans for the baby’s arrival with me, and still seems skittish whenever the subject comes up tells me he hasn’t quite managed to completely come to terms with it. Which is a problem. And it’s a problem that’s only going to grow and fester the longer it goes on unaddressed.

  But that’s for another day. It’s something we can deal with at a later point. This weekend is for us to reconnect. This weekend is about us and nothing more. And maybe, through that connection, we can somehow naturally bridge that unspoken gap between us. Maybe, as we grow together, as our hearts and minds grow ever more intertwined, Sawyer will feel comfortable enough to embrace our child wholeheartedly and without reservation.