Flick

by Geraldine Meade

  Of course it’s easier said than done and when Kev comes in at six instead of Mam and Dad, who are back talking to the doc, things take a nosedive. He stares out at the black clouds, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. His mood, like the day, has changed.

  ‘Do you mind not saying to Fee that I’m here?’ I ask. He nods. ‘Just say they’re keeping me in for a few more days and I’ll see her when I get home.’

  ‘Sure,’ he agrees.

  ‘So, aren’t you going to say anything?’ I ask after a minute.

  He shrugs but doesn’t turn around. ‘Mam says I’m to talk about nice, happy things like the weather, which, as you can see is crap, or football, which is also crap, or … well, honestly I can’t think of one other thing to say.’ After a minute he pulls back the chair and slumps into it. ‘Can I ask you something?’

  A million probable questions race through my head.

  ‘Why did you do it?’

  I shrug.

  ‘I don’t think you know what you’ve done to Mam and Dad,’ he persists, annoyed by my attitude. ‘They blame themselves, you know. They think it’s their fault, that they’re not good parents, that they’re working too much and aren’t around for you more, that they didn’t see the signs.’

  I bite my lip but say nothing.

  ‘Aren’t you going to say anything?’ he asks.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘I wish it had worked.’

  Anger flashes across his face. ‘When the hell did you become such a selfish cow?’ he snaps.

  ‘Me?’ I say, shocked by his sudden outburst. ‘Me? A selfish cow? I know it would be better for everyone if I wasn’t around; that’s why I did it, you ass. Anyway you’re just peeved that all this has ruined your romantic weekend with Fee.’

  ‘Don’t be so stupid,’ he snaps, ‘you haven’t ruined my bloody weekend, you’ve just ruined everything for Mam and Dad.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know what you’re so worried about; it’s not like you’re going to be around. You don’t come home for months on end and when you bloody well do you bring Becks with you and barely speak to any of us. Why the hell did you have to bring her anyway?’

  ‘What the hell are you talking about?’ he asks. ‘What has she got to do with anything?’

  ‘And the only damn reason you’re home now is because of Fee so don’t go calling me a selfish cow.’

  I can see his nostrils flaring, his cheeks bright red, his eyes glinting with anger. But I continue to rant. ‘You’re just so pathetic the way you get so obsessed with every girl you go out with,’ I say. ‘That night after the match, you ignored me from the minute you saw Fee and left me stuck with Mike.’

  ‘What are you talking about? I thought you liked Mike. You had a great night, and when we got back to the house I tried to look after you but you insisted on sleeping on the sofa. You were so out of it anyway I couldn’t –’

  ‘Exactly Kev, I was totally out of it and you left me with him so he could do whatever he wanted,’ I say, tears pricking my eyes.

  A confused look sweeps across his face. ‘I thought you liked him. I thought that’s what you wanted. Fee said that you were big into him and –’

  ‘Yeah, well, I wasn’t,’ I interrupt again. ‘I hate the creep; he was only interested in one thing.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ he says.

  I shake my head and sniff back the tears.

  ‘What the hell happened, Flick? What did he do?’

  Shut up, Flick, don’t say another word, I think. You’ll regret it. Don’t tell anyone and it’ll all go away. Ignore it, pretend that it didn’t ever happen, you’ll be better off! He’ll deny it anyway and you’ll look like a fool, so just shut up! The tears are streaming down my face.

  ‘I tried to tell Fee that I didn’t want to see him or talk to him again,’ I continue, ‘but she was planning for him to come with you, promising that we’d have a great night,’ I whimper. ‘I didn’t want –’

  The door swings open in a wide arc and I stop abruptly. A tall, dark-haired doctor stands there.

  ‘Are you all right, Felicity?’ she asks.

  ‘Uh, yeah,’ I sniff, quickly drying my eyes.

  She turns her icy stare on Kev. ‘Excuse me, but may I see you outside for just a moment?’

  ‘Sure,’ Kev gulps and looks quickly towards me before heading out the door.

  Damn, I think, the moment he’s gone, what the hell have I said? I sit on the bed and curse myself for being so stupid. All the while I’m thinking what I’ll say when he does come back, how to get out of it, but after twenty minutes my head is fried and I’m fed up waiting. I’ve just turned on the TV when the door opens. Instead of Kevin, the doctor has returned.

  ‘Hello again, Felicity,’ she says, walking towards me. ‘I’m Doctor Rodgerie and I’m a psychotherapist. I’m going to be helping you over the next few weeks.’

  ‘Hi,’ I say distractedly, looking over her shoulder to see where Kev is.

  ‘I sent your brother home. I think he needs to calm down and I think you need a little space as well.’

  ‘Oh,’ I say, surprised. She sits on the edge of the bed. Damn, I think, she’s going to be here a while. She talks for ages, telling me about herself and what she does and what she wants me to do, like talk about stuff. I sit and listen and don’t say anything.

  Eventually she stands and opens the door. ‘We’ll chat again tomorrow. In the meantime, try and get some rest.’

  CHAPTER 22

  My time in the psych ward feels like for ever. It’s also scary as not only do I have more nightmares about Mike but I have a few about the other patients in here as well. So by half eight on Friday morning I’m dying to get the hell out of the place. I’m out in the loo, washing my hands when I hear Mam and Dad on the corridor near the nurses station, chatting to Dr Rodge (which is what I’ve now decided to call her).

  ‘I just don’t know what we’re supposed to do.’ Mam says in this worried voice. ‘What if it happens again? How can I ever leave her on her own? Or go anywhere?’ She rambles on, not waiting for answers. ‘I found an old monitor – you know, like a baby alarm – in the garage yesterday but I’m sure she’ll go hysterical if I set it up … and I’ve tried to take everything dangerous out of the house, or hide them at least – knives, tablets, razors, detergents, alcohol – and I know there’re so many things that I’ve forgotten about. Can you think of anything else that I should get rid of?’ she asks. ‘What about the mirrors or clothes hangers?’

  Clothes hangers? I think.

  ‘Clothes hangers?’ Dad asks curiously.

  ‘Well, you never know what people will try to harm themselves with,’ she snaps. ‘Oh my God, I never thought of the string on the blinds in her room and Jack, I really think you’re going to have to nail her room windows shut when we get home; she’d never survive a fall from an upstairs room.’

  I lean against the wall and roll my eyes. Mam has finally lost it. Dad’s going to love living with two crazies in the house!

  ‘You have to stop fretting love; it’s going to be all right,’ he reassures her.

  ‘No, it’s not,’ she snaps, before turning back to the doc. ‘Should I check on her at night?’ she asks. ‘Should we try to talk to her about it all? Or just pretend it never happened? Maybe I should sleep in her room with her? I’ve taken time off work so –’

  ‘Cathy,’ Dr Rodge interrupts, trying to soothe Mam, ‘I know this is really difficult for you; I know you’re extremely worried; I know you’ll do anything you can to protect Felicity, but you have to relax a little. You’re stressed and that’s not good for you or her. Try to get back into a normal routine.’

  ‘Normal? There’s nothing normal about this.’

  ‘I know how you feel,’ the doc replies.

  ‘Do you?’ Mam asks. ‘Has your daughter tried to kill herself too?’ I close my eyes and cringe as I hear Mam’s harsh words.

  ‘No,’ she replies ever so quietly, ‘but I have worked
with a lot of families that have gone through what you’re going through.’

  ‘I think Cathy … and I are finding this very difficult,’ Dad says, ‘and we want to do everything we can to make sure it never happens again. I suppose we’re just so on edge at the moment,’ he explains apologetically.

  ‘I understand. Why don’t we go into the office?’ she suggests. ‘We can talk some more there.’ They walk a few steps down the corridor and Dr Rodge starts telling them about our sessions and how they’ll continue in her private clinic in town over the coming weeks. ‘Talk to Felicity,’ she continues. ‘Try to see her as the girl she was. You can’t treat her with kid gloves or stick to her like glue; you just have to be there to support her. You have to trust her.’

  ‘How the hell can I trust her?’ Mam interrupts hysterically. ‘I’m having nightmares about the terrible things she could do to herself. I’m just worn out worrying and she’s not even home yet. Maybe she should stay here a little longer, just until we’re ready for her.’

  ‘Cathy, hon, it’s OK,’ Dad says. ‘We’re bringing Felicity home and we’re going to get through this; I know we will.’

  Mam doesn’t respond.

  ‘There are twenty-four hour call lines,’ the doc continues. ‘They’re not just for people who are depressed and suicidal; they’re for their families as well.’

  ‘That other doctor was right,’ Mam sniffles, ‘I’m not qualified to do this; I don’t have a clue.’

  ‘You and your husband are probably the most qualified,’ she says, ‘you’re her parents.’

  Mam isn’t convinced.

  ‘And what do I tell the principal at her school? Her teachers? Our friends and relatives? I’ve been avoiding everyone and I know Felicity certainly won’t want people to know what’s happened. Do I let her back to school or should I keep her home? And for how long?’ she raves. ‘What are the signs that she’s going downhill? How will I spot them? I didn’t even know there was a problem the last time.’

  ‘Let’s go to the office,’ Dr Rodge repeats as she steers Mam and Dad down the corridor. ‘We’ve got some paperwork to fill out before Felicity goes home and I can answer all your questions there.’ Their voices become fainter as they walk away until finally there’s silence.

  CHAPTER 23

  ‘Have you taken your vitamins and folic acid?’ Mam asks the minute I appear for breakfast the next morning.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say.

  ‘And the St. John’s Wort?’

  ‘Yes,’ I say again, plonking myself down and grabbing some toast. Mam and Dad insisted that I wasn’t going on any of that medication for depression.

  ‘I looked it up,’ Dad said; ‘it takes weeks before it has any real effect on the patient and there are way too many side effects.’ Hence all this herbal stuff and vitamins.

  ‘And how did you sleep?’ Mam persists.

  ‘Fine,’ I say, rolling my eyes. I mean, she must know; she checked on me at least twenty times.

  ‘You should get out for a good walk as well,’ Dad says. ‘Exercise is so good for –’ He stops. ‘Well, for everyone, really.’

  ‘And you’ve been stuck in that hospital for so long,’ Mam adds.

  ‘Fine,’ I say again, having no intention of it. When she starts talking about her sister’s wedding, which is months away, I make my escape, back to my room where I lie on the bed and think through all of the things I need to sort out.

  1) Being pregnant – I’m not! Yippee!

  2) Picking up some STD from Mike – that virus thingy is gone and there’s no way I’m ever going back to that clinic to get the results or do those other tests anyway so I might as well just forget about it.

  3) Thinking about what Mike did to me – I’m never going to see the jerk again so I just have to get over it and try to forget about it … starting from now.

  4) Getting Fee off my back about Mike – go out with someone else or tell Kev to tell Fee that Mike is going out with someone else or threaten never to speak to her if she ever mentions his name again.

  5) Sorting things out with Kar – apologise again for being with that creep, Mike, and swear I’ll never be with Ryan.

  6) Everyone knowing about me trying to commit suicide and failing … miserably – only two people outside the family know at the moment: Kar and Fee. So I just have to persuade them to keep quiet. And what are friends for other than keeping secrets and covering up?

  7) The picture of me kissing a girl … the picture of me kissing a girl – damn, damn, damn, this is where I always get stuck. Everything I think of sounds stupid and made up; It was a long lost cousin, a dare … Agh! I have to think of something, fast!

  CHAPTER 24

  At ten to four on Monday we’re sitting outside the counsellor ’s office block, waiting. It’s lashing rain outside.

  ‘I’m going to run for it,’ I say. Mam’s about to protest and is grabbing the umbrella when I jump out and bang the car door closed. With my head down I race towards the large glass doors in front of me. They open automatically and without looking I run straight through them and into her. We both rebound and I instinctively grab her arm.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I gush as I steady myself and let go of her. ‘I was trying to get in out of the rain and I – ’ I look towards her and stop talking.

  ‘No worries,’ she says, her large brown eyes staring back at me. ‘I really wasn’t looking where I was going either.’

  Then Mam’s there behind me. ‘Is everything OK, Felicity?’ she asks.

  ‘Uh, yeah, sure.’

  ‘Hi.’ Mam smiles at the girl before turning back to me. ‘Is this one of your school friends?’ she asks, thinking we know each other.

  ‘No,’ I say, ‘we … I just bumped into her.’

  ‘Oh, are you both OK? Felicity, you really need to be more careful. I wish you had waited while I got the umbrella.’ She gives the girl a quick smile before heading towards the reception desk.

  I roll my eyes and she smiles. ‘I really am sorry,’ I murmur.

  ‘Don’t be; it’s fine,’ she says. I stand there for another few seconds. I can’t think of a thing to say but I don’t want to walk away.

  ‘Well, see ya,’ I finally say, knowing full well that I won’t, and already I’m gutted.

  ‘Yeah, see ya,’ she says. I turn and reluctantly follow Mam.

  ‘Her office is on the second floor,’ Mam says. The lift is open and ready to whisk us upstairs. At the last possible second I look behind me and the girl is standing there, still looking at me. I catch my breath and just as the doors close I give a half-wave and then she’s gone.

  Damn it, I think as we stand squashed in the over-packed lift, why couldn’t she have had a pile of papers that flew everywhere when I bumped into her and we would have both bent down to pick them up and stared into each other’s eyes like they always do in the movies? Or maybe she could have slipped a card with her name and number into my pocket. I check my pockets just in case – there’s always a zillion to one chance that she did so without my noticing. She didn’t. Maybe if Mam hadn’t been there I could have invited her for a cuppa, just to say sorry for being so clumsy. Maybe she raced over to the receptionist the moment the doors closed, found out what floor we’re going to and is sprinting up the stairs now so she can be waiting right there when the door opens.

  Oh God, I wouldn’t want her there. I’d be mortified: Mam and everyone would be watching, I wouldn’t know what to say. I’d have to pretend I had absolutely no interest in her and didn’t know what the hell she was doing.

  I start to feel hot and dizzy.

  ‘Felicity,’ Mam hisses. I look back at her and she nudges me forward. ‘You’re holding everyone up,’ she says.

  ‘Oh … oh, yeah,’ I say, ‘sorry.’ Mam pushes me out into a waiting room with more apologies to everyone. I stop and look around. There’s no beautiful girl, no words of undying love, just the same old boring world with a plush cream carpet and cushioned chairs. ‘Is this
it?’ I ask gloomily.

  ‘Yes,’ she says, ‘we’re just to wait here; we’ll be called.’ I sit down on the nearest empty chair and look around; there are three offices just off the waiting room, which is pretty full. Dr Rodge’s room is directly in front of us.

  ‘Would you like a magazine?’ Mam asks as she sneaks a peek at the other psychos around the room.

  I don’t have time to reply because just then Doctor Rodge opens her door and calls my name.

  I’ve butterflies in my stomach and my legs feel weak and spongy.

  ‘Hello, Felicity.’ She smiles as she directs me towards two armchairs by the window and suggests I make myself comfortable. I head over but sit forward in the chair – people who relax always let their defences down and say way too much and I’m definitely not going to be one of those. For the next five minutes she reminds me that she’s here to help and that we can sort out my problems by talking through them.

  ‘So, how are you?’ she asks.

  I clear my throat. ‘Fine,’ I say automatically.

  ‘I know it might be difficult to talk about some things, Felicity,’ she says with a smile, ‘but remember I’m on your side; I’m here to help.’ She pauses and looks at me while I bite my lip. ‘Another reason people don’t like to talk about how they feel about things that are upsetting them is because it makes them more real,’ she continues, ‘and that can be quite scary.’ She smiles again and although I know she’s right I’ve still no intention of telling her anything. So she asks me yet again about my family and friends. I’m as bored talking about them as I’m sure she is listening but she still wants to hear more. I’m so relieved when the time is up. But just when I think I’m escaping for another week she arranges for me to come back on Friday for more torture. I reluctantly agree before heading out the door.