by Calia Read
I felt his heart beating violently.
His head dropped onto my shoulder. I heard him say again against my skin, “God, I love you.” I curled my fingers into his hair.
He held me because I couldn’t move. I felt like a rag doll. My legs and arms still dangling around him.
When my heartbeat started to slow, he finally released me. My feet touched the ground. I stumbled a few steps away, like I had forgotten how to walk.
I fixed my clothes and the whole time Lachlan stood perfectly still. His chest heaved and his head rested against the tree.
I slid the last button in place and swallowed. “Please don’t tell me you regret it,” I said tentatively.
His eyes closed as if he was in pain. He straightened and tossed the condom off and buttoned up his pants. He finally saw his wallet on the ground. He frowned at it like he had no idea how it got there.
“I probably should, shouldn’t I? But I can’t.” He pointed to where the two of us had been entwined. “I’ll never regret that.”
“Then why do you look like that?”
He grabbed his shirt and put it on with quick, angry jerks. It slid in place and he stared at me with shock.
“I’m not finished!” He exploded.
I stopped in my tracks, my eyes wide.
“You’re leaving here and I’m so fucking proud of you,” he whispered. “But if tonight showed me anything, it’s that I love you and I’m never going to get you out of my system.”
My lips parted but I didn’t say a thing. I was still reeling from his words. I love you coming from Lachlan would never get old. Those three words sent a jolt through my body.
He laughed humorlessly. “I don’t want to let you go.”
I didn’t want him to let me go. I wanted to stay beside him for the rest of my life. I didn’t tell him how I felt though. That small voice in my head whispered to me, telling me that the minute I said what I wanted, it would never come true.
I walked over to him, my arms wrapping around his waist. My face was bent, looking up at him. He leaned down, his lips moving slowly over mine. Everything I didn’t say, I poured into that kiss. Lachlan responded back, holding me so tightly I could barely breathe.
I pulled back first.
“We should get back,” I said with regret.
I held out my hand. He grabbed it, swallowing it within his own. I always had to keep up with his long strides, but tonight he walked slowly. The grass crunched underneath our feet.
“I’m nervous,” I said.
“About leaving McLean?”
“About leaving you. McLean. Everything I know,” I admitted.
He squeezed my hand. “Don’t worry, you’re gonna be fine.”
“I don’t know if it’s normal to feel this nervous.”
“You’re starting a new chapter, of course it’s normal.”
I wanted to ask him if he would visit me.
I was afraid to be somewhere without him. Even when he was away from McLean, I still had the comfort of the treehouse and the memories of us. If I left, I was afraid my memories would stay behind.
His house came into sight. The lights were on and I saw shadows moving within. My grip tightened. I wasn’t ready for him to go. “Have you seen your parents yet?”
“Just for a second. I dropped my bags off and came to you.”
I smiled. I was his first priority.
We reached the tall oak tree. Both of us stared up at the treehouse. Throughout the years Lachlan’s dad had replaced rotted out boards, but the years were starting to take their toll.
Something was so final about tonight. It felt like I was closing a chapter of my childhood. No more late nights, sitting in the treehouse and spilling my heart out to Lachlan.
The wind picked up. I blamed it for the tears in my eyes.
“Lachlan?” his mom said.
Lachlan shot me a look. We didn’t want tonight to end and we definitely didn’t want someone else interrupting us.
Lachlan let go of my hand. “Stay,” he mouthed before he walked up to the deck. I stood behind the oak tree, like an escapee. I peeked and watched Lachlan and Magy.
“Mama,” he greeted.
The two of them hugged and she gave him a kiss on the cheek before she pulled back to look at him.
I loved the way Magy Halstead loved her son. It shined in her eyes and the way she talked to him. She was a small woman that came up to Lachlan’s shoulders. Even though she was small, she was fierce. No one went up against her.
Every time I saw her, she always said hi, but she would look at me very carefully, like she could see past my eyes to what was really inside of me.
It always scared the shit out of me.
“Your dad said your flight landed hours ago,” Magy said. “Where have you been?”
“I was with Naomi.”
Magy said nothing. I watched as her lips thinned in disapproval. “How is she?” she asked tightly.
“Good.” Lachlan crossed his arms and leaned back against the railing. “She’s leaving for college soon.”
“That’s great,” she murmured.
Great for Magy, maybe.
“Of course,” Lachlan said. “I’m really proud of her.”
The two of them were silent. Magy stared out before she walked over to him and mimicked her son’s actions.
“I remember how she would always be up in the treehouse, always creating stories about getting away.”
Lachlan looked over at his mom. “You heard all that?”
“Of course. My bedroom window was open in the summer. I always heard you two.”
Lachlan grinned. I tapped my head against the tree and grimaced with embarrassment.
“You didn’t think she would get out of McLean?”
“I had my doubts,” she said honestly.
I watched Lachlan’s shoulders stiffen.
“Why?” he said.
“Lachlan…” she sighed. “I don’t know if she can stay that far from you. From the minute she saw you she instantly had a crush on you that’s grown into love and a level of attachment that sometimes makes me wonder.”
Lachlan stood straighter. His head tilted imperceptibly in my direction. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Magy looked at her son carefully. “And I think somehow along the way she got ahold of you.” She reached out and tapped her hand on Lachlan’s chest, right where his heart beats. “She still has a piece of you.”
He didn’t lie or make up excuses. He faced his mom and said in a deep and steady voice, “I love her.”
She didn’t argue or try to prove Lachlan wrong. Instead, she nodded and pursed her lips in thought.
“Describe it to me,” she said suddenly. “Describe your love for her.”
“Mama…” Lachlan said. Magy wouldn’t budge. She stood there, waiting for her son to answer. “What you’re asking me to describe… I can’t. It’s like asking me to describe fresh water. I need it to live. I need her to live.”
Magy took a deep breath. “I like Naomi,” she said casually.
I wanted to snort. Even Lachlan looked at his mom skeptically.
“I do,” she insisted. “But this has nothing to do with liking her. It’s the fact that she has a level of need for you that is so intense and powerful that nothing can shake it. I just don’t think you realize how much of yourself you’ll have to give to be with her.”
“Why are you saying this?”
Magy was silent. She crossed her arms and leaned against the rail. “When you really love someone… you’re in it for life. It’s so easy to use that four-letter word at the beginning, where everything is so simple and perfect. If Naomi loves you like I think she does, then you need to be there no matter what. Her happiness, fear, and pain—even her thoughts—become yours and you need to do everything to make sure it stays that way.”
My eyes widened, completely shocked that Magy Halstead had just uttered those words.
“I’m not going to run,” La
chlan vowed.
“Good.” As an afterthought she added, “Don’t let her down.”
“I won’t.”
Her lips pulled up at the corners and she hugged Lachlan. “Good to have you home, honey.” Before she turned away, she looked over Lachlan’s shoulder, and directly at me.
I stood there, just waiting for her to call out my name. But she turned and walked inside.
The door clicked shut.
Lachlan was frozen, like he was carved from stone. I came out from my hiding place and walked toward him. He stared out into the fields with a faraway look in his eyes. I stood next to him and rested my head against his arm.
“I know you heard,” he said.
“Every single word.”
He looked at me with regret. “My mom, she was just—”
“Being a mom,” I finished for him. “She was right in everything she said.”
He looked at me thoughtfully and said very quietly, “I do love you.”
I smiled faintly. “I love you too… but love doesn’t solve everything. So where do we go from here?”
Lachlan closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I can’t ask you to stay in McLean. You deserve to get away and have that college experience…” He let his words linger. And I hoped that whatever he said next wouldn’t tear my heart to shreds.
“So you’re going to go off to college, and I’m going to be here, waiting.”
“In Mclean?”
Lachlan nodded. “After my internship, I was only supposed to be in Pittsburgh for a year. That year is almost over with and then I’ll come back home.”
I knew that. I just didn’t know the part about McLean. I laughed at the irony. The world was playing a cruel joke on the two of us. Right when we decide to give this—us—a try, one of us had to leave.
My laughter died and my heart ached. I stared at him with a look of devastation. He opened his arms and I walked into his embrace willingly.
“I promise,” he whispered into my ear, “I’ll be here.”
Late Sunday night, Lachlan drops me back off at Fairfax. We sit in his car, right outside of the front doors. I stare down at my hands, not wanting to go inside.
This weekend has been exhilarating; a breath of fresh air for me that I didn’t think I would ever have. It was ending too quickly. It felt like Lachlan was just picking me up for the weekend only a few minutes ago.
“I don’t want to do this,” Lachlan mutters.
My hands are shaking. I bite down on my lower lip and try my hardest not to cry.
“This was good for you, right?” Lachlan pivots in his seat and it causes his scent to drift over me. My resolve crumbles. A tear slides down my cheek. “Getting away was nice?” he says.
“I loved every second,” I whisper brokenly.
“So did I.” Lachlan leans closer, reaches out and grabs my hand. “I need you to go back in there and get better. You have no idea how bad I want to drive away right now with you in the car. Last night I thought about where we could go. Maybe go all the way to Maine. Or Florida?” He smiles. “But I could never finish the thought. I’d be too fucking selfish to take you away right now. I know you can do this. Okay?”
“What if I can’t?” My voice breaks. “What if I’m really fading away and there’s nothing left of me?”
“Impossible.” He wraps his hand around the back of my neck. Our foreheads touch and our eyes are inches apart. “Someone can only fade away if there’s nothing left for them. But there’s me and you. We’ll always be something strong enough to keep you going.”
Tears fell from my face and onto the leather of the seat. Lachlan didn’t brush them away and I didn’t want him to brush them away.
I dry my face with the back of my hand and sniffle. I look over at Fairfax with dread. “The last two days I actually felt normal. I want to always feel that way.”
“You’re going to feel that way again. Really soon.”
Lachlan pulls me back into a tight hug. This is the last one. It’s the good-bye hug that I’ve been dreading all day. His grip is tight and it’s like he’s hoping he can press the pieces of my life back together.
I wish he could. I wish it were that simple.
I pull away first and grab the door handle before the second round of tears come. Before I get out and walk away, I kiss Lachlan hard on the lips. My eyes squeeze shut and I grip his shirt. I let my lips linger for a few seconds before I rip myself away.
I jump out of the car and grab my bag. The bitter air makes the warm tears pooling at the edge of my eyes frigid, like a frozen icicle. I think of that icicle on the tree, my icicle, and it gives me enough strength to trudge forward and not look over my shoulder.
Back to hell I go.
“Did you have a fun weekend?”
“I did,” I say, as I close her office door.
Thankfully, she doesn’t ask what I did. I wouldn’t have told. I sit down across from her.
Dr. Rutledge smiles. “I can tell. You look… refreshed.”
“I feel refreshed,” I admit. I turn my head and stare out of the window. It snowed overnight and now there’s a fresh blanket of snow over the land.
“I know you miss him.”
I stare at Dr. Rutledge. Right now, I want to lean forward and ask her who do I miss… Lachlan or Max? Because my heart misses both of them. It is slowly ripping, straight down the middle and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I knew that after I came back to Fairfax I would have to explain the rest of my story. I didn’t sleep last night because of it. I didn’t see Lana’s dad in my room. I just replayed everything I’ve told Rutledge and the small piece that was left to tell. I don’t know if I’m ready.
Dr. Rutledge opens her notebook and grabs a pen and leans back in her chair. Her lips pull up into a smile. “Are you ready?”
“To tell you the rest of my story?”
She nods.
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
She lays her pen back down. “What are you thinking, Naomi?”
“That I’ve never gotten this far in telling my story.”
“Does that scare you?”
I shrug. “Maybe.”
“I think I would be scared too.” She rests her chin on her palm and drums her fingers against her cheek, staring down at her desk thoughtfully. “Having to hold all this to yourself is a large burden to carry. To give it all up would be even harder.”
Hesitantly, I nod, unsure what to do or say.
“We don’t have to do this today,” Dr. Rutledge says. “We can go at your pace. I’m happy with the progress you’ve made.”
So am I. All my progress took long enough but at least it’s happening. I know Dr. Rutledge is right. I know that giving it all up is hard, but it’s what is after my story—the unknown—that is much scarier to me. I feel like I’ve reached an impasse.
I rub my damp palms against the material of my sweat pants, until I create a friction that makes my skin tingle. Yesterday, Lachlan told me to be strong.
Be strong, be strong, be strong. I whisper over and over to myself until I finally look up at Dr. Rutledge and lift my chin, in what I hope shows my determination.
“I can keep going,” I finally say.
Dr. Rutledge tilts her head, staring. “Are you sure?”
I nod briskly. “I will tell you the rest.”
It was raining. Hundreds of raindrops beaded on the window and dripped down slowly like tears. The red stoplight shone through my windshield and onto my face. I rested my forehead against the cold window and looked out at the street. Right across from me, placed on a newspaper stand was another article with Max on the front page.
He was released on bail over a month ago and it was still an ongoing scandal in McLean. Clients had left his family’s company and their good name was dragged through the mud. Everyone has their own thoughts and speculation. The majority believes it’s true and say they aren’t surprised. A smaller lot are baffled; shocked tha
t Max would ever do such a scandalous thing. But they all have one thing in common: none have reached out to Max or defended him.
The light turned green and I quickly sped away, my tires hissing on the wet pavement. I drove out of McLean and when I pulled into my family’s driveway, I did a quick sweep to make sure no one was home. I didn’t resume college like I was supposed to in August. I told myself that I was just taking a semester off and when everything with Max and Lana died down, I would go back. That didn’t sit well with my parents. They looked at me with disappointment in their eyes. Every time they talked to me, their words were heavy and it was impossible not to hear the accusation in their voices. I was failing and to them that just wasn’t an option.
It was a strange feeling, knowing that I was disappointing them. It had happened in the past, but all my past failures were made up in due time. I didn’t know how to fix this failure, short of going back to school. Everything felt like it was a mess and I was slowly sinking.
Before I got out of my car, I quickly typed out a message to Max that I was going to change real quick and then I would meet him at his house. I held my purse over my head as I ran to the back door. Dozens of birds flew above me. I looked up at them. They formed a sharp V. I watched as they drifted further away, looking like little black dots. I wished I could toss all my problems up and have the birds take them away.
I snorted at my ridiculous thought and glanced at the long stretch of land and trees around me. Nestled within those trees was my cottage. The roof was probably covered by wet leaves the shade of burnt orange and red. Summer disappeared for good a few weeks ago. It took the hot sunny days and bright colors with it, and left the world with falling leaves, cloudy skies, frost-tipped grass, and chilly days. It also took my optimistic spirit and gave me confusion and pain.
But the cottage hadn’t changed. It still held some memories that nothing and no one could take away from me. If I closed my eyes I would remember the way Lachlan had held me and looked at me a year ago. How he had told me he loved me and the way it made me feel like everything would be okay. I wanted that feeling back.