I catch glimpses of Joey here and there over the weeks but I’m always too embarrassed or upset from the sessions to say more than a quick hi. So I’m really caught off guard one Friday evening when I’ve finished a little earlier than usual. I’m waiting on Mam when I see Joey walking towards me. Her boyfriend, the tall, lanky guy is with her but I can’t, for the life of me, remember his name.
‘Hey, Flick,’ she says.
‘Hi,’ I reply, feeling a burning heat engulf my face. I look away, then back, then away again. They stop right in front of me and I just want the ground to open up and swallow me.
‘You remember Dave?’ she asks.
‘Yeah, of course, hi.’ He nods in reply.
‘So, how are things?’ she asks, oblivious to my embarrassment.
‘Good,’ I say, looking from her to her towering buddy. I shift uncomfortably, dying to think of something interesting to say. ‘Great that it’s Friday,’ I say after a few seconds. It’s a pathetic comment but it’s the best I can do.
‘Yeah,’ she agrees, ‘I’m so looking forward to this weekend. We’re heading out to see The Cribs tomorrow night.’
‘Oh my God, I love them!’ I say excitedly, forgetting my awkwardness. ‘Where are they playing?’ She starts telling me all about it and then suggests I should go with them, that there are tickets left and what a buzz it would be. I start feeling embarrassed all over again. ‘Well, I, uh, I dunno …’ I say, eyeing Dave. I’m sure he’s going to kill her for inviting me.
‘Oh, come on, it’ll be great, there’ll be a crowd of us and you can bring some friends if you want,’ she persists.
‘Um, OK, maybe,’ I say, thrilled that she’s asked me. The car horn blows just as I’m saving her number. ‘I better go,’ I say and stuff my phone back in my pocket.
‘OK’ she says, ‘see you tomorrow.’
‘Hey’ I say, sliding into the car beside Mam.
‘Who was that you were talking to?’ she asks.
‘Oh, just that girl, Joey. I’ve bumped into her a few times, since, well, bumping into her that first day.’
‘Oh,’ she says, looking at me warily. ‘So, what’s wrong with her?’ she asks.
‘I dunno Mam!’ I snap. ‘People don’t go around telling you what’s wrong with them or why they’re in counselling.’ I roll my eyes and stare out the window while she pulls out into the traffic. ‘I had a good session,’ I say after a few minutes of silent guilt.
‘Oh really? That’s great,’ she says, smiling. We chat the rest of the way home, or rather Mam chats and I say ‘mmm’ and ‘oh’ a few times but at least it’s a start.
That night I persuade Kev to come to the concert with me. Of course Fee will be with us too but I’m hoping they’ll be totally distracted with one another and won’t really bother me. I also leave it to him to get around Mam and Dad. It’s easier than I thought as it’s the first time in ages I’ve wanted to go anywhere so they’re actually ready to push me out the door.
CHAPTER 32
I go shopping with the girls the following afternoon because I’ve absolutely nothing to wear to the gig. I’ve been living in jeans and baggy jumpers for weeks.
‘I think the St. John’s Wort must be kicking in,’ I hear Mam say as I walk back in the door to grab my forgotten purse.
‘Mmm, and that counsellor seems to be working wonders as well,’ Dad adds. ‘Those nightmares are happening less and less.’
I cringe, knowing the nightmare of Mike will never leave me, but at least now I have them under more control. I slip back out unnoticed and call down to Kar’s. Ryan answers the door and I blush the moment I see him.
‘Hey, how are you doing?’ he asks.
‘Fine,’ I say and wonder what he knows and who he’s been talking to.
‘Tell Flick I’m coming,’ Kar roars from upstairs.
‘Kar’s coming,’ he says and smirks.
‘Thanks.’ I smile back.
‘So, I haven’t seen you since you nearly died from food poisoning,’ he says.
‘Yeah, it was pretty rough … but I survived it.’
‘Kar mentioned something about Whan’s … but are you sure it wasn’t my Mam’s cooking? It’s dodgy at the best of times.’
‘Sssh,’ I hiss, ‘she’ll hear you!’
He laughs. ‘With any luck it’ll stop her cooking.’
Without thinking I give him a dig in the arm. ‘Be nice,’ I warn him.
‘Or what?’ he says with a sly grin.
Just when I think I’ve gone back to an almost natural shade I turn puce again. I stare at the ground and feel his eyes on me.
‘So … you ran off so quickly that night I didn’t –’
We both look up the second we hear Kar pounding down the stairs.
‘Great timing,’ he says. ‘But maybe I’ll see you some time soon?’
‘Sure,’ I say.
‘What?’ Kar asks, opening the door wide and looking from one of us to the other.
‘Nothing,’ I say. Ryan ignores her. She turns and roars goodbye to her mother.
‘Ow, that was my eardrum you just burst,’ he grumbles as she walks past him and grabs my hand to drag me down the road.
‘See ya,’ he says hopefully.
I turn and give him a quick smile.
We shop all day and then I spend the evening in my room looking at myself in my new gear and wishing I could just wear my baggy jumper and jeans. Unfortunately Kev starts roaring about being late so I don’t have time to change back. I can see Mam and Dad looking at my black shorts, tights, knee high boots and black t-shirt.
‘Wow,’ Dad and Kev say in unison while Mam gives a weak smile.
‘I’m not sure,’ I say looking towards her, ‘maybe I should change. Is it a bit over the top?’
‘Have you anything with a bit of colour in it?’ she asks tentatively.
‘It’s nearly eight,’ Kev says, ‘you don’t have time to change.’
‘You do look lovely,’ she says.
I grab my jacket and he shoves me out the door. Mam and Dad shout a last goodbye. Fee meets us at the bus stop and I vaguely mention that I might be meeting friends from counselling at the gig then immediately change the subject before either of them asks any awkward questions.
It’s absolutely mobbed when we get to the gig and in an instant I realise that it’s going to be impossible to find Joey.
‘Any sign?’ Kev asks.
‘Nah,’ I say in an ‘I’m not really bothered’ voice. The band starts a few minutes later and they’re amazing; it’s way better than I imagined and yet for every minute of it I’m kicking myself for not texting Joey and arranging to meet her somewhere. Finally after an hour and a half they take a break. I look around and wonder if I should try to find her or whether there’s any point. I’m still wondering when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I whirl round in surprise. Sure enough, there’s Joey, right behind me, looking gorgeous. I actually don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
‘Flick, hi. Wow, you look great,’ she says enthusiastically.
I give a quick smile, already embarrassed and conscious of Kev and Fee watching us. ‘Oh, hi Joey,’ I say with a nervous laugh.
‘It’s so great you’re here; I really didn’t think you’d come, especially when you didn’t text.’
I give another uncomfortable laugh and look towards the others again before bumbling through an introduction. They all immediately start talking about the gig and how great it is and I just stand there, totally mortified.
‘Hey, where’s Dave?’ I ask. ‘Is he here?’ She looks at me with surprise and confusion on her face.
‘Uh, yeah, he’s over there,’ she says, nodding towards the stage.
‘Great. Guys, do ye mind if I go over and say hello?’ I ask.
Fee smirks.
‘No, go ahead,’ Kev says, putting his arms around Fee. ‘We’ll meet you outside after the gig?’
Within seconds we’re lost in the crowd and the moment I
lose sight of them I stop abruptly and turn towards her. She looks so beautiful. She has her short hair spiked and with her eye-shadow and mascara her eyes look darker than ever. Everything about her is so perfect.
‘Sorry about that back there,’ I say. ‘I, uh, I felt like a right gooseberry and was just dying to get away, that’s why I was asking about your boyfriend. I just needed an excuse to escape, that’s all. So don’t worry, I’m not interested in him or anything.’
Her face breaks into a smile of relief. ‘Neither am I,’ she says.
‘What?’
‘I’m not going out with Dave; we’re just good friends,’ she says.
I swear my heart does a double somersault there and then. ‘Oh; oh right,’ I say. Suddenly the lights dip and we’re plunged into semi-darkness again. For a second I can’t see a thing and I grab her arm, a shock goes through me the minute I touch her. ‘Sorry,’ I say, immediately pulling away.
‘It’s going to be impossible to get back to the others now,’ she says. ‘Is it OK with you if we stay here?’
‘Sure,’ I say as my heart nearly beats its way out of my chest. She turns back towards the stage and so do I. I stare at the band, pretending to be mesmerized but all I can think of is how close she is to me, how even without touching her I can feel her beside me. I feel sick with excitement and nervousness and wish my stomach would stop doing flip-flops. The minute they begin playing, the crowd surges forward and we’re pushed against each other; even if I wanted to move away from her I couldn’t and in the end we both just laugh and jump and dance with everyone else. I want it to last for ever, to hang on to every second. Then they play some of their slower songs and I can’t even bring myself to look at Joey, I’m so nervous. So I just stand there, millimetres away from her, with this lump in my throat and a wildly beating heart. When they’ve played their final song and their encore and the lights have come back on she suggests we go back over to her friends. Of course I agree. At least I can say I was talking to Dave, even if it’s only for a few seconds. The gang are really nice and friendly and all that; they even ask if I’ll come out with them.
‘I can’t tonight, but thanks anyway,’ I say. There’s no way I’m going to mention that my folks are waiting up for me at home so I just leave it at that.
‘I’m gonna head as well,’ Joey says. ‘My grandparents are home from France tomorrow and I have to be sober and on my best behaviour.’
‘You’re French?’ I ask. Looking at her dark skin and large brown eyes, I wonder how I hadn’t copped before.
‘Well, both my parents are. They moved here before I was born … but yeah, there’s French blood running through my veins! Romantic, passionate, happy people, the French!’
‘Fiery, quick-tempered, argumentative …’ I add with a laugh. ‘You’re dangerous!’
She wriggles her eyebrows and we laugh. I wait another moment or two, trying to stretch out every last second before I have to go.
‘Well, I guess I’ll see you around,’ I say. But then she suggests that we share a taxi home and I immediately think of Kev and Fee and what they’ll think of it all and if they’ll suss out that I fancy her. By the time I meet them downstairs my mood has completely changed and I can’t even talk to Joey. I can see Fee looking at me with these quizzing eyes but I turn away and just ignore her while Joey explains the situation. They don’t seem too bothered and within minutes we’re on our way home. I practically jump into the front seat just so they don’t suspect anything and then I hardly turn around for the whole journey home; instead I just sit and listen to them chatting about the band again. It’s only when the taxi stops that I turn and look towards her and in a second she’s gone.
Kev and Fee snuggle up together and I lie back against the seat wondering if Joey will ever want to see this Jekyll and Hyde that I am again.
CHAPTER 33
I wake up in foul humour on Sunday morning, raging about how the night ended. The more I think about it the more sure I am that she’ll never talk to me again. I can see Mam watching my every move as I mope around the house, so after lunch I call down to Kar’s. She was out on a date last night and I know all she’ll want to do is talk about it.
We lie on her bed, gazing up at the ceiling, and I listen all afternoon without hearing a word she says. Finally she asks me about the band – or more importantly for Kar, the talent at the gig – so I give her a shortened version of the night. I figure it’s best to mention Dave, the only male I can think of.
‘So, you didn’t snog him?’ she asks.
‘No,’ I groan, more exasperated at her asking than at missing the snog, ugh! ‘Anyway, maybe it’s for the best: he’s probably more messed up than I am,’ I say, giving the same excuse I gave Fee.
‘Maybe you’ll see him at your session tomorrow,’ she suggests, ‘and you could invite him for a coffee; that’s what I’d do,’ she says.
‘I know you would but I’m just not good at that sort of stuff,’ I say.
‘Trust me, if he likes you he’ll be thrilled that you’ve invited him.’
‘Hmm, and if he doesn’t it’ll be the most embarrassing thing, like, ever,’ I reply.
‘How could anyone not like you?’ she asks. ‘You’re beautiful, funny, friendly –’
‘Shut up Kar,’ I say, giving her a dig.
‘Ouch,’ she says. I’m about to apologise but suddenly she’s on top of me, grabbing my wrists and pinning me down. ‘No one gets away with that,’ she says. My heart is going crazy. I scream and laugh and try to wiggle away from her but it’s impossible; she’s so strong. ‘Say sorry,’ she says as she stares down at me. I stare at her over me. My heart skips a beat and I can feel myself go red all over. I gulp.
‘Sorry,’ I say as I try to laugh again but can’t. She loosens her grip and I quickly shove her off me. ‘I better go,’ I say, sliding off the bed. ‘I’ll see ya tomorrow.’
‘By the way, where’s Fee?’ she asks as I nearly break into a run for the door.
‘Need you ask?’ I reply, trying to sound cool and relaxed.
‘Another one bites the dust,’ she says. ‘It’ll probably be you next and I’ll be left lying here alone, talking to myself.’
I want to go back and kiss her, just for a second, then make her forget it ever happened. ‘I don’t think so,’ I say in a hoarse whisper.
‘It could,’ she persists.
‘Well, if it ever does, I’ll come and visit you every second Sunday,’ I promise. She grabs a pillow and throws it at me. I swing open the door and dodge it. ‘Bye,’ I shout and race down the stairs.
I go straight to my room when I get home. ‘I’ve some homework to do,’ I tell Mam, but I end up lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling, thinking for ages before finally writing a short text. It takes me ages to edit it and then I spend another half-hour wondering whether I should send it at all. Eventually I press the ‘send’ button, then wait.
After ten minutes I’m agitated; after twenty I’m demented. I check the sent folder on the mobile. It definitely went. I reread the text and check Joey’s number then sit back and pray. When that doesn’t work I decide to mess around on the guitar in the hope that that will distract me. For approximately one hour and forty-three minutes I strum, until I hear the double beep. I grab the phone and check. I really can’t believe it when I read her text:
‘Yes,’ it says, ‘would love to meet up for coffee.’ I climb back onto my cloud and dream the night away.
CHAPTER 34
I race through Monday, a whirlwind of emotions. One minute I’m thrilled to be meeting her and the next I’m dreading it, afraid someone will see us and will figure it all out. There’s nothing to figure out, I tell myself, I’m just going for a coffee to say sorry for being so moody after the band and after that I’m going to make sure I never see her again. I call and cancel my session with Dr Rodge and tell mam I’ll get the bus home, then go and meet Joey in Chocoholics, this cool place outside town. We sit in the back booth chatt
ing for ages about everything and anything. I know I should tell her I’m sorry for the other night and then go, I know I should, but there’s no one about and I’ve still got plenty of time so I keep putting it off.
Then Joey blurts out that she wants to tell me something.
‘What?’
She takes a deep breath. ‘Usually this isn’t such a big deal; I don’t know why I’m so nervous,’ she babbles, ‘but, well, people sometimes react badly … oh, I’m just gonna say it: I’m a lesbian.’
I look around to see who else has heard, even though there’s no possible way that anyone has. ‘Flick, did you hear what I said? That I’m –’
‘Yeah,’ I whisper, hoping she’ll do the same.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asks, looking around.
I can’t believe she’s being so blasé about everyone else hearing. ‘I’m sure you don’t want the whole world knowing,’ I say quietly.
‘Actually, I don’t care about what the whole world thinks,’ she says. ‘I just care about what you think.’
What do I think? I think, oh my God I can’t believe she’s just come out and said it just like that to me, even though somewhere deep down I knew all along. I think I’d love to be totally alone with her so I could kiss her and tell her I sorta sometimes like girls too. I imagine us secretly meeting up and being together and then I think no bloody way. I think I have to get out of here fast. I think this is getting too dangerous, someone’s going to find out. I look towards her and see her waiting.
‘Gosh,’ I murmur, ‘it’s good, if that’s what you want.’ My mind is a whirl. ‘Have you told anyone else?’ I whisper as I lean towards her.
Flick Page 11