Fear And Honor: A Time Travel Romance (The Lightwood Affair Book 2)

by M. S. Parker

  I made my way out of the depths of the boat, breathing in the fresh air gratefully the moment I stepped out onto the deck. I saw a few sailors milling about, but it was clear this wasn't a passenger vessel any more than it was a military one. I wasn't sure if that boded good or bad for me, but it was too late to change my mind.

  I stayed in the shadows as I took slow, deep draughts of the briny air, shivering at the chill. It was already dark, but not so much so that I thought it too late. The stars seemed to be only just coming out, the sky still holding that purplish hue that made me think it wasn't quite midnight yet. I'd slept longer than I realized. The fact that no one had noticed me meant that my little nook behind the barrels of provisions would be safe, at least for now. I wanted to wait at least until morning before I revealed myself to Gracen. He was going to be furious with me, but I knew it'd be better to do things that way rather than risk him finding out by accident.

  Once I’d breathed in as much fresh air as I could hold, I went back below, hoping I could still remain undiscovered until morning. As I settled myself back into the tight space, I told myself that no matter what Gracen thought, I needed to be with him. I could be a valuable asset, though my knowledge of what happened on the French side of things was limited to the name Lafayette. If nothing else, being at his side would give me peace of mind, and I'd argue that, in the long run, it'd be easier for him as well. After all, at least he could keep an eye on me in France and not wonder about what sorts of trouble I was getting myself into.

  I fell asleep to the sound of water lapping against the sides of the ship, my head full of the possibilities that awaited our arrival on French shores.

  I woke up at an unknown hour, my heart pounding, skin slick with sweat despite the chill. I couldn't remember what I'd dreamed, but the sense of fear and sorrow was unmistakable, as was the knowledge of who it was about.

  Gracen.

  I needed to see him. Needed to reassure myself that he was okay.

  It was dark, and I had no idea where I was going, but I tiptoed my way across the pitching floorboards. I didn't know if Gracen had a cabin or if he was sleeping with the crew, but my sleep-addled brain knew that there were only so many places he could be, so I'd find him eventually.

  To my surprise, after only a couple minutes, I almost stumbled over him as I tried to find the steps up to the deck. His hammock hung low from the ceiling, the only one in this part of the ship. Judging by the sounds and smells coming from somewhere to my right, some of the crew bunked down here too, but he was the only one I cared about.

  When it came to my husband, I had a bad habit of acting without thinking, and this time was no different. I leaned down and pressed my lips against his forehead. A moment later, he jerked awake, expression startled...then his eyes narrowed.

  “Honor?” he whispered as he sat up. “What are you doing here?”

  “I couldn’t do it,” I confessed, moving back so that he could stand.

  As soon as he was on his feet, he took my face in his hands, his eyes searching mine, as if waiting for me to admit that I’m crazy. “What were you thinking?”

  I tried not to be hurt by the harsh quality of his voice. “I was thinking that I didn't want to lose you.”

  “This is no place for you,” he said as if I hadn't even spoken. “On a ship, with a bunch of men, on our way to try to negotiate with people who may or may not support our cause. And if we make a single misstep, we could end up in prison...or worse.”

  I tried not to be insulted. “I have a bit of experience being surrounded by men...and holding my own, Gracen. I was a soldier, and a damn good one.”

  His jaw tightened, and if it wasn't for the concern I could see even in the dim light, I would've been pissed. As it was, I was still annoyed.

  “What am I going to do with you?” The question was quiet, but not soft.

  “Nothing,” I snapped. “This was clearly a mistake. So just ignore me, and I'll make my own way.”

  He glared at me. “Why are you making this so difficult?”

  “We planned to do this together from the start, and now that I'm here, you don't want me.”

  “I’m trying to protect you, Honor. Just because you were a soldier in your time does not mean you can be a soldier here and now.”

  I tried not to be offended by the fact that he didn’t want me with him. After all, I understood wanting to keep the person I loved safe. But, this was war, and if we were going to do what was right, we couldn't try to shelter each other. I did, however, need to accept that he felt responsible for me. It was part of being married, especially in a time where the traditional roles of husband and wife were the norm instead of something old-fashioned.

  I took a slow breath and softened my tone. “I know that you want to keep me safe, but I want us to do this together. Side by side. I feel that that’s how it’s meant to be. From the very first day. Isn’t it how we escaped from the enemy camp? Even from your father?”

  He sighed, reaching out to place his palm against the side of my face. “I wish you had listened to me. I knew you were safe there.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Safe? In a country that's at war?” A wave of insecurity washed over me, and I started to turn away. “If you just didn't want me to come with you–”

  His hand closed around my arm, and he pulled me around to face him again. “I always want you with me.”

  I kissed his chin, a smile playing on my lips. “I should still apologize.”

  He gave me a puzzled look that made me laugh, and I took his hand, pulling him after me as I led the way back to the corner where I'd been hiding. Since he clearly didn't have a private room, this would have to do, because I sure as hell wasn't waiting a month to give him a proper...apology.

  “Honor!” Gracen couldn't hold in his surprise as I pushed him against the wall and went down onto my knees in front of him. “What are you–?”

  The sentence ended on a groan as I palmed him through his pants. I looked up at him, watching his breathing quicken as I undid his breeches and reached inside. He made a strangled sound as I flicked my tongue across the tip of him. He was only half-hard, but I knew it wouldn't take much to get him all the way up. I hadn't asked him directly, but I was still pretty sure that blowjobs were a novelty.

  “Shh,” I murmured. “I'm going to need you to be very quiet, Mr. Lightwood.”

  I squeezed him hard enough to make him swear, but not so much that it would actually hurt.

  “Quieter than that,” I said. I ran my tongue around him, easing the friction my hand created. “Unless, of course, you want all of those sailors back there waking up and investigating.”

  I used my tongue on him a bit more, teasing, caressing. I let his head slip between my lips, felt him swell and thicken as I applied steady suction.

  “Honor,” he moaned my name, his hand dropping to my head, fingers tightening in my hair.

  I let his cock slide from my mouth with a near-obscene sound. “Do you want them to look over here?” I asked as I kept my hand moving. “See you with your cock in someone's mouth? I'd love to watch you explain this to them.”

  “I want...”

  Even in the darkness, I could see the heat suffuse his face.

  “What do you want, my love?” I used his term of endearment. “Tell me what you want.”

  “Your mouth. Please, Honor.”

  The moment I took him back into my mouth, his head fell back against the wall with a thunk. As much as I would've liked to torture him, drag it out until he was begging for release, I knew that would've been taking the risk too far.

  So I used every trick I knew to take him straight to climax, ignoring the sting in my scalp as he pulled my hair. His thigh muscles bunched and jumped under my hands, and I could tell he was fighting the urge to move. I promised myself that, one day, I'd talk him into being a little rougher with my mouth, but for now, I knew he was close. He gasped out a warning, but I didn't pull back.

  The salty tang coa
ted my taste buds, and I swallowed every drop, continuing to stroke his shaft until he shuddered, his body telling me it was enough. I sat back on my heels and looked up, wondering if he could understand that I'd meant what I said. That what I'd done had been an apology.

  He held out a hand, helped me to my feet, and crushed his mouth against mine. And I knew I'd been forgiven.

  Chapter 15

  For the most part, the other men aboard the ship ignored me, though they hadn't been happy to see a woman onboard when Gracen had taken me to meet the captain. He'd been pissed too, but Gracen had handed over his father's pocket watch to pay for my passage, and that'd been enough from the captain. Unfortunately, the loss of the watch renewed the friction between us, and I found myself spending most of my time either alone, or in the galley, helping the sailor who was attempting to be a cook.

  “Gracen is a lucky man,” one of the men said as he took the bowl of stew I made. “To have his woman here with him.”

  “And a beautiful woman at that,” another sailor added in.

  “If I had someone like her waiting for me, I don't think I'd be making this run every bloody time,” the first man spoke again.

  I couldn't suppress my small smile. We'd been on the ship for three weeks, and while I knew names, I hadn't gone out of my way to make friends. I wanted to make as few waves as possible.

  More sounds of agreement came from the other sailors, most of which centered around how good my cooking was. I could also hear the quieter comments regarding some other “benefits” of having a wife nearby.

  Not that Gracen had been taking advantage of those particular benefits. I forced myself not to look at him during the meal, unsure if I'd be able to handle disappointment or embarrassment, or any negative emotion, in his eyes. The distance hurt, but at least I was with him.

  Now I just had to figure out how to be with him, or this was going to be the most uncomfortable vacation ever.

  The captain had been insistent that Gracen and I take his quarters. Small as they were, they had a bed and, more importantly, a door. A part of me wondered if Gracen had considered declining the offer just so he wouldn't have to be in the same space with me, but I wasn't completely oblivious to the admiring looks I'd been getting from most of the men...including the captain. The fact that Gracen hadn't even hesitated to accept staying with me despite the tension between us told me that he hadn't missed it either.

  What none of the crew knew, however, was that even though Gracen and I had been sharing a cabin, we hadn't been sharing a bed. Every night, he waited for hours after I'd turned in, then came into the room and laid down on the floor. I could've confronted him, but I'd taken the initiative once, and I wasn't sure he'd want me to do it again. I knew his relationship with his father had never been great, but Roston was still his father, and that watch hadn't just been about a father and son. It was an heirloom, passed down in the Lightwood family.

  And I cost him that.

  After almost three weeks, however, I decided I'd waited long enough. I couldn't stand us not being close. In this time and place, I didn't have anyone else. He wasn't just my lover and husband. He was also the only person I could truly be myself with. We were supposed to share our lives, our burdens, and if we were going to do what Washington had sent us to do, then we needed to get our relationship back on track.

  The cabin had a single small window placed up high on the wall. While it didn't offer much of a view, on a clear night, it did allow for enough light to see by, so I was able to move from the bed down to the floor without any trouble. Gracen's back was to me, but I knew he was awake.

  “Look at me,” I murmured. “Gracen, we can't keep going on like this.”

  For several long seconds, I thought he was going to ignore me, but then he rolled onto his back and looked up at me, his expression unreadable. I brushed hair back from his face, my throat closing up as a wave of love washed over me.

  “I miss you.” My thumb touched the corner of his mouth, then traced around his lower lip. “Please don't keep pushing me away. I can't stand it.”

  He reached up and caught my hand. My breath caught in my throat as he kissed the palm. His other hand curled around the back of my neck, and he pulled me down until our mouths met. Hot, urgent, the kiss was all I needed to know that he still wanted me. There were still things that needed to be said, but for right now, the physical demand was the more pressing matter.

  I moved over him, never taking my lips from his. He grasped my hips, grinding me down on him until I shuddered. I shifted, raising up high enough to get my hands between us. When I wrapped my fingers around his erection, he bit my bottom lip hard enough to make my eyes water.

  I dug my nails into his chest as I pushed up, balancing myself as I shoved my shift out of the way. I was wet, though not nearly enough for easy penetration. But I hadn't had anything inside me for weeks, and I couldn't wait any longer.

  I cursed as I lowered myself onto him, eyes closing, head falling forward. I bit my own lip, latching onto the same tender spot he'd bruised. The sting from my mouth was nothing compared to the pain of stretching too fast, but I didn't even consider slowing down. This wasn't Bruce being in a rush to find his own release, selfishly putting his own needs before mine.

  Gracen hadn't said a word, but I could feel the hunger in his touch, in how hard and thick he was inside me. He groaned as I took the last of him into me, a shudder running through my entire body as I adjusted to the intrusion. I couldn't move, could barely breathe. The motion of the ship caused me to rock against him, and the sensation was almost too much.

  I opened my eyes to find him watching me, eyes dark with desire. I began to move, my gaze locked with his. The friction increased my arousal, giving me the lubrication I needed for pleasure to overtake pain. It didn't, however, lessen the intensity of what I was feeling.

  His hands were hot as they slid up my legs, moving under my shift to first cup my ass, then one slipping to the front, fingers unerringly finding that most sensitive spot. Once he started to put pressure on it, I knew I wouldn't last long. He sat up, catching me against him, helping me move. Our harsh breathing was loud in the cabin, mingling with the sound of my blood rushing in my ears. I'd pushed myself too fast, too hard, and my climax hit me hard enough to make me cry out, half pleasure, half something else that I couldn't put a name to.

  He followed me seconds later, groaning as he emptied himself inside me. We stayed like that, frozen together in the most intimate of embraces, for what felt like a lifetime, then collapsed onto the floor, me with my head against Gracen’s heart. My skin tingled as he slowly ran his fingers along the back of my neck, occasionally dipping down below my neckline to follow my spine.

  “Did you miss me at all?” I asked the question even though I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer.

  “Of course I did.” He sounded surprised that he even had to say it.

  “Then why are you keeping me at arm’s length?” I propped myself up so I could look at him, shifting so that he slipped out of me. “I’m right here with you. I’m your wife, but I'm also an American, so I know better than anyone what's hanging in the balance here. I don’t want to fight anymore, let’s just do this together.”

  Gracen was quiet for a few moments, but it wasn’t the tense silence that had permeated our existence recently. It was the thoughtful kind that ensued when he was actually considering my position.

  Finally, he spoke, “I swear to you, Honor, the only reason I wanted you to stay behind was because I feared for your safety. I have already lost a wife and the family we might have had. I do not know that I could survive losing you. I used my father's watch and my frustration at you stowing away as excuses to hide from the truth.” He brushed his lips across mine. “I won't do it again.”

  The knot in my chest eased. “There’s no guarantee that any of us will be around tomorrow. I’ve learned that life is too precious to waste on trifles, and I want to spend every moment I possibly can with you, no
matter how dangerous it is. I couldn't bear to lose you either.”

  His arms tightened around me, and I knew that we were okay again. I could put up with anything, I knew, if he was at my side. I could only hope that what lay ahead wouldn't put that to the test.

  Less than two days after Gracen and I had patched things up between us, a storm hit. Not one of the little squalls that we'd gone through a few days after we'd sailed, but a full-on storm that made the ship list and tilt dangerously. The sea relentlessly flung heaps of water onto the deck, drenching everything and everyone. After the first day, nothing was dry.

  By the second day, I'd been assigned the task of heaving water over the side of the boat with a wooden bucket alongside a slew of other men. The water reentered so rapidly that we hardly made a dent, but I told myself that I was out of my element, and I needed to do what the captain said.

  The movement became monotonous, and the world narrowed down to the cold seeping into my bones, the ache in my muscles. It felt as if I’d been tossing water over the side of the boat for ages when the wave of nausea that had been tumbling in my stomach all day hit its peak.

  Don’t you dare do this now. Hold it together–

  I dropped my bucket and dove for the railing. I coughed and sputtered, emptying what little was in my stomach. The wood was slick under my hands, and my feet skidded on the deck. Suddenly, I felt someone grab me from behind before the next pitch of the ship sent me overboard.

  I grasped Gracen’s shoulders as I turned around. He held me tight, his pale face inches from mine.

  “What are you doing out here?! I told you to stay in the cabin.”

  In spite of the situation, I laughed. “I would've thrown up in there too. The captain said this would help.”